Egotistical Desires

by thienbao @ deviantART

I came across an interesting thought from someone on SF. He/she said: "Strong desires are egotistical."

It really got me thinking, and it definitely seized my attention, since the concept of desire is something that's been on my mind lately. When I read this, I immediately reflected on my own strong desires and wondered: are they egotistical? Let me examine some of these desires for a moment:

• Becoming a successful author 
• Becoming a successful artist & spirit artist
• Living on the west coast in a beautiful, sunny home filled with cultural decor
• Being surrounded with people of my vibration
• To make a living doing creative and spiritual work
• To become a spiritual teacher / to help others on their paths
• To make the most of my life

Now, being honest with myself, how many of these are egotistical? Three. They all have to do with success and status. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be recognized in some way. But is it truly a craving for status, or is it a craving to have my voice heard? 

My ego was never "destroyed." It's not meant to be, in my opinion. I only made peace with it. So when I look at these three "egotistical" desires, it's hard for me to determine whether they're truly "egotistical," or whether they reflect a deeper need to have my opinion recognized. 

It reminds me of something Neil Gaiman recently said about being an artist: 

 "Nobody has your point of view except you. Nobody gets to bring to the world the things that you get to bring to the world - uniquely get to bring to the world - except you. So, saying that there are enough writers out there, enough directors out there, enough people with points of view… well, yeah, there are, but none of them are you. And none of those people are going to make the art that you are going to make. None of them will change people and change the world in the way that you could change it."

It's been impressed upon me that creativity - particularly writing - is something I need to do. It's inked into the blueprint of me. No matter how hard I try to stray away from this path, I always return to it. Is that so egotistical of me? I have something I need to share with the world, because I recognize that it's not a good place in its current state, and it needs to change. Is it egotistical of me to want to contribute to that change?

It is food for thought, though. I'd be lying if I said my ego wasn't happy whenever I am recognized for something. But at least I have the courage to admit that. Yes, it's nice to be recognized. When you live in the shadows all your life, it's a nice feeling. Many of my gestures are overlooked or outshone. So yes. I admit it. 

But you know something? This topic has reminded me of the attitude and perspective I should be utilizing when working on my passions. Thanks to this society, my main thoughts are centered around creative perfection, sustainability, career, success... However, I think my success will come when I write for the sheer pleasure of writing, and not for the sake of sustaining myself. 

I think I need to write that on a post-it note so I can drill it into my head.

Back to the original quote, though: "Strong desires are egotistical." It's certainly an interesting concept. Does that imply, then, that one who has truly embraced the fluidity of life should be free of strong desires? Are all strong desires egotistical? Is it easy to determine what is a strong egotistical desire and what is a soul-based passion? 

Hmmm...

In other news, I tried playing my Luminous character earlier for an event, but the game still crashes on me whenever I try to fly anywhere. I'm not sure if it's because the servers are heavily populated now or what... Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. 

I'm also in the midst of creating a journal-type blog to keep track of all the readings I do for myself and receive from others. This one will probably be private, though. Before, I would just write about them in my journal, but I tend to like to go in detail, and I can express thoughts much more quickly through typing. Plus, it saves me from having to buy new journals frequently.

I'll probably do another reading on my list and spend my evening working on Crucible stuff - but for the sheer enjoyment of it... not because I plan to have it turned into a lucrative work. This project is dear to me, and I shouldn't be approaching it whilst thinking about making an income off it. 

I might have to sit down with Pierre soon...