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| by zolaida @ deviantART.com |
The idea in question is this: part of the purpose of human incarnation is to suffer, and suffering is the result of ego; however, the ego-self is an illusion that soothes us into thinking we have some control over our lives.
The concept of ego is a popular one. We all know that. We have many different ways of how to approach it: do we keep it in balance? Do we squash it? Do we make peace with it? Do we just go along with it?
Back when the whole "mirror" ordeal happened with Lulu, my ego was nasty. Never before had my experiences, thoughts, and actions been mirrored by someone else. I didn't know how to handle it. I was pissed because I wanted to be my own person like I'd always been, but at the same time, I was thrilled that there was someone who was so similar to me out there. And I wasn't happy that someone was mirroring my spiritual experiences... experiences that were so dear to my heart.
After a few times of this, "ego" finally mellowed out. I do admit that at the present time, the mirroring bothers me a teensy bit, but not nearly as much as it did the first few times. So my question is: am I "detached" from my ego?
We're always taught in spirituality that we are not our ego. But what if we are? I mean, it goes back to Adonai's wisdom about perception:
"If you take a human being, strip out the ego and the personality, and observe what's left, you still have Creator. You still have us.
There will never, ever be any other life that replicates yours exactly.
Some will come close, yes. In fact, your life may be replicated entirely, but there would still be some factor that makes it different: perception, identity, ego, and so on."
I think the reason we don't want to associate with our ego is because it represents all the things we don't want to be. I mean, I get it. No one wants to suffer. And it seems like ego does equal suffering. If I didn't have "ego," then nothing would ever bother me. So when we are taught to detach from the ego, essentially, we are being taught to detach from suffering.
On the surface, that seems ideal, yes? Imagine a life where we didn't suffer. However, isn't suffering the very thing that makes life valuable to us? If everything were paradise - if everything were cupcakes and rainbows, and we all held hands and united in song - life wouldn't really be worth living... at least from Adonai's perspective. But the majority of us don't see from Adonai's perspective. We see from "our own," as teensy humans. We don't want to see from the bigger picture because we're afraid of what it could mean. That's why many of us are uncomfortable with the idea of fate, the idea that free will is an illusion...
And yet we can't really know Adonai's perspective for certain, which is why, yet again, I realize we can never obtain the "ultimate" truth. We can receive perspectives, but in the end, we'll only know what's good for our own selves.
There's been an idea that's chased me for a week or so now. It's such a simple idea, yet incredibly powerful and profound at the same time. It's the idea that we are truth. And to go along with this: that, if we allow it, nature will help us understand that truth. In other words, truth is internal, but many of us are so keen to "search" for it when we ourselves are the bearers of it.
"We are perceivers, we are awareness; we are not objects, we have no solidity. We are boundless. We, or rather our reason, forget this and thus we entrap ourselves in a vicious circle from which we rarely emerge in our lifetime."
This is such a perfect perspective for me. I speak so much on being Adonai... on being a face of the universe, but I don't feel it as often as I should, because rather than focusing on being who I say I am, I focus on the definition. I mean, think about it. We really are awareness. We're perception. Maybe that's what a "soul" is - pure awareness fit to physical form. Awareness of self. You could be blind, you could be deaf, but you're still aware, and that awareness is what allows the universe to know and explore itself.
That's why I need to start meditating. I really want to focus on this aspect of being, of being awareness. I'm not doing that. I talk about it, blog about it, keep it in mind, but I haven't actually sat down and experienced it.
At least this describes why I'm such a passive person. I watch. I observe. I listen, seek, and acquire information through a variety of means. I'm even passive with activities such as driving, conversing, writing (sometimes) and dealing with conflicts/arguments. So in some ways, I'm already being awareness. The only problem is, I'm not aware of being awareness.
How ironic.
So now I wonder... how does ego play a part in this? OR... Or. Is ego something that humans came up with to describe the suffering they wanted to detach from? What if "ego" doesn't exist at all, and merely serves as an illusory scapegoat for people to blame their problems on?
Back during my mirror troubles with Lulu, I would tell her that it was my ego talking - that I didn't really mean the things I said. And it was true - I really didn't, deep down. I love that girl to death. But some part of me was satisfied in placing the blame on an aspect of myself that was already associated with anger, spite, superiority, and so on. In other words, I used my ego as a scapegoat.
But is it really right to do so? What if ego is as illusory as free will? When you think about it, "ego" is created from an early age, when children are taught the basic principles of society: that you need to be competitive to earn your place in the world, that you need money to survive, that you need to compare yourself to others, that you need to be perfect/flawless, and so on. And once again, this relates very closely to the concept of manifestation. The two seem to go hand-in-hand because they're both based on acquiring stuff. If we never taught our children about those principles of society, would the personality associated with "ego" even exist in them?
That would mean, then, that ego is not so much "illusory" as it is simply created by man. But even if it's created by man, that would still suggest it was created by the universe. Then again, ego didn't always exist, did it? Or, it did, but it was only when someone labeled it that it became an adversarial force - kind of like with "demons."
Hm.. That still doesn't answer my original question, though: do we embrace the "ego" as part of who we are, or do we "rise above" it to avoid the suffering? I would think that, from a universal standpoint, suffering is a good thing, because it's not something the universe is familiar with (although by now... haha). Maybe the key is not to embrace the suffering, but rather be aware of it. Acknowledge it. Of course, the problem in this society is that most not only embrace it, but get tangled in it their whole lives. And this is usually what creates so much suffering - because people get involved/obsessed with it and can never learn to distinguish it.
Maybe life is a mix of experience and awareness. A balance, perhaps? They do say experience is the best teacher, but I still don't resonate with the idea of having to "learn lessons," so perhaps the point is to instill awareness in our experiences. I think many of us detach from experiences. We're either dulled out, indifferent, full of fear, or simply not submersing ourselves completely. And often, we have regrets. I wish I would've enjoyed that. I wish I could go back and relive that.
I know I feel that way about my Italy trip in June 2010. I wish so desperately to go back to that time. If I could, I would enjoy that experience as much as possible. I would ignore the students who were so snobbish and indifferent; I would take pleasure in standing in line, or waiting for food; I would set aside my exhaustion and enjoy the late nights we spent walking about.
Once again though, I digress.
So I suppose it comes down to awareness for me. I still don't know whether I should be working with or against my ego, but I figure that answer will come to me at the right time, like it always does. I might have to sit down with Adonai again for some clarification on VoA - I haven't updated that for a few weeks.
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