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| "Infinite Brightness" - by sovarial @ dA |
I was very productive yesterday - that made me happy. Ten pages of Crucible world-building and notes taken on guide-based readings. Though I have to admit... after the crap that happened this past week, I have very little desire to work on these readings now. I mean, deep down, I'd really like to do them, but I'm so fixated on other things - especially Crucible, now that my ideas are lining up. Plus, the Luminous class is being released on Wednesday, which means after that, I'll be spending hours leveling it and unwilling to do much else.
It just makes me wonder. I always prided myself in having spirit/psychic art being my "talent" - that one thing that I do very well. But every time I sit down to actually complete the painting, I feel resistance. A lack of enthusiasm. In other words, I see it as work to be done, and I feel a little unmotivated because I want to be doing other things. It makes me wonder what the deal is. I suspect it has to do with having to attend school - because school eats away so much of my free time, which means when I do actually get time to myself, I'm using it to catch up on personal activities such as my own writing and art.
To be honest, I've been feeling very iffy about art in general. Because it's not my primary passion, I'm not as skilled right now as I'd like to be, but at the same time, I'm very unmotivated when it comes to actually developing the skill. I love drawing - I really do - but I think the pressure of having to turn it into a career to be able to sustain myself has thrown me off balance. It reminds me of last night, when I was speaking to my dad. He asked me what I'd been doing upstairs since it was the first day in the past few days that I'd been back at my desk, and I told him I was world-building. What does he say in return?
"Oh, you mean wasting your life?"
And he laughed. I kinda stood there blankly for a moment, a little irked by his response. Then I told him it wasn't funny and returned upstairs.
My dad has little faith in my passion for writing. He told me a few years ago that he couldn't judge accurately because I don't share my writing (and for good reason). Okay, fair enough. But time after time he'll make remarks about how I should be focusing on "my craft" since I'm in school for it and because it'll be the thing that earns me a career in life. In my opinion, though, my "craft" is my writing, because it's my most powerful weapon, and my primary source of empowerment.
I was lying in bed last night thinking about Crucible and all the other stories I might one day publish, and realized I would have to be extremely creative and/or philosophical to be able to write more stories that would have a decent impact on the world. Crucible is my baby, and my most powerful project, because it's a reflection of my own life and observations. But after that... what will come next?
I know it's future-based thinking. Maybe I shouldn't even be considering it. But as long as this stupid system exists, I'm going to have to be able to sustain myself. And considering that my parents are freaked out that I won't be able to do that without a degree, it'd be nice to have either a range of things or one big thing to earn me income.
I can't say where I'll be skill-wise once I graduate. I'll always have my hopes and dreams to dictate where I'd like to be, but in all honesty, I won't know until I get there. Crucible is going to take a while to write, especially if things keep changing, and I can't determine whether I'll be passionate enough to continue art readings for people. It's hard to say.
It does make me think back to manifestation. The pre-scripting perspective made me wonder how manifestation fits in to all this. To be honest, I couldn't come up with a satisfactory or fitting answer. I would have to sit and contemplate the laws of nature/universe to be able to do so... creating like from like, maintaining balance, that sort of thing.
I just... I'm losing faith in my art. I adore it to death and I'm an artist by nature, but I just feel so uncreative and unoriginal. And that's scary in a world that demands perfection, originality, skill, talent, power. If I didn't have to worry about this, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way. I'd be creating art for the sake of creating art. And maybe that's what I should be keeping in mind. It's like that quote I found on tumblr: "I want to paint because I want to, not because I have something to prove."
As an artist in the 21st century, my thoughts have been programmed to center around one main idea: develop your skill so that you can sustain yourself. The second idea revolves around changing/influencing the world, but that's not as strong as the idea of sustaining oneself. Ensuring survival. Ensuring you have enough to keep yourself happy and comfortable. Even with Crucible, I'm thinking: "This project will earn me a really good income." While the main goal is to empower people, the idea of money comes first because hey - I need to make a living, right?
It makes me wonder: is this why I'm uncreative and unoriginal? Will my creativity flow endlessly when I stop working for the sake of survival and start working just for the sake of creating something beautiful? I'd be curious to see how this method of thinking has affected other artists and their careers. I've listened to/read some interviews about some well-known artists who share similar methods of thinking - you know, "Oh, I just do what I love."
Is that my problem? I say I do what I love, but when it actually comes to creating art in its various forms, my main thought is: "I have to be good at this so that I can make a living."
I bet if I look around, I'll find signs telling me that yes, this is the case. When I'm creating art - or writing - my thoughts are influenced by anxiety, because I become so concerned about inadvertently stealing someone else's idea, or I worry that something isn't original enough, or that I have to make a statement with my project that will have an impact on the world.
Is that really necessary? I can't live like that. Creating art is what allows one to nourish oneself as Creator. The fact that we have the capability of creating is a blessing in itself. Yet in this awful modern society, we become so attached to our creative property, and therefore become bitter when we find someone who shares a similar idea.
This is why so many artists feel hopeless. This is why so many parents despair when their children want to become artists. As an artist, we have to make a living selling our creative property - most often to other people who barely give us any credit. We are expected to give our energy away for free, just because we have the label "artist" attached to us.
I could go on, but I don't think I need to, since I've found my answer. From here on out, I'm going to focus on creating art for the sake of creating something beautiful and meaningful - something appropriate for the face of Adonai that I am.
So yes, dad. I will spend my time doing what I love, even if you think I'm "wasting my life."
Evaah
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