Becoming a Person of Power

"The Third Eye" - by lusiusmalfoy @ deviantART

So, we ended up getting about 2 inches of snow by the end of Tuesday. And for those who haven't already heard, those 2 inches completely shut Atlanta down.

Essentially, what happened was that our city decided not to pre-treat the roads. We weren't sure if we would be getting that much accumulation, since the day before, we had enjoyed almost 60-degree weather. On top of that, many schools and businesses thought they would try and beat the snow - but their mistake was letting everyone off of work/school at the same time. It started snowing at noon, and within the hour, everyone who had gone to work and school began to leave. But as people were out dealing with this early sort of "rush hour," it got colder, and the snow that was melting on the supposedly warm streets began to freeze into sheets of ice, slowing all traffic down until it was completely gridlocked. There were loads of accidents; buses with kids on them couldn't go anywhere; people spent hours and hours in their cars and eventually abandoned them; police stopped responding to any accident that wasn't lethal, and the Georgia Department of Transportation couldn't get the roads treated because of the gridlock. Most roads they treated ended up refreezing an hour later, too. 

But through all this, we got to witness something truly amazing: strangers helping strangers. We heard stories of people who opened up businesses and convenience marts and even their own homes to take in stranded drivers. People would carry food and water and hot chocolate to those stuck on highways. Sheriffs would drive to people's houses and escort them to their abandoned cars. Tow services didn't charge those who couldn't reach their cars in time. 

It was a really beautiful thing to hear. In fact, we hardly had any news of people taking advantage of the situation. I read of one burglar who ended up getting stuck in the snow outside his victim's house, but that was it. Everything else consisted of people helping people. It was so awesome. 

Perhaps events like this will slowly start to affect the population - in which case I hope for more crises, as inconsiderate as that may sound. It's just so silly to me that we only feel obligated to help each other in times of catastrophe. 

Ah, well. In time, I guess.

Moving on, though, I finished Spirit Walking today, which unfortunately means I'm out of new reading material. But that's okay, because I plan on rereading each book and jotting down the various impressions and ideas I receive. It'll lead to better absorption and comprehension, I think. 

I do have quite a project ahead of me, though. I'm still working on healing fears and insecurities, but the path of becoming a person of power is a long and difficult one. I imagine it's like enduring a second childhood; it's magical and mystical, but at the same time, I'm essentially relearning how to live in this world. I'm unlearning everything that society has taught me and starting with a clean slate.

I'm beginning this journey with two things: awareness and gratitude. Becoming aware of how I act and react - especially when conversing with others - will help me identify potential issues that I need to address. Gratitude will help bring harmony and abundance as I work through the "icky" stuff.

One last thing to mention for today: I really need to work up the courage to tell my dad that I want to attend UMS. I think the guilt outweighs the embarrassment right now, because my parents are spending a lot lately, and I just found out today that my dad's been swamped with work. I feel like I'd be pestering him or stressing him out even more if I told him that I want to attend UMS and that I need help paying for it. 

But I need to act now. I can't sit and hope things will be delivered to me without any effort. I need to get over this fear... 

Zinn

"Let it Snow" - by depingo @ deviantART

I had a rather powerful dream this morning. I can't remember all the details, but I recall one significant moment - probably the most important of the entire dream. I was sitting with this kid named Zinn - he looked a lot like Micah Sanders from Heroes. I believe it was nighttime. Everyone else was sleeping, and I was awake with Zinn talking to him about his issues: his lack of confidence and self-esteem, mainly. I don't remember what all I told him, or if I was of any help to him, but at the end of the conversation, he told me how much he looked up to me for being a strong, wise, knowledgeable person. In response, I said that I wasn't perfect, and that I realized how much work goes into making yourself a more positive being. 

There was a bit after that which was rather inspired by Merlin (I've been rewatching it now that series 5 is available on Netflix streaming), but I don't remember enough of the details to even mention it. I will say, though, that I'm rather caught off guard by this encounter. I don't know who "Zinn" is - I rarely learn the names of dream characters - but I'm grateful I was able to have such a dream and remember it. It's a good representation of what I've been dealing with as of late. I have been getting better with my healing in regard to insecurity, self-esteem, and the like, but I still run into speed bumps, which I imagine are "tests" of sorts. I ran into one on Saturday, while having a conversation about healing and health with Lor. 

But it's okay. This dream was a powerful reminder of what I'm working toward. Speaking of dreams, I had another dream I recalled a few days ago that had me wandering in the woods with a group of people. Part of the group moved on into the woods, but a few of us stayed back for whatever reason, and as we were about to follow, I began to see a number of snakes that looked quite like black mambas (one of the deadliest snakes in the world) emerging from the forest floor. A little while later, I ran into a centaur...

I couldn't feel out the "essence" of that dream as well as I could with the Zinn dream, but the symbolism of the many snakes really sticks out to me. The snakes sort of served as an obstacle - we didn't want to tread past them and get bitten. I imagine, then, that this dream kind of represented moving on into unknown territory with a fear of failure or harm blocking my path. 

...Which also makes sense. Dreams, man. 

I was going to write a bit about ritualism today, but I have some other things to work on this morning, so I'll keep this post relatively brief. I will announce, though, that we're expecting a couple inches of snow today. That makes me beyond happy. It's been a while since I've seen snow, and I've yet to see what it looks like when it falls in this neighborhood. It's supposed to start in a couple hours. 

It makes me think of Zenoheria again, and Eron. Ah, but I'll save that for another day.

The Visionary

by alanpaints @ deviantart (Alan Hawley)

I finished reading Awakening to the Spirit World today, and began reading my second shamanism book, Spirit Walking - A Course in Shamanic Power. I feel lighter, more at peace, more enthusiastic about life, and more in-tune with the world. My eyes have really been opened, and I'm very happy to have finally reached this point in my development. 

The last couple chapters of Awakening to the Spirit World really put the history of humanity's spirituality into perspective. We're beginning to move into an age where people are taking their spirituality into their own hands. They are looking to ancient practices for answers - specifically the "primordial spirituality" that shamanism draws so heavily on. 

What I really like about this primordial spirituality is that it doesn't have a specific answer to the question: "where do we go after we die?" It doesn't have this elaborate design like many religions have. The farthest it goes is that you meet up with your guide(s), loved ones, and helping spirits and experience a life review. After that, we return to the Source, and... we won't know until we experience it ourselves. Unless you become earthbound, there's no well-crafted, comforting story detailing the life that awaits you after death.

I see things from a bigger perspective now. I can better understand exactly what our society has developed into, and how we may slowly begin to turn things around. That requires many of us to take the role of modern visionaries - modern shamans, if you will. There are millions of people "waking up" out there, and they'll need a guiding hand to ensure they help themselves - and their communities - as best they can. 

Interestingly enough, I did a small meditation last night in which I met a power animal. I tried to keep my other power animals/totems out of mind and ended up meeting a new one: Falcon. I've seen Falcon (and Hawk) in dreams before, but never really in meditations. 

The thing I learned/realized in Awakening to the Spirit World is that we shouldn't rely on the symbolism/interpretation of others. Shamanism is a path of "direct revelation"; therefore, any information received while journeying or dreaming is for you and you alone to interpret. The only problem is: in this day and age, we are so cut off from nature that it's hard for us to interpret what the spirits of the earth can teach us. We no longer observe how wolves interact in packs, or how birds hunt their prey, or how squirrels prepare for winter. Nature is "out there."

With that in mind, it seems we have two main options: to use others' insights as a foundation, or to develop our intuitive abilities to the point where we can simply ask the spirit what it's meant to represent. So I think the next time I meet with Falcon, I'll ask what he's here to help me with, although I think of a few themes already: visionary, keen sight, higher perspective, rising above, intensity... 

There's a lot on my mind right now, but I don't have the words for it all at the moment. Lately I've been trying to find a good name/domain for that blog I was talking about before, but all the ones I really want are taken. Perhaps I should ask in a journey what a good one would be (that isn't taken). 

Hope everyone's dreaming away!

The Call of Spirit

"Summer Rain" - by kaijae @ deviantART

It's been almost a week since I last posted? Oops. I guess I've been far too focused on miscellaneous things.

I began reading Awakening to the Spirit World - The Shamanic Path of Direct Revelation by Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman the other day. And just like with Dreams of Awakening, I find my life is already changing. Awakening to the Spirit World affirms and confirms all the things I've been feeling about what spirit is and how it expresses itself to us. I've been drawn to shamanism for quite a while, but was hesitant to approach it, because I know people tend to get pretty nasty about others handling such a sacred practice. Although no one has a right to criticize my spirituality, I do realize that shamanism is one of the spiritual practices that is often misunderstood, and for that reason, its image has been tarnished by modern practitioners and the like. 

But this... this is something that I find I'm truly resonating with. Shamanism gives definition to the things I previously had no words for. I'm really beginning to feel like I'm finding my "place" in this world. I feel like I have enhanced vision. 

The crazy thing? Ever since I began reading Awakening to the Spirit World, I find my mind's eye has been particularly active. I'm beginning to remember my dreams again (bits and pieces, but I'll take it!), and in my half-awake states before and after sleep, I'm beginning to see lots of intriguing visions and images. A lot of it is of nature, although I did see something that looked like it was from "above" (the Upper World, as it's termed in shamanism) the other day. It was like a council of elders among the clouds, with galactic energy spilling down around them like waterfalls. A really powerful image...

And something else? Dreams of Awakening suggested that our waking reality is yet another layer to our dreams. Shamanism apparently recognizes the same thing: that life is a collective dream, dreamed by us. This has given me a whole new way of seeing (and even utilizing) our creative powers when it comes to manifestation. But not just that - it's given me a much richer view on life. 

I'm beginning to see that pieces are being put together. This whole emphasis on dreams, consciousness, oneness, archetypes... I'm being fed all sorts of information, but a lot of what I'm learning directly relates to my intuitive work and the career path I desire. I doubt that's a coincidence. Hell - I even met the boys again the other night, and was given a great big hug. It's like they've all been waiting for this moment. I needed that time away to become aware of my issues, because I've always been running from them. Now that I'm aware of them, and working toward addressing them, it seems I'm ready to return to the domain of spirit. I just need to keep riding this current, because I really feel like the momentum is building for something great. 

I'm filled with such powerful energy right now. What I'm learning has really resonated with and motivated me. It feels so wonderful to have that spark for spirit again. I really missed this. 

I'm being called back to spirit - and to nature. The whole world is rich and alive, and I look forward to renewing myself so that I can better connect with it all. 

The Dream of Life

"Mystery of the Universe" - by Rassouli

Things have been going pretty well these past few days in the relationship domain, so I'm going to take a break from blabbing about that, and instead talk about a most profound thought I had yesterday.

I've been reading Dreams of Awakening - finished it today, actually - and while I was reading about the various types of "weird" experiences associated with lucid dreaming (OBEs, prophetic dreams, false awakenings, sleep paralysis, etc.) I came across a paragraph in which the author says he doesn't believe OBEs take place in another physical dimension, but rather a mental one - which, he adds, "may seem to be separate from us," but "is in fact still within the realm of the larger universal mind that both encompasses and lies beyond the subjective limitations of our personal mind."

While this is kind of a profound thought to contemplate, it did get me thinking about a theory Charlie Morley touched upon in an earlier chapter of the book: that the waking state is simply another layer to the dreaming mind. If what research claims is true - that the brain doesn't differentiate between waking experiences and lucid dream experiences - then who's to say what we know as reality or waking life isn't a form of dream projected by our consciousness?

This is a pretty huge topic, but it definitely got me thinking. For a long while, I've always had a sense that there was something "dream-like" about life. It's rich with symbolism, and it always has a way of teaching and showing you things about yourself. Dreams of Awakening has completely altered the way I'm viewing reality, and I haven't even really starting the process of beginning to lucid dream yet. Of course, I go straight to thinking of the bigger picture - what in the world creates this "dream," and what's the point?

But then I realized: how do dreams serve us? For those who heed and express interest in their dreams, they give us glimpses of our unconscious, our psychology, and the shadow aspects that we've come to hide away. In other words, they show us who we truly are - they help us understand ourselves. Perhaps the "Dream of Life" (or reality) is exactly the same thing - but for the universal consciousness/god-consciousness. Think about it: if everything in our dreams is built from us and our consciousness - from objects to trees to dream characters - is it so crazy to wonder whether the same applies to waking life? That's what oneness teaches, right? We are one with everything and everyone in the world, just like we are one with everything and everyone in our dreams, because it's our consciousness that creates our dreams. 

We only see a small part of reality with our eyes. One tenth, according to Dreams of Awakening. The rest comes from our brains. So if we were blind, how "real" would reality actually be? We might be able to touch and taste and smell and hear, but would such senses be able to define "reality" well enough for us? What would our sense of "reality" be reduced to?

Interestingly enough, this question of "reality" plays on a previous notion I was toying with half a year ago: we being projections of our own unique consciousness. But this time, I'm gravitating toward one singular oneness - not the infinite "god selves," because even though the latter is still technically part of a "oneness system," it still emphasizes distinction and individuality, which I'm not so sure is true anymore. I think more than anything, the idea of having a unique "god self" is a bit ego-centric. It feeds the ego, who likes to think it's in control, and that it will continue to exist beyond death. Of course, I'm not saying we're just projections. After all, the idea here is that similarly to dream characters, we are projections and manifestations of the dreamer: universal/god-consciousness.

There are a lot of unanswered questions here, but somehow, I feel like I'm on the right track. I think a mix of mindfulness, meditation, and lucid dreaming will further assist me in understanding my perception of reality. I'm going to have a lot of thoughts about this... I just hope my fingers can keep up. 

Before I can really start getting into lucid dreaming, I need to figure out what's going on with my sleep cycle, and get to a point of being able to remember my dreams regularly again. My mom suggested that perhaps drinking my green tea in the afternoon is keeping me awake at night, and is therefore screwing with my normal sleep cycle. I'm not sure if this is entirely the case, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to start drinking my tea earlier to see whether things change. After all, I came across these symptoms on Coffee & Health:

The most marked effects of caffeine on sleep, even at levels equivalent to those of a single cup of coffee, have been well documented. They consist principally of prolonged sleep latency, shorter total sleep time, increases in light sleep and shortening of deep sleep time, as well as more frequent awakenings. REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep is less affected. These effects depend not only on the amount of caffeine ingested at bedtime, but also on the amount of caffeine ingested over the whole day. 

I suffer from all of these effects. Plus, up until recently, I've always had my tea (some variation of green or white or oolong) with a square of dark chocolate, which, I've read, contains a lot of caffeine as well. You would think that a cup of tea and a square of chocolate doesn't seem like a lot of caffeine, but... maybe it's a lot more than we realize.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see. I just hope it helps, because I'd really like to get back into dreaming... and remembering those dreams. 

Disorientation

by hoooook @ deviantART

I've been feeling a little off and disoriented these past couple days. Could even say I'm quite confused. I keep receiving various impressions from Lor, but when I address them, he always seems to suggest the opposite. These are intuitive impressions, and since I pride myself with a sharp intuition, I'm finding myself confused and conflicted. Are my impressions actually right? If they are, does that mean he's lying to me? 

He told me he has no reason to lie, and if that's true, then that would mean most of my intuitive impressions are wrong. I admit that scares me a little since intuition is my strongest tool. 

I just receive a very strong impression from him that he's "putting me on ice" because as time passes, he's finding that I'm not what he wants. I'm willing to accept that this may be a fear, but I've observed his behavior these past couple weeks and noticed that he's changed. Perhaps this is a part of the whole leaving-honeymoon-phase thing, but he honestly does seem a bit more distant. 

It's funny how we cling to people even if one or both of us thinks we're not suitable for each other. I mean, I love Lor, and I'm interested in learning all about him, but now that these thoughts of him losing interest are floating around in my head, I find myself worrying and clinging a bit more. It leads to a lot of disorientation as I wonder, "can I change? Should I change? What parts of me does he like most, and how can I use that to keep him around? What doesn't he like?"

This is my first real relationship, and I was hoping it would last longer than a couple months. Of course, all of this could just be me freaking out and being oversensitive. Still.. I seem to be the one making the most effort here, and that's a little disheartening. He says enough to keep me around. But if talking is the only thing we can do, then I need him to talk to me - not just tell me what I want to hear when my insecurities throw a tantrum. 

I realize it's a vicious circle. I cling to him because he gives me the love and attention that I have trouble giving myself, but I fear getting to that state of self-love because I feel like that would give him permission to neglect me (i.e. "Oh, she loves herself? Now I can give her less attention and affection"). Then, of course, I think: if that's really what he ends up doing, then he's not worth it, and I should move on. I deserve better. But thinking that leads to: I can't move on - he's my first real partner and I want to give him a chance! He's been so sweet to me! And it starts all over again. 

I think more than anything right now, I need time and patience. He's got more going on in his life right now than I do, and I have to trust him when he says he loves me and cares. There have been plenty of questionable moments, but I'm led to believe that they were simply moments of misinterpretation or exaggeration based on my fears and insecurities. There's no way to know for certain whether he's really telling the truth, but that's where trust comes into play. 

It's going to take time, and a lot of blog posts, but I'm going to heal, dang it. I'm going to resolve this.  

The Honeymoon Phase

So staying away from Lor didn't really help. I had awfully weak willpower, as well. Kept staring at Skype watching him leave messages and just feeling so eager to talk to him. In the evening, I just ended up succumbing. 

We pretty much talked on and off all day. Spent the morning discussing my feelings on undivided attention. He told me that he shouldn't be monopolizing my life, but I actually disagree a little. He's important to me, and I'm perfectly fine "dropping everything" to spend time with him. That's what I - as an introvert and lover - want to do for him. And on the plus side, there's nothing else important going on in my life right now, so I can afford to "drop everything." In fact, I'm not dropping anything at all. There's nothing to drop. 

But after listening to his own experience on the matter (with his ex-fiancée, too), a notion popped into my head: we aren't in the honeymoon phase anymore. It happened so fast; it seems like the day he left home for a week, we moved from the honeymoon phase into what he calls the "work-on-things phase." It hasn't even been two months yet. 

It made me realize, though - this is part of the reason why I've been feeling so neglected. In the honeymoon phase, I received a lot of attention and affection from him. Every day, almost all day, we spent time together, exchanging our energy and exploring how well we clicked. Once he left home for a week and came back sick, though... that all slowed down. He spent more time focusing on other areas of his life, and suddenly, I found myself becoming upset and frustrated with his lack of attention. 

The more we talked today, the clearer I began to see things: as someone bearing the Wounded Child archetype, I've been emotionally neglected in my family and even amongst certain circles of friends throughout my twenty years of life. I see now that my inner Saboteur is trying exceedingly hard to torch everything Lor and I have built together so far because Wounded Child is terrified of being neglected and/or abandoned by those she loves. She fears that with the decrease in attention Lor's been giving me, he'll stop caring in the upcoming weeks. She fears he'll eventually join the mass of those who have neglected or abandoned her. But Saboteur says, "No way in hell. We're stopping this before that can happen, sweetie," and begins her work to back away from Lor. 

It's remarkable what the Saboteur energy is capable of. It makes me wonder just how many of my nitpicks and fears regarding this relationship are projected by the energy of Saboteur. Wounded Child seems to be BFFs with Saboteur; it's almost like Saboteur is Child's vicious protector. The ego/mind is truly amazing, but equally terrifying. Really gets you thinking...

Lor tells me he's been trying to find a balance in his life between his studies, free time, and me, and that so far, he hasn't found it. I felt really guilty when he said that, because ever since the ending of the honeymoon phase, I've been a lot more insecure and therefore highly demanding when it comes to his attention. But that's not a healthy kind of love. That's not even love at all; that's simply substitution. I latch on to his affection because I'm not generating enough in myself. It's not enough to rely on the love of others - and this is probably why so many relationships are painful and confusing. We look for love and appreciation outside of ourselves, and when we seem to find it, we latch on... unwilling to face the problem at heart (no pun intended?). 

I admit I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of change. It's why this shift from honeymoon phase to "work-on-things" phase has hit harder than it probably should have. Even though I know this would all have been worth it if Lor and I part ways, I still can't bring myself to think about losing him. I have to stop taking things so seriously... but my problems are so deeply rooted that it'll take a lot of time and meditation and affirmations to start to heal. 

During our talk, Lor said something very sweet and empowering to me:

"Misery? That's easy. And very unfulfilling. But I didn't call you mine because I wanted something easy. I called you mine because I knew you had the strength to grow with me." 

I'm truly grateful to him for being my "rock" - my voice of reason. For keeping cool and helping me talk through things. He's been such a powerful force/catalyst in my life, and even though it's painful, I know in the end I will be a much stronger and happier person for it. 

Although I will mourn the honeymoon phase, I will welcome the "work-on-things" phase with open arms, because I know it will clear the way for a happier, more nurturing relationship.