The Big 20

"Pisces" - by Josephine Wall

"Sometimes the fastest way isn't always the best way. Sometimes the best things in life take a while." 

That quote caught my attention on my tumblr dash this morning. I needed to see that reminder.

But yep. The big 20. I'm not much into the whole "age" thing but it's quite an interesting concept to contemplate. I still feel as young as ever - perhaps a bit wiser in my thoughts, deeds, and actions. Most people my age, it seems, feel "old." I definitely don't. Maybe it's because I don't know (or care) how the "real world" operates. That's the great thing about being a Pisces, I think: being a dreamer really keeps you young. 

And guess what? Remember when I said my mom ran off to attend the birth of my cousin's first child? It's very likely he'll be born today, of all days. And if that happens, that'll be some weird synchronicity and fascinating symbolism. I recently wrote a research paper on artist Max Ernst, who was reported to have connected the death of a pet cockatoo to the birth of a new sister. I kind of get the same feeling here... if this baby boy is born today, it'd be quite symbolic. I'm no longer considered a "teenager." Twenty marks a whole new age for me... and simultaneously, a brand new life is born. 

I plan on spending the rest of my day behind GW2. Dad's bringing me either sushi (if it's good) or miso salmon and cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory when he gets home. I also plan on downing a big can of Thai tea, too. So in other words - a nice, quiet birthday home alone. Sounds good. 

I called on Pierre for a "twentieth birthday" reading I found on Aeclectic. I have to admit I could almost feel him there... but not quite. He said this would be a powerful year for me, so I'm curious to see what his answers were in response to my questions:

Childhood - how my childhood shaped who I am today:
Page of Wands. There's definitely a sense of celebration with this card. Of passion and dreams. Intuitively, I know what's being said here. I have carried my youth with me all this time, which is why I struggle so much in life. I have the naivety and optimism of a child that many can't - or won't - appreciate or respect.

Teenager - more recent influences on who I am today:
3 of Disks. A very interesting card because of its emphasis on family. However, another strong idea is new birth, or a sense of love, compassion, peace, and dreams fulfilled. The new birth makes a lot of sense seeing how my teenage years were very much a "rebirth" - the most drastic being when I was about sixteen.

As I enter my twenties:
6 of Cups. Another intriguing card. At first, it comes off as "drowning," but upon closer inspection, there's a sense of triumph here. The figure depicted looks rather content, despite being almost entirely submerged in water. His crab-claw hands are the only things not submerged... and he's shown with wings. In fact, this looks more refreshing than dismal. It's not a "dark" card. It looks more like cleansing. And... wow. I really feel this card. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck, but dang. I know what this card means.

My potential future:
9 of Disks.This one gives me a feeling that I can't put into words. It's very earthy and very material (which makes sense given the suit). I get the impression of either triumphing over the material or ascending past the material, as in... it loses its importance. There's a lot of symbolism here and it's kind of difficult to take in all at once. Once again, I just know its meaning.

Things I need to outgrow or let go of:
4 of Cups. There's not a whole lot of "information" with this card. It shows a shell on a beach, with the waves hitting some rocks. It seems kind of overcast. I'd say "emotional turbulence" - maybe even spite or anger. But there's also a major sense of solitude or loneliness here. 

Things I need to embrace or nurture:
Knight of Disks. This doesn't appear to be a coincidence. The imagery in this card sums up one of my deepest desires: to live youthfully, simply, in nature. I know what this card means in my heart.

Skills and traits to develop:
10 of Wands. This card doesn't speak much on "skills" unless you have a bit of an imagination. It shows a man clad in fiery robes on the back of a white horse, with a bow in hand and arrows in a quiver. Every time I see a bow, I think of hunting, or seeking out that which I desire. So perhaps this card is less about "skill" and more about "traits," in which case I need to focus on just that - my desires. 

Challenges I must face:
7 of Disks. The first thing I notice about this card is the darkness. Its very abstract imagery... in fact, kind of tricky to decipher. It looks like the dark forms of mountains against a fiery sky (with a black sun either rising or setting)... plus several runes (the disks) and some feathery shapes. Once again, I just know. I can't put it into words.

Rewards I will reap:
4 of Wands. I'm looking up at a mighty tree as fire seems to consume it. But it doesn't look "bad" to me. I get more the impression of the "cycle of life" - where forest fires consume and leave behind fertile soil for better, more improved things to grow. I am that forest - all the old will be burned away, leaving behind sprouts of new life. 

Hopes and fears as I enter adulthood:
10 of Swords. A very applicable card because it's quite dark. It looks like "death" imagery in the traditional sense: a figure (or in this case, bird-creature) on horseback with a scythe... I believe this is the card that represents defeat, in which case this is very accurate. I'm resisting "adult life" as much as I can because I don't know how this crazy modern world works and I don't resonate with it - plus, I don't want to be taken advantage of. 

A birthday gift:
6 of Wands. A strong, confident, yet calm figure is depicted with a black, serpentine, dragon-esque creature. It almost seems like me. Maybe that's the point. Is it any surprise that a black dragon-esque creature is paired with this figure? Perhaps this one is meant to remind me of my true roots... to remind me that I don't have to be anyone other than myself. And that's a lovely gift. 

So there I have it. Wow. The Mary-el is something else... but what's odd is that this is the first reading I've had where I've been so consciously aware of what the cards mean to me intuitively. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck or a mix of both, but I felt like I knew instantly what the cards meant without studying their imagery or symbolism for too long. I like to think Pierre has to do with it a bit... he always seems to come in so clearly, even if he now seems like a figment of my imagination (but, I remind myself, remember what Adonai said about imagination...). 

I'm excited. I feel hopeful... the sun is making a return.          

Springtime Nearing

"New Beginnings" - by C-91 @ deviantART

Still having trouble sleeping. I haven't tried actually falling asleep with music on because most nights I go to bed late, and I figure that I'll be tired enough to fall asleep quickly. Plus, I don't want to eat away my phone's battery because of school (I can't easily charge my phone there).

I suppose a lack of exercise is also contributing. I've been sitting way too much. I can't wait till it gets warmer - I'd like to go on walks.. just not alone. 

Speaking of warmer temperatures - I'm so psyched for spring. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. I'm ready for the heat (although I can't complain much about winter; it's been quite mild here like last year) and for the flowers and greenery. I'm just not looking forward to the mosquitoes. Aghh. 

With my shell's birthday coming up on Friday, I've been looking at the Mary-el Tarot, trying to decide when to purchase it. It had gone up in price yesterday to $29, and I thought: "That's odd. Maybe I'm meant to get something else..." So I sat and said, "If I'm meant to get this deck, have it bump down to its original price." And it did - this morning. A $3 difference, but that's me. $3 can buy me an art supply. 

So I bought it. After reading the reviews, I admit I was a bit nervous. Essentially, I kept reading the same kind of comments: that the artwork was stunning and beautiful, but that the cards themselves - the laminating, etc. - were not that great, and perhaps would not withstand the test of time. I then realized, though, that I don't handle my decks that often, and not like everyone else (I don't shuffle much). It does seem a little crazy - spending almost $30 on a tarot deck - but in my opinion, it's worth it. Plus, I hear it comes in quality packaging, as opposed to the usual flimsy cardstock box. It took the author/artist 15 years to create, and it's truly my kind of deck... so I will gladly spend that $30. It's supposed to arrive on Wednesday, but often, I'll get things a day before... so we'll see. 

On the topic of spring... I'm actually really eager to clean my room. Last year, I had simply thought: "Yeah, it needs to be done" - and it got shrugged off. But now that my parents are preparing to live overseas, and the crap in my room is really piling up, I feel like it would do me a lot of good to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I tend to hoard or hold on to things either because (A) I think it's important, like a document; (B) I feel I can make some creative use out of it, like scraps of paper/illustration board; or (C) because I have an attachment to it. I keep looking around and thinking: "Do I really need this?" or "Is there a better place for this?"

Not to mention my room is really dusty. Poor Neo, my PC, is full of dust and even cobwebs (I blame my father for that, though, because he's still holding off on the air pump he said he'd get, and won't get any air cans because he thinks they're too expensive). My desk is coated with it, too. I sneeze a couple times a day. 

I'd also like to get rid of some of my art - mainly crap still life projects from foundations classes last year, but other things, as well. I've just been generally thinking: "If I can't think of it or remember it, then I don't need it." I have no space in here. My poor parents keep tripping on things when they come in (limited floor space). This just needs to happen.

This is going to be a summer project. I'd do it during spring break, but seeing how my break is only a week and a half long, I won't be enthusiastic enough. I simply hope that I'll still feel that same eagerness to clean come the end of May. If things are still proceeding with my parents, then I assume I will. 

Since I received another confirmation for the name "Andromeda," I decided to settle on it. I also made a blog for it. At first, I was going to wait, because I don't feel quite ready to show things yet, but I figured: "Hey - it'd still be a good place to document how I'm feeling as a developing artist." So I set up a Wordpress account. I would do Blogger, but because I already have three Google accounts, Google thinks I'm a spammer, and is therefore asking for my phone number to be able to create a fourth account. And I'm not giving my number to Google. So I went with hotmail and Wordpress - which actually feels more professional than Blogger anyway. 

One last thing to mention... writing. I told myself I'd take some time off from it, and I have been. Ideas still swarm in my head, but I haven't put my fingertips to keyboard. I've been reflecting on how to go about writing. It's clearly something that I'm "meant" to be associating with; I just think I've been approaching it with too much impatience and too much criticism. Writing is not like the visual arts, where you can make anatomical errors and have it be part of the composition or style. Well, I guess it is to some degree, but you get what I'm saying, right? You can't write a book not caring how well the flow is or how your transitions are working or whether your characters are developed enough. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, and frankly, every time I sit down to flesh them out, I feel intimidated.

Don't even mention the whole thing about originality. 

I often wonder how I should be writing. I have a distinct style with my fiction (I suppose), but it's not the best it can be. How do I best communicate these stories and ideas? 

Maybe I really should be reading more.