Rise of the Destroyer

Wow. I feel like I have so much to talk about. Well. So much going on. And I do. Between this whole life decision thing and remembering all the tasks I need to do for school... there's a lot of energy in motion.

I've received plenty of wisdom and advice from the lovely people at SF over the past several days regarding my current predicament. After much discussing, we - well, I - came to the point where I had a bit of a revelation. People told me of their own experiences. One woman told me she dropped out of college to pursue beauty school, only to end up quite successful. Another one told me her daughter stubbornly switched to a less lucrative major, only to end up happier than ever (and I think also successful). And then, I had a dear friend tell me of her choice to quit the dull job she had been working at to write her books. At the moment, she's struggling financially, but she says she does not regret her choice. 

While all these stories and bits of advice were inspiring and uplifting, there was one specific person who really got me thinking. She said:

What I think is this = you live for your colours; colours are your life, cannot imagine life without them. Before I start = am seeing peach around you, surrounding you. Seems to be your colour that I see of you, meaning all will be good. I believe you have an old soul around you, surrounding you, protecting you = all will be good and you will succeed. I just don't see you suited to office, deadlines, late nights, you know power-heading/researching in that type of environment/energy situation. I see and have seen you working here and absolutely shining, well respected. Perhaps if you take the pressure off the enormity of the situation, you know, treat the situation as if you make these plans/ideas all the time = I feel if the decision was downplayed as such the clarity would be found. Ultimately, it is your decision to make, I just feel you would thoroughly enjoy your lifestyle if you choose the "happiness" path, this time.

All of this really added fuel to my fire. It was so comforting to hear this kind of perspective from someone else - it made me feel less crazy about wanting to avoid the cold, lifeless, corporate side of art. But I think the thing that caught my attention was what she mentioned about downplaying the situation. Rather than treat this as some big enormous life decision, treat it as though it's something I face all the time... that way, I don't feel so stressed and anxious about it. I could probably do that easily if I didn't have the realists in my life (parents) telling me what to expect out of the "real world", and how I'm being unrealistic and reckless by wanting to ditch school.

So yeah. I feel like I need to have another talk with my parents soon. I understand their concerns, but I don't want to waste my time or their money any longer. And - if I really wanted to - I could change my mind later down the road and return to school. To be honest, I can't see that happening, because I don't think I'll ever want to work in corporate art, but who knows... maybe I'll go to school for something else.

That's where Shiva comes into play.

A few days ago, the image I posted above appeared on my tumblr dash. I probably mentioned this before, but I don't see images of Shiva on my dash that often. So when that one popped up, I was magnetized. For one thing, that depiction almost perfectly matches my own image of Shiva. As I stared at it, though, I got the impression that this was like an omen of sorts - like the energy of Shiva is stirring in the background, getting ready to release the force of destruction into my life. 

I'm still expecting other references to Shiva to pop up (I always look for 3 sources minimum, unless the energy is like Leon, who loves to bombard me with imagery), but I haven't seen any. So it's almost as though I'm being told to expect this energy in the future. That illustration... it's perfect. Maybe that's also why I only needed one sign.

So that's where I'm at with this situation right now. 

As for everything else... well, it's not all that interesting. I have to make up my 8 AM Computer Art class tomorrow. I won't complain, though, because I'll be home by 11. Plus, I don't have that much stuff to do this weekend, which means: livestream. 

I've been wanting to stream for a while, but of course haven't had the time to do it with all the crap that's been going on. I'm hoping to do it on Saturday when my dad's at school so I won't be disturbed. I just can't decide whether I want to do a personal session with my interpreters or a public session. Hm.

Also, I made myself an account on Meetup, because I figured it'd be a good place to start meeting like-minded people in my area, and work on my connections to spirit. I found one group that's based on channeling guides/angels/ascended masters that is - get this - five minutes away from my house, and on my route to school. However, the organizer only has one group running right now, and it's full. Seven people. 

Already 7:30... I should probably get a few things done for tomorrow's make-up class.

Strong storms tonight. I'm excited. Unfortunately for my parents and practically one to two thirds of Georgia, it's been practically snowing pollen here (I'm being serious), so a nice soak of rain would probably be a relief for those who've been suffering. I'm grateful that I'm not one of them. 

Maha Shivaratri

This weekend is sure feeling long.

I had a dream this morning about being late for school - I wonder if that had anything to do with Daylight Savings Time. But at least now it'll be brighter when I leave school at 7:30 PM (fortunately I only have to do this for two more days). 

I pulled out my Gita deck to connect with Shiva on this day. To be honest, I'm not really feeling the Gita deck anymore. It's different from other types of decks... and somehow I don't feel like it fits Shiva anyway. My connection with Shiva is like my connection with Pierre - it's instinctive, intuitive, and doesn't require much interpretation. So I felt rather stiff selecting cards here. Maybe I'd feel more connected to a deck that was based on Shiva instead of Krishna. Hm.

...Eh. I'm looking at these cards, and I'm just not feeling them. My intuition says it isn't right. So I'll forget the mini-reading and instead just focus on the medi session I'm having with him tonight before bed - meditation is when I can best feel him. He hasn't been around much, so I'm guessing there's nothing in my life that needs to be destroyed at the moment. I suppose that's good news? 

Gita. I bought those cards because I loved the art on them. I really do enjoy Hindu art - or any religious art, for that matter - so to be able to have so many illustrations for $10 was a blessing in my eyes. Unfortunately, the cards don't work that well for readings. Although they're referred to as divination cards, they're more like wisdom cards, or cards meant to highlight various "wise" quotes from the Bhagavad Gita. 

I might stop doing readings with them, because the only thing I really like about them is their art. 

In other news, it appears that my godfather is staying with us until the 20th (Ostara). I was a bit disappointed to hear this, because that means I only get 4 or so days truly to myself before another ten weeks of school. But once again, I remind myself that it's not a bad situation at all. I love my godfather, and I'm glad he's here to get away from my grandfather - he deserves the break. 

I've been busy this weekend. I finished that illustrated doll, prepared binders for critique, and did 15 sketchbook pages. I actually have 5 more to do, plus a whole other final, but I have a workday for that final tomorrow, and I tend to work quickly, so I'll probably do most of it at school and finish it up on Tuesday. 

Today, I have to finish that sketchbook assignment, do a powerpoint for a presentation on Wednesday, and study for a 20th century exam. I should probably get on that, so I can spend the rest of my day chilling.   

Happy Maha Shivaratri!

Shivoham

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

I had a brief cry yesterday - a release from all the crap that I tend to bury over several months. My mood began to go downhill after my professor told me at critique that my comp was too rough; I spent the remainder of class listening to the GW2 soundtrack and preparing my illustration board for the final project. I actually had a student in my class ask me why I looked so sad; of course, I just shrugged it off with a smile and told him it was nothing.

On my drive home last night, I tried to uplift myself again. I sang along to one of my favorite radio songs (I'm not fond of many) and appreciated the quiet darkness of night like I always do (I actually enjoy night driving for that reason - I feel like I'm tucked away from the world). But my trigger occurred when it took me multiple attempts to back into the garage correctly. I kept getting too close to the wall or to my mom's car. I blame the garage remote... but the frustration associated with this set my trigger, and when I stepped inside, my mom asked me what was wrong. I told her I was glad to be home... and then I could feel the tears begin to form, so I hurried into the privacy of the shower before my parents could realize I was about to cry.

Today, I feel beaten. I woke up at 8 as opposed to 7, which I've been doing for the past several mornings. I had a strange dream that involved a moa-like bird in our neighborhood... I had witnessed this bird eat a squirrel. Saw the blood gush and everything. I don't have the energy or motivation to try and figure out what this one means... nor do I have the motivation to figure out what yesterday morning's dream meant (two meteors falling on Louisiana).

A brief diversion, here, since I'm on topic: the Russian meteor. I'm frankly astonished at the lack of publicity behind this event. I only saw 2-3 other people besides myself even mention it. Is that because it happened in Russia? I get the feeling that things would've been a lot different had the meteor landed in the west. The U.S. or western Europe or something. Yet... I'm still oddly fascinated by this event. Hence why I dreamed about it, I suppose.

But back to my first topic... I feel bruised and beaten - sapped of energy. I'm grateful that I don't really have anything to do today other than begin acquiring sources for the 5-6 page research paper I have due on the 27th. My body aches in several places, I'm tired, the backs of my hands are dry and cracking to the point of pain, and my mood - well, we're back to square one for the moment.

I had a sentimental moment this morning, though, when I was on tumblr, scrolling through only to find an image of Shiva sitting on my dashboard. I don't see Shiva all that often on my dash, so I was caught by surprise. It seemed so fitting... as though that's his way of reminding me that his energy is still around, even if I don't actively search for it anymore. There was something about this image that kept pulling me in. I'd scroll down, but scroll up to look at him again. Like a flicker of connection or meaning. 

It's too early to tell whether this is just him saying, "I'm here - don't forget that," or that he's suggesting something in my life is soon to be destroyed. I'll have to keep an eye on things. Maha Shivratri (or Shivaratri) is coming up soon... I need to remember that, because I'd like to have a medi session with him that night. Maybe that's part of the reason he showed up - because if he hadn't, I wouldn't have thought of him, and that wouldn't have led me to remind myself when Maha Shivratri is. Hm.

All in due time, I guess.

The more I sit in school and listen to what they're preparing me for, the more miserable I become. Despite how much I think: "I won't be a part of this; I'm here to develop my own skill for my own personal reasons," the stress still eventually gets to me, as noted by yesterday's release. I dream of living out in nature, with flora and fauna as my best friends. Of tending a garden and living amongst people who are truly interested in me. Of separating myself from this horrible system. Of being free to produce whatever art and writing I like without having to worry about whether it's good enough. 

That probably explains my lack of creativity. I think about so many lovely stories, but in my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it's already been done, or that I won't be able to write it properly, or that it won't be interesting enough.

I feel like I'm in a maelstrom. Going round and round, practically drowning. Unable to claw my way out of this dark and miserable vortex. I don't think I'll be truly happy until the end of May comes around - when summer break is here, and the only thing I have to worry about is preparing to live on my own. 

I'm a broken record. I realize that. But I need to express these feelings, and writing is how I do it best.  

Shiva, I could use your help, if the time's right.

11/11/12

New starts are always nice.

I might as well mention again - I moved to a fresh account because I'm beginning to make gradual progress toward my ambitions, and in order to keep up my end, I need to be proactive. So I thought it'd be best to keep all of "my business" on my own account.

Why Tea Time with Shiva? 

Well, my two regular readers know that I resonate very strongly with Shiva and what he represents. He's a a very significant guiding force in my life.

And, well, the name kind of popped into my head when I was thinking of names. At first it was something like "Coffee with Shiva," but I don't drink coffee... so "Tea Time with Shiva" came next. I thought it was very fitting; I like to think of my journey as lighthearted and carefree - relaxing. So I think a cute title like this one suits me and this blog.

And speaking of Shiva, his energy is coming back into my life. I'm feeling drawn to work with him again in meditation, so that's what I did last night before bed - specifically after I realized how much I was thinking about things. I listened to his mantra and focused on my breathing, and also touched a bit on kundalini by saturating the crown in light. It was a pretty lovely experience, despite my poor stomach suffering from the aftereffects of ingesting too much salt and butter (popcorn I had eaten a few hours earlier)... 

But I remind myself: the first time I had a "Shiva kick" was around the time when my truth began dissolving. Now that I'm having another, I wonder what he's here to "destroy" this time. I have him working to dissolve whatever energies he's dissolving, and the Lucifer energy bringing in empowerment and illumination (saw a couple of references to Luci this morning). Interesting. 

Next... back when I was buying oracle cards, I mentioned that I couldn't find a good tarot deck that was worth buying/learning. Well, uh. I was checking out Llewellyn's site - the company that publishes mind/body/spirit books, tarot decks, calendars, etc. - because I was scouting mind/body/spirit publishers for my book, if I should actually write it... and out of curiosity, I was looking through their tarot decks. 

Long story short, I now have 5 tarot decks wishlisted on Amazon:

•  Archeon Tarot. I love this imagery, although I imagine I may have to rely on actually learning the cards because the images/symbolism aren't too deep. If you clink the link, you'll see that the illustrations are very similar to my Fallen Angel oracle.. haha. It's one of the cheaper decks, at $18.
• Mona Lisa Tarot. I first skipped over this deck while browsing on Aeclectic, because I figured it was all kinda dull Mona Lisa-type illustrations, but when I saw this one on Llewellyn, I was impressed. I love the illustrations on this one, the symbolism, and the stories that the cards tell. It's also cheap, at $17.90.
• Universal Goddess Tarot. I did look at this one before, but it didn't speak so much to me until now. I enjoy the detailed illustrations, and how there's enough symbolism and a bit of story in them for me to decipher them without knowing the actual meaning of the card. This one is $20.65.
• Yoga Tarot. The bright colors on this one sold me. This deck is similar to Archeon, though, in that you can't decipher much from the illustrations, unless you know the symbolism associated with yoga. Same price as Mona Lisa. 
• Golden Botticelli Tarot. I had a fangirl moment when I saw this existed. Botticelli is my favorite Renaissance artist / one of my favorite historical artists. Deciphering might be a little tricky with some cards, though. Would have to rely on card meanings. It's $19.74.  

Pretty nifty, huh? I think as far as efficiency goes, the Mona Lisa deck might be the best first choice, because I can resonate with the illustrations and what they might be suggesting. To be honest, even though I love Botticelli, I think his deck might be the one I resonate with least. But the others... I think that even though there's not much "story" to the cards, I can still tune in to the energy of the card and rely on intuition to determine what it's saying to me. 

So yeah. I'll probably pick one of these decks as part of a gift to myself. But I'm being warned to conserve my cash, so I probably shouldn't splurge as much at P&D when I go on Friday - just get the stuff I want most. That'll probably just be a Shiva statue and a calendar. 

Whew. I'm 98% done with my storyboarding final; I just have to add the script for each image, which my professor is going to show us how to do tomorrow. I hope he doesn't ask me to fix much - or anything - because I'm just so done with that project... plus, I have to work on my stuff for illustration. Today I've gotta finish that perspective drawing and make progress on my self-portrait. 

Off I go then.

Evaah 

The Destroyer

So I've been re-watching Supernatural in honor of the new season premiere, and while watching the "Hell House" episode, I realized how much one of Sam's lines resonated with my current perspective: 

"Kinda makes you wonder: out of all the things we've hunted, how many of them existed just because someone believed in them?"

Of course, I'm now under the impression that this applies to the whole bloody universe. I find it interesting how people regard certain spiritual truths as "general knowledge." Not just in religions, but in spirituality, as well... like common ideas about guides, past lives, Akashic Records, twinflames, auras and chakras, and so on. "General knowledge" forms after one person convinces another that something is truth. Usually, the other person will accept it under three conditions: 1.) fear is involved; 2.) the other person is ignorant and can't judge for him/herself; and 3.) the idea actually resonates with him/her.

But my point is, I really do think that everything we experience is a result of belief. If we believe we're successful, then we are. If we believe in spirit guides, then we'll have them. If we believe we have past lives, then we'll have the stories to tell.

However, now I wonder: how much of this is pre-planned, and how much is created on spot? This post was inspired by a response by my lovely friend Trieah, who gave me an answer regarding my Shiva experiences that made perfect sense. I quote:

"If Shiva's the 'destroyer' of creation to make something new, then what you went through makes perfect sense. The build-up over the past two and a half years needed to reach the climax in this part of your life so that it could be destroyed and turned into something new. Your whole outlook has changed, and that was the point. You, as Shiva, have destroyed all your old beliefs, so that you could progress and become something new. But none of that could've happened without all that information leading up to what needed to be done."

I felt like I was just punched in the face (in a good way). Why didn't I think of that before? It all made perfect sense. But now... now I really do wonder if everything in our life is created by us, or if there's still something pre-planned holding us on course. When I look back on the last two and a half years, I'd say it was about half and half. Maybe even more pre-planned, because of all these little synchronicities. Hell, this summer is the perfect example. I didn't ask to find out about a life on another planet. I didn't ask for a "soul sister" who would mirror me in such a way. And I sure as hell didn't ask for a beloved guide of mine to be revealed as Shiva. And yet I can see all the threads that hold these events together, all waiting for the perfect time to reveal themselves. 

Many people I've talked to on SF don't resonate with the idea of their lives being pre-planned, yet there are still others who are relatively comfortable with it, because they enjoy the feeling of "surrendering to God." I think I fit somewhere in the middle. I don't want my life to be entirely pre-planned, but at the same time, I'm comfortable with it if it is, because I'm seeing from a higher perspective. This skin means very little to me now. That's not to say I don't cherish or value my life; I mean that when it's all said and done, I'm much more expansive than this measly little skin. 

Ah. Hahaha. Adonai's poking my brains again. Balance, it says. I should've guessed. Half of it is our creation, half consists of "guidelines." A loose sketch of what we generally want from each life. Resonates with me. Really fits with its "game" metaphor too... in the beginning, we decide on what type of "character" this particular face will be: give it a look, traits, interests, a general story... and then we throw ourselves into the game and plow through on our own power, fighting bosses and discovering information about ourselves that we weren't aware of.

I like that.
It's really cool to see how it all lines up, though. Without "Spike," I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today. Without Medium Laura and that kind older woman from SF, I wouldn't have figured out information about "Spike" that would contribute to my current understanding. Without the Eron life, I wouldn't have experimented with my own power as much - nor would I have inspiration for my writing. Without Lulu's orbit in my life, I wouldn't have faced my ego problems. Without J, I wouldn't have accepted Shiva being Spike so easily. Without any of the crap that happened in the past several weeks, I wouldn't be at this current vibration. 

"Timing" was a very common and important theme during August. Lulu knows this well, too. It seemed like every question we had was answered with: "it's not the right time." So with that in mind, it's clear that some amount ("half") of our lives are pre-planned. But the thing is, I don't necessarily see it as "pre-planned," because if you take away identity (which I've pretty much done already), you over-stand yourself as Adonai, and suddenly, it's not a big deal if you pre-plan a life, because there's so much more to the universe than a measly Earth life. And no, that's not supposed to be pessimistic. I'm not taking my life for granted here, guys. I'm just saying that I no longer see myself as simply "Finny," so... this skin doesn't mean so much to me anymore. I'm everyone and everything.

I'm sure someone out there is thinking that this is bull, but I don't care. I don't care because I am you, who has his/her own vibration and truth, which I think is beautiful. So yes, as you, I agree that it's bull. But "you" think it's bull because it doesn't suit your vibration. And that's perfectly okay.

With all this in mind, I have to say I love Trieah's perspective... I already mentioned that Shiva is the face of myself that I resonate with most (so far?), and now it makes perfect sense why he's a prominent figure in my life. Remember when he popped up just a couple weeks before everything went in the trash? Yup. He was destroying my old beliefs so that, from those ashes, this new perspective was born. And as Trieah pointed out, this is the "full circle." You never restart at zero, but once you complete a "revolution" in your current perspective, the old perspective is "destroyed," and from those energies, a new one is born.

My god, it all makes sense now. And it's bloody beautiful.
So I have to give a shoutout to Trieah for putting together the final pieces of this puzzle for me.

Finny x