Starvation

"Silent One" - by Laura Sava

Funny how quickly one's mood can shift.. in a matter of a couple hours, I've gone from generally uplifted to completely miserable. 

I feel so damned hopeless. I just read a woman's thread on SF; she lost her job and is now homeless. She did want out of that job (she referred to it as a "hellhole"), but found herself in a shelter, trying to seek out work.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine in class yesterday. We talked about my situation and how it would be so cool to travel the world and live day-by-day, helping people out for enough cash to eat and have a place to sleep/wash, seeing all sorts of new and interesting sights... being out in nature. And what's funny is that my dad suggested this sort of thing to my brother back when he was taking his year off - backpacking through Europe. 

I hate living in the future. Even though I love thinking about the possibilities of where I could be, it's bloody painful. The only time when I really feel like I'm living in the present is when I'm playing GW2.

Guild Wars. It's a fantastic game of its own accord, but it hits especially close to home for me, because there's so much to it that echoes my heart's desires. Going around, seeing beautiful sights, helping others, living day-by-day... It's why I play it so often, and why I'm so obsessed with it. Not only is it an escape from reality, it's a representation of the way I want to live.

My fears have gotten in the way of my adventurous nature. But no matter what society and my parents may say, I just can't see myself living like everyone else. 

I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I'm at war with myself: part of me just wants to give up, because I see the future and think, "This is pointless," but my stubborn side says, "Hell no, we're not giving up." And now I'm in this awful state of limbo where I linger between depression and anticipation, starvation and hope of abundance, of happiness. 

I'm growing tired. I'm starving for life, for adventure, but I'm receiving nothing but fillers and preservatives. I'm getting sick of fighting this war. I thought I was on to something... that I was on the right path, and that I would be successful, but is that naive to think? Probably. I don't know anymore. 

My natal chart suggests in more than one place that my "job" would have me moving house quite often. It reminds me of something I learned in Italian Renaissance yesterday... where this one artist would travel from city to city looking for new commission work. Could I live the same way?

I say I want to be a spirit artist, a teacher, a writer, a general artist.. but the truth is, I just don't feel confident. I look at my work and think, "Who would buy this?" I despair over my level of psychic skill. I still obsess over style. 

Is it the area where I live? Would I be happier living somewhere else? After all, it's hard to find like-minded people in my area. But I can't live somewhere else unless I have the money to do so, or at least a roommate. 

Friends... I feel like I'm a passerby in everyone's life. Either that, or I'm a last resort. I just feel like I'm so out there that I struggle with making friends. Who is even interested in me as an individual? I know a few people would say it, and I'm certainly not fishing for compliments here... especially since I'm serious about this. I'm very observant when it comes to how people converse with me, and... oh, forget it. There's no point. 

There's no point to anything, it seems.

So where does this leave me? I don't know. But it looks like I may not need time off to try this whole spirit art path.. instead, I need time off to explore myself and live. 

I hope to Adonai my parents can understand that.   

The Language of Embers

by hoooook @ deviantART

Had a bit of an emotionally turbulent day. Nothing too drastic, but my mood definitely came in swings... I'm unsure whether the moon has anything to do with it. Probably amplified things a bit.

I started out the day feeling pretty good (it's hard to not feel excited on your last day of class before a 4-day weekend), but toward the middle of the day, as my professors lectured and reminded me how awful life is in the 21st century, I began to feel low again. I was at my lowest point - on the verge of tears - during my midterm conference with my illustration professor. He asked me where I saw myself in 3-5 years, and I twisted the truth a bit: I told him I wasn't interested in corporate illustration and that I would prefer more freelance type stuff. I also told him about my plan to take time off from school... and toward the end of our conversation, I began to tear up, because he brought up the whole "we're going to miss you" thing, and I just felt so vulnerable, because I can't express what I really want to do and how much it means to me. 

By the way - I doubt people in that school would miss me. I can only think of one person who's legitimately interested in who I am as an individual, which is fitting because she's the most interesting and lovable person I've met during my time there. Everyone else... they just use me as a source of information or supplies, or talk to me when there's no one else to talk to. I just can't connect with these people.

I'm also disappointed because I heard back from both P&D and TR. I emailed them asking about employment opportunities. The owner of TR gave me a short: "We have no opportunities at this time," while a kind lady at P&D - the same one who replied back to me before - said that while there were no opportunities available in the foreseeable future, she would be happy to put my information in their "employment file." I don't know whether she'll actually do this, though. 

So I'm getting a little antsy. I doubt things will change over the next month, but I'm crossing my fingers. There's only one other metaphysical shop that's relatively in my area, but it's much farther than I'm willing to drive. I'm a bit at a loss now. I don't know what else I could do that would satisfy both me and my dad.

Speaking of which... I remembered something very important and relevant to this whole "life decisions" thing. In fact, I'm surprised I didn't remember this, which is why I wonder if "someone" dropped this into my head. It came out of nowhere.

See, when my brother graduated high school (he was a year ahead of me), my parents let him take a year off to figure out what he was going to do, because he had no clue. And guess what? He slacked. He got to sleep in, play video games, stay up late, and whatever else he wanted to do for an entire year, without having to work. Eventually, he decided on going into the military.

I never got a year off. My parents may have offered me the opportunity when I graduated, too, but at the time, I was more concerned with just starting art school so I could get it over with sooner. I was also eager to have a close friend with me so that the experience of college wouldn't be so scary... and my friend wasn't going to wait around for a year.

So I feel like it's extremely unfair that my brother was able to take a year off to do absolutely nothing, while I'm sitting here asking to start making money, to start working on my dreams and my ideal future. Asking to get involved with like-minded people. So it's not stable income. Who cares? Just like any other career, I have to start somewhere.

I will definitely be bringing this up the next time this subject comes around. Thank you to whoever reminded me about that "year off." I can't believe I'd forgotten. Probably because my parents smother me with how responsible and mature my brother has become, living on his own and whatnot. 

All in all, I'm ticked. And vulnerable. And moody. Things improved as the day went by, though. I got a 90 on my Italian Renaissance exam and got to come home 30 minutes early in beautiful weather and much less traffic. 

Thank Adonai I have a stubborn nature. I may be sensitive, but I'm determined to have things my way.

I was going to elaborate on my thoughts about Source, but I'll do that later. I do want to mention something, though: while I was browsing SF, a thread titled "Ways of Receiving Information from Higher Self" caught my attention, and I hovered over it to read the first line, which said: "I have been watching many videos lately by Teal Scott...."

If that's not a big fat sign, I don't know what is. I'm glad to see I'm going in the right direction. I think I need to start watching more Teal Scott videos again...

Oh - and I also want to mention that I need to work on trust and faith when it comes to my skills. I feel... unskilled because I can't pick up really fancy and specific things about people like most other intuitives and psychics can. I seek clarity with my readings. But after a conversation with Jen and having her get me to tune into a "spirit phone call" (the pressure changes, etc. I often get in my left ear), I realize that I need to trust what comes through a lot more.

That's why I'm eager for that channeling group. I'm looking for other psychic development groups or classes but I can't find any that suit me (good vibes and not too expensive). 

I'll get there, though. I just need to practice, practice, practice, and trust. 

This is War

"Ares" - by Laura Sava

A bit of an exaggerated title, but it does kind of reflect my mood at the moment.

I have two main things to jot down here: a conversation I had with my mom an hour ago, and a revelation I had while sitting in Italian Renaissance. 

First, the conversation. I accidentally triggered my mom into a rant by telling her how I was frustrated with the next project I have to do for illustration (it has to be on a wood panel, and unless I can find what I need in an art supply store, I'm going to have to use our woodshop at school, which requires certification, and certification takes like 2-3 hours, normally on a Friday, which I don't really want to do). I made the mistake of saying, "I wish I could quit now," which lead to mom once again busting out the "concerned parent" routine (made quite humorous because she was chomping on celery) and a handful of hurtful accusations along with it. 

Now, I've heard this crap a few times now, so she was all but a broken record to me. However, she did throw in a new grenade: for some reason, she thinks I'm just going to sit around the house all day and play computer games once I'm off from school. In fact, she said this three times. You would think this isn't that hurtful, but it is. Why? Because my own parent is basically suggesting that I'm not responsible or mature enough to participate in "adult life."

I was very tempted to counter her, but I knew it'd be a bad idea if I did. Plus, I'd just gotten home from school, and was standing there, hungry, with my school crap in my hands, listening to the same old "worried mother" rant that I've heard three or four times in the past few months. So instead, I waited politely until she seemed mostly finished, announced, "I'm hungry," and went upstairs.

I also found out from this (primarily one-sided) conversation that my brother has complained to my mother several times in the recent past about how it's unfair that our parents are giving me free stuff, etc. Based on conversations I've had with him in the past, I didn't think he took that crap so seriously. But I guess he does. Never mind the fact that my parents have given him plenty. Never mind the fact that they treat him better than me. No. I get a free laptop and a new bed (for guinea pig reasons) and he gets pissy. 

Whatever.

But by Adonai, I detest being compared to my brother. I'm my own person. It's so freaking obnoxious to hear my parents bring him up every time we have a conversation about my future. So my brother adapted well to living by himself. Great! But I'm not my brother! He got himself a nice secure job with benefits? Well, good for him. I'm still not my brother. (And he doesn't like his job anyway.) 

I was hoping that my parents would support my being adventurous, of finding what I really, really enjoy and helping me toward that goal instead of crushing it into crumbs and calling it unrealistic. I guess I can't blame them, since I still haven't told them what it is I want to do. But see, now I don't want to, because even if I explain my general plan to them, they'll criticize it and still call it unrealistic. 

Twenty freaking years old and my parents are still telling me what to do.

But I had a mini revelation just as I was about to start this post: I really need to stop taking this so seriously. Getting stressed over this decision will not help me at all. I have time. Even if it turns out that I'm inactive at school for 5 quarters and end up losing my credits, it's not the end of the world. If the day comes that I want to return to school, then I'll do it. Does it seem likely? No. But I won't speak for the future, and I certainly won't fret about it. The future's not here yet. 

Speaking of revelations, this brings me to my second topic: a revelation I had while sitting in class listening to a lecture. I was thinking about Adonai - the name I give to Source - and Adonai, the soul family. I feel like I'm part of this soul family (or "perspective family," as I like to call it), and Jen confirmed that, but it got me wondering about "Source." What if there is no "ultimate truth" or "ultimate perspective" at all? I say I channel Source, and so do many others, but are we truly channeling the Source energy, or are we channeling something else, such as our Source aspect? 

I wonder about this because those who channel Source or God or Universe never channel the same information. Some bits might be similar, or hold a similar vibration, but they still say different things, and provide different perspectives that are filtered through the channel. It makes me wonder if what we know as "Source" isn't a single unified "being" (for lack of a better word) conscious of an "ultimate truth," but instead, an ocean whose infinite droplets allow it to see all sorts of perspectives on existence... Maybe all those infinite truths are its "ultimate truth." Maybe its ultimate truth is just as simple as existence.

When you think about it, all Source knows is that it exists. It's an infinite form of creative energy, and in order to realize who or what it is - in order to actualize its existence - it takes on countless perspectives. We romanticize spirit by envisioning it to be some fantastical heaven where loved ones meet and plan out "next lives," but essentially, all it is is Source trying to experience all it can experience so that it can fully realize itself. 

I've been contemplating my relationship with the energy I know as Adonai. Although I feel comfort in the idea of this "grand" energy being a part of everything, there are times when it just feels too big for me. I say that I try to feel myself as Source, but I can't. And you know why? Probably because I'm not supposed to. I am not a fully realized Source energy. I am an aspect of Source energy - a perspective. It's simple. That's what I am: a perspective. I don't need to embellish myself with fancy titles or contemplate all the lives I've experienced. At the root, I am a perspective, thinking itself into physical existence in order to assist the greater whole. 

With that said, perhaps our purpose is not to realize and become the one. Okay. Maybe we can realize it, but there's no point in differing perspectives if we're meant to actually "become" one. I think Source already knows that it's one - that's why it took on infinite perspectives. Plus, if we took on a perspective based on oneness, we would lose the point of our distinction. 

You can only be one if you understand and feel the many. And you know - trees are a perfect example of this. The trunk represents Source, branches represent perspective families (groups of perspectives with similar views), and leaves represent the individual perspectives. If a tree only consisted of a trunk, it would only know itself as a trunk, and would know one perspective: being a trunk. However, if it started growing branches, and leaves, it would begin to realize it's more than a trunk, and would start seeing its existence differently, because those branches would be reaching out into unfamiliar territory, at different angles. Then, when leaves grow, it has even more perspectives on its existence. It knows how those leaves react to weather, and seasons, and animals. It even sees its environment differently by honing in on each leaf. A leaf at the top of the tree would be able to see the sky with ease, but one on lower branches would see very little of the sky. 

I have a lot more to contemplate on this subject, but I wanted to get the preliminary thoughts down while they were still fresh on the mind. For now, I'd like to get some work done so I have less to do tomorrow...       

The First Obstacle

by geloko @ deviantART

The second step has been taken in this whole life change situation.

Yesterday morning, while I was nibbling a bagel in the kitchen, my dad came out and announced that "for my own good," he'll be forcing me to experience being an "employee."

Okay. I get what he's trying to do - he's getting me to be responsible and whatnot, but pardon my French: this is bullshit. 

I feel like a child. According to him, I can't just be making money doing what I like, even if it turns out to be something lucrative. He says I can't be "house-sitting," and that he's trying to get me to see the world from a realistic perspective.

You know how that feels? I mean, I get his concern: he's a parent, and he wants his child to be financially secure. But this is freaking ridiculous. He's basically saying that I can't be free to just make whatever money I can. No, it has to be the whole "employment" package.

He did say, though, that he wouldn't mind if I found a "secure" job that relates to what I really want to do. He kind of actually encouraged it. And you know, I could totally do that. But I have one big problem: unless the universe has my back, that's going to be quite difficult to accomplish. There are only two metaphysical shops that are a reasonable distance from my house: P&D, which is the farthest, and TR, which is like ten minutes down the road.

These types of establishments don't really "hire." They're personally owned and usually consist of employees that are part of a tight circle. So I'm kind of stuck. If I have to work a "secure" job, I'd much prefer it be a metaphysical shop. At least in the meantime.

I did some research yesterday and found out two interesting things about TR. One, they're only open 5 days of the week. Two, they only have six readers, as opposed to P&D's twelve. 

I'm not sure if it'd be presumptuous or rude to inquire about employment opportunities at these two establishments. I feel like it would be. But if it's not, I feel like I'd have a better chance at TR, since they're smaller.

Ugh. I'm a bit frustrated. Actually, a lot frustrated. Deep down, I anticipated this happening, where my dad would pull the "Father Realist" card and crush the path I'd been looking forward to after getting out of school. I kind of wish I had a decent amount of money so I could run off and do my own thing anyway, but I do admit that that would be a stupid move.

Damn. Dad got me. He got what he wanted all along: for me to immerse myself in "the real world" by committing to a job I probably won't like and having to do what I love "on the side." While I appreciate his sentiments, I don't appreciate being treated as though I'm naive and immature just because I have an idealistic view on life. It's not my problem that people are miserable because they're realists. But for Adonai's sake: don't drag me down with you because you say that's how the "real world" works. Sure, for you, it does. But not for me. 

So this puts me in quite the predicament. Dad has instructed me to be considering jobs while I finish the last several weeks of this quarter. I don't know if I should be courageous and try asking P&D and TR about possible employment opportunities. I'm unsure if my dad would be satisfied with me applying as a reader to one of these establishments, because it doesn't quite fit with his idea of "stable income."  He'd probably decline.

All in all, I'm a bit in panic mode right now. Metaphysical shops are the only places I'd be willing to work... hell, I could be answering phones all day. I just don't want to end up in crappy retail or similar places.

I refuse to let this overwhelm me. I WILL get what I want. No obstructive rational father will prevent me from achieving my future. 

For Blood Legion!      

Rise of the Destroyer

Wow. I feel like I have so much to talk about. Well. So much going on. And I do. Between this whole life decision thing and remembering all the tasks I need to do for school... there's a lot of energy in motion.

I've received plenty of wisdom and advice from the lovely people at SF over the past several days regarding my current predicament. After much discussing, we - well, I - came to the point where I had a bit of a revelation. People told me of their own experiences. One woman told me she dropped out of college to pursue beauty school, only to end up quite successful. Another one told me her daughter stubbornly switched to a less lucrative major, only to end up happier than ever (and I think also successful). And then, I had a dear friend tell me of her choice to quit the dull job she had been working at to write her books. At the moment, she's struggling financially, but she says she does not regret her choice. 

While all these stories and bits of advice were inspiring and uplifting, there was one specific person who really got me thinking. She said:

What I think is this = you live for your colours; colours are your life, cannot imagine life without them. Before I start = am seeing peach around you, surrounding you. Seems to be your colour that I see of you, meaning all will be good. I believe you have an old soul around you, surrounding you, protecting you = all will be good and you will succeed. I just don't see you suited to office, deadlines, late nights, you know power-heading/researching in that type of environment/energy situation. I see and have seen you working here and absolutely shining, well respected. Perhaps if you take the pressure off the enormity of the situation, you know, treat the situation as if you make these plans/ideas all the time = I feel if the decision was downplayed as such the clarity would be found. Ultimately, it is your decision to make, I just feel you would thoroughly enjoy your lifestyle if you choose the "happiness" path, this time.

All of this really added fuel to my fire. It was so comforting to hear this kind of perspective from someone else - it made me feel less crazy about wanting to avoid the cold, lifeless, corporate side of art. But I think the thing that caught my attention was what she mentioned about downplaying the situation. Rather than treat this as some big enormous life decision, treat it as though it's something I face all the time... that way, I don't feel so stressed and anxious about it. I could probably do that easily if I didn't have the realists in my life (parents) telling me what to expect out of the "real world", and how I'm being unrealistic and reckless by wanting to ditch school.

So yeah. I feel like I need to have another talk with my parents soon. I understand their concerns, but I don't want to waste my time or their money any longer. And - if I really wanted to - I could change my mind later down the road and return to school. To be honest, I can't see that happening, because I don't think I'll ever want to work in corporate art, but who knows... maybe I'll go to school for something else.

That's where Shiva comes into play.

A few days ago, the image I posted above appeared on my tumblr dash. I probably mentioned this before, but I don't see images of Shiva on my dash that often. So when that one popped up, I was magnetized. For one thing, that depiction almost perfectly matches my own image of Shiva. As I stared at it, though, I got the impression that this was like an omen of sorts - like the energy of Shiva is stirring in the background, getting ready to release the force of destruction into my life. 

I'm still expecting other references to Shiva to pop up (I always look for 3 sources minimum, unless the energy is like Leon, who loves to bombard me with imagery), but I haven't seen any. So it's almost as though I'm being told to expect this energy in the future. That illustration... it's perfect. Maybe that's also why I only needed one sign.

So that's where I'm at with this situation right now. 

As for everything else... well, it's not all that interesting. I have to make up my 8 AM Computer Art class tomorrow. I won't complain, though, because I'll be home by 11. Plus, I don't have that much stuff to do this weekend, which means: livestream. 

I've been wanting to stream for a while, but of course haven't had the time to do it with all the crap that's been going on. I'm hoping to do it on Saturday when my dad's at school so I won't be disturbed. I just can't decide whether I want to do a personal session with my interpreters or a public session. Hm.

Also, I made myself an account on Meetup, because I figured it'd be a good place to start meeting like-minded people in my area, and work on my connections to spirit. I found one group that's based on channeling guides/angels/ascended masters that is - get this - five minutes away from my house, and on my route to school. However, the organizer only has one group running right now, and it's full. Seven people. 

Already 7:30... I should probably get a few things done for tomorrow's make-up class.

Strong storms tonight. I'm excited. Unfortunately for my parents and practically one to two thirds of Georgia, it's been practically snowing pollen here (I'm being serious), so a nice soak of rain would probably be a relief for those who've been suffering. I'm grateful that I'm not one of them. 

Day Becomes Night

by clowneee @ deviantART

The frustrations and fear are already building up. It's hard to not be fearful when you know that your future will be based on other people expressing interest in your work. Even though I have support from many in the area of spirit art, most - if not all - of this support comes from SF, and you can't advertise on SF, so it's not like I can go on there and be like: "Hey guys, come over to this site and pay me for an actual reading this time" (although a good handful did say they wanted to...). 

My parents aren't helping. I'm feeling ever more frustrated with school, and meanwhile, my dad's talking about the future as though I'm still going to be in school. We haven't yet talked about the whole break thing - I'm not even sure when that'll happen. 

I suppose this is just part of the whole experience. I can't expect an easy transition - there has to be difficulty to face to make it worthwhile. I just wish I had something else besides gut feelings to tell me that I really should do this. I was actually planning on getting a professional reading, but I have yet to find someone who (A) is reasonable in price for an art student and (B) who doesn't inconvenience me somehow if he/she is.

I don't know. I guess I'm just intimidated, which is to be expected. Going this route - even if temporarily - will be a learning curve. If I start making money, I'm pretty sure that means taxes are involved, and I know nothing about how taxes work. In fact, there are probably other things about finances or earning income that I'm not aware of. I'm not sure if a commission-based reading system is considered a "business" that I have to register, either. So yeah. It's daunting. I have research to do, but I don't even know where to begin, because I literally have no idea. 

It seems my parents' way of "training" me to live alone is to throw me into the deep end of the pool - kind of like my computer art professor. Anytime I ask a question, they just tell me to research it myself. Just last night I found out that my dad wants me to go do the smog check on Hans while I'm out at the dentist today, but he wants me to get it done at one of the shadiest places in the neighborhood. As much as I'd like to trust people... by Adonai, that place gives me bad vibes. I've seen 5 cops there at one point, and a lot of dudes just... hanging around. I'm sure it's a good idea to send a young, clueless woman with a nice BMW to one of the shadiest emissions joints in the neighborhood...

Speaking of dentist... ugh. I don't want to go. If it were closer, I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all the way in my old county, which is like a 30-40 minute drive on two of the most frustrating highways in the area. This is the first time I have to go alone. And after almost getting hit on my way back from that old county (a couple months ago), I'm a little... yeah. 

Oh, man. This sucks. My head is now filled with all sorts of thoughts - from ones filled with doubt to ones looking for compromise. Part of me is trying to decide whether I should go with the logical approach and hope to find that "secure" job (which makes me nauseated just thinking about it), or just put all my faith into the mix of things that I'd like to do and be happy despite the time it may take to earn a decent income. I've been thinking of ways I could network or make connections with people who've had success in my area, but my shyness and my reluctance to "bother" these people have been holding me back. There's a relevant Teal Scott quote that comes to mind:

Both fear and faith demand that you believe in something that you cannot see. You cannot see it, because it does not yet exist. And so the question to ask yourself is: what do I want to believe in? The worst case scenario, or the best? 

I really like to believe this is true. It resonates so deeply. Do I really take that leap of faith? In my perspective, I can either experience challenges on a path that makes me happy, or experience suffering on a path that I can't guarantee how long will last. 

And one of the worst parts of this situation... I feel like I'm being rushed into deciding. One may say you have all the time in the world, and maybe that's true, but you run the risk of inconveniencing others. That's part of why I'm afraid to talk to my parents - because I feel like I'd be inconveniencing them with my plan - I'm afraid that it'll clash with their own plans of living overseas, etc. The point is: I need their help. I need them to give me a foundation. They can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim when I've never swam before. That's like teaching algebra to a baby who doesn't know anything about numbers. 

It stings a little, because I remember them praising my brother highly for living alone and "getting his shit done" - in other words, they were praising him for being able to manage without much help from them. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely clueless, and even more frustrated because my brother somehow found a way to make it work, even though I'm sure our parents didn't teach him all that much (unless I'm missing something). 

But I'm just venting now. Tl;dr I'm scared, doubtful, and frustrated, and am looking for a solid answer. However, I get the feeling I won't ever get one... because that's the first challenge, it seems.

Better go get some work done...  

Withstand

"Withstand" - by anotherwanderer @ deviantART

Another brief post.

I actually had no intention of writing today; there was really nothing to report until just a half hour ago when my dad was about to leave for work. I've been asking him about printers because the ones we have are old. I want a wide-format one that also scans, but he wants a laser one for the quality. The one I'm looking at isn't laser, but it works. So he asked me to look at laser ones, and as I was doing that this morning, we came to a point in our brief conversation where my dad said: "I don't know what your needs are" - meaning school. He asked whether I had intentions of staying in school and I told him that I guess I would just finish to get it over with. But he said in a nutshell that if I'm going to finish school, I'm going to have to look for employment opportunities relating to my schooling. That caught me off guard. It makes me wonder: what would he do if I didn't obey him? My plans were to finish school to make my parents happy (and improve my technical skills in the process), but then head in the direction that I need to go in. But now... he's provided me with a roadblock. 

To be honest, I've just been trying to ignore this whole "I don't want to be here" attitude. I figured: hey, I'll be "realistic" for a while and attend school while I figure things out... despite knowing that in my gut, school and corporate illustration jobs are not where I want to be. I've been shoving this whole thing aside because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to unleash the shitstorm (excuse me) associated with telling my parents that I don't want this, and that I would rather live a life helping others through spirit and psychic art while dishing out my own creative material on the side. 

And what's worse? As my dad left my room this morning, he said, "Stew on it during this quarter, and then we'll talk about it later."

Because - you know - I love hearing that from him. It reminds me of October, when I had the "big talk" with my parents that ultimately reduced me to tears (and made me feel quite embarrassed and belittled). 

It's a crap feeling to know your path, but to be told that it's unrealistic. Maybe "financial security" isn't something we should be pursuing. But that's irrelevant to the topic of this post. So now, I have a task. And that task is to decide whether I really want to finish school and head into a corporate illustration career to make my parents happy and worry-free. In my head, this is a no-brainer, but it's obviously a lot more complicated than that. Not being in school and not having a "financially secure" corporate job would make my living arrangements quite different. The whole parents-living-overseas thing is up in the air, too, because of my parents' conflicted feelings (my dad made the mistake of saying if he were single, he'd be overseas in a heartbeat). 

And, of course, it comes down to a big fat question: what would I be doing to earn money?

I could think of a small handful of things. Readings would be high on the list. Spirit art and the like. Becoming more of a professional blogger (which would also mean I couldn't feature some of my favorite artists anymore). Working at a shop like P&D. Doing commissions. Producing my own creative material (selling prints, artbooks, etc.). Teaching (something like online workshops for a small fee). Writing... although this would be more long-term. 

But you know? Idealistic and unrealistic as it may sound, at least I would be happy. Yes, it'd be nice to have money flowing, but I'd be doing exactly what I wanted, and so long as I had the cash to eat and maintain the necessities, I wouldn't care whether I had enough to splurge on things. To be honest, I don't even splurge all that much. And what do I splurge on? Art stuff, mainly. And tarot decks. Art supplies... but those don't count because the majority of that crap is used for school.

There's also a bit of stuff I could sell, like old art or books or trinkets I don't need. 

Man. I knew I couldn't hide from this forever. I'm going to have to start consulting with people again - get their opinions. My guiding energies have been telling me to do what makes me happy for the longest time... but I need other perspectives. This is a huge decision that will ultimately decide how I live and where I'll be in the next few years... so I need to be wise about this. 

In the meantime, I have schoolwork to do. Unfortunately, I don't feel like doing any of the assignments. One's a vector illustration in Illustrator (agh), one's another response paper, and the other is an illustrated recipe. Hm. I guess I could work on that... it's due before the other two things.

Off I go. 

Seeking Answers

"Shaman Light" - by Amanda Clark

I've been lazy all day. And mopey. Almost burst into tears when eating just a few minutes ago because my dad passed by and said: "Try to look more enthusiastic. Life is good." I told him, "That's ironic," to which he replied: "Ironic or moronic?"

"Both," I said. 

I did have a highlight, though... aside from curling up with episodes of Supernatural. My brother's early Yule gift to me arrived today. The new version of Pokemon. ...Yes, I'm a Pokemon gal. Grew up with it, so it's dear to my heart. 

I did a more comprehensive reading for myself using my self-made cosmic oracle deck. Celtic spread. Asked if it's in my best interest to ditch school and follow my heart.

Present:
Wheel of Vision. A focus on the third eye region and its related gifts. Inner sight, self-reflection, looking within. This is fairly accurate, since I've been doing some soul-searching regarding this matter. Visualizing and whatnot.

Immediate Challenge:
The Golden Wings. Seeing from a higher perspective, or soaring spiritually. This makes sense, too. The former is more applicable to this scenario - I can see why it may be a challenge to view things from a higher perspective. I'll have to figure out what the pros and cons of my decision will be and so on. 

Distant Past: (6 mo. +)
Art of Logic. Hahaha. This is SO true. This is referring to my initial decision to attend art school. It was quite simply a decision based on practicality, realism, and logic. "What's the most logical choice?" School, of course. I had a skill I wanted to improve, and I wasn't quite ready to hop right into the working industry, so school it was.

Recent Past: (3 mo. +)
The Star Keeper. This pertains to ambitions, goals, and dreams of the heart. Also quite accurate, since this is around the time when everything started changing, and I felt more inclined than ever to follow my dreams and ditch my old path. 

Best Outcome:
Divine Feminine. I found this interesting. But what does the divine feminine entail? Creation. Creativity/fertility. Emotion. So this is a positive sign.

Immediate Future:
Wheel of Empowerment. I was kind of happy to see this, because this suggests that in the near future, I'll feel empowered enough to take charge of my life and take the steps necessary to manifest my desires.

Factors Affecting Situation:
Divination. Seeking truth or answers, or exploring the unseen. These are my inner feelings. And since this doesn't contrast with the first card (actually, it complements it pretty well), this suggests that I'm actually on the right path. But hey, it's accurate enough on its own, too. Obviously I'm seeking answers, and I'm definitely exploring the unseen (in general, but also when it comes to manifestation). 

External Influences:
Divine Wisdom. These are forces I can't control which will affect the outcome of my situation. In this case, divine counsel, advice, and enlightenment. This is good. I have powerful forces working behind me.

Hopes and Fears:
Celestial Fate. Kind of speaks for itself, although it doesn't do a good job clearly defining my hopes/fears. I mean, yeah, I believe in "half-fate," but that doesn't have that much to do with my situation... or does it? My clarification card was Divine Guidance. Signs, messages, synchronicity, and other general guidance. Well, that's not too revealing. Of course I'm seeking signs. Oh, whatever. 

Final Outcome:
Goddess of Water. Also interesting. This card is all about purification, cleansing, and healing, but also pertains to emotion or even the essence of life. My clarification cards were Divine Summer and Inner Silence. The former is a lovely indicator of contentment, relaxation, entertainment, rest, joy, and warmth. The latter relates to meditation, contemplation, and listening to the voice within. 

I also asked my Greek oracle deck, in which I got symbolism for rash action, fraud/deceit, light, and (which hopped out of the deck) hope and expectation. But to be honest, I don't resonate with these pickings because I don't resonate much with that deck anymore. So I think I'll just ditch those. 

I've been receiving various other signs, as well. On tumblr, someone posted a spell for "new beginnings." Maybe that's also what Lucifer's "presence" represents - new light. The morning star which rises at dawn, to indicate the beginnings of a new day. Then, of course, there's Lulu, who's paralleling me, and a surplus of other inspiring quotes pertaining to manifestation. 

So I guess now it's just a matter of weighing the pros and cons, and then finally sitting down to talk to my dad/parents about this. That last bit will make me nervous as hell, because this is a huge part of my life and my future, and I know it's going to be hard for them to accept. But I have to do this. I want to be happy. And I won't be happy if I waste three or three and a half more years - and $100k - just to follow my parents' practical advice. 

Finny x