Identity

courtesy of grenoMJ.com

Well, I put in my notice at dA. I'm not "leaving," but I did mention that, with the exception of someone's SS gift, I would no longer be uploading my work there... at least for the foreseeable future. Who knows? That may change.

But now, as I sit here thinking about everything, contemplating Winterspell stuff, I realized how much I struggle with identity. What has me so fixated on it?

I was thinking about an artist name for myself - something that would define me and what I do as part of this whole "creative rebirth' process. One may ask: "Why not just use your real name?"

Here's the thing about me and my real name: I hate it. Although the numerology behind it is spot on, I have never resonated with that name. It always felt "odd" to me. If I have to wear a name on Earth like a shirt, I'd at least want it to be comfortable. Mine, however, is not. It's itchy. It's not the right size. The tag keeps bugging me. It's got an ugly pattern on it. 

That's why I'm so obsessed with finding names I do like. Although it took me a few years, I found two names that I resonated very well with. Now, society recognizes these names as "masculine," but I was never one to care for the gender of names. They're just names. In fact, a lot of names we know as "female" were once "male" in the past, and vice versa.  So that never surfaced as a problem to me.

Long story short... this is my predicament: because of my creative intentions, I am now struggling to decide how I'm going to establish my presence in this world. I don't want to use my real name because it means nothing to me (and actually, my first name doesn't mean anything at all; it's just made up), and I'm not sure if it's wise to use the same name for all of my creative activities (writing, spirit art, illustration, blogging). At the same time, I feel like it would cause a lot of confusion if I chose more than one name. 

A year ago, when I decided on my pen name, I decided that this pen name would also serve as my artist nickname - for my "ordinary" art and illustrations. This is how my current dA account was born. However, once I started getting into spirit art, channeling, and blogging, I came up with a new name, which was originally the name of one of my story characters: Evaah. I felt very connected to this name. Whereas "Phineas" and "Riley" describe my masculine energy, "Evaah" describes my feminine energy. I felt it was a good balance.

But now, as I'm working to get my ducks lined in a row and make a mark in the creative world, I'm having trouble deciding how on Earth I'm going to get this all straight... even technically speaking. I keep thinking about professional websites and what will happen when my work gets recognized. People will look me up. If I have everything under one name, I feel like people would either get confused or would judge me. 

For instance... let's say I stick with my pen name, Phineas Riley. I write novels. I produce technical illustration, paintings, and so on to go with that. Okay, that's not so bad. An artist who's also a writer. That's been done plenty of times before. But a Phineas Riley who writes said fiction, who illustrates, but who also does card/psychic readings, spiritual blogging, and spirit art? 

Now, I know I shouldn't care about those who may judge me. So I'll scratch that one. But there's still a technical issue here... potential confusion.

Or is that an issue at all? I'm sure there are plenty of jack-of-all-trade people out there who do all sorts of things for money. Is this any different? Can I really make this work under one name?

I don't see why I couldn't. The only reason I'm seeing this as a "problem" is because I know my parents expect me to use my real name in all my creative endeavors. Hell, my dad even purchased a domain for me a year ago because he expects I will follow his preconceived path to illustrator glory. None of my family members know that I have a pen/artist name. And I just know how disappointed they'll be when they find I'm doing everything in my power to avoid using my real name. To be honest, I'm kind of fearing the day I do publish something, because I can hear them (mainly my dad) ask: "Who the hell is 'Phineas Riley'?"

It's almost like the universe is deliberately having me take my time with my projects - so that when it comes time for publishing and putting my material out there, I won't have to deal with my parents' disappointment (or mockery). I'll be out on my own, maybe. In fact, if it works out, I probably won't tell them I published anything at all. 

So in the end, I suppose it may be best to stick to two names/identities: Phineas Riley for my active creative influence, and Evaah Riley for my passive influence. And actually, it's incredibly fitting. Why?

Phineas means "mouth of brass," or "loud-mouth" from a Greek origin, and "serpent's mouth" or "oracle" from a Hebrew origin. Riley means "war-like" or "courageous." It perfectly describes not only my masculine energy, but my "role" as a creative person in this world: to enlighten, inspire, and empower through sly or abrasive means.  Or, as I prefer to think of it: stirring shit (in this case, society) up.

On the other hand, Evaah was a name that just came to my mind one day while trying to name a character (a now beloved character who reflects me), so it doesn't exactly have a meaning or a history, other than serving as a hip alternative to "ever." However, as someone from SF brought up a while back, it still appears as though it can have roots to Eve, meaning "life." 

It may seem silly to get all caught up with names, but like I said before: if I'm going to have to wear a shirt on this planet, I want it to be a comfy one. 

I guess I'll stick with my original idea, then... the masculine name for writing and technical art, and the feminine name for the "spiritual stuff."

Gotta love it.