Suffering

"Phoenix" - by aditya777

It amuses me how things work. I was just on SF a few moments ago checking up on things, when I felt the inclination to check the list of updated threads. In that list of several threads, I spotted one that instantly caught my eye:

"Choice is an illusion."

I haven't yet mentioned this, but despite events in recent days, I still haven't been able to decide whether I want to follow the "create your own life" path or the "everything is predestined" path. In fact, I've been demanding a solid answer from the universe, because it's beginning to agonize me. You might say: "Just don't worry about it! Go and live your life!" Well, technically I am, but see, there's a problem with that. I want to be in a mindset that will help me get the most out of life. So if I know for certain that we either A.) create our own life or B.) follow a predestined path, then I can adjust my thoughts and actions accordingly. If I knew it was A, I would focus on manifesting my ideal life and all the "stuff" that comes with such a perspective. But if it were B, then I would be able to trust in my heart that everything will happen as dictated by the grand story - that I should focus on letting the universe flow as is. See what I mean? There's two different directions I could be going here - and no, it can't be both. They contradict each other. I can't say: "I'll go along with the predestined route," and then turn around and add, "I'm going to pave my own path." 

Now, when I read the first post of that "Choice is an Illusion" thread, I felt like my answer was given to me on a plate. The original poster was basically suggesting all the thoughts that had crossed my mind. It was another series of light-bulb moments. Here's a snippet of this original post:

"When you think about it, what we choose is already predetermined, based on our conditioning and our past experiences, and we had no choice about those things. If we choose to choose differently from how we normally choose, that too is because of our past experiences. We think we're making decisions, but actually, those decisions are already made. It's obvious what we're going to choose at every single moment... not to us, but to God. All we can do is sit back and watch it all play out, it's what we're doing anyway. Control is an illusion. The mind is just a story playing out.

Destiny, not free will. Free will is the illusion. Everything is cause and effect - yes, but we're caught up in an out of control cause-effect-cause-effect chain. We think we have some control, we think we can change the cause, but when we appear to be changing the cause, actually, that's what we would have done all along.  It is all part of the story we THINK we have some say in. But that part of us that THINKS it has control is the ego-self."

When I read this, I thought: "Jeez. This really is the truth." I went to the more recent posts (this thread is almost 20 pages long) and glimpsed a few of them, anticipating a heated debate. Well. It was lukewarm, but there was still a lot of spiritual superiority going on, which is the reason why I stopped posting there to begin with. I did find that the original poster kept bringing up thoughts that aligned with my own, such as:

"I never used to believe in God and the concept of destiny was utterly ridiculous. Now everywhere I look, I see God acting through us, to create what was meant to be all along, to leave the human race exactly where it needs to be. When someone achieves something incredible, it's not a feat of their own achievement, but the divine flowing through them and inspiring them to do such. If the divine is not flowing through them, no inspiration and therefore no creation/discovery/invention/result. I'm a music composer and I now realize, if I'm creatively blocked, it's that I'm not meant to be creating at this point, when it is ready, it will flow through me. When a beautiful song comes through, I realize it is utterly arrogant to get egotistical about that as if it was me that created it. 

When I try to get what I want, life had other plans. Life knows exactly what I need, and if I try to fight against that, then I suffer and suffer. If I accept synchronicity and what is meant to be, I get EVERYTHING on a plate, and for that I can't help feel grateful to a God I don't fully understand."

But, of course, the "gurus" of the forum came to play, too, saying things such as: 

"It is 'spiritually trendy' to demonstrate how one believes their existence to be illusory, beyond their control or choice.. but that is simply a choice to 'appear' a certain way, itself an illusion, the mind toying with itself.. we choose from the options available, and some creative beings make new options.. that you choose your 'belief' is no different than I choose mine, neither born of suffering, but as the choice to express our understanding of who/what we 'are'.." 

Aside from all that, though, I discovered a tidbit on this thread that I didn't even consider - it definitely had me thinking:

"Many think that it is a philosophy but it is not. It is the Truth. Ego is completely an illusion. In reality, there is no me. Ego has been created for a purpose and the purpose is to suffer. Human demand for self-realization is due to suffering. No one would strive for self-realization if there was no suffering. I guess God is realizing himself after suffering to know who He is otherwise it cannot know Himself if there is nothing to compare."

It makes sense to me, and it definitely had me thinking about my own ego and the part it plays in my life. It reminds me of an episode of Supernatural, when Sam was soulless, and he was having a discussion with Dean, who said that he needed to display more empathy. In the end, it was concluded that having a soul equals suffering. But when you think about it, it's really the ego that equals suffering. After all, it's the ego that fears, that becomes angry, that is spiteful, that thrives on abundance and superiority... and when it has lack in those areas, it suffers greatly. This brings me back to my original idea about manifestation, where I suggested that manifestation implies we feel a lack of something.

Is it wise to conclude, then, that the desire for manifestation is the result of ego?

Let me take a moment to list some of the things that cause me/my ego pain. I'm going to be honest here...

•  Seeing someone who does a similar service/activity - but who is equal to or better than me at it  (especially with readings)
• Seeing someone imitate me - although this has to be done frequently, OR has to be something major
• Being compared to someone else, especially someone I'm close to
• Not being recognized or credited for something I did... especially something fabulous
• Watching someone else receive praise for doing a similar activity, especially if they are around my age
• Not being able to please others or earn recognition 

When I look at these, I realize these all have to do with recognition, or being seen. I find this incredibly interesting, but also very applicable to who I am - to the past that I carry with me. As an introvert who thrives in the absence of people, I experience extreme difficulty when it comes to recognition; half of me is flustered, but the other half beams with delight. Why? Because I'm both used to it and not used to it. How is that possible, you might wonder? 

Creative people are always praised as they grow up. They're praised as a child by their parents. They're praised in school for having a skill ("Wow, you draw? You're amazing!") They're praised by teachers (pre-college, of course) who want to nurture their gift. But once they reach adulthood, creative people face the reality of the artistic world in the 21st century: there is a hell of a lot of competition. The focus shifts from doing what you love for the sake of doing what you love to doing what you love to sustain yourself. And in order to do that, you must work your arse off, sell yourself, and either become a prodigy or become someone's slave until you can afford doing your own thing - and that's if you're lucky. 

I'm going a little off-topic here, but Akiane, the child prodigy artist, comes to mind. If you're unfamiliar with this girl and her work, click her name. Long story short, she's a "visionary"  prodigy artist who claims to receive inspiration from God; she began drawing at the age of 4 and was producing masterpiece-quality material at the age of 9. She has this whole story behind her - that she was drawing faces at a young age even when she had no "reference material," that her formerly-Athiest parents were convinced God exists because of it, etc. I found this to be really intriguing; I mean, it's clear that her works have some pretty potent divine inspiration backing them up. She makes me want to cry in a dark corner... which I would, if I wasn't already crying at the sight of her freaking skill (and she's a year younger than me). Her original works go from $5000 to $3 million. That's right. MILLION. Which is why she's been inducted into the Richest Kids-Entrepreneurs of America.

Now, I sit here and wonder: does that affect her ego at all? She seems like a sweet girl... you know, going on about being inspired by people, by God, being so cripplingly sweet and kind that you kind of want to dive into a pile of puppies and snuggle them... but I would imagine that there's at least a small portion of ego in there, savoring all those fancy titles of child prodigy, the youngest binary prodigy ever recorded, a freaking rich kid entrepreneur, and so on. I mean, come on. PRODIGY is a really heavy title. But I'm not judging. I'm merely speculating. 

The whole point of this Akiane digression is to bring me back to my original point, which is: it sucks to be an artist in this century. And that brings me back to my original original point, which is: that's why I have a problem with recognition. I want it, I need it, but I hate it. I received it growing up. I still receive it amongst family and close friends, or from those who just want to get something from me. Yet recognition makes my ears go pink, because my compassionate side always thinks: "Saying thank you is not enough to express my appreciation." I've been conditioned to think that my work is not good enough, but when I receive praise, the egotistical thoughts take over: "Finally! Recognition!"

Of course, there are times when those thoughts don't pop up at all. I could receive praise or recognition and still end up with only compassionate thoughts - wanting to express gratitude. I think the egotistical thoughts pop up when I haven't been recognized for a certain period of time.

I'm going to need a whole other post to continue talking about this. I guess I'll save that for tomorrow, although I fear all my good thoughts will vanish by then.