The Illusion of Free Will

by Patricia Ariel

So, continuing where I left off... 

Let's say for a moment that life is all about paving your own path. Free will exists and life was centered around what you wanted to pursue - what you decided you resonated with. Actually, wait. Would you still resonate with things? All things have energy, and give off a specific vibration. I suppose it could still exist energetically speaking. But what good would that do us, if free will existed? It wouldn't necessarily be "free will," because technically, we would already know what would happen as Adonai. We have free will as Adonai. What if part of experiencing Earth life was experiencing a lack of free will? Technically, it's part of "limiting" ourselves. Plus, if the concept of "free will" existed, that would suggest some kind of universal system or force is in place. Will is a force in itself. And if it's a force, that means it's pre-scripted, which still technically means that it's acting as part of a universal script. Earth doesn't rotate on free will. Trees don't grow on free will. The moon doesn't orbit the Earth on free will. Clouds don't drift on free will. Everything acts in accordance with everything else based on a wordly - or universal - script. 

But, of course, humans are so self-centered that we firmly believe we're not part of this system, because we think we hold the illusion of free will. We don't stop to think where our thoughts or impulses or intuition come from. We don't stop to think why we do what we do, because we assume we - as puny humans - decided to do it on free will. However, as Adonai, we've created this system beautifully. We dressed up pre-programming into a disguise, because we knew that, as things evolved and progressed, humans at certain vibrational levels wouldn't like the idea that free will doesn't actually exist. 

Again, I remind myself: several months ago, I would be pitching a fit if someone introduced this idea to me. But by being guided through a specific path, I'm now arriving at this conclusion. That specific path made me much more open to the idea. I sure as hell didn't want to pick this path for myself - not several months ago, anyway. Some people would argue: "Yes, you did. You create your reality through thought and action." In which case I reply: is that the true story? Or is that fluffy nonsense we tell ourselves because we don't want to think we lack free will?

Sit and really think about it. Imagine a world where everybody knew we lacked free will. But at the same time, imagine a world where everybody knew they were a face of Adonai expressing themselves as human. And by this, I mean, really knew they were Adonai, and not thinking something like: "I'm a piece of Creator with my own agenda." 

In my opinion, if everyone shared this perspective, the world would be paradise. Now, I'm obviously not saying my perspective is "right." I don't claim a perspective as "mine," because I realize this is a temporary perspective and doesn't speak for the whole picture. But when you think about it, it doesn't matter if a perspective of spirituality holds any truth. What matters is what you do with that perspective. Do you use it to live life to the fullest? Do you use it to help others? Or do you use it as means to judge and criticize those who don't share your view? It's already obvious that we're not meant to obtain the "ultimate" truth. Therefore, I can only assume that life is a way for us to express our infinite nature in limited forms, and to over-stand and celebrate this in every instance of ourselves.

Of course, this would require alteration in various religions. Those who worship idols, such as Christ, would probably perceive him as an "ascended master" of sorts, or as a representation of a specific force/intention, such as compassion and mercy. Those who believed in singular deities would probably perceive them as something similar. And what's interesting is that this brings me back to the bit I read on the Dalai Lama, who mentioned something about Tibetan Buddhism having to change if reincarnation was ever proved to be false. He understood this general idea of change even though he stated: "It would be hard to disprove reincarnation." The fact that he was open to changing Buddhism was something big, because leaders of other religions were so firm with their beliefs that they refused to admit that their perspective was wrong. And that refusal suggests one thing to me: that these people are driven by power and/or ego.

Because what is refusal to admit wrongness? Ego. 

It's all so vast. Part of me wonders if I should bother to dwell on such things at all, but you know something? If I wasn't this way - if I didn't seek truth or answers - I would still be one unhappy individual. I would be my old negative self. I wouldn't appreciate life as much; I wouldn't marvel at its beauty. I wouldn't respect nature as much. And so on. So yes - I am very happy that I tend to dwell and "figure things out" - because doing so has made me a much happier and much more open-minded person.

So I guess the sole theme of this post is universal force. Creating like from like. And that probably explains why I've been so drawn to the natural world lately - it's like Adonai is pointing and saying: "There's your answer." We like to separate ourselves from the rest of the natural world and its workings and by doing so, we have only become unhappier. We've only created more chaos for ourselves. But that's part of the story. It's always darkest before the dawn, right? There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, etc. Maybe we're heading toward the climax of the story. We're at the "rising action" portion right now, what with people talking about "awakening" and others beginning to hate on society and government and whatnot. For so long, we've been talking about the Earth story in books and other forms of art, unaware that Adonai has been expressing the story through us. We think these stories are our imaginative creations, when in fact, they're metaphors and even literal representations of the (much) bigger picture. 

Therefore, at this present moment, I feel that free will is an illusion. After observing how the natural world works, I'm not a fan of separating humankind from the rest of the equation. That's just plain old arrogance. It's part of the story though, so I'm cool with it. I just can't see why humankind has to be the anomaly. The universal/worldly laws apply to every other aspect of nature but us? That's BS to me. That's... arrogance. It's a lie we tell each other and teach our children to console and blind ourselves. Ignorance is bliss, after all. And what's interesting to ponder is that perhaps some portions of society are aware of this, and utilize this illusion to manipulate the masses. But that's getting into conspiracy theories, and I'm not about to go there. 

Now guess what? I've been guided to watch Star Wars now. "Divine" timing has arranged things so that my brother came for Thanksgiving, and a Star Wars marathon played while we were down in Louisiana. Growing up, I was never a fan of the series because it wasn't my cup of tea, but recently, I've felt inclined to give it a try. It must have something to do with this perspective, what with it referring to force and all. 

I'm not all that familiar with Star Wars. I only remember bits and pieces from my childhood - watching some of it with my brother at times. So I guess I'm about to see. 

(Brother left almost an hour ago to return to Florida... I feel a lot better now that things are back to normal. But he'll be back in three and a half weeks.)

Evaah 

Immovable Himalayas

Cold and rainy today.

Pulled Andras card - he represents conflict. I'm not sure to what conflict this may be referring to, because I feel relatively strife-free these days. So I asked Gita to shed some light on this, and got Immovable Himalayas. Hmm. Maybe this will make sense later. 

I'm pretty excited because I'm about to receive a commission from one of my good high school buddies. I commissioned her back in August, but she's also in art school as an illustration major (she's a year older than me), so she's been pretty busy. But last night, she told me she would soon have it finished. I'm freaking psyched, because I'm a huge fan of her work.

I had an interesting thought a week or so ago about not all manifestations coming through. Mainly, I'm talking about my garage door fails, because that's the only manifestation that hasn't come through 100%. But a week ago the thought came to me that perhaps there's a specific reason for such "failure." 

What if some manifestations "fail" if they're not in our best interest, or if there's a factor that may influence the outcome? For example - the garage door at school. What if I put all my energy into putting that door up so I can park on the lower level, but the universe decides against letting that come through because it knows my parking on the lower level isn't in my best interest for whatever reason? Maybe it knows that there will be someone mysterious down there (because it IS the bottom level... not many people park down there), or someone who's interested in Johann-Pierre, or someone who may back into Johann-Pierre (because one of my other desires is that the car is safe and out of "sight"). So maybe... maybe there's a conflict between manifestations? 

But you know what that would mean if it were true? There's a degree of pre-programming going on. I did say before that I resonated with half pre-programming, half free will. Balance. So yeah, this idea makes sense to me. I can't think of any other reason why my manifestations wouldn't be pulling through. So maybe when it comes to some manifestations, the universe sees a conflict, and chooses the better of the two. And of course, I have to remind people here: I'm not bothered if I have to park on the upper levels. Lol. In fact, the upper levels are good because there's more activity up there. 

This all ties into the "everything is connected" concept. Because when you think about all the decisions that people are making around you... they're creating their realities and somehow that is aligning beautifully and perfectly with your own. They all come to a happy medium. So perhaps that balance/sacrifice is needed, because some people's decisions will influence your reality, and in order for the universe to give you want you want, those sacrifices will give you the overall better outcome.

I'm assuming this ties into all manifestations - not just the tiny ones... in which case I now understand why people are always saying "trust in the universe." Because what may look like a defeat or rejection at first is only paving the way for something better. Keeping my car safe and secure is, in the long run, a lot better of an outcome than temporarily parking on the lower level and having someone break into/crash into/steal it. 

On a somewhat similar note... I'm feeling so connected lately. I have this excited energy building up around me - I feel like change is coming. Big change. I know it's not surprising for this time of year, but I wonder if it has to do with all the global energies. It reminds me of Jennifer Hoffman's 2012 predictions, which I mentioned a few times back at SF. According to her, late October to the end of November will be the fifth "power period" (energetic shift or alignment of some sort) of the year, and will probably be known as "The Time the World Changed." People demanding the truth and whatnot. And with today being Election Day, well... that's probably a big contributor. And for those who are curious - no, I'm not voting. When I was talking to my brother yesterday (he's voting because he's in the military and claims he doesn't want his commander-in-chief to be a "pretentious douchebag"), I realized that I couldn't come up with a solid excuse for not voting. I was just never interested. I'm not like the Americans who say "my vote won't count." I just... I never had the interest. Never felt like I should, because politics are way above me, and when it comes down to it, I'd just vote for the guy who I think is more tolerable of the two. And maybe that's a reason to vote - I don't know. 

Tonight should be interesting...

Evaah     

Regression

"Plume" - by thienbao @ deviantART

Lucifer is bombarding me.
I feel like his name was just set on repeat in my head all night long, and then I get up and see all these Lucifer references as I go through my usual routine.

But not only that - I stumble upon this one illustration on tumblr that kind of stops me in my tracks for a moment: a man standing with a tame black dragon.

I feel like... I'm regressing. Lately, things have been pushing me toward my past, and I'm not sure why. Pierre has been most prominent, and then for one reason or another, Spike was referenced too. I just keep thinking back to everything that happened over the past two and a half years, like someone's pointing me in that direction. I'm not sure if I want to go down that road, though, because what would be the point? Everyone always emphasizes how important it is not to live in the past (or the future, for that matter), so why would I be nudged that way? So I can find more "answers"? 

I do want answers. But what frustrates me is that I already have most of them (I would still like to know why "Spike" was revealed to be "Shiva"). I keep thinking: "Why did all that happen?" Everything with Eron, with Pierre and Spike and Shiva, with Lulu, and so on... but the answer is obvious: to get me where I am today. If one of those events didn't happen, I would not be at the moment I am right now. Every little thing lined up the way it did to bring me to the present. 

Now the big question is: did I attract that, or was that part of the pre-programming? 

I'm going to compare my view with Lulu's for a moment (Lulu, love, don't feel the need to defend yourself, haha)... Lulu doesn't resonate with "pre-programming." I can understand that. But the thing is, if it's not pre-programmed to some degree, then what is it? All created by us? Did I, at some point, decide I would attract a dream of Eron? Did I decide, at some point, to attract Pierre or a guide who was a "SC" and a Hindu deity in disguise? 

I just realized something here. For the rest of my life, I'm going to be trying to "figure things out." That's just my nature. I like to explore. This only emphasizes the lack of ultimate truth. When I consider that, it makes some aspects of spirituality seem completely pointless (notice I say SOME aspects, meaning the ones where you sit around and contemplate life). For however long, I'm going to be finding answers that resonate with me at a specific time. 

Now contemplate that for a second. If my truth is changing, that suggests my vibration is changing. My vibration represents this particular face of myself and all the characteristics associated with it. If my vibration is changing, it's most likely getting higher. My vibration changes depending on decisions that I make. If I choose to feel happy, it increases. If I choose to follow a path of love and peace, it increases. 

You know what's been slammed in my face several times, along with Lucifer? One short but powerful phrase: "everything is connected."

Okay, but what does that mean exactly? Yeah, I already get that everything is connected, but to what degree? Universally? Yes, that's what I think, too. But that doesn't explain HOW. 

This is where I use nature as an example. I was thinking about this yesterday, because I realized how appropriate it was for people to get dry skin in autumn/winter (representing "shedding baggage"). Nature does what it does. It's been like this for billions of years. Everything is perfect and pristine with nature. Four seasons. Storms to clear out leaves in autumn, bees to pollinate flowers in spring, a food chain that keeps everything in balance, and so forth. Nature is the perfect example of balance, not counting human interference. Things are stable for a while, and then change is brought in to keep things evolving. Storms wipe out a coastline. Volcanoes erupt. Et cetera. 

But at the same time, everything comes in cycles, yet everything always returns to the beginning before starting anew. Being part of nature, would the same apply to us? It's funny, because several weeks ago, I said that I didn't resonate with the idea of coming full circle, but would be open to the idea. Now, I'm beginning to open to the idea, because I'm beginning to see all the details. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm regressing - so I can observe such details. 

Now, this whole bloody ghost thing. Okay. I get it. I don't have experience in this area, so I obviously can't relate. Luci is probing my brains with this one though, because he's referring to the "universal force" theory I have yet to elaborate on at VotS, and also referring to Cas from Supernatural, who says in an episode:

"Pardon me, but I have spent the last 'year' as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent."

That's almost exactly how Luci describes the forces we know as deities, gods, goddesses, spirits, angels, and demons. Energy with intent. So is he suggesting that ghosts fall under the same category? I mean, when I think about it, it makes sense. Ghosts... manifestations with intent. They usually have a 'reason' for sticking around. What's interesting is that the word "ghost" comes from Germanic roots meaning "fury, anger." In popular culture, "angry ghosts" are fairly common. And when you consider the history of ghosts throughout the ages, it's kind of fascinating:

• Egyptians believed they were able to inflict misfortune and illness on the living
• Early Greeks merely saw them as vaporous - and that they could give advice/prophecy; later, however, they were seen as frightening and both good/evil
• Romans believed ghosts could exact revenge on enemies
• In medieval Europe, ghosts were either souls of the dead or demons (figures); the former were believed to be in purgatory to atone for certain sins
• Renaissance/Romanticism era led to certain beliefs such as ghosts stemming from the grief of the living

What I find interesting is that throughout most of history, ghosts were seen as evil, violent, or in distress. Somehow, I'm not surprised. But you know, I can only speak for myself. Since this post is getting long, I'll just elaborate on it on VotS. Plus, at this point, I just feel like I'm trying to prove someone wrong, and I don't want that.

I have a lovely, relaxing Sunday to enjoy now.

Evaah  

Fume Headaches

So I spent my whole day anticipating my new oracle cards. It was practically torture. It was almost like UPS knew how excited I was, because they normally come midday to early afternoon, but today, the guy came at 6:30 PM. 

That's all behind me now, of course, because they're here, and they're fabulous. I'm satisfied with my purchases... so now I'm just sitting and waiting for my Gita deck, which I'm sure will be my favorite for obvious reasons. Amazon told me it shipped today, but I still can't track it yet, so... I'm still hoping I receive a pleasant surprise tomorrow, especially since I'm not going to P&D (I realized I had a lot more storyboarding homework than I initially expected). 

The Psychic Tarot deck is pretty nifty. I like the illustrations, even if they are kind of standard. Half of them appear to be inspired by medieval times, while half are more new-agey. I don't care much for the medieval ones, but I like them enough. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that they are purple on the backs and edged with gold (purple & gold = win). I also enjoy the tarot-oracle hybrid style... The major Arcana were renamed, and the minor Arcana were replaced by colors, which I like, because it helps me understand the emphasis of the card (red for physical, green for emotional, etc.). My only complaint for this deck so far is that it's a little hard to handle. The cards are wide and a little thick, which makes shuffling difficult. Even my method of drawing cards is a bit challenging with this deck (I don't shuffle and deal like most others; instead, I hold the deck in my hands and let my intuition guide me to a certain "side" of the deck, where I'll then split it, put aside one half, and draw the card on top. I feel more satisfied with the cards this way because I know it was my intuition that guided me... seems less like random pulling). 

So yeah. Thumbs up for Psychic Tarot so far, other than that one complaint.

The second deck I purchased, Fallen Angels, is my favorite of the two so far (until Gita arrives... lol). Just look at that art, yo. Very visually striking. As expected, they did a good job assigning attributes to the angels. I was very excited to find Marchosias in there, too, because I adore Marchosias. There's a good balance between positive and negative cards, although I do admit it's difficult for me to keep up with the angels themselves. Half the names I don't know how to properly pronounce... and I'm only familiar with a handful of them. But it'll come with time and practice. 
I also dig the size and thinness of these cards. They're easier to shuffle (if I need to shuffle) and handle. My only complaint is just a matter of unfamiliarity with the cards, because the names are hard to memorize and many of them share similar characteristics. Oh - and it's better to use these cards for more serious matters. They're not ideal for, say, spiritual progress and fluffy topics. These guys are best suited for plain old life and its drama.I mean, they can be used for any topic, but interpretation gets a little tricky for fluffier ones.

What I found interesting with the Fallen Angel deck is that I could receive impressions of what these entities were telling me. I was doing my first reading with this deck for a guy at SF - he asked about this girl who expressed interest in him and what he should do about the situation (because she's apparently "stalling") and the card I drew to represent the present was Focalor, who's associated with turmoil and madness. When I was typing up the description, I heard a quiet voice "say" distinctly in my mind: "This is crazy. Don't waste your time." 

I kind of had to laugh, because I've referred to myself as angel-deaf all these years... yet the moment I start working with the wise entities of the darkness, I can "hear" them easily. I know what some people are probably thinking, so I'll say: just let it go. I respect your truth, so please respect mine.

So I spent my evening doing a few readings for the peeps at SF who are interested. Good results so far. But now I have a semi-headache from the potent "new cards" fumes... you guys probably know what I'm talking about. But it's worth it. 

Aww. I missed card reading. So much fun. I always love to see which cards pop up... 

Finny 

 

Cards, Cards, Cards

Soooo. I just bought myself another beautiful deck that made me fangirl: the Gita deck (wisdom from the Bhagavad Gita). If you click the link, you'll see why I fangirled. I'm not sure how I missed that deck before; probably because it's referred to as a "divination deck."

So now I'll have a deck with some Shiva cards in it. Awww man. I am excited. Unfortunately, they won't be arriving until Monday... but I'll cross my fingers and hope for early delivery (it happens occasionally).

I was originally looking up tarot decks, because I thought: "Well, hey. If I resonate with the art of a deck well enough, I'll consider buying one and learning it." But I couldn't find any on Amazon that I really liked (and were reasonably priced). There's one called Nefertari's Tarots that is Egyptian-styled and covered in gold (I loooove gold), but it's freaking $36. For good reason, of course, because the gilded gold style makes them really pretty. Other than that one, though, there weren't really any that screamed out to me. Shadowscapes is a lovely and elegant deck, but it's not for me, either.

So I kinda took that as a sign to avoid tarot right now. I never really resonated with it - I think because they seemed too much like playing cards to me, what with the wands and pentacles and cups. Kind of stiff, rigid, and repetitive... whereas oracle allows more room for creativity with different kinds of themes. Yes, the messages are a bit more general and straightforward, but depending on the theme, you can actually intuit a lot of information from them. I like to use them in conjunction with spirit art for that reason. And it got me thinking - maybe that's the reason why I was guided to work with oracle cards before I got into spirit art. Although I don't dislike the idea, I would prefer to be able to fully interpret my art for people. Every other spirit/psychic artist I know is able to do this, so why can't I? 

I've already had a few people tell me there isn't a problem with this. And... I don't necessarily see it as a problem. It's just that I need to depend on a secondary source to elaborate details to the sitter, and that frustrates me a little. I either have to rely on my interpreters or use my cards to give a more specific direction. Of course, this only applies to channeled work or spirit portraits (sometimes). Aura stuff I'm pretty good at because it's straightforward and not very symbolic. 

I'm not sure if this is something that just comes with practice or what. Maybe it relates to my lack of sensitivity. And I was wondering - from my previous post - that perhaps it might not be all pineal calcification. I still do have a teensy fear of the unknown, only because I don't know what to expect. I never had those "childhood scares" that every psychic/medium and their mother experienced... you know - seeing the ghost of your grandma or a complete stranger at the foot of your bed. The only "scare" I recall was based on my ability to astral project with ease. The sensation of spiraling back down to my body freaked me out after numerous times, so I guess I subconsciously rejected the skill. But I never knew what that was. 

So yeah. Not seeing things with my physical eyes has been both a blessing and curse. I want to see the richness of spirit all around me, but there's still that sliver in the back of my mind that's thinking: "What is it like? Will I see 'things'?" And by things, I mean the "stuff" that people often report, such as shadows lurking and faces staring at you as you sleep. Who knows, though? It might be different for me. Maybe I should consult the wisdom of the darker realms for help... to see things from their perspective. 

On a completely unrelated note, it astounds me to see how animals can guide us. I've been working on my research journal every day and these past couple of days I've been taking notes on animal totems and symbolism... it's very intriguing. It makes me wonder if that's why we included animals on this planet - not to consume them, but to learn from them. It's so freaking cool to think about, especially when you consider that each animal has its own peculiarities that distinguish it from other species. From turtles with their protective shells to swans and their companionship... there's so much symbolism embedded in these creatures.

I was delighted to discover that my Celtic animal sign is a snake. Prefer that much more than a rooster. I freaking love snakes. I think I might like one in the future... a leucistic one would be awesome, like a ball python (I believe rat snakes are aggressive). 

Aghhh. I hope that Gita deck comes early. 

Finny

Nacht

"Leliel" - by Peter Mohrbacher

Feeling inclined to explore the darker side of life. You can only learn/experience so much from the light and fluffy, and I feel like I'm in control enough to see what darkness is really about. My gut says that it's something that's been seriously misunderstood, and I believe most - if not all - of the "nasty" stuff is the result of fear. True dark energy is just as powerful and necessary as light energy... without the balance, we would either have no evolution whatsoever, or all chaos. 
I also think that an over-standing or exploration in darkness can help me to better embrace change and fear. I still do have a few fears to face.

Funny that I'm more drawn to the idea of "demons" than angels. But I don't see "demons" (god I hate this term... does anyone have a better one?) as entities who want to possess or curse or harm you. Instead, I see them as energies or personified forces that exist to help encourage change. I think that may be why they're associated with possession, curses, harm, and destruction.. because people wanted to blame something for the changes they were experiencing: natural disasters, break-ups, disease, death, nightmares, war, etc. And by then, Christianity was probably in full swing, so of course from this stems sins, and "demons" who tempt you to sin, and so on. Kind of sad, in my opinion. 

I like the darkness. I mean, I love light, but to me, darkness is mysterious, quiet, and beautiful... not to mention deeply misunderstood. It's an awesome feeling to sit in my bedroom at night and just experience the void... (hey, that would make a good meditation..)

In other news, I'm beginning to realize that one of the biggest keys to manifestation is feeling. I had a garage fail today, and I realized that I wasn't too passionate when I made the demand last night/this morning. So I think the key is to really put yourself in the moment, as if you have already manifested your desire, and to feel the emotions associated with it - not to make halfhearted demands. Will test this for the remaining three weeks. 

I decided to go to P&D on Saturday, since I have to go see a film for my storyboarding class (Argo). I hope they have some good statuary out. But I'm going to splurge a little bit.. see if I can find a good Shiva statue, a black dragon for Pierre, maybe some tapestries (if they have any good ones) or oracle decks. We'll see. I haven't been there since March and I understand they moved some stuff around, so maybe I'll find something new. 

I registered for winter quarter classes today. Two illustration classes and 20th century art course. I'm not much of a 20th century art person, but I'm sure it'll be interesting... somewhat. I'm also going to start working on thumbnails for the children's bedtime story my dad and I are working on. I feel a lot more confident after some related classes. 

Having second thoughts (again) about turning VotS into a book. I thought it might be a good idea, but then I realized: what would be the point? Just to make a little extra money? I could do the same thing by monetizing the blog (then again, since I share this account with Lulu, that probably wouldn't work out)... it wouldn't be as much, but it'd essentially be the same thing. When it comes to spiritual information like that, I'm not sure if it's wise/ethical to charge for it. I know a handful of other people do, but it reminds me of The Book of Earth. For those who don't know, The Book of Earth is a series of channeled messages (channeled by Asta Tuominen) that served as the foundation for my truth. I stumbled upon it on SF a long time ago because Asta was an active member there, and was hooked, because I resonated with 99.5% of the material. I had never resonated so well with someone else's channeled material before. And what was more surprising was that the BOE was channeled from Elohim - not some entity or group of entities with a stylish name (no offense to those entities, of course). What I read in the BOE was basically what I imagined my idea of Creator/Source to sound like. It was really refreshing. But the point with this is that Asta tried to send the BOE to publishers, had it rejected, and realized that she preferred just to have it available for free.

So yeah. Maybe it's not a great idea to turn VotS into a book. I don't want to charge for information that should be generally available - especially when I can expect income from other sources. 

Time to watch the new episode of Supernatural.
My oracle cards come in tomorrow - I'm excited to start using them.

Finny    

Magic Journals and Manifestation

"The Book" - by Michael Zancan

I came across a wonderful idea on tumblr: magic journals. 

It's a really simple idea - I'm surprised I didn't come up with it myself. Basically, you write down what you want to manifest... adding thoughts, ideas, pictures, etc., as a means of bringing it into reality. So I'm getting myself yet another new journal for this, which is good because I have so many specific things that I want to manifest, and it's getting a little hard to remember them all. Lately, I've just been focusing on the major desires... 

I've been noticing that manifestation works better when I understand something to have already happened. Before, I was making demands. For instance - with the garage door... I would state: "I expect the garage door to be up when I arrive," and visualize myself seeing the open door. But I tried a new method based on a meditation I did the other night, where you not only visualize yourself with what you want, but know it's already there, and experience the feeling associated with it. So these past three days, I've been doing just that. I'll do the visualization, understand that the garage door is already up, and feel the joy associated with parking on the lower floor (yes, there is much joy to be had). We'll see if it keeps up.

In other news, I just bought myself two oracle decks: Fallen Angels and the Psychic Tarot Oracle. Even though I don't use cards extensively for readings, I do like to use them for confirmation, because certain phrases or words from these cards can often be a "sign" for me (like The Moon and Shiva...). I do like my own decks, but mine aren't even illustrated (waiting for my skill to improve), and since they're made of blank index cards, it can get a little difficult to shuffle and handle them. So I'd like some sturdier decks with themes and illustrations I resonate with. It's funny because I actually did make a fallen angel themed deck for myself, but I got rid of it; I couldn't get the meanings right. So I'm hoping the deck I bought will be much better than mine.
Maybe I'll even offer oracle card mini-readings as a little bonus for spirit art stuff.

I might get an actual tarot deck in the future, but right now, I'm feeling too lazy to try to learn it. I would just do it Squig-style and read the pictures of the cards, but I feel like that would get repetitive after a while. I like to combine reading the image with the general card meaning, so yeah. Will learn tarot in the future. I probably shouldn't expect people to be interested in the fallen angel deck, though. Lol.

I don't know. I've just always had this fascination with the darker realms. I obviously don't believe in hell or demons, but the darkness is always much more interesting than the light - probably because we know what light is like already. I find the darker realm quite beautiful, actually. It really is misunderstood.

And speaking of darker realms, I decided to switch my Nanowrimo topic from my usual big project stuff to something darker. I was going to write the prequel to my main project, but since it's such a big story, it requires a lot more planning and deliberation. So I'm deciding to approach Nano this year the way you're meant to - jumping in with a story from scratch.. rather than something you've been working on for years. 

For those who don't know, Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month, which takes place every November. This is my fifth year participating. The goal is to write a 50,000 + word novel by the end of the month... and even though there aren't any big prizes (other than a couple of discounts and a free printed transcript), it's still a wonderful experience, because it reminds me that great novels can be written in a month. Will the novel be good right then and there? Of course not. After all, it's about quantity - not quality. But there are a lot of writers out there who take months - even years - to formuate a draft or two.

So yeah. Seven more days till that starts. Unfortunately I'll be in school for half of it, and then in Louisiana for Thanksgiving, so this will be quite the challenge. I usually have a good understanding of what I'm writing about before I jump in, but this year, I'm basically pulling something out of my arse. I'm calling it Threnody, and it's basically an experimental work (as far as the writing style goes) about an underground (literally and figuratively) culture that chooses to live life a little on the darker side. In other words, they live alongside dark entities and deities and whatnot. I haven't fully fleshed out the idea; I probably won't talk much about it though, because I do have serious intentions of publishing all my work. 

Thirteen days and counting!

Finny x

 

 

The Light Bringer

"The Angel" - by heise @ deviantART

Well, I'm not happy, but I finally understand why Lucifer's popped up...

• Represents wisdom through self-exploration.
• Lucifer represents rejection of accepted “truths” to instead explore possibilities.  
• Symbolizes rebellion with a purpose; knowledge, wisdom, and power.
• Represents balance spiritually and physically, that Light and Darkness are equally important to the mental and physical health of individual. 
• Represents self-deification with earned compassion and the value of loved ones.  
• Lucifer in essence is in us all, Lucifer (Latin: light bringer) is the fire, the power of spirit, and the knowledge of self one can tap into through learning and embracing self honesty. Once this is accomplished, your aura will light up, making you feel bliss and joy. 
• Lucifer is the spirit of motivation and self empowerment, it is the very definition of human perfection, the true philosophical ideal. The illuminated mind.  
• Lucifer is the bravery you require to stand alone or outnumbered, the character you need to persevere in society, and the bliss you are entitled to feel on this earth. 
• Lucifer is the unalienable right to think different, and propose new fresh ideas to challenge the old ones, thus bringing betterment to man, bringing thus closer to godhood.  
• Lucifer is the seed of inspiration that leads to great works of art, classical and contemporary. 
• Lucifer is the being that inspires men to say "no" when everyone says "yes", and "yes" when everyone says "no".  
• Lucifer represents respect for the nature of the animal, and nature of the divine being. 
• Lucifer symbolizes the beauty of uniting the masculine and feminine energies in oneself.  
• Lucifer represents self sacrifice for one's ideas. 

I may not be huge on angels, but I have to admit that Lucifer was always the one I was most drawn to... probably for all the things listed. And by Adonai - his presence in my life right now is freaking perfect timing. I could really use his guidance, because I feel shattered and powerless. I'm brimming with doubt. Everything I've been working toward has fallen to pieces, and now I wonder if I even have anything to contribute anymore. Of course my stubborn nature wants to prove my parents wrong. I want to rebel against their stiff advice to prove that we CAN live by following our dreams. 

But I don't have the energy anymore. I don't want to sit through this battle of realism versus idealism. When I look at my skills, I realize that I'm not as fabulous as numerous others are, and it fills me with doubt. I want to write, but I never finish anything because I'm afraid it's unoriginal. My drawing skills are average. And even though I've had many successes with spirit art, I can't guarantee that I'll have what people are looking for. Hell, I can't even give much detail (except for aura-related stuff). 

At least I have my favorite sushi rolls to make the day a little brighter. 

Come on, Lucy. I need your help. 

*Edit - I log on to dA and what's in my inbox? A piece titled "The Fall of Lucifer."
Thanks, Lucy. 

*Edit 2 - Watching a Supernatural gag reel with views at 111,444. Hell yeah.

Finny

  

Stumped

"Meeting Place" - Amanda Clark

A few weeks back, I had wrote a post with Adonai about Home. In this post, it mentioned ghosts and how mediums perceive passed-on souls, though it said it would cover this in another topic. However, I recently sat down to finally write about it, and I hit a wall. I got to a point where Adonai just stopped giving me suggestions, and I couldn't figure out how the topic worked with my current perspective. 

There are lots of people who deal with "souls." You have mediums who contact the deceased (as well as other variations of spirit), those who do "soul retrieval," those who remove ghosts from homes, and so on. I initially thought that these traces of passed-on souls were merely energetic footprints "left behind," but when I tried to explore this in-depth, I couldn't find a suitable answer. I was led to believe that mediumship and its branches were simply part of the "system" of Earth, but that's kind of an empty answer... to say "Oh, we wanted to give ourselves the illusion of talking to departed spirits."

What does mediumship seek to prove? Survival. That's all I hear. In fact, that one spirit art group I was in a little while back sought the same thing for its members: to prove that loved ones remain after death. That's why I left - because I wasn't interested in dealing with the deceased. It just wasn't my area. 

Technically, from my perspective, there is still survival. When I say we are "absorbed," I'm not saying we forever lose our identity. We will always be that "face" or "particle" of Adonai. This is why I understand how people can reach up and contact a loved one. But what about those who feel/see spirits "around," or those who deal with "angry ghosts"?

I want to say this plays on creating your reality. Is that what it really comes down to? I mean, it's really simple when you think about it. Mediums want to help others by proving survivability, so their whole lives, they have experiences that open them up to spirit. When they start acquiring clients, they can access those imprints and memories from our collective energy/Adonai, but because of their perception, they interpret it as communicating with a passed-on soul. 

Perception is a really powerful thing. In conjunction with ego and identity, it creates billions of unique individuals to experience Earth life. So do ghosts and mediumship really only stem from perception? After all, each face of us has its own story. This is a RPG, remember? 

Or maybe... maybe that "separation" does exist, and souls really roam around at home with higher selves, waiting to reincarnate. But that idea of home seems so... artificial to me. It seems like a human-constructed idea based on fear of loss of identity or purpose. 

So perception... just another part of the "story," I guess. 

But I realize something: is having everyone on Earth believing in such things any different from spreading a religion around? I mean, it's a bit different because people are being led toward spirituality out of their own free will, but those who are passing around information are really no different from those who attempt to religiously convert others. Why? Because many speak as though spirit is absolute. People who channel, people who have their experiences... they assume that spirit MUST be absolute because it's "higher" than us. But they don't stop to contemplate how vast and infinite spirit is. To quote Adonai, "it allows room for [everything] to be true." At some level, at some dimension, someone's truth exists. 

And if that's the case, I imagine 'Home' to be similar to Supernatural's description of Heaven:

"Each soul generates its own heaven."

Ahhh. Maybe they're not actually that far off! That complements your perspective quite well. But.. there's a big gaping hole with this one. How does it work for those who expect to reincarnate? It'd be depressing if their reincarnations were an illusion. But would they know the difference? It'd be pointless, sure. That's why I resonate with the idea of "absorption" in the sense that our face still exists to be communicated with, but our consciousness shifts into our highest, purest aspect - Adonai itself... where we know all and perceive all.

Oooooh. Wow. That last bit just dropped in my head. Heh. I must be on the right track. But man.. that's beautiful. Makes sense to me! And because spirit is infinite, omniscient, omnipresent... we can be our highest aspect and our faces at the same time. 

Okay. I think I found the answer for myself. Now I can go write that post. Lol.

Finny x

The Final Step

"Rogue" - @ seageart.com

Took a couple more steps in this process - namely creating my pros and cons list, and jotting down what I want to manifest. And whoa. Just now, I got a weird pressure shift in my ear and some tingles at the back of my head. Never felt that before. 

Some of my pros:

•  No wasted time/money
• HAPPINESS
• Fulfilling heart's desires
• Helping others
• Living simply
• Working more independently
• More time to do what I truly want to do
• No $100k debt
• Working with people I resonate with
• Working with natural gifts
• Being "social" in a way perfect for me
• More freedom

Some of my cons:

• No "secure," reliable job with "steady" income
• No degree - not that I need one, really
• No "formal" art education
• Not as much "real world" art experience
• Stress & intense deadlines
• Unhappiness
• Less time for personal work
• Not following heart's desires
• Working with unfavorable people
• Wasted money (lots of debt)

And some of my path's goals:

• To become a spiritual teacher/to help others on their paths
• To make a living doing spiritual work, producing art, and writing novels
• To create a variety of artwork and crafts to sell
• To have enough money to live comfortably
• To be surrounded by high-vibe friends
• To become a skilled (semi) self-taught artist and writer
• To live in a beautiful, sunny home... bohemian-style with lots of cultural and spiritual decor and a private garden
• To work at a fitting spiritual center
• To help others develop their gifts

So yeah. I don't see how that's unrealistic. And I think - depending on the time - I can focus on a few areas at once, so I don't spread myself too thinly. This lifestyle will help me live in the present. And what would be even cooler is if I had a roommate who aligned with my vibration and interests (like Lulu... dang it). That way, there would be less pressure to manage expenses, and we could even do some artsy/spiritual work together. 

Man, I am SO attracting that. We could live in a beautiful bohemian-styled house where the rooms look like the one pictured at right, and create awesome artwork and crafts to sell, and watch stars from the backyard. We'd eat well and do yoga and and live in abundance with enough money for ourselves and a little extra to donate. Perhaps we'd even have a little tag-team reading business.

Ugh. I would so prefer that life over the one I'm moving toward now. But what's funny is that in the back of my mind, I'm still working toward my dream life. Before, I was thinking: "Okay, I'll go to school to please my parents, but afterward, I'm so doing my own thing." It was only recently that I realized it was pointless - a waste of time and energy.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm afraid of talking to my parents. Is it disapproval? Rejection? Lack of understanding? Probably a mix of all three. Of course, overall, I don't really give a rat's arse what they think about my life, but my ego-based self is terrified. I was just downstairs eating with them and I couldn't bring it up. I mean, it's not like they can prohibit me from pursuing my heart's desires. They wouldn't do it, either. They respect my decisions. So why am I so afraid?

Pah. I need to talk to my brother about this. He might know how to get them to understand... but as far as I'm concerned, talking to my parents is my last big step before truly manifesting my ideal life.

Finny x 

With Help from the Planets

"The Cosmic Gate" - by acrylicdreams @ deviantART

As if all the other signs weren't enough, I just found out that the planets are also helping me, as well. I'm subscribed to the lovely Michele Knight on Youtube, so I keep up with my weekly/monthly Pisces astrology, and here's what Michele had to say:

First, for the week of October 8th:

"This is all about work and career. You have the opportunity to really dig deep and express your desires, and come up with a brilliant cunning plan on how you're going to achieve those career goals. There's a sort of magic and transformation, so if something drastic happens - even on the surface - it might appear a bit surprising, because Uranus, the planet of the unpredictable is involved... but this particular opportunity is going to be fabulous for you. It's going to show you what you're made of."

And then, for this upcoming week:

"You are opening up to seeing things on a whole new level, and it's making you feel quite powerful and strong. You're a bit like an alchemist - you can transform [your challenges] into something positive, and that is the magical gift this week is bringing you. ..There is also some passion connected to your career or your work, and you could feel a little bit confused on where to put your energy. However... you'll be guided in the right direction. ..You will experience more adventures, you'll experience more expansion, you'll be open to new ideas and new opportunities. You can never look back, because you're literally being reborn and re-energized this week."

Man, this only gives me more fuel to chase my heart's desires. I admit I had a moment of doubt earlier, where I thought: "What if I'm making a mistake, or what if this is only a 'phase'?" But when I inspected the latter idea, I realized that no, it's not a phase. I've always felt like this. I've always dreaded going to school, sitting through 2.5 hour classes, trying to force myself to network (which I haven't really done), and so on. And honestly, I can't see myself working as another artist in the big old film industry. It's just not "me." This face of mine is meant to work with greater things. It's supposed to make some kind of mark on the world, be it through creative work or helping inspire others. Actually, both. Just remember that life purpose reading Tri gave you:

1.) Books
2.) Flowers
3.) Spiritual Teacher
4.) Bodywork
5.) Support

That's basically EVERYTHING I want out of this life summed up in 5 cards (the 6th wasn't as relevant.) Then again, what did Tri say about the 6th card, "Talk to Your Angels"?

 "Your heart knows what it wants, and you must listen to it, regardless of whether others want to try and persuade you to do something else, or follow a more narrow path. This is YOUR path. And you need to be happy with it."

...Yup. I'm feeling far less mopey and much more assertive. Granted, I still don't know how I'm going to approach my parents about this. It's kind of a difficult subject to bring up, but I'm not going to sit here and ignore my heart's calling. I'm not going to sit here and waste my money - and my parent's money - on something I don't even want. I've already put them about $25k more in debt. And there's no way in hell I'm going to waste three and a half years of my life doing this crap when I won't even need it. I won't put myself through that stress. That exhaustion. That misery. I took my parents' advice, and it only made me unhappy.

Then again, I'm grateful for the year that I did spend at college. Why? Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have realized how wrong this path is for me. I wouldn't have discovered my true nature when I did.

So my next step? I need to sit down with my parents and express my feelings to them. I'm not going to be a jerk about it, but I'm going to be assertive. I need to do this before the 24th, because that's when registration for winter quarter opens for me... 

The Anemoi sure didn't break their promise. Lol.

Finny x

The Lurking Buddha

by madhoshi @ deviantART

Buddha quotes have been smacking me left and right in the face, namely this one (in a few variations):

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world."

I've also been seeing other relevant ones, such as:

• "Your work is to discover your world, and then with all your heart give yourself to it."
• "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry for the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
•  "No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again."
• "Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others." 
• "The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed." 

So yeah. Those are some pretty empowering words for me. They give me even more confidence - especially that last one, because it's fear that's holding me back. I mainly fear one thing: getting my parents to understand. Of course I worry just a bit about being able to sustain myself, but you know what? I can pump up the confidence and self-assurance to manifest abundance for myself. 

I just don't know how to bring this up to my dad. Because I know the moment I do, he's going to be all: "WHAT?" or "Are you kidding me?" There's a part of me that hopes he might actually understand. It just sucks, because my parents have a very inaccurate image of me. I have to be my old self around them, because for some reason, they refuse to see anyone else but her. They associate "me" with bitterness, introversion, sarcasm, and spite. So when I act "out of character," I just end up mocked, as if my true behavior is a joke or a false act. 

Because they have an inaccurate image of me, it'll make it quite difficult to explain why I want to venture down this path. My parents obviously don't know about my beliefs, so they don't understand why I want to do what I want to do. And of course they're very practical. They'll do everything in their power to try and convince me to stay in school. I'm actually thinking about merely asking for a few quarters off so I can see if I still want to ditch school after a while. That would mean I'd have to work, of course, but that's not a big deal.

Especially since I made a first step toward my dreams several minutes ago. I gathered up the courage to ask that favorite spiritual shop of mine how one goes about working as someone who offers services... so we'll see what they have to say. I was going to mention my being a spirit/psychic artist, but I didn't want to sound egotistical, especially when I don't have as much experience as all the other "professionals" working there (you know... the ones who've had 10+ years of experience or who've worked under certain teachers for a while). I don't know how many interested psychics they get wanting to work there, so I hope I don't get rejected too early. In fact, I'm not even sure what those psychics are like. I get good vibes from most of them (from what I can pick up from their photos), so it might be cool to work alongside them. Maybe they can even teach me a few things. 

If they seem interested in me, then I'll probably be assertive and approach my dad. I'm going to manifest my ideal result, so... wish me luck. 

Finny x  

 

Seeking Answers

"Shaman Light" - by Amanda Clark

I've been lazy all day. And mopey. Almost burst into tears when eating just a few minutes ago because my dad passed by and said: "Try to look more enthusiastic. Life is good." I told him, "That's ironic," to which he replied: "Ironic or moronic?"

"Both," I said. 

I did have a highlight, though... aside from curling up with episodes of Supernatural. My brother's early Yule gift to me arrived today. The new version of Pokemon. ...Yes, I'm a Pokemon gal. Grew up with it, so it's dear to my heart. 

I did a more comprehensive reading for myself using my self-made cosmic oracle deck. Celtic spread. Asked if it's in my best interest to ditch school and follow my heart.

Present:
Wheel of Vision. A focus on the third eye region and its related gifts. Inner sight, self-reflection, looking within. This is fairly accurate, since I've been doing some soul-searching regarding this matter. Visualizing and whatnot.

Immediate Challenge:
The Golden Wings. Seeing from a higher perspective, or soaring spiritually. This makes sense, too. The former is more applicable to this scenario - I can see why it may be a challenge to view things from a higher perspective. I'll have to figure out what the pros and cons of my decision will be and so on. 

Distant Past: (6 mo. +)
Art of Logic. Hahaha. This is SO true. This is referring to my initial decision to attend art school. It was quite simply a decision based on practicality, realism, and logic. "What's the most logical choice?" School, of course. I had a skill I wanted to improve, and I wasn't quite ready to hop right into the working industry, so school it was.

Recent Past: (3 mo. +)
The Star Keeper. This pertains to ambitions, goals, and dreams of the heart. Also quite accurate, since this is around the time when everything started changing, and I felt more inclined than ever to follow my dreams and ditch my old path. 

Best Outcome:
Divine Feminine. I found this interesting. But what does the divine feminine entail? Creation. Creativity/fertility. Emotion. So this is a positive sign.

Immediate Future:
Wheel of Empowerment. I was kind of happy to see this, because this suggests that in the near future, I'll feel empowered enough to take charge of my life and take the steps necessary to manifest my desires.

Factors Affecting Situation:
Divination. Seeking truth or answers, or exploring the unseen. These are my inner feelings. And since this doesn't contrast with the first card (actually, it complements it pretty well), this suggests that I'm actually on the right path. But hey, it's accurate enough on its own, too. Obviously I'm seeking answers, and I'm definitely exploring the unseen (in general, but also when it comes to manifestation). 

External Influences:
Divine Wisdom. These are forces I can't control which will affect the outcome of my situation. In this case, divine counsel, advice, and enlightenment. This is good. I have powerful forces working behind me.

Hopes and Fears:
Celestial Fate. Kind of speaks for itself, although it doesn't do a good job clearly defining my hopes/fears. I mean, yeah, I believe in "half-fate," but that doesn't have that much to do with my situation... or does it? My clarification card was Divine Guidance. Signs, messages, synchronicity, and other general guidance. Well, that's not too revealing. Of course I'm seeking signs. Oh, whatever. 

Final Outcome:
Goddess of Water. Also interesting. This card is all about purification, cleansing, and healing, but also pertains to emotion or even the essence of life. My clarification cards were Divine Summer and Inner Silence. The former is a lovely indicator of contentment, relaxation, entertainment, rest, joy, and warmth. The latter relates to meditation, contemplation, and listening to the voice within. 

I also asked my Greek oracle deck, in which I got symbolism for rash action, fraud/deceit, light, and (which hopped out of the deck) hope and expectation. But to be honest, I don't resonate with these pickings because I don't resonate much with that deck anymore. So I think I'll just ditch those. 

I've been receiving various other signs, as well. On tumblr, someone posted a spell for "new beginnings." Maybe that's also what Lucifer's "presence" represents - new light. The morning star which rises at dawn, to indicate the beginnings of a new day. Then, of course, there's Lulu, who's paralleling me, and a surplus of other inspiring quotes pertaining to manifestation. 

So I guess now it's just a matter of weighing the pros and cons, and then finally sitting down to talk to my dad/parents about this. That last bit will make me nervous as hell, because this is a huge part of my life and my future, and I know it's going to be hard for them to accept. But I have to do this. I want to be happy. And I won't be happy if I waste three or three and a half more years - and $100k - just to follow my parents' practical advice. 

Finny x

 

 

Running Low on Fumes

"Binds" - by rhinoting @ deviantART

Beware. This'll be long.

To be honest, I'm not happy. Well. I mean, I'm happy, but I'm not happy for my future, because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, and I feel like I'm wasting time. This plays on something I mentioned several weeks back at SF, where I said I felt like I should expect an early death. I know this is something that I shouldn't be thinking about. Some out there might even think it's silly. I don't care. 

I just... I don't see a point anymore. I've kept this at the back of my mind because I didn't want myself to end up simply "killing time." But you know what? That's exactly what I'm doing. In school. This whole art school thing is my way of killing time. Or at least biding time. See, my dad gave me a choice: he said I could freeload off him and mom (so to speak), as long as I either worked or attended school. Technically, I didn't want to go to college. I was done with "school." But my parents nudged me toward it because they thought it'd be good for me. To help "put hair on my chest" (as my dad says) and get me a decent-paying job, too, doing what I "love."

I went along with it for a few reasons. 1.) Because I sure as hell wasn't ready to work - especially at some retail joint. 2.) Because I figured it'd be a good way to dramatically improve my artistic skill. 3.) It would give me time to get my ducks lined in a row regarding my future (personal art/writing projects and whatnot). 4.) I figured yeah, it might help me get a good job in the future.

This is my fourth quarter at school. I just started taking my major/minor classes (although I haven't *officially* stated my minor) - the first year was pretty much all foundation classes. And the more time that passes, the more I'm starting to lose interest. My gut keeps speaking out: "This isn't right for me. This is a waste of time and money." It literally feels like I'm going to school just to kill time. What am I waiting for? This "early death" that I'm anticipating? 

I just had my mom tell me that I looked pale and bony today. And just a few days ago, my dad had a mini-freak out when he discovered I had big cyst on my scalp (it's not HUGE, but it's not miniscule). I actually have two smaller cysts along with it, but they never bothered me, and I read that they weren't dangerous unless they compressed a certain area, etc., so I told him I refused to see a doctor. It actually caught me off guard, because my dad hates spending money on doctors (we don't have health insurance).  I have a couple of other minor issues, too. I haven't been falling asleep easily (I usually do when I'm in school). I feel slow and lethargic when I'm not focused on tasks or distracting myself. 

I know I said I wanted to experience life. But I want to experience the things that I don't have easy access to in this bloody century. Everything I want to experience costs a lot of money. Traveling. Producing lots of art. Eating well. Doing what I love without having to work in crapholes I'd rather avoid. 

But even still, I feel... dry. Empty. I'm not as creative as I like to think I am. My art is average, and my beloved stories - I keep running around in circles with them. There's so much I want to write about, yet I keep hitting walls because of my perfectionist nature, and THEN, I worry that I'm unintentionally copying someone else. Lately, I haven't been receiving that much inspiration. And because I'm in school, I can't work on these projects as much as I'd like.  When I finally do sit down, I find myself staring at the screen, rereading paragraphs until something comes to mind.

"Farewell to Elysium" - by kairosis @ dA

Actually, these days, I've been wanting to teach. And it's interesting because I gave myself a mini card reading yesterday and had it tell me that it's part of my life purpose. I recall Trieah mentioning similar things in the life purpose reading she gave me a while back. But even though I feel the desire, how am I supposed to go about doing it? Would people even listen to me? Because most of them sure haven't in the past. I just had a friend from dA tell me that she found a "twinflame," so I gave some friendly advice to avoid attaching too much significance to that label, to which she replied, "I like having a name for it." When I asked why, she said, "Because I like naming things. It doesn't interfere with my experience." 

I mean, if it's true for her, I can't interfere with that. But it still made me facepalm a little, for reasons that are off-topic to this post. The same thing has happened between me and countless other individuals from SF, where I would try to give my own opinion on a matter, and the sitter would disregard me and beg for an answer from "spirit," because hell - my opinion doesn't count. I'm just a tool to them, apparently. 

Ugh. I don't know. I just can't sit here and want to live knowing that I'll be unhappy. I guess someone might be thinking: "Why not make yourself happy?" After all, I'm always talking about creating my own life. But it's not that easy. It never is. Even if life is good for experience, it now seems so pointless. We sit and play this game over and over with countless instances of ourselves... joining into the Earth system, fitting into society, building up a toolbox of skills and knowledge, and ultimately ditching it all.

Remember when I said I wanted to go into film art? Yeah. The only reason I wanted that was so I could personally work on my own projects if/when they are published and adapted into film. I thought: hey. Maybe when my stories hit the big screen, my school experience will encourage the director to let me contribute with my own skills. That's one of my big dreams. And it's not even for the money. Of course I'll accept the money, because I'll be almost $100k in debt by then, but there's something rewarding about seeing your own creation adapted into another form... especially film. 

So I guess my problem revolves around a single question: how far can my dreams go before they become too unrealistic? As a Piscean dreamer, I'm always hoping for and imagining things that aren't realistic. In fact, I was rereading my natal chart yesterday, in which it accurately noted: "she is happy in her imaginary world, and thus is happy nowhere, because she can never find her ideal world - thus causing a lot of change, instability, and disquiet." 

by Ioneek @ deviantART

You know what I want? No more school, for starters. I want to work by myself. I want to create things. I want to produce art and write lots of novels. I want to teach others about themselves. I want to be spiritually involved. I want a house filled with various culture-themed objects. I want a private garden. I want to live near mountains or water. I want my novels to become film. I want to become crafty and make things, too. I want to eat well and take care of my body with natural products. I want to see the beauty of earth, and meet lots of high-vibe people. I want to live simply.

Is that unrealistic? If I demanded it well enough, would I be able to manifest that life and live comfortably, with some extra to spare? This is why I'm unhappy. Because I don't know. And I'm not sure whether this whole "new perspective" thing was supposed to encourage me to chase those dreams. Right now, I'm on a path I don't enjoy. And I'm afraid to talk to my parents about it (especially my dad), because I know he won't approve. He'll want me to be realistic, and pursue something that will guarantee me a secure, decent-paying job. But following that path will make me unhappy. Generally, I don't want to be a film artist. I don't want to work under someone else's conditions. I want to work for myself if I have to pay bills and sustain myself.

Now, even if my parents did accept my decision, and I dropped out of school, there would still be living conditions to consider. I would have to be making an income whether I lived alone or with my parents. I wouldn't know where to start, either - if I should open a spirit art business, or work at my favorite spiritual shop, etc. And you know... it's sad to me, because I sit here reading this, and I think: "this is too unrealistic." But is it, really? If I put enough energy into manifesting this seriously, would it happen just as I expected/planned? I really do believe this in my heart, but I have to be able to sustain myself. 

Ugh. You hear all those empowering quotes about manifesting your ideal life. Maybe I should give it a shot... put all my energy into it. That way, it  HAS to happen. 

And now I have no desire to work on my homework, even if it's not that much... pah.

Finny x