Flora

by pixiecold @ deviantART

Another unproductive morning of gaming... but that's all right, because it's giving me more inspiration for Winterspell, which, I must admit, is coming along nicely. A lot better than Crucible, anyway.

This morning's dream was once again based on shopping. If I'm not at school, I'm at a store of some sort. But the theme behind this one was independence. 

I always find it interesting how my dream themes tend to repeat. The last time this happened was during the summer, when I kept having dreams about my family - particularly RJ's. It's clear that my priorities right now in the subconscious world are relating to career, job opportunities, and ways to establish myself in the world. 

Which brings me to my main topic: thanks to a deviant I watch on dA, I had a bit of a revelation when it comes to my art. See, this deviant decided she would leave dA, because she claimed to be sick of the site it's become - how it's primarily a fandom-centered site, and how she is tired of being herded around like a llama by her watchers, etc. I do agree with her in some ways. I haven't posted anything to dA since August. I used to be obsessed (well, not really obsessed) with posting things on dA. I wanted to network and put my name out there like any other artist. I wanted people other than my friends and family to know my work. 

But this deviant made me realize something: I'm not the artist I want to be, and I haven't really made much progress in establishing my presence in the artistic world. 

In other words: I care too much what people think.

This actually plays on a recent realization I made for myself - about doing things for myself, about putting my heart into my work, and creating art for the sake of creating art - not because I have something to prove, or have a reputation to build, or money to be made. 

I reflect on the time I've spent at dA. I've bounced through four different accounts (maybe five - can't remember): one was based on my old high school fashion; one was based on Pokemon art; one was based on crappy personal art and my present account consists of a mix of schoolwork and story-based art (most of which I deleted in order to ensure my creative material isn't jacked by thieves). 

However, in recent times, I find myself not as drawn to dA. I'm really only there to keep an eye on the people I watch, because despite what I do, I still haven't established myself there. Fortunately, I have enough respect for others to not play them like some other deviants do; by this, I mean, go on a fave spree through the "newest deviations" section just to lure amateur artists to your page, or give out a buttload of llama badges for the same reason, or watch a whole bunch of amateurs because you know they'll watch you back. I tried the whole group thing for a while, but that didn't earn me a whole lot of recognition; plus, it got tiring having to remember which groups had what submission policies. 

So I guess the conclusion I've drawn for myself is that I should find somewhere else to build up a reputation. I was thinking about tumblr, but the fear I have with tumblr is that the credits will be removed... unless I watermark my stuff (speaking of which, I don't know why that pisses so many people off - you'd think people would understand in a world of creative thievery). I supposed I could also follow the footsteps of certain other artists and make another blogspot for it. I don't feel "professional" enough to have my own website. 

But it's not just a matter of finding ways to get my name out there. It's also a matter of what it is I actually produce. I feel like I'm in the process of being reborn as a visual artist... like I should expect my interests, tastes, preferences, and so on to change. I haven't been satisfied with my work for a long time, and I think something fresh and new is needed. Something that will excite me - something that resonates better.

Most of all, though, I need to stop caring what other people think. Artists are not born to satisfy others... it is by doing what we do for ourselves that we make an impact on others. I need to stop creating for others and start creating for myself.

So yes. A change is needed. Maybe I'll remove myself from dA in the meantime and see how tumblr or another blog goes. I haven't had any particularly bad experiences with dA, but it's becoming more of a site for anime, cosplay, and fanart, and I feel like its professionalism has decreased dramatically since I first joined. I'll still stick around to see what the deviants I watch produce, but I probably won't post there anymore. No one has ever expressed much interest in my stuff, anyway.

Time for some veggie stew and a bit of Merlin.