Rise of the Destroyer

Wow. I feel like I have so much to talk about. Well. So much going on. And I do. Between this whole life decision thing and remembering all the tasks I need to do for school... there's a lot of energy in motion.

I've received plenty of wisdom and advice from the lovely people at SF over the past several days regarding my current predicament. After much discussing, we - well, I - came to the point where I had a bit of a revelation. People told me of their own experiences. One woman told me she dropped out of college to pursue beauty school, only to end up quite successful. Another one told me her daughter stubbornly switched to a less lucrative major, only to end up happier than ever (and I think also successful). And then, I had a dear friend tell me of her choice to quit the dull job she had been working at to write her books. At the moment, she's struggling financially, but she says she does not regret her choice. 

While all these stories and bits of advice were inspiring and uplifting, there was one specific person who really got me thinking. She said:

What I think is this = you live for your colours; colours are your life, cannot imagine life without them. Before I start = am seeing peach around you, surrounding you. Seems to be your colour that I see of you, meaning all will be good. I believe you have an old soul around you, surrounding you, protecting you = all will be good and you will succeed. I just don't see you suited to office, deadlines, late nights, you know power-heading/researching in that type of environment/energy situation. I see and have seen you working here and absolutely shining, well respected. Perhaps if you take the pressure off the enormity of the situation, you know, treat the situation as if you make these plans/ideas all the time = I feel if the decision was downplayed as such the clarity would be found. Ultimately, it is your decision to make, I just feel you would thoroughly enjoy your lifestyle if you choose the "happiness" path, this time.

All of this really added fuel to my fire. It was so comforting to hear this kind of perspective from someone else - it made me feel less crazy about wanting to avoid the cold, lifeless, corporate side of art. But I think the thing that caught my attention was what she mentioned about downplaying the situation. Rather than treat this as some big enormous life decision, treat it as though it's something I face all the time... that way, I don't feel so stressed and anxious about it. I could probably do that easily if I didn't have the realists in my life (parents) telling me what to expect out of the "real world", and how I'm being unrealistic and reckless by wanting to ditch school.

So yeah. I feel like I need to have another talk with my parents soon. I understand their concerns, but I don't want to waste my time or their money any longer. And - if I really wanted to - I could change my mind later down the road and return to school. To be honest, I can't see that happening, because I don't think I'll ever want to work in corporate art, but who knows... maybe I'll go to school for something else.

That's where Shiva comes into play.

A few days ago, the image I posted above appeared on my tumblr dash. I probably mentioned this before, but I don't see images of Shiva on my dash that often. So when that one popped up, I was magnetized. For one thing, that depiction almost perfectly matches my own image of Shiva. As I stared at it, though, I got the impression that this was like an omen of sorts - like the energy of Shiva is stirring in the background, getting ready to release the force of destruction into my life. 

I'm still expecting other references to Shiva to pop up (I always look for 3 sources minimum, unless the energy is like Leon, who loves to bombard me with imagery), but I haven't seen any. So it's almost as though I'm being told to expect this energy in the future. That illustration... it's perfect. Maybe that's also why I only needed one sign.

So that's where I'm at with this situation right now. 

As for everything else... well, it's not all that interesting. I have to make up my 8 AM Computer Art class tomorrow. I won't complain, though, because I'll be home by 11. Plus, I don't have that much stuff to do this weekend, which means: livestream. 

I've been wanting to stream for a while, but of course haven't had the time to do it with all the crap that's been going on. I'm hoping to do it on Saturday when my dad's at school so I won't be disturbed. I just can't decide whether I want to do a personal session with my interpreters or a public session. Hm.

Also, I made myself an account on Meetup, because I figured it'd be a good place to start meeting like-minded people in my area, and work on my connections to spirit. I found one group that's based on channeling guides/angels/ascended masters that is - get this - five minutes away from my house, and on my route to school. However, the organizer only has one group running right now, and it's full. Seven people. 

Already 7:30... I should probably get a few things done for tomorrow's make-up class.

Strong storms tonight. I'm excited. Unfortunately for my parents and practically one to two thirds of Georgia, it's been practically snowing pollen here (I'm being serious), so a nice soak of rain would probably be a relief for those who've been suffering. I'm grateful that I'm not one of them. 

Day Becomes Night

by clowneee @ deviantART

The frustrations and fear are already building up. It's hard to not be fearful when you know that your future will be based on other people expressing interest in your work. Even though I have support from many in the area of spirit art, most - if not all - of this support comes from SF, and you can't advertise on SF, so it's not like I can go on there and be like: "Hey guys, come over to this site and pay me for an actual reading this time" (although a good handful did say they wanted to...). 

My parents aren't helping. I'm feeling ever more frustrated with school, and meanwhile, my dad's talking about the future as though I'm still going to be in school. We haven't yet talked about the whole break thing - I'm not even sure when that'll happen. 

I suppose this is just part of the whole experience. I can't expect an easy transition - there has to be difficulty to face to make it worthwhile. I just wish I had something else besides gut feelings to tell me that I really should do this. I was actually planning on getting a professional reading, but I have yet to find someone who (A) is reasonable in price for an art student and (B) who doesn't inconvenience me somehow if he/she is.

I don't know. I guess I'm just intimidated, which is to be expected. Going this route - even if temporarily - will be a learning curve. If I start making money, I'm pretty sure that means taxes are involved, and I know nothing about how taxes work. In fact, there are probably other things about finances or earning income that I'm not aware of. I'm not sure if a commission-based reading system is considered a "business" that I have to register, either. So yeah. It's daunting. I have research to do, but I don't even know where to begin, because I literally have no idea. 

It seems my parents' way of "training" me to live alone is to throw me into the deep end of the pool - kind of like my computer art professor. Anytime I ask a question, they just tell me to research it myself. Just last night I found out that my dad wants me to go do the smog check on Hans while I'm out at the dentist today, but he wants me to get it done at one of the shadiest places in the neighborhood. As much as I'd like to trust people... by Adonai, that place gives me bad vibes. I've seen 5 cops there at one point, and a lot of dudes just... hanging around. I'm sure it's a good idea to send a young, clueless woman with a nice BMW to one of the shadiest emissions joints in the neighborhood...

Speaking of dentist... ugh. I don't want to go. If it were closer, I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all the way in my old county, which is like a 30-40 minute drive on two of the most frustrating highways in the area. This is the first time I have to go alone. And after almost getting hit on my way back from that old county (a couple months ago), I'm a little... yeah. 

Oh, man. This sucks. My head is now filled with all sorts of thoughts - from ones filled with doubt to ones looking for compromise. Part of me is trying to decide whether I should go with the logical approach and hope to find that "secure" job (which makes me nauseated just thinking about it), or just put all my faith into the mix of things that I'd like to do and be happy despite the time it may take to earn a decent income. I've been thinking of ways I could network or make connections with people who've had success in my area, but my shyness and my reluctance to "bother" these people have been holding me back. There's a relevant Teal Scott quote that comes to mind:

Both fear and faith demand that you believe in something that you cannot see. You cannot see it, because it does not yet exist. And so the question to ask yourself is: what do I want to believe in? The worst case scenario, or the best? 

I really like to believe this is true. It resonates so deeply. Do I really take that leap of faith? In my perspective, I can either experience challenges on a path that makes me happy, or experience suffering on a path that I can't guarantee how long will last. 

And one of the worst parts of this situation... I feel like I'm being rushed into deciding. One may say you have all the time in the world, and maybe that's true, but you run the risk of inconveniencing others. That's part of why I'm afraid to talk to my parents - because I feel like I'd be inconveniencing them with my plan - I'm afraid that it'll clash with their own plans of living overseas, etc. The point is: I need their help. I need them to give me a foundation. They can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim when I've never swam before. That's like teaching algebra to a baby who doesn't know anything about numbers. 

It stings a little, because I remember them praising my brother highly for living alone and "getting his shit done" - in other words, they were praising him for being able to manage without much help from them. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely clueless, and even more frustrated because my brother somehow found a way to make it work, even though I'm sure our parents didn't teach him all that much (unless I'm missing something). 

But I'm just venting now. Tl;dr I'm scared, doubtful, and frustrated, and am looking for a solid answer. However, I get the feeling I won't ever get one... because that's the first challenge, it seems.

Better go get some work done...  

Withstand

"Withstand" - by anotherwanderer @ deviantART

Another brief post.

I actually had no intention of writing today; there was really nothing to report until just a half hour ago when my dad was about to leave for work. I've been asking him about printers because the ones we have are old. I want a wide-format one that also scans, but he wants a laser one for the quality. The one I'm looking at isn't laser, but it works. So he asked me to look at laser ones, and as I was doing that this morning, we came to a point in our brief conversation where my dad said: "I don't know what your needs are" - meaning school. He asked whether I had intentions of staying in school and I told him that I guess I would just finish to get it over with. But he said in a nutshell that if I'm going to finish school, I'm going to have to look for employment opportunities relating to my schooling. That caught me off guard. It makes me wonder: what would he do if I didn't obey him? My plans were to finish school to make my parents happy (and improve my technical skills in the process), but then head in the direction that I need to go in. But now... he's provided me with a roadblock. 

To be honest, I've just been trying to ignore this whole "I don't want to be here" attitude. I figured: hey, I'll be "realistic" for a while and attend school while I figure things out... despite knowing that in my gut, school and corporate illustration jobs are not where I want to be. I've been shoving this whole thing aside because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to unleash the shitstorm (excuse me) associated with telling my parents that I don't want this, and that I would rather live a life helping others through spirit and psychic art while dishing out my own creative material on the side. 

And what's worse? As my dad left my room this morning, he said, "Stew on it during this quarter, and then we'll talk about it later."

Because - you know - I love hearing that from him. It reminds me of October, when I had the "big talk" with my parents that ultimately reduced me to tears (and made me feel quite embarrassed and belittled). 

It's a crap feeling to know your path, but to be told that it's unrealistic. Maybe "financial security" isn't something we should be pursuing. But that's irrelevant to the topic of this post. So now, I have a task. And that task is to decide whether I really want to finish school and head into a corporate illustration career to make my parents happy and worry-free. In my head, this is a no-brainer, but it's obviously a lot more complicated than that. Not being in school and not having a "financially secure" corporate job would make my living arrangements quite different. The whole parents-living-overseas thing is up in the air, too, because of my parents' conflicted feelings (my dad made the mistake of saying if he were single, he'd be overseas in a heartbeat). 

And, of course, it comes down to a big fat question: what would I be doing to earn money?

I could think of a small handful of things. Readings would be high on the list. Spirit art and the like. Becoming more of a professional blogger (which would also mean I couldn't feature some of my favorite artists anymore). Working at a shop like P&D. Doing commissions. Producing my own creative material (selling prints, artbooks, etc.). Teaching (something like online workshops for a small fee). Writing... although this would be more long-term. 

But you know? Idealistic and unrealistic as it may sound, at least I would be happy. Yes, it'd be nice to have money flowing, but I'd be doing exactly what I wanted, and so long as I had the cash to eat and maintain the necessities, I wouldn't care whether I had enough to splurge on things. To be honest, I don't even splurge all that much. And what do I splurge on? Art stuff, mainly. And tarot decks. Art supplies... but those don't count because the majority of that crap is used for school.

There's also a bit of stuff I could sell, like old art or books or trinkets I don't need. 

Man. I knew I couldn't hide from this forever. I'm going to have to start consulting with people again - get their opinions. My guiding energies have been telling me to do what makes me happy for the longest time... but I need other perspectives. This is a huge decision that will ultimately decide how I live and where I'll be in the next few years... so I need to be wise about this. 

In the meantime, I have schoolwork to do. Unfortunately, I don't feel like doing any of the assignments. One's a vector illustration in Illustrator (agh), one's another response paper, and the other is an illustrated recipe. Hm. I guess I could work on that... it's due before the other two things.

Off I go. 

With Help from the Planets

"The Cosmic Gate" - by acrylicdreams @ deviantART

As if all the other signs weren't enough, I just found out that the planets are also helping me, as well. I'm subscribed to the lovely Michele Knight on Youtube, so I keep up with my weekly/monthly Pisces astrology, and here's what Michele had to say:

First, for the week of October 8th:

"This is all about work and career. You have the opportunity to really dig deep and express your desires, and come up with a brilliant cunning plan on how you're going to achieve those career goals. There's a sort of magic and transformation, so if something drastic happens - even on the surface - it might appear a bit surprising, because Uranus, the planet of the unpredictable is involved... but this particular opportunity is going to be fabulous for you. It's going to show you what you're made of."

And then, for this upcoming week:

"You are opening up to seeing things on a whole new level, and it's making you feel quite powerful and strong. You're a bit like an alchemist - you can transform [your challenges] into something positive, and that is the magical gift this week is bringing you. ..There is also some passion connected to your career or your work, and you could feel a little bit confused on where to put your energy. However... you'll be guided in the right direction. ..You will experience more adventures, you'll experience more expansion, you'll be open to new ideas and new opportunities. You can never look back, because you're literally being reborn and re-energized this week."

Man, this only gives me more fuel to chase my heart's desires. I admit I had a moment of doubt earlier, where I thought: "What if I'm making a mistake, or what if this is only a 'phase'?" But when I inspected the latter idea, I realized that no, it's not a phase. I've always felt like this. I've always dreaded going to school, sitting through 2.5 hour classes, trying to force myself to network (which I haven't really done), and so on. And honestly, I can't see myself working as another artist in the big old film industry. It's just not "me." This face of mine is meant to work with greater things. It's supposed to make some kind of mark on the world, be it through creative work or helping inspire others. Actually, both. Just remember that life purpose reading Tri gave you:

1.) Books
2.) Flowers
3.) Spiritual Teacher
4.) Bodywork
5.) Support

That's basically EVERYTHING I want out of this life summed up in 5 cards (the 6th wasn't as relevant.) Then again, what did Tri say about the 6th card, "Talk to Your Angels"?

 "Your heart knows what it wants, and you must listen to it, regardless of whether others want to try and persuade you to do something else, or follow a more narrow path. This is YOUR path. And you need to be happy with it."

...Yup. I'm feeling far less mopey and much more assertive. Granted, I still don't know how I'm going to approach my parents about this. It's kind of a difficult subject to bring up, but I'm not going to sit here and ignore my heart's calling. I'm not going to sit here and waste my money - and my parent's money - on something I don't even want. I've already put them about $25k more in debt. And there's no way in hell I'm going to waste three and a half years of my life doing this crap when I won't even need it. I won't put myself through that stress. That exhaustion. That misery. I took my parents' advice, and it only made me unhappy.

Then again, I'm grateful for the year that I did spend at college. Why? Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have realized how wrong this path is for me. I wouldn't have discovered my true nature when I did.

So my next step? I need to sit down with my parents and express my feelings to them. I'm not going to be a jerk about it, but I'm going to be assertive. I need to do this before the 24th, because that's when registration for winter quarter opens for me... 

The Anemoi sure didn't break their promise. Lol.

Finny x

Seeking Answers

"Shaman Light" - by Amanda Clark

I've been lazy all day. And mopey. Almost burst into tears when eating just a few minutes ago because my dad passed by and said: "Try to look more enthusiastic. Life is good." I told him, "That's ironic," to which he replied: "Ironic or moronic?"

"Both," I said. 

I did have a highlight, though... aside from curling up with episodes of Supernatural. My brother's early Yule gift to me arrived today. The new version of Pokemon. ...Yes, I'm a Pokemon gal. Grew up with it, so it's dear to my heart. 

I did a more comprehensive reading for myself using my self-made cosmic oracle deck. Celtic spread. Asked if it's in my best interest to ditch school and follow my heart.

Present:
Wheel of Vision. A focus on the third eye region and its related gifts. Inner sight, self-reflection, looking within. This is fairly accurate, since I've been doing some soul-searching regarding this matter. Visualizing and whatnot.

Immediate Challenge:
The Golden Wings. Seeing from a higher perspective, or soaring spiritually. This makes sense, too. The former is more applicable to this scenario - I can see why it may be a challenge to view things from a higher perspective. I'll have to figure out what the pros and cons of my decision will be and so on. 

Distant Past: (6 mo. +)
Art of Logic. Hahaha. This is SO true. This is referring to my initial decision to attend art school. It was quite simply a decision based on practicality, realism, and logic. "What's the most logical choice?" School, of course. I had a skill I wanted to improve, and I wasn't quite ready to hop right into the working industry, so school it was.

Recent Past: (3 mo. +)
The Star Keeper. This pertains to ambitions, goals, and dreams of the heart. Also quite accurate, since this is around the time when everything started changing, and I felt more inclined than ever to follow my dreams and ditch my old path. 

Best Outcome:
Divine Feminine. I found this interesting. But what does the divine feminine entail? Creation. Creativity/fertility. Emotion. So this is a positive sign.

Immediate Future:
Wheel of Empowerment. I was kind of happy to see this, because this suggests that in the near future, I'll feel empowered enough to take charge of my life and take the steps necessary to manifest my desires.

Factors Affecting Situation:
Divination. Seeking truth or answers, or exploring the unseen. These are my inner feelings. And since this doesn't contrast with the first card (actually, it complements it pretty well), this suggests that I'm actually on the right path. But hey, it's accurate enough on its own, too. Obviously I'm seeking answers, and I'm definitely exploring the unseen (in general, but also when it comes to manifestation). 

External Influences:
Divine Wisdom. These are forces I can't control which will affect the outcome of my situation. In this case, divine counsel, advice, and enlightenment. This is good. I have powerful forces working behind me.

Hopes and Fears:
Celestial Fate. Kind of speaks for itself, although it doesn't do a good job clearly defining my hopes/fears. I mean, yeah, I believe in "half-fate," but that doesn't have that much to do with my situation... or does it? My clarification card was Divine Guidance. Signs, messages, synchronicity, and other general guidance. Well, that's not too revealing. Of course I'm seeking signs. Oh, whatever. 

Final Outcome:
Goddess of Water. Also interesting. This card is all about purification, cleansing, and healing, but also pertains to emotion or even the essence of life. My clarification cards were Divine Summer and Inner Silence. The former is a lovely indicator of contentment, relaxation, entertainment, rest, joy, and warmth. The latter relates to meditation, contemplation, and listening to the voice within. 

I also asked my Greek oracle deck, in which I got symbolism for rash action, fraud/deceit, light, and (which hopped out of the deck) hope and expectation. But to be honest, I don't resonate with these pickings because I don't resonate much with that deck anymore. So I think I'll just ditch those. 

I've been receiving various other signs, as well. On tumblr, someone posted a spell for "new beginnings." Maybe that's also what Lucifer's "presence" represents - new light. The morning star which rises at dawn, to indicate the beginnings of a new day. Then, of course, there's Lulu, who's paralleling me, and a surplus of other inspiring quotes pertaining to manifestation. 

So I guess now it's just a matter of weighing the pros and cons, and then finally sitting down to talk to my dad/parents about this. That last bit will make me nervous as hell, because this is a huge part of my life and my future, and I know it's going to be hard for them to accept. But I have to do this. I want to be happy. And I won't be happy if I waste three or three and a half more years - and $100k - just to follow my parents' practical advice. 

Finny x