As Within

Normally, I post most of my readings in my private blog, but I felt this one is just so darned accurate/relevant that it belongs here. 

I pulled out my beloved Mary-el tarot because for weeks, I've been feeling the need to draw from it. So while my PC was installing updates, I sat and focused on three that best described my situation. I called on Pierre, since his energy is the one I associate with this deck, but something unimaginable happened: I couldn't feel him. It felt forced. Perhaps it's been so long that I've lost touch with these guiding energies... I guess I'll find out soon enough.

So I just called on Andromeda, or Adonai, or whatever consciousness is out there. And here's what I ended up with:

• The Devil. Cages, prisons, bondage. Hell. Lies, illusions. The need to keep solidarity in your beliefs, continue to do what is right no matter what should happen. Use the power and force of your fate for good, channel and direct it toward your destiny rather than your destruction. Your shadow side.
• The High Priestess. Mysteries. Feminine, internal knowledge. Look within for answers. What is hidden, secret, occult. Deep, ancient knowledge. Create contrast or polarity.
• 8 of Swords. An unsolved problem, fear, grief, suffering, self-inflicted suffering. Change thoughts, change actions, change cycles. Echo, reverberation. Keep your heart light. Imagine what you desire and nothing else. Know and be true to yourself.

Yup. Pretty accurate... especially that 8 of Swords. But a lot of important tidbits were brought up here, and it's given me quite a bit of perspective on how to handle my situation. So in other words: I have a starting point now. Over these past several days, I've been trying to stick my feet back into all things spiritual. But I think before I start working with other people again, I need to work on myself. 

Time to crack out the pretty music.

Beltane

"Beltane Reunion" - by Emily Balivet

May. Although I could truly care less about what day/month it is, knowing that it's finally "May" is quite a sigh of relief, because that means the end of the quarter is around the corner. 9 more actual days of school. 

With the first day of May comes Beltane, celebrating the fertility and abundance of earth and good old-fashioned sexual energy. I won't pretend to be an expert on Beltane, because I'm certainly not, but I do respect and admire what it represents... it's part of the reason why I love spring so much. Abundance... new energies. A time for things to begin anew. 

I did a reading for myself. Nothing too elaborate - just an elemental sort of thing, two cards per energy. I asked Spike about the emotional, Pierre about the spiritual, El'azar about the physical, and Leon about the mental. Since I already wrote it down on my private blog, I'll just make a quick jotlist of what came up:

• Emotionally, I'm balanced at present, especially in regard to masculine and feminine energies. I'm approaching my situation with both male and female qualities, which is quite true. To improve my emotional state, I merely have to go with the flow. Emotion isn't something you can "force." You can change your perspective, and improve understanding, but if you're depressed, the cover of "happiness" only lasts so long.
• Physically, I'm in a place of ecstasy. El'azar had some strange answers for me. I don't feel like I'm in a place of physical ecstasy, but I think that's exactly why he chose this card for me. I'm focusing too much on the future - it dominates my thoughts. As for improvement, another incredibly odd choice: a card that essentially parallels The Tower. So I think a big change stands in the way of improving my physical state.
• Mentally, I'm in the right place. Leon is encouraging the process of manifestation, and is saying that my thoughts are promising prosperity. To improve my mental state, I merely have to keep aware of my thoughts... my intentions.
• Spiritually, I'm expanding, but Pierre says there is power that is "trapped" within me - potential that has yet to be released. What kind of power? I'm not sure yet. But to improve my spiritual state, I have to focus more on compassion, of extending a loving hand rather than focusing on the material side of things. 

El'azar, as always, was pretty blunt. I'm always intrigued by the differing perspectives of these guiding energies. I can literally see their distinction... what they tend to focus on, as well as how they express it (e.g. Ellie's bluntness compared to Pierre's cryptic, metaphorical psyche-talk, compared to Leon's simple and straightforward messages, etc.). At least I know where some of my priorities lie now.

I have a lot on my mind. Obviously. In Italian Renaissance yesterday, I spent only a quarter of the time actually paying attention. The rest of that time was spent thinking about all the ideas I was getting about my psychic art business, what I could offer, etc., as well as other things. It makes me wonder if someone is legitimately inspiring me, as in encouraging me to actually offer me these things, or if it's just my materialistic mind thinking, "How else can I stand out from the crowd?"

I mean, I'm getting a lot of cool ideas... things that people might genuinely be interested in. And it would definitely help attract more potential clients... but I need to remember to focus on the helping part instead of the making money part. Which is difficult, I know, because I've been impressed with the urge to sustain myself, made stronger by my parents, whom I feel like I have to "prove wrong." Quite a challenge. But it's nice to know that my thoughts are relatively in the right place. The more I focus on this success, the better (and sooner?) I'll have it.

Of course, I'm still feeling the doubt. I just read a little post by Ravynne Phelan, the artist who illustrated the Mythic Oracle deck and is currently working on the Dreams of Gaia deck (which is so beautiful... holy Shiva, I can't wait). She was basically saying in a nutshell how difficult being an artist is, what with the whole "selling yourself and your products" thing. But despite everything she said, she still doesn't regret where she is, and is happy to be living the life she has. And that's what I needed to hear.

Like always, I had a lot more I was going to say. But it's already 10 AM, and I have a bit of homework to do with InDesign, although to be honest, I don't think I'm going to get much of it done. 

The creative energies are flowing in all the right places... I trust they'll lead me to the proper place. 

Ostara

by elbardo @ deviantART

An overcast morning here for the first day of spring.

I called upon Cernunnos, El'azar, and Pierre for a mini-reading using the BoS, Wildwood, and Mary-el decks, respectively. I do have to say, though... I might have to let go of Cernunnos. Even though I love him and what he stands for, I feel little to no connection with him. I was thinking of maybe just attuning the deck with Shiva/Spike or even Adonai instead, but I haven't yet decided. 

Anyway, here's what they had to share:

Something inside you which is unyielding and resists change:
Cernunnos: Six of Earth. A very gloomy, lonely card. There are a handful of fae here, but a number of them hide in the shadows, away from their brothers. Creating distance... There's nothing entirely happy about this card and I get the feeling it's relating to friendships and socialization - deliberate avoidance. Extreme introversion. That type of thing.

El'azar: The Wheel. Interesting pick. When I first looked at this card, I thought of balance. Traditionally, I believe this card reflects good fortune (or misfortune), but in terms of my question, well... there's a sense of creativity here, or of craftiness. Making things. Handiness. My eye cannot stray from the wheel at center. But once again, there's a sense of loneliness, despite the warmth of this card. The garment has been made, but there's no one around to admire it, or even take it down. 

Pierre: The Hermit. Wow. Okay, boys. I think I get the message here. And you know something? They're right. Well, of course they're right. But I admit it. I didn't entirely realize it until now, but as much as I say I want new/better friends, I'm still resisting the idea because I'm still not all that eager for socialization or having to give up personal time to maintain friendships. Tri mentioned this before: despite how much of an introvert someone may be, they still need friends - or they'll get lonely. I'm pretty much a fall-back friend to those at school. Otherwise, it's just BB - who I don't talk to all that often - Lulu (even though I've been feeling distanced from her), and a few others from SF. I even crave companionship in GW2, which is weird for me because I usually don't like the personalities of those who play such games. 

Something inside you that wants to emerge:
Cernunnos: Mabon. I don't think the emphasis here is on "harvest," but more so on balance. There's a bit of tension between light and darkness as they reach out to each other... so maybe the same is reflected within. But what part of this reflects something that wants to emerge? Just balance? Mutual understanding? 

El'azar: Ten of Arrows - Instruction. El'azar is switching things up, it seems. An elder is instructing a young boy how to use his bow. This card deeply resonates - El'azar definitely knows what he's talking about. There is a desire within to instruct, teach, lead, and guide. But I feel like that desire has been lost amongst all this school crap and materialism. He's on to something here.

Pierre: Page of Cups. This one is tricky. It's obvious the emphasis is on emotion, but what are the specifics? It looks like there are ship sails in the background. The figure has his/her back to us, and is covered with tattoos of sea life (fish). There is a gentle happiness to this figure's stance. Contentment? Ooh. The words "emotional depth" just popped into my head. Once again... I feel like I know what this card means, but I don't have any words to describe it.

What this new thing can become if nurtured:
Cernunnos: Litha. Bright, warm, and blossoming. Yet there's a sense of (A) companionship and (B) authority. God and Goddess are together, and Goddess looks like she's expecting... they sit/stand before a field of sunflowers. I get the sense of achievement and contentment, of having everything they need or could want. Of being satisfied in the moment. This card, however, would be much different had God or Goddess been alone...

El'azar: Ace of Bows - Spark of Life. Oh, wow. The message here is simple and straightforward. If I pursue the feelings associated with teaching and guiding, that's where I'll find my spark. That makes me truly happy. 

Pierre: Knight of Cups. What was previously a minor representation of emotional depth has now become something much more extreme. Knight of Cups is powerful - this card screams compassion, seeing from the heart, emotional abundance, humility, and power. If you were to consider it negatively, then it could be the opposite. But that's not the basis of this question.

Well that has certainly got me thinking now. I love these "comparisons" between energies, because I like to see which energy focuses on what thing. With Cernunnos, it was connection and companionship. With El'azar, it was making, doing, instructing, guiding. With Pierre, it was exploring the inner depths and the mysteries of the emotional psyche. It kind of reflects each energy, because I feel Cernunnos is a very warm energy... and because he's associated with earth, well. You get the idea. And El'azar - he's not so much "talking" as he is doing. He takes his work very seriously compared to the others. Pierre is the darker aspect, who prefers to travel the unknown.

I'm going to have to dwell on what was brought up here. I'm going to elaborate on this in a separate post, but I feel like... "spirituality" is returning. I may not be able to go entirely back to the whole guides and past lives and twin soul thing; however, there is a craving for spiritual that I haven't really been able to satisfy, and things are beginning to line up, what with my visit to SF and a message I received on my spirit/psychic art FB yesterday. 

Happy Ostara/spring!       

The Big 20

"Pisces" - by Josephine Wall

"Sometimes the fastest way isn't always the best way. Sometimes the best things in life take a while." 

That quote caught my attention on my tumblr dash this morning. I needed to see that reminder.

But yep. The big 20. I'm not much into the whole "age" thing but it's quite an interesting concept to contemplate. I still feel as young as ever - perhaps a bit wiser in my thoughts, deeds, and actions. Most people my age, it seems, feel "old." I definitely don't. Maybe it's because I don't know (or care) how the "real world" operates. That's the great thing about being a Pisces, I think: being a dreamer really keeps you young. 

And guess what? Remember when I said my mom ran off to attend the birth of my cousin's first child? It's very likely he'll be born today, of all days. And if that happens, that'll be some weird synchronicity and fascinating symbolism. I recently wrote a research paper on artist Max Ernst, who was reported to have connected the death of a pet cockatoo to the birth of a new sister. I kind of get the same feeling here... if this baby boy is born today, it'd be quite symbolic. I'm no longer considered a "teenager." Twenty marks a whole new age for me... and simultaneously, a brand new life is born. 

I plan on spending the rest of my day behind GW2. Dad's bringing me either sushi (if it's good) or miso salmon and cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory when he gets home. I also plan on downing a big can of Thai tea, too. So in other words - a nice, quiet birthday home alone. Sounds good. 

I called on Pierre for a "twentieth birthday" reading I found on Aeclectic. I have to admit I could almost feel him there... but not quite. He said this would be a powerful year for me, so I'm curious to see what his answers were in response to my questions:

Childhood - how my childhood shaped who I am today:
Page of Wands. There's definitely a sense of celebration with this card. Of passion and dreams. Intuitively, I know what's being said here. I have carried my youth with me all this time, which is why I struggle so much in life. I have the naivety and optimism of a child that many can't - or won't - appreciate or respect.

Teenager - more recent influences on who I am today:
3 of Disks. A very interesting card because of its emphasis on family. However, another strong idea is new birth, or a sense of love, compassion, peace, and dreams fulfilled. The new birth makes a lot of sense seeing how my teenage years were very much a "rebirth" - the most drastic being when I was about sixteen.

As I enter my twenties:
6 of Cups. Another intriguing card. At first, it comes off as "drowning," but upon closer inspection, there's a sense of triumph here. The figure depicted looks rather content, despite being almost entirely submerged in water. His crab-claw hands are the only things not submerged... and he's shown with wings. In fact, this looks more refreshing than dismal. It's not a "dark" card. It looks more like cleansing. And... wow. I really feel this card. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck, but dang. I know what this card means.

My potential future:
9 of Disks.This one gives me a feeling that I can't put into words. It's very earthy and very material (which makes sense given the suit). I get the impression of either triumphing over the material or ascending past the material, as in... it loses its importance. There's a lot of symbolism here and it's kind of difficult to take in all at once. Once again, I just know its meaning.

Things I need to outgrow or let go of:
4 of Cups. There's not a whole lot of "information" with this card. It shows a shell on a beach, with the waves hitting some rocks. It seems kind of overcast. I'd say "emotional turbulence" - maybe even spite or anger. But there's also a major sense of solitude or loneliness here. 

Things I need to embrace or nurture:
Knight of Disks. This doesn't appear to be a coincidence. The imagery in this card sums up one of my deepest desires: to live youthfully, simply, in nature. I know what this card means in my heart.

Skills and traits to develop:
10 of Wands. This card doesn't speak much on "skills" unless you have a bit of an imagination. It shows a man clad in fiery robes on the back of a white horse, with a bow in hand and arrows in a quiver. Every time I see a bow, I think of hunting, or seeking out that which I desire. So perhaps this card is less about "skill" and more about "traits," in which case I need to focus on just that - my desires. 

Challenges I must face:
7 of Disks. The first thing I notice about this card is the darkness. Its very abstract imagery... in fact, kind of tricky to decipher. It looks like the dark forms of mountains against a fiery sky (with a black sun either rising or setting)... plus several runes (the disks) and some feathery shapes. Once again, I just know. I can't put it into words.

Rewards I will reap:
4 of Wands. I'm looking up at a mighty tree as fire seems to consume it. But it doesn't look "bad" to me. I get more the impression of the "cycle of life" - where forest fires consume and leave behind fertile soil for better, more improved things to grow. I am that forest - all the old will be burned away, leaving behind sprouts of new life. 

Hopes and fears as I enter adulthood:
10 of Swords. A very applicable card because it's quite dark. It looks like "death" imagery in the traditional sense: a figure (or in this case, bird-creature) on horseback with a scythe... I believe this is the card that represents defeat, in which case this is very accurate. I'm resisting "adult life" as much as I can because I don't know how this crazy modern world works and I don't resonate with it - plus, I don't want to be taken advantage of. 

A birthday gift:
6 of Wands. A strong, confident, yet calm figure is depicted with a black, serpentine, dragon-esque creature. It almost seems like me. Maybe that's the point. Is it any surprise that a black dragon-esque creature is paired with this figure? Perhaps this one is meant to remind me of my true roots... to remind me that I don't have to be anyone other than myself. And that's a lovely gift. 

So there I have it. Wow. The Mary-el is something else... but what's odd is that this is the first reading I've had where I've been so consciously aware of what the cards mean to me intuitively. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck or a mix of both, but I felt like I knew instantly what the cards meant without studying their imagery or symbolism for too long. I like to think Pierre has to do with it a bit... he always seems to come in so clearly, even if he now seems like a figment of my imagination (but, I remind myself, remember what Adonai said about imagination...). 

I'm excited. I feel hopeful... the sun is making a return.          

Springtime Nearing

"New Beginnings" - by C-91 @ deviantART

Still having trouble sleeping. I haven't tried actually falling asleep with music on because most nights I go to bed late, and I figure that I'll be tired enough to fall asleep quickly. Plus, I don't want to eat away my phone's battery because of school (I can't easily charge my phone there).

I suppose a lack of exercise is also contributing. I've been sitting way too much. I can't wait till it gets warmer - I'd like to go on walks.. just not alone. 

Speaking of warmer temperatures - I'm so psyched for spring. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. I'm ready for the heat (although I can't complain much about winter; it's been quite mild here like last year) and for the flowers and greenery. I'm just not looking forward to the mosquitoes. Aghh. 

With my shell's birthday coming up on Friday, I've been looking at the Mary-el Tarot, trying to decide when to purchase it. It had gone up in price yesterday to $29, and I thought: "That's odd. Maybe I'm meant to get something else..." So I sat and said, "If I'm meant to get this deck, have it bump down to its original price." And it did - this morning. A $3 difference, but that's me. $3 can buy me an art supply. 

So I bought it. After reading the reviews, I admit I was a bit nervous. Essentially, I kept reading the same kind of comments: that the artwork was stunning and beautiful, but that the cards themselves - the laminating, etc. - were not that great, and perhaps would not withstand the test of time. I then realized, though, that I don't handle my decks that often, and not like everyone else (I don't shuffle much). It does seem a little crazy - spending almost $30 on a tarot deck - but in my opinion, it's worth it. Plus, I hear it comes in quality packaging, as opposed to the usual flimsy cardstock box. It took the author/artist 15 years to create, and it's truly my kind of deck... so I will gladly spend that $30. It's supposed to arrive on Wednesday, but often, I'll get things a day before... so we'll see. 

On the topic of spring... I'm actually really eager to clean my room. Last year, I had simply thought: "Yeah, it needs to be done" - and it got shrugged off. But now that my parents are preparing to live overseas, and the crap in my room is really piling up, I feel like it would do me a lot of good to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I tend to hoard or hold on to things either because (A) I think it's important, like a document; (B) I feel I can make some creative use out of it, like scraps of paper/illustration board; or (C) because I have an attachment to it. I keep looking around and thinking: "Do I really need this?" or "Is there a better place for this?"

Not to mention my room is really dusty. Poor Neo, my PC, is full of dust and even cobwebs (I blame my father for that, though, because he's still holding off on the air pump he said he'd get, and won't get any air cans because he thinks they're too expensive). My desk is coated with it, too. I sneeze a couple times a day. 

I'd also like to get rid of some of my art - mainly crap still life projects from foundations classes last year, but other things, as well. I've just been generally thinking: "If I can't think of it or remember it, then I don't need it." I have no space in here. My poor parents keep tripping on things when they come in (limited floor space). This just needs to happen.

This is going to be a summer project. I'd do it during spring break, but seeing how my break is only a week and a half long, I won't be enthusiastic enough. I simply hope that I'll still feel that same eagerness to clean come the end of May. If things are still proceeding with my parents, then I assume I will. 

Since I received another confirmation for the name "Andromeda," I decided to settle on it. I also made a blog for it. At first, I was going to wait, because I don't feel quite ready to show things yet, but I figured: "Hey - it'd still be a good place to document how I'm feeling as a developing artist." So I set up a Wordpress account. I would do Blogger, but because I already have three Google accounts, Google thinks I'm a spammer, and is therefore asking for my phone number to be able to create a fourth account. And I'm not giving my number to Google. So I went with hotmail and Wordpress - which actually feels more professional than Blogger anyway. 

One last thing to mention... writing. I told myself I'd take some time off from it, and I have been. Ideas still swarm in my head, but I haven't put my fingertips to keyboard. I've been reflecting on how to go about writing. It's clearly something that I'm "meant" to be associating with; I just think I've been approaching it with too much impatience and too much criticism. Writing is not like the visual arts, where you can make anatomical errors and have it be part of the composition or style. Well, I guess it is to some degree, but you get what I'm saying, right? You can't write a book not caring how well the flow is or how your transitions are working or whether your characters are developed enough. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, and frankly, every time I sit down to flesh them out, I feel intimidated.

Don't even mention the whole thing about originality. 

I often wonder how I should be writing. I have a distinct style with my fiction (I suppose), but it's not the best it can be. How do I best communicate these stories and ideas? 

Maybe I really should be reading more. 
 

Imbolc

"Luminous" - by Raipun @ deviantART

Beginning to find my light again. I'm still very unhappy with society, but at least I'm beginning to see everything in perspective again now. 

Speaking of perspective... I did my Imbolc reading last night for two main reasons: one, because I have to make up my 20th century art class tomorrow (from MLK), and two, because Friday and Saturday are usually my heavy homework days (since I take off Thursday and Sunday if possible). 

I assign a significant energy to each of my decks: Shiva for Gita, Leon for Psychic Tarot, Apollo for Mythic Oracle, Lucifer for Fallen Angels, Cernunnos for BoS, and Hades for Archeon. So now, with the arrival of Wildwood, I have assigned El'azar, one of my old quiet friends, to it. 

I sat down with him and Cernunnos and asked them each five questions based on the Imbolc ideas of new beginnings, lights in the darkness, etc. These were their answers...

1.) What was important in the past few months?
El'azar: Seven of Arrows - Insecurity.This caught me off guard. El'azar always struck me as a blunt type of guy, even in my past meditations with him. The card illustration definitely seems appropriate. It's very Saint Sebastian, only with more arrows. I do admit I have some minor insecurity issues only when it comes to what other people think. Fortunately, though, I've been catching myself every time the issue pops up, so I correct myself and say: "Why should I care?" But yes. This has been a very prominent theme in past months since it has to do directly with what I truly want to do in life.

Cernunnos: Ace of Fire - The Sun. A card of passion, success, and strong personal energy, but also ego and self-centeredness. I think the focus here is on passion (or the struggle with it) and ego, since I've still been in a constant battle with it. I guess my problem is that I don't know whether ego is "bad" and something I should be trying to avoid. There was a time when I was in harmony with it, but now I wonder: is it possible to be in balance with ego?

2.) Where am I now?
El'azar: Page of Stones - Lynx. I'm on the hunt, according to El. Looking for my prey. Using stealth and cunning to assist me. I do agree that I'm on the hunt, but I feel like there's a bit more to this message, so I'm going to pop open the book... "Mocking concepts of authority. Messages of prosperity or benefit. Learning the ropes. Keeping things down-to-earth." Yeah, that also makes sense.

Cernunnos: Five of Earth - Waterfalls. The strong concept here is stability and steadiness. Flowing at a strong, constant pace with nothing to hold me back. I need to be that waterfall now, he says. I need to flow unrestricted. Wash past the obstacles.

3.) What needs to be released?
El'azar: Six of Stones - Exploitation, Six of Vessels - Reunion, and Knight of Bows - Fox. Whew. El certainly had a lot to say here. Like I said: nice and blunt. Six of Stones has an air of suffering - of lack, of struggling to survive. Looking to the heavens for hope and prosperity, but receiving very little. Yes. Very appropriate. Six of Vessels shows more emotional prosperity. There's a quietness about this card that I really enjoy... it also emphasizes solitude, or at least communing with someone close to me.  and Knight of Bows... Trickery. Cleverness. This fox has the silliest expression on its face. I feel like the message here is deception. To stop deceiving myself and possibly others. 

Cernunnos: Nine of Water - Lakshmi. Once again, emotional prosperity. Even spiritual and physical, to some degree. A card based on abundance and enlightenment.

4.) What is important in the upcoming months?
El'azar: The Shaman. This is a very powerful card for me, and I know its meaning in my heart, so I won't bother to go into detail here.

Cernunnos: Three of Water - Flora. Creativity and abundance. Flowing fertility. That makes me excited, if not hopeful. I need to stop dwelling on the originality of my ideas and just go with what makes me happy - what defines "me." I take this message to heart.

5.) How can I turn my plans into reality?
El'azar: Knight of Stones - Horse. A card of freedom upon first glance. A wild and free spirit. Caring little for the thoughts of those around me. Doing what makes me happy - what empowers and fuels me. 

Cernunnos: Two of Earth: Beach. A gentle card of nurturing the self, soul-searching, being at peace, and being in balance with it all. 

So yeah. I'd say this was enlightening. I should probably read for myself more often, but when I'm in school, the desire to connect with the spiritual falters. So I guess my next "big" reading will be for Ostara, although I may do another mini one before that just to see how things are going. Maybe this is metaphorical... after all, it's winter. Much of what I've been feeling can be related to the concepts associated with winter. And now that spring is on the horizon... it's like the light is returning to my life.

I hope El'azar and Cernunnos are right.

Now I'm actually going to enjoy doing a bit of homework today. I have to do something to keep myself on track, especially since I'll be wasting a few hours of my day tomorrow at school. So off I go.

Happy Imbolc! 

Musings on a Solstice Sun

It seems so strange. 
12/21/2012, yet it feels like any other ordinary day. I guess what I mean is that we've been waiting so long for this day, and now that it's finally here, it's like: what now? Whether you're into the "shift" or "new age" or just shrugged it off as another day, it will soon be the 22nd for the rest of us here in the Americas, and life will go on. Many will look back and laugh about how we made such a big deal about this date. Some will take note of profound spiritual experiences; others will remember a day of getting wasted or even just sitting in class. 

As for me... my day proceeded just like I mentioned this morning. I played a bit of MS. Cleaned my bathroom. Wrapped those two presents (and put them under my baby Yule tree downstairs). Worked on some Winterspell character development. Helped my mom unpack a buttload of groceries. Chilled. 

I don't know what I was expecting to happen. I didn't want to be that hopeful, but just like an acquaintance of mine was somewhat hoping the rapture would be today, I was somewhat hoping that something "big" would happen to me today. Some kind of awakening or energetic shift that would change the way I perceive the world. Then again, the day's not over yet. I know it may be silly - getting all hopeful about this one date - but a girl can dream, right?

Meh. It's not a huge deal. But it's just a little depressing, I suppose, because all the "spiritual" folks I keep up with put such an emphasis on the shift, ascension, the new age, the Age of Aquarius, oneness, and galactic alignment, and many of them were reporting having these cool energetic experiences or blissful meditations; meanwhile, I'm sitting here doing what I've been doing for the past few weeks. 

But hey. This is my life, and my perspective, and no one else will experience this moment in the same way, so I should be happy with what I have.

On a somewhat related note, I came across a quote on tumblr that I feel is very applicable to not only something I've been thinking about, but something that should be kept in mind for all those who praise the "shift":

Your work is not to drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness. Your job is to simply do your work: sacredly, secretly, and silently - and those with 'eyes to see and ears to hear' will respond.

It's true. I actually need to accept this as a reminder for myself. Although my "work" takes place on a creative level, I still need to remember to focus on the act of creating and not on the act of forcing people to accept a new perspective. If change is meant to be dramatic, then it'll be dramatic. Otherwise, it will proceed slowly and steadily, unfolding just as its meant to be, with one person affecting many others, and so on. So there's no rush. 

..I came across two more tarot decks this morning which really caught my eye. They're both pagan/earthy: the Druid Craft Tarot and the Wildwood deck. I love Pagan/nature/Wiccan decks as much as I love darker decks, so I was very happy to find these... and they're both about $13! Agh. Very tempted to buy those. Perhaps if I receive some money for Christmas, I'll spend it on those two decks (or the Mary-El... ooh. This'll be difficult). If not, then... I guess I'll wait till March or something, when my birthday rolls around. I suppose I can wait three or so months.

A couple things I wanted to mention before I proceed with my evening: apparently, my brother and his friend decided to leave earlier. He got off of work today at 1 PM or so; he and his friend were originally supposed to sleep and leave late tonight to arrive at noon tomorrow, but they both agreed they were good and just decided to leave early. They left about 2 hours ago (2 PM), so we're thinking he'll show up here at midnight... possibly later, depending on holiday traffic and cops. I wonder if I should bother going to bed at all, since I'll probably have an even more restless night knowing he's on his way.

And last... Leon-cat. He's getting more and more... comfy with us. Now, when I say  "comfy," I don't mean that he's interested in being close to us. I mean that he's stopping by more frequently. It started last night when my mom went to go turn on the back light for my dad, who was coming home. She just so happened to look down and noticed Leon-cat's face at the screen door. And it was dark. 6 PM. He has never showed up in the dark. 

Then, this morning, he shows up at 9:30. I feed him, and he eventually wanders off. Mom comes home with groceries at around one, and he shows up again. So she feeds him. And now, just twenty minutes ago, he shows up a third time, although he didn't entirely finish his food (a bit of kibble left). 

I wish I could sit down with him and try to determine his "story," but I haven't had the chance because it's hard to do with my mom hovering and baby-talking him. Hmm. 

Now we're wondering if he's going to show up in another 3-4 hours. Lol. 

I guess I should enjoy the last several hours of my privacy before my brother comes in tonight.    
 

Yule

by nieblastocks @ deviantART

Well, the weather certainly is suited for Yule/winter solstice today. The rain from yesterday blew in a cold front, and now it feels like 22 degrees with all the wind out there (which is apparently something like -5.5 degrees for out-of-country folks). That makes me a little miffed, because I wanted to spend a little while outside today... just for the sake of connecting with nature during this significant time. At least the sun is shining.

I had a very interesting night. Before I went to bed, I programmed my picture jasper with the intent of recalling my dreams in great detail and put it under my pillow with my quartz, lapis, and angelite. But once again, I was very restless in my sleep, so I would wake every hour or few hours, only to recall this one piece of a dream. It soon got to be 7 AM, and I woke remembering one significant image from my dream: seeing a dark-haired woman dressed in white with a knife, ready to kill my dad. 

I mean... whoa.
Now, to touch on the cards I pulled from yesterday.. they basically told me that my dreams would be based on new beginnings, potential, adventure, perfect timing, divine inspiration/guidance, and following the path that has been laid out for me. And when I think about it, that one image I woke up remembering was the perfect "message." A woman in white... white representing the purity of spirit, spiritual perfection. Killing my dad. Why? Because my dad is the only obstacle standing on the path to my contentment. My mom shares his view on wanting me to stay in school and get a degree, find a stable job, etc., but she's much too passive and submissive and doesn't really say much about it unless it's brought up. 

So yes. Mother Night delivered the one sole image I needed to see. 

Today's draw is based on Yule, which marks the beginning of the sun's reappearance. As such, the card I draw will give advice on how to best connect with the light within and around me. That card is Nine of Water - Lakshmi, who represents prosperity, emotional and spiritual abundance, creative fertility, and spiritual harmony/enlightenment.

I'd say this is also kind of fitting. There is a sense of spiritual peace and wisdom about this card... I feel like it's reminding me of my true nature, since I haven't been connected with it lately. I haven't been feeling it. So I think that's my answer: to feel the prosperity, abundance, and fertility that I am, to be aware of the light that I am. 

Works for me.

In other news, I have a few things to do today, including tidying up my bathroom and wrapping a couple of gifts. My brother drives in tomorrow at noon (he's leaving at around 10 PM tonight) and will be with us a couple days past New Year's, I believe, so today's pretty much the last day of privacy I have until then. I just have to remind myself to enjoy my brother's company and to not get too pissed when I find myself lacking on introvert time. 

Also, I'm a bit flustered with Amazon right now, because it's making me want to buy things, and I really don't want to spend the money, because I need to save it. However, it's marking down a few items I've been keeping my eye on, such as a couple card decks and an expensive but lovely statue of Shiva that decreased $16 in price. Gahh. 

And speaking of card decks... I stumbled upon a freaking beautiful deck called the Mary-El tarot, which is a bit grotesque but wonderfully surreal and somewhat dark. And I like "darker" cards. The light and fluffy ones do me no good. The only thing about the Mary-El, though, is that it's $26, because it comes in a nice box and everything. There are a few cards in the deck - specifically the minor arcana - that are a little plain to me, such as the Seven of Wands (a wolf face?), the Four of Swords, and the Seven of Cups. But the rest are freaking lovely. Click the link if you're interested in seeing the cards (thank goodness the artist had the courtesy of posting them all). 

I was also on the lookout for a dragon-themed deck, but I wasn't satisfied with the ones that have been published. I was originally looking at the Dragons Tarot, which had some nice illustrations; however, I couldn't resonate well with the imagery and what it symbolized. The other dragon decks were either illustrated in a style I didn't like or were too plain. I'm kind of tempted to just make my own when I start creating decks, although I'm going to need a lot of dragon anatomy practice...

The last deck I was introduced to recently is the Tarot of the Silicon Dawn, although I haven't completely decided whether I resonate with this one. I like the bold, graphic imagery of this deck, but there's not enough detail in there for me. So it's just wishlisted for now. 

That Mary-El tarot... *whistles*
I'll tell you something else, though. I'm actually waiting for a deck that I resonate so freaking well with. The only thing is, it's a work in progress. It's called the Dreams of Gaia Tarot, and it's being drawn/designed by the same artist who illustrated my Mythic Oracle deck. Click this link for a sample of the Gaia deck - it's so beautiful. Unfortunately, the artist, Ravynne, claims it probably won't be published until late 2013 due to health problems she's had and whatnot. 

It's going to be hard to wait for that one, but I suppose Mary-El can keep me company until then. I just have to wait until I have some extra funds to buy that one.

Jesus. Freaking cards, man. They get you hooked. 

Anywho. I guess I'm off to take advantage of some less-populated servers before getting my tasks done today.        

11/11/12

New starts are always nice.

I might as well mention again - I moved to a fresh account because I'm beginning to make gradual progress toward my ambitions, and in order to keep up my end, I need to be proactive. So I thought it'd be best to keep all of "my business" on my own account.

Why Tea Time with Shiva? 

Well, my two regular readers know that I resonate very strongly with Shiva and what he represents. He's a a very significant guiding force in my life.

And, well, the name kind of popped into my head when I was thinking of names. At first it was something like "Coffee with Shiva," but I don't drink coffee... so "Tea Time with Shiva" came next. I thought it was very fitting; I like to think of my journey as lighthearted and carefree - relaxing. So I think a cute title like this one suits me and this blog.

And speaking of Shiva, his energy is coming back into my life. I'm feeling drawn to work with him again in meditation, so that's what I did last night before bed - specifically after I realized how much I was thinking about things. I listened to his mantra and focused on my breathing, and also touched a bit on kundalini by saturating the crown in light. It was a pretty lovely experience, despite my poor stomach suffering from the aftereffects of ingesting too much salt and butter (popcorn I had eaten a few hours earlier)... 

But I remind myself: the first time I had a "Shiva kick" was around the time when my truth began dissolving. Now that I'm having another, I wonder what he's here to "destroy" this time. I have him working to dissolve whatever energies he's dissolving, and the Lucifer energy bringing in empowerment and illumination (saw a couple of references to Luci this morning). Interesting. 

Next... back when I was buying oracle cards, I mentioned that I couldn't find a good tarot deck that was worth buying/learning. Well, uh. I was checking out Llewellyn's site - the company that publishes mind/body/spirit books, tarot decks, calendars, etc. - because I was scouting mind/body/spirit publishers for my book, if I should actually write it... and out of curiosity, I was looking through their tarot decks. 

Long story short, I now have 5 tarot decks wishlisted on Amazon:

•  Archeon Tarot. I love this imagery, although I imagine I may have to rely on actually learning the cards because the images/symbolism aren't too deep. If you clink the link, you'll see that the illustrations are very similar to my Fallen Angel oracle.. haha. It's one of the cheaper decks, at $18.
• Mona Lisa Tarot. I first skipped over this deck while browsing on Aeclectic, because I figured it was all kinda dull Mona Lisa-type illustrations, but when I saw this one on Llewellyn, I was impressed. I love the illustrations on this one, the symbolism, and the stories that the cards tell. It's also cheap, at $17.90.
• Universal Goddess Tarot. I did look at this one before, but it didn't speak so much to me until now. I enjoy the detailed illustrations, and how there's enough symbolism and a bit of story in them for me to decipher them without knowing the actual meaning of the card. This one is $20.65.
• Yoga Tarot. The bright colors on this one sold me. This deck is similar to Archeon, though, in that you can't decipher much from the illustrations, unless you know the symbolism associated with yoga. Same price as Mona Lisa. 
• Golden Botticelli Tarot. I had a fangirl moment when I saw this existed. Botticelli is my favorite Renaissance artist / one of my favorite historical artists. Deciphering might be a little tricky with some cards, though. Would have to rely on card meanings. It's $19.74.  

Pretty nifty, huh? I think as far as efficiency goes, the Mona Lisa deck might be the best first choice, because I can resonate with the illustrations and what they might be suggesting. To be honest, even though I love Botticelli, I think his deck might be the one I resonate with least. But the others... I think that even though there's not much "story" to the cards, I can still tune in to the energy of the card and rely on intuition to determine what it's saying to me. 

So yeah. I'll probably pick one of these decks as part of a gift to myself. But I'm being warned to conserve my cash, so I probably shouldn't splurge as much at P&D when I go on Friday - just get the stuff I want most. That'll probably just be a Shiva statue and a calendar. 

Whew. I'm 98% done with my storyboarding final; I just have to add the script for each image, which my professor is going to show us how to do tomorrow. I hope he doesn't ask me to fix much - or anything - because I'm just so done with that project... plus, I have to work on my stuff for illustration. Today I've gotta finish that perspective drawing and make progress on my self-portrait. 

Off I go then.

Evaah 

Fume Headaches

So I spent my whole day anticipating my new oracle cards. It was practically torture. It was almost like UPS knew how excited I was, because they normally come midday to early afternoon, but today, the guy came at 6:30 PM. 

That's all behind me now, of course, because they're here, and they're fabulous. I'm satisfied with my purchases... so now I'm just sitting and waiting for my Gita deck, which I'm sure will be my favorite for obvious reasons. Amazon told me it shipped today, but I still can't track it yet, so... I'm still hoping I receive a pleasant surprise tomorrow, especially since I'm not going to P&D (I realized I had a lot more storyboarding homework than I initially expected). 

The Psychic Tarot deck is pretty nifty. I like the illustrations, even if they are kind of standard. Half of them appear to be inspired by medieval times, while half are more new-agey. I don't care much for the medieval ones, but I like them enough. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that they are purple on the backs and edged with gold (purple & gold = win). I also enjoy the tarot-oracle hybrid style... The major Arcana were renamed, and the minor Arcana were replaced by colors, which I like, because it helps me understand the emphasis of the card (red for physical, green for emotional, etc.). My only complaint for this deck so far is that it's a little hard to handle. The cards are wide and a little thick, which makes shuffling difficult. Even my method of drawing cards is a bit challenging with this deck (I don't shuffle and deal like most others; instead, I hold the deck in my hands and let my intuition guide me to a certain "side" of the deck, where I'll then split it, put aside one half, and draw the card on top. I feel more satisfied with the cards this way because I know it was my intuition that guided me... seems less like random pulling). 

So yeah. Thumbs up for Psychic Tarot so far, other than that one complaint.

The second deck I purchased, Fallen Angels, is my favorite of the two so far (until Gita arrives... lol). Just look at that art, yo. Very visually striking. As expected, they did a good job assigning attributes to the angels. I was very excited to find Marchosias in there, too, because I adore Marchosias. There's a good balance between positive and negative cards, although I do admit it's difficult for me to keep up with the angels themselves. Half the names I don't know how to properly pronounce... and I'm only familiar with a handful of them. But it'll come with time and practice. 
I also dig the size and thinness of these cards. They're easier to shuffle (if I need to shuffle) and handle. My only complaint is just a matter of unfamiliarity with the cards, because the names are hard to memorize and many of them share similar characteristics. Oh - and it's better to use these cards for more serious matters. They're not ideal for, say, spiritual progress and fluffy topics. These guys are best suited for plain old life and its drama.I mean, they can be used for any topic, but interpretation gets a little tricky for fluffier ones.

What I found interesting with the Fallen Angel deck is that I could receive impressions of what these entities were telling me. I was doing my first reading with this deck for a guy at SF - he asked about this girl who expressed interest in him and what he should do about the situation (because she's apparently "stalling") and the card I drew to represent the present was Focalor, who's associated with turmoil and madness. When I was typing up the description, I heard a quiet voice "say" distinctly in my mind: "This is crazy. Don't waste your time." 

I kind of had to laugh, because I've referred to myself as angel-deaf all these years... yet the moment I start working with the wise entities of the darkness, I can "hear" them easily. I know what some people are probably thinking, so I'll say: just let it go. I respect your truth, so please respect mine.

So I spent my evening doing a few readings for the peeps at SF who are interested. Good results so far. But now I have a semi-headache from the potent "new cards" fumes... you guys probably know what I'm talking about. But it's worth it. 

Aww. I missed card reading. So much fun. I always love to see which cards pop up... 

Finny 

 

Cards, Cards, Cards

Soooo. I just bought myself another beautiful deck that made me fangirl: the Gita deck (wisdom from the Bhagavad Gita). If you click the link, you'll see why I fangirled. I'm not sure how I missed that deck before; probably because it's referred to as a "divination deck."

So now I'll have a deck with some Shiva cards in it. Awww man. I am excited. Unfortunately, they won't be arriving until Monday... but I'll cross my fingers and hope for early delivery (it happens occasionally).

I was originally looking up tarot decks, because I thought: "Well, hey. If I resonate with the art of a deck well enough, I'll consider buying one and learning it." But I couldn't find any on Amazon that I really liked (and were reasonably priced). There's one called Nefertari's Tarots that is Egyptian-styled and covered in gold (I loooove gold), but it's freaking $36. For good reason, of course, because the gilded gold style makes them really pretty. Other than that one, though, there weren't really any that screamed out to me. Shadowscapes is a lovely and elegant deck, but it's not for me, either.

So I kinda took that as a sign to avoid tarot right now. I never really resonated with it - I think because they seemed too much like playing cards to me, what with the wands and pentacles and cups. Kind of stiff, rigid, and repetitive... whereas oracle allows more room for creativity with different kinds of themes. Yes, the messages are a bit more general and straightforward, but depending on the theme, you can actually intuit a lot of information from them. I like to use them in conjunction with spirit art for that reason. And it got me thinking - maybe that's the reason why I was guided to work with oracle cards before I got into spirit art. Although I don't dislike the idea, I would prefer to be able to fully interpret my art for people. Every other spirit/psychic artist I know is able to do this, so why can't I? 

I've already had a few people tell me there isn't a problem with this. And... I don't necessarily see it as a problem. It's just that I need to depend on a secondary source to elaborate details to the sitter, and that frustrates me a little. I either have to rely on my interpreters or use my cards to give a more specific direction. Of course, this only applies to channeled work or spirit portraits (sometimes). Aura stuff I'm pretty good at because it's straightforward and not very symbolic. 

I'm not sure if this is something that just comes with practice or what. Maybe it relates to my lack of sensitivity. And I was wondering - from my previous post - that perhaps it might not be all pineal calcification. I still do have a teensy fear of the unknown, only because I don't know what to expect. I never had those "childhood scares" that every psychic/medium and their mother experienced... you know - seeing the ghost of your grandma or a complete stranger at the foot of your bed. The only "scare" I recall was based on my ability to astral project with ease. The sensation of spiraling back down to my body freaked me out after numerous times, so I guess I subconsciously rejected the skill. But I never knew what that was. 

So yeah. Not seeing things with my physical eyes has been both a blessing and curse. I want to see the richness of spirit all around me, but there's still that sliver in the back of my mind that's thinking: "What is it like? Will I see 'things'?" And by things, I mean the "stuff" that people often report, such as shadows lurking and faces staring at you as you sleep. Who knows, though? It might be different for me. Maybe I should consult the wisdom of the darker realms for help... to see things from their perspective. 

On a completely unrelated note, it astounds me to see how animals can guide us. I've been working on my research journal every day and these past couple of days I've been taking notes on animal totems and symbolism... it's very intriguing. It makes me wonder if that's why we included animals on this planet - not to consume them, but to learn from them. It's so freaking cool to think about, especially when you consider that each animal has its own peculiarities that distinguish it from other species. From turtles with their protective shells to swans and their companionship... there's so much symbolism embedded in these creatures.

I was delighted to discover that my Celtic animal sign is a snake. Prefer that much more than a rooster. I freaking love snakes. I think I might like one in the future... a leucistic one would be awesome, like a ball python (I believe rat snakes are aggressive). 

Aghhh. I hope that Gita deck comes early. 

Finny