Birth of Freyja

by hoooook @ deviantART.com

Today's draw is for the Birth of Freyja, representing love, luck, creative expression, and female wisdom. I pulled Samhain, which is a little surprising because this card is all about ancestry, darkness, reflection, and strong spiritual connections. I feel that this is a focus on creative expression and female wisdom - not so much love and luck... in which case I feel I know exactly what's being said here. It's all in the darkness, reflection, and strong spiritual connection. Almost as if it's saying to draw inspiration from my own life. Technically, I'm already doing this. But it's nice to have the confirmation.

I have to admit... I'm very ruffled today, mainly thanks to last night. My patience these days is wearing thin, and everything other than my ambitions is agitating me. I was even thinking about the reckless decision to run off, ditch school, and go live, rather than be a good little piece in the socioeconomic puzzle. That's how desperate I'm getting here. I'm feeling very boxed in lately - caged, almost - and with people putting their expectations and judgments on me... well. I'm feeling a bit like Leona-cat right now (we think it's a girl). About to bite someone's hand off. I'm sick of my family telling me what I should and shouldn't do, sick of them telling me that my goals are unrealistic and that I'm sheltered and need perspective because for Shiva's sake, I'm trying to change the world here. 

But the main reason I'm ruffled at this moment is because of my brother. I was afraid this would happen - that he'd be sticking around for so long that I'd become sick of him. I forgot what it was like to live with him for more than a few days. It's been almost a week since he arrived and I'm already wanting him to go - but nope. I have to deal with him until the 6th - the day before I go back to school, which means little to no introvert time before the 20-week crawl toward summer (my spring break is only a week and a half long). 

My brother is cool for a few days, because it's all love and laughter and catching up on life. But once all that has passed, it then becomes tense, because I want my introvert time and he wants to hover, and to top it all off, he has this personality where he thinks he's doing the best for you - he thinks he's more experienced - and he'll belittle you and pat you like a little child and treat you like you're five years old so that he can tell you how you should really do something. However, the moment you try to challenge him - the moment you try to fight or rebel - he becomes agitated. He gets that from my dad.

Very frustrating.

So now I'm sitting here wringing my hands because I've got ten more days (counting today) to spend with him and I'm looking at the calendar realizing I'll be back to school in a flash and even though it's almost been a month and a half I feel like I've only been out for a couple weeks and I'm not ready to sit at school from 11 AM to 7:30 PM amidst all that stress only to come home and have my dad on my arse demanding to know what I'm doing or how I'm feeling about school and whether I still have intentions of staying enrolled.

Damn it. 

But, of course, this is an ideal situation for learning to apply my new mindset: the one I've been talking about but haven't actively been incorporating into my lifestyle (not entirely, at least). I am the water, not the rock. I have to revert into a state of pure awareness... not awareness with judgment. I can't allow these stresses to dominate me. That'll get me nowhere. 

In happier news, though, I have now contributed 8000 words toward Winterspell. I wrote my three favorite scenes, so I can now begin to write the others based on those. This is actually the first time I'm writing a story using this method. The part of me that digs organization always wants to write it all in order, but I haven't been very successful because I always hit a wall. I'll be interested to see how this new technique goes...