I first wanted to express my gratitude for being able to witness even a small part of the Geminid shower last night. I went out first at 11 PM, but was only able to see one indirectly. I went back inside, prepared for bed, and then sat in front of my window after a very beautiful meditation experience that I will also mention in a moment. I put on Immediate Music's "We Dissolve in Stars," drew up the blinds, and waited.
And good lord. I had some very profound thoughts, especially after my medi experience. However, to listen to that beautiful tune and see the stars so clearly was a significant moment for me. In the end, I saw about 10 or so meteors, which I was grateful for, because I only saw one during the Perseid shower in August. I have to say... it's a very powerful thought. Those little meteors streaking across the sky for less than a second... to imagine how far they are from our surface... it's amazing.
It brought me to think of one of my stories, in which the inhabitants of the planet have adopted the entire cosmos as their "deity" - they believe the stars are the deity's eyes, watching over them. The universe stretches on and on beyond what we can see... I don't know any better sense of infinity.
So yes. I had a beautiful night, which was made even more interesting after I woke up this morning close to 7 to remember a dream in which I attempted to hang myself. First, though, I want to state specifically that NO, I have no interest in committing suicide. Lol. It's entirely symbolic, I swear.
With that in mind, I stated my question before sleep: I wanted to know if it was in my best interest to pave my own way, or go with the flow of the universal plan. I couldn't recall my initial dream (probably because I hadn't been sleeping long enough), but the second one was intense and full of symbols and metaphors that took me about an hour to decode. Since I already wrote it down in the private burrow, I'll just copy and paste my conclusion:
It looks like there's something emotional, relating to communicating with friends & family, that has me feeling guilty or fearful. I'm avoiding those who I'm close to and not expressing myself enough emotionally and creatively. I need to forgive and incorporate compassion into my being. I may also be taking on more than I can chew when it comes to making investments for myself. I'm very grounded at the moment in the material world but there's still some psychic/intuitive stuff going on, especially relating to self-expression (writing?) and my life journey, although my choice when it comes to the latter is based on the material aspects (acquiring money). I'm experiencing a personal transformation - being reborn - but there's still a bit of attachment to past comforts or systems, despite being offered something better for me.
Yup. It makes sense. A lot of it is stuff that I've deliberately ignored or stowed away because I didn't think it was important, or because I figured it'd come back around at the proper time. It's kind of a slap in the face, but that's all right. I'll just say... I didn't even interpret it completely. I have a good detailed understanding of it, but some of it was beyond me (like coughing up crystals that I own). Maybe it'll make sense to me later.
In other news, my dad left a short while ago to drop my mom off at the airport. She's heading up to Indiana to attend a cold wedding, and will return on Monday. I think it's supposed to snow there today/tomorrow. Haha. Also, I mustered up the courage to tell my best friend that I would prefer to stay home this weekend. She hasn't replied yet. I just really have no desire to go anywhere or to see anyone. I'm feeling even more antisocial and introverted lately than I was before.
I finished that SS gift yesterday. It has a few anatomical errors, but otherwise, I'm pretty satisfied with it. I just hope the chick receiving it digs it as much as I do. With that in mind, I was also thinking about how I could alter my brother's gift art...
Now, for my meditation experience... yesterday, I mentioned the whole spiel about awareness. Well. I figured it'd be an interesting experiment to go through with what I mentioned - to be awareness. So I lay down in bed for a while to wait for more meteors (they were supposed to peak from 1-3 AM), turned on Stellardrone's A Moment of Stillness album on YT (ambient space tunes, yay), and practiced being aware. I became aware of the sound of the music - the silence between the notes - the feeling of heat in my hands, the feeling of cold in my toes, my pulse in my fingertips, the feeling of heaviness spreading up into my arms, the space between my eyes, the feeling of the air against my face, and so on. I didn't bother trying to visualize anything. I merely observed and felt.
I have to say... it was a lovely experience, and definitely one that I would like to practice more often. When it comes to my meditations, I usually have a goal in mind, or a place I go to in which I get "involved." I never merely focus on being. I now understand why so many spiritual teachers praise this teaching. It's like I could almost feel myself as just a force of awareness.
Which brings me to my next thought: while I was watching out for meteors, I began having all these profound thoughts about the universe and awareness (stuff like that always happens when I look up at the stars). And one thought was dropped into my head... I ended up scribbling it down on a post-it in the dark:
When you place awareness on something, you exert energy toward it = desire = universal intent?
I know I can write a whole other spiel about this, so I think it's best suited for a VoA topic. I'm sure Adonai has plenty to offer me.
I have about 8 more readings to finish. It's kind of weird because I dished out 8 of them in the past few days, and 6 of those people have yet to reply to me. I'm not sure if they've been away or if they simply have nothing to say in return. Just seems kind of weird to me. I usually get a reply within a day. But six? Hm. Oh - I'm getting more acquainted with the Archeon deck. At first I was like: "I'm barely going to use this next to the BoS tarot." But it turns out that I can actually glean some pretty good impressions from those cards. So yay. Not a waste after all.
One last thing before I go: Leon-cat is getting more and more tame with us. He has a "spot" next to our garage that he'll sit in because he knows he's seen there. And when we open the back door, he comes running to our back steps. Now he's pushing himself inside the screen door to get onto our patio. Next thing we know, he'll be scratching at the back door itself. Lol. However, he's still not entirely comfortable with us. Mom thinks he might have been abused or messed around with (like with kids or something) - he doesn't look hurt but he does hiss at you a bit if you get too close, and he'll trot away to keep distance between you even though you're setting down his bowl of food (yes... mom got him his own dish). In the end, though, he doesn't mind if you're a few steps away so long as you don't make any hasty moves.
Cheers for an interesting night. Pfft.
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