Father Troubles

by joeyv7 @ deviantART

Was caught off guard by this morning's dream. In it, my dad was dead. There was more emphasis on my mom's family (mainly her brothers), but for me, the interest lies with my deceased father. I don't know the context of how he died; however, he was present, and was wandering the house (trailer?) looking for something. It was very odd, because I was following him around, trying to offer assistance, and he was... well. Dead. I wasn't sad or even thrilled to see him. If anything, I was more curious to know what he had been doing at "Home" - or even what he had seen when he died. 

It was funny because as he was looking for whatever it is he was looking for, he was holding his phone and wallet and possibly keys like he normally does when he's out and about. When I asked him what he'd been doing, he said he'd been teaching. I can't recall my reaction in the dream, but I find this amusing... my rational father not only accepting the "afterlife" (if there is one), but embracing it by doing his earth job in spirit (he's a TESOL teacher... or, for those who don't know, someone who teaches English as a second language). There were some other interesting bits in that dream, such as a tattoo parlor on wheels and a hunt for my godfather's clothes.

Before this dream, though, was a shorter Merlin-inspired one. I was watching this teaser/trailer for the Merlin film, in which it was hinted that Arthur had magic, and the bond between him and Merlin had strengthened even more (to the point they were sleeping in the same bed... hahaha). When I woke up, I had thought that that trailer was real. Wasn't too happy to realize it was a dream. 

Anyway. Back to the dad thing - it was actually a very appropriate dream for my feelings toward my father. I mentioned in another post that I don't like my dad's personality. He's very controlling and likes to ensure everyone is playing their part under his plan. He expects you to allow him to make fun of you and criticize you, and if you show resistance, he gets all pissy, and then trying to converse with him is like pulling teeth. 

My dad has this weird way of "testing" people he's close with. He'll deliberately do something to anger or upset you to see how you react so that he can determine the weight of the relationship - whether it's fading. As you can probably guess, this is a very annoying habit; it makes me not want to face him at all.

Which brings me to say: I can't remember the last time I had a decent conversation with my dad. Neither of us are into "small talk," but when we actually do communicate, it's usually him asking me questions about what I did, if I'm on top of my crap, whether I'm wasting time, etc. It's all "business" with him - unless he's making fun of me, which he loves to do. Keeps him feeling superior, I guess.

My point is: I could live without my dad. His energy is unfavorable. This is why I'm somewhat looking forward to him living overseas. It's hard to live with and love someone who controls, criticizes, and makes fun of you. I don't care if he's "blood." Genes don't mean anything to me if there's not a mutual relationship of care, kindness, and respect. Saying I should love/deal with my father is like saying I should love/deal with my controlling boss because he's the one who gives me my salary. 

Now, I'm not saying I hate my father. He can be a really great and lovable man when he's not doing the things I listed above. But in the past few years, I've had to deal with his energy (which grew worse as he took on more work/stress), and the more I work on myself, the less I'm able to put up with it. I've managed it because I rarely see him; he has 3 jobs and is in school for a master's degree, which means long hours at work and/or downstairs in the office, away from me. 

So even though it's going to be hard taking on all the responsibilities of life that my dad usually deals with, I'll be spiritually/emotionally relieved when he goes to teach English overseas. Of course, this also means Mom will go with him, and I'll be alone in the house. But I can see some seriously good things about living alone, so long as I'm in a good place. I was a little shocked to find out that my parents were thinking about dumping me into a smaller place; I thought that I'd be staying in this house. My mom does have a point, though - it'd be hard for them to pay the rent overseas and pay the rent/bills for me.

There's a lot of change coming up in the future - and big changes, at that. I really need to start doing my research so that I can give myself a confidence boost. I'm still hoping for a roommate, although I'm not sure if this will actually be possible, especially if my parents plan on putting me in a smaller place. And, of course, I'm faced with a big question: do I bother trying to manifest and shape my ideal setup? Or do I go with the flow and the experiences that an unknown path has to offer? 

A big question, indeed.