Desire

My dream themes were a little interesting. It was partly Merlin-inspired and partly Louisiana trip-inspired. I'm not entirely sure what was going on; I just know that I was on a trip. I remember being at my godfather's house (although it was an actual house and not the trailer), watching him as he painted. He doesn't paint. And it was pretty stinkin' good, too. I remember feeling a bit jealous. I was then at some kind of class/school where the teacher had our laptops for something... but I wasn't focused on that. I was focused on the "trip back to Georgia." 

The fun part? Apparently, we rode on the back of a dragon on our way over. I actually recall seeing this dragon in the yard, and speaking to it much like Merlin does (maybe not in dragonspeak though, lol). I also recall hearing my mom or dad mention that I would be in charge of directing the dragon. 

The last time I saw a dragon in my dream was when Pierre was active in my life. It was a kind of sentimental moment for me when I woke and realized that. As much as I'd like to think it was Pierre's energy present, I know it wasn't. Even my gut knows that much. 

Anywho. I'm feeling pretty excited because the inspiration for Crucible is rolling in. I'm hoping that means I'll be following a solid path, rather than one that keeps crisscrossing, backtracking, or hitting dead ends. Like I said before, though: I'm sure this project will be completed when it's meant to be.

Which brings me to my next point: I was reading some seriously profound stuff on my tumblr dash this morning. Particularly this tidbit:

"In an infinite fractal of rotation, how do you define the center? Every point is the center. You are the center of the Universe observing the Universe from your very own center. Wherever you select a point of observation in the fractal, that point becomes the center from which you are observing the Universe. That point becomes stillness. Why stillness? Because in that point now, all of the spins of the Universe cancel out. You need stillness in order to have a frame of reference for rotation. That is how singularity occurs. Singularity is the point at the center of your experience. That is the point of stillness from which you are observing the Universe."

Along with this were some other "universal consciousness" type posts that once again have got me thinking. I really enjoy being "universal." I love this perspective. But I just made a realization: the only reason why I keep tugging on the manifestation perspective is because I feel like I "need" it to be able to survive. 

Think about it: we are drawn to manifestation because we feel unhappy with our lives. We feel like we're lacking or missing something. We feel like we don't have enough. So we want the power to fix that... to fill in the "missing" information. To fulfill the heart's desires. 

Our society is built around earnings. It's a law of the world that if you can't pay for it, you can't have it. It reminds me of a quote I discovered several days ago: that we are born of/on Earth, but we have to pay to be able to live on it. Because of this system, we have been led to believe that we can't have something unless we can earn it. But guess what? This wasn't how things were back in the day. We were part of nature; therefore, we had just as much right to the land as every other living creature. We didn't separate ourselves from nature. All we were concerned with was being. 

So what is manifestation, really? A desire to attract stuff that we feel would make us happy. Of course, in this society, we don't exactly have a choice. There's little to no sense of equality in this area of life, so we have to work our butts off to acquire what should be rightfully ours. 

But if we take away the concept of manifestation, then we come to the idea that life is centered around being happy with what you have. Other life forms don't spend their time thinking about what they want to attract in their lives. They go with the moment, and deal with crap as it happens. They live simply: they sleep whenever they are tired, they eat whenever they're hungry, they bathe and play and ultimately exist. 

I'm contemplating this because I've been thinking about the future again, as I stated before. There's a lot in motion that I'm trying to keep track of, and I have to admit I'm getting a little nervous because things are speeding along, and thanks to this society, I'm worried for my future. I know where I want to be. But are those desires what I should expect to occur? What is desire? What leads us to want something? There are ego-based desires and soul-based desires... those that come from pure passion for something. Ego-based desires are easy enough to make sense of. They come from the ego's need for more. But soul-based ones? That's pure feeling right there. To me, that expresses universal intent. 

Adonai knows what it's like to just be. That's its natural state. But does it know what desire is? I don't think so. Because desire suggests that you are missing or lacking something. Adonai is the universe. Adonai doesn't lack anything. Maybe that's one of the pieces to the puzzle... physical existence allows us to experience desire. 

What do we do with that desire, though? What is it meant to reflect? 

Maybe "soul-based" desires aren't desires at all. But to understand this, I would have to over-stand the universal intent for incarnation. Physical life has a lot to offer for a presence like the universe. But does it come down to just being, or pursuing one's desires?

Will elaborate on this later...        

Immovable Himalayas

Cold and rainy today.

Pulled Andras card - he represents conflict. I'm not sure to what conflict this may be referring to, because I feel relatively strife-free these days. So I asked Gita to shed some light on this, and got Immovable Himalayas. Hmm. Maybe this will make sense later. 

I'm pretty excited because I'm about to receive a commission from one of my good high school buddies. I commissioned her back in August, but she's also in art school as an illustration major (she's a year older than me), so she's been pretty busy. But last night, she told me she would soon have it finished. I'm freaking psyched, because I'm a huge fan of her work.

I had an interesting thought a week or so ago about not all manifestations coming through. Mainly, I'm talking about my garage door fails, because that's the only manifestation that hasn't come through 100%. But a week ago the thought came to me that perhaps there's a specific reason for such "failure." 

What if some manifestations "fail" if they're not in our best interest, or if there's a factor that may influence the outcome? For example - the garage door at school. What if I put all my energy into putting that door up so I can park on the lower level, but the universe decides against letting that come through because it knows my parking on the lower level isn't in my best interest for whatever reason? Maybe it knows that there will be someone mysterious down there (because it IS the bottom level... not many people park down there), or someone who's interested in Johann-Pierre, or someone who may back into Johann-Pierre (because one of my other desires is that the car is safe and out of "sight"). So maybe... maybe there's a conflict between manifestations? 

But you know what that would mean if it were true? There's a degree of pre-programming going on. I did say before that I resonated with half pre-programming, half free will. Balance. So yeah, this idea makes sense to me. I can't think of any other reason why my manifestations wouldn't be pulling through. So maybe when it comes to some manifestations, the universe sees a conflict, and chooses the better of the two. And of course, I have to remind people here: I'm not bothered if I have to park on the upper levels. Lol. In fact, the upper levels are good because there's more activity up there. 

This all ties into the "everything is connected" concept. Because when you think about all the decisions that people are making around you... they're creating their realities and somehow that is aligning beautifully and perfectly with your own. They all come to a happy medium. So perhaps that balance/sacrifice is needed, because some people's decisions will influence your reality, and in order for the universe to give you want you want, those sacrifices will give you the overall better outcome.

I'm assuming this ties into all manifestations - not just the tiny ones... in which case I now understand why people are always saying "trust in the universe." Because what may look like a defeat or rejection at first is only paving the way for something better. Keeping my car safe and secure is, in the long run, a lot better of an outcome than temporarily parking on the lower level and having someone break into/crash into/steal it. 

On a somewhat similar note... I'm feeling so connected lately. I have this excited energy building up around me - I feel like change is coming. Big change. I know it's not surprising for this time of year, but I wonder if it has to do with all the global energies. It reminds me of Jennifer Hoffman's 2012 predictions, which I mentioned a few times back at SF. According to her, late October to the end of November will be the fifth "power period" (energetic shift or alignment of some sort) of the year, and will probably be known as "The Time the World Changed." People demanding the truth and whatnot. And with today being Election Day, well... that's probably a big contributor. And for those who are curious - no, I'm not voting. When I was talking to my brother yesterday (he's voting because he's in the military and claims he doesn't want his commander-in-chief to be a "pretentious douchebag"), I realized that I couldn't come up with a solid excuse for not voting. I was just never interested. I'm not like the Americans who say "my vote won't count." I just... I never had the interest. Never felt like I should, because politics are way above me, and when it comes down to it, I'd just vote for the guy who I think is more tolerable of the two. And maybe that's a reason to vote - I don't know. 

Tonight should be interesting...

Evaah     

Procrastination

"Materia - Air" - by Patricia Ariel

I need to be working on my last few storyboards, but I need to jot this stuff down before I forget.             

I'll first mention that my Mythic Oracle deck arrived today. They're pretty nifty. Nice illustrations (I loooove the ones for Apollo, Helios, and Orpheus), but a skim deck. Only 45 cards, so I think I'll use them as "guide" type cards or for more general topics... like "whose energy should you call on today" kind of thing. I don't know why they only included 45 cards, since many oracle decks have about 60-70. And there are hundreds of characters in Greek mythology. 

The skimness is really my only complaint. So yeah. I'll be using these four decks in the meantime until I come across some others that are fabulous. I've been using Psychic Tarot for most of my readings for the peeps at SF, so that one responds best to my energy right now. The only problem I'm having with these decks is that because of their material and the way they're manufactured, they split easily into "sections," and it's a little annoying for the way I draw cards. Sometimes I wonder if it's a genuine pick, but I'm still technically selecting them based on intuition. Hmm...

On another note, yesterday was our first below-40 degree day thanks to Frankenstorm Sandy (for my out-of-country readers, that's about 4 degrees). Sandy helped bring in a cold front, along with some seriously gusty winds. I got to wear a scarf for the first time this season, but I tried to actually enjoy the cold. It was only tolerable because the sun was shining, though.

Nanowrimo starts on Thursday, and I'm a teensy bit frustrated because I'll still have 2.5 weeks of school and final projects to blast through before being able to fully focus on my writing. But hey. I'll reach those 50,000 words, even if I have no idea where this story is going to go.
And speaking of Thursday, I'm still debating what I want to do for Halloween/Samhain. I was thinking about going to P&D for their night of divination, but that's an activity that runs 8-10 PM and I do have school the following day. I was thinking about just staying indoors and watching a Supernatural marathon in the dark like I did last year, but I kinda want to do something more Samhain-y or Halloween-y this year. Maybe if I'm not too busy I'll do some readings with the assistance of some lovely entities (since the veil IS thinnest then... hahaha). 

I was a little disappointed to have a garage fail today. It's not a big deal; the only reason I'm disappointed is because this demand wasn't halfhearted. I really put my effort into this manifestation last night when I was winding down with Luci (although I didn't really do it this morning like I usually do). I'm not sure if that's the actual reason it didn't work... but I would think it would, because I was very passionate about it.

So now I wonder if there's something more to this whole manifestation thing - like areas of life we can't control. I used to believe that before, but then I got smacked with ultra-creator-confidence. It does make some sense based on the conversations I've been having with Adonai. If life went 100% according to your plan, then there would be no room for any kind of growth. It's through some kind of pain or suffering that we are able to expand into something greater. I mean, I'm obviously not in pain for having to park on the second level of the parking deck, but it does make me wonder... does this "no-go" approach apply to every aspect of life? 

It's definitely something I need to talk with Adonai about. 

A last tidbit before I go and do storyboarding homework: I stumbled across a wonderful pianist named Brian Crain yesterday. "Fire" was the first song I heard from him, and it reminded me of Luci. If you guys dig relaxed/emotional piano pieces, go check him out. He makes some awesome stuff. Here's "Fire:"

Finny   

Splurging

And by that I mean... I may have bought a fourth oracle deck. Hahaha. But I had to! It was cheap and it's something else I resonate very well with: Greek mythology. 

And of course... the artwork is lovely. Apollo - one of the Greek deities I resonate most with - is rendered very beautifully, although I was a little disappointed with how the artist chose to depict Hades, who is also one I resonate well with (a cloaked guy with a cane? Come on...). I was also happy to find Orpheus in there, and Thanatos (although I'm not a huge fan of his depiction either). 

My first self-made deck was a Greek myth one, but as my truth shifted and changed, I began resonating more with another deck. It'll be nice to have actual faces to look at now.

Which brings me to my next point: my Gita deck arrived today! I like to think that I manifested this... because I did apply the effort. I sat and visualized it in the mail, and the intense joy of having it... and it was there when I got home. Funny, because when I got back from seeing Argo (which was a pretty good film), my mom asked me to check the mail because she didn't want the people across the street to stare at her again (our neighbors are having their siding replaced). So it was even more of a gift to open my mailbox and see that lovely package in there. 

And oh my Adonai. It's freaking beautiful. I wasn't expecting such a high-quality deck. I mean, I knew I would love it anyway, because I adore Hindu art and deities, but I figured that, because they were $11.50, they would be cheaply made. There are 68 cards in this deck. The Mythic/Greek Oracle I just bought was $13 for 45 cards that aren't as beautifully illustrated (the illustrations themselves are fine, but the rest of the card design is mediocre). But no. I open up my Gita deck and wow. Stunning. The cards aren't as thick as the Psychic Tarot, but I like that because it makes them easier to handle... and they're made with good material. The printing is fabulous, too. I can't believe I paid just over $10 for this. 

I only have two minor complaints for this deck: 1.) that they are front and back; one side features the illustration and the title/motto, and the back features the matching verse in original Sanskrit, romanized Sanskrit (I believe) and English; and 2.) some of the featured verses are very Bible-esque. Most of them aren't, though... just wise snippets. But others basically have Krishna behaving as the Bible depicts Jesus - saying things like "make everything you do a sacrifice to me," or "turn away from everything else and focus only on me." Now, I haven't read the Bhagavad Gita (obviously), so I'm not sure how this whole conversation between Krishna and Arjuna works out. Despite the symbolism that Krishna may stand for, I'm still not entirely happy about the message of "put your faith and trust in a specific identity/character that is beyond you." But once again, I know very little about Hinduism and its branches, so there's probably a lot I'm missing. 

My complaint regarding #1 only bothers me because I like to keep the card a "secret" until I finish drawing all the others. I keep them face-down like everyone else. But the backs of these have the verse AND the title/motto on them, so if I set them face-down, I'll still know the content of the card. This isn't a huge deal, because I don't look at the cards as I draw them. I'm only complaining about this mildly because I like to keep the reading as full of suspense as possible. Lol.

There's a big reason - or even a couple of reasons - why I've been so intensely drawn to oracle cards again. In fact, now that I think about it, the urge to get into them again came out of freaking nowhere, which is my indicator that it's significant. Before, I used to treat the cards as a mere tool or medium through which my higher guidance could give me information, but now I see them as their own "conscious entity." I feel drawn to develop an actual relationship with my cards this time. Maybe that's why my self-made ones feel dull. It's amazing.. the cards have been talking to me. They tell me more specific details and seem to have a mind of their own. Really cool stuff.

I am a happy duck. And I'm very grateful for what I have. I am abundant... 

Finny   

Magic Journals and Manifestation

"The Book" - by Michael Zancan

I came across a wonderful idea on tumblr: magic journals. 

It's a really simple idea - I'm surprised I didn't come up with it myself. Basically, you write down what you want to manifest... adding thoughts, ideas, pictures, etc., as a means of bringing it into reality. So I'm getting myself yet another new journal for this, which is good because I have so many specific things that I want to manifest, and it's getting a little hard to remember them all. Lately, I've just been focusing on the major desires... 

I've been noticing that manifestation works better when I understand something to have already happened. Before, I was making demands. For instance - with the garage door... I would state: "I expect the garage door to be up when I arrive," and visualize myself seeing the open door. But I tried a new method based on a meditation I did the other night, where you not only visualize yourself with what you want, but know it's already there, and experience the feeling associated with it. So these past three days, I've been doing just that. I'll do the visualization, understand that the garage door is already up, and feel the joy associated with parking on the lower floor (yes, there is much joy to be had). We'll see if it keeps up.

In other news, I just bought myself two oracle decks: Fallen Angels and the Psychic Tarot Oracle. Even though I don't use cards extensively for readings, I do like to use them for confirmation, because certain phrases or words from these cards can often be a "sign" for me (like The Moon and Shiva...). I do like my own decks, but mine aren't even illustrated (waiting for my skill to improve), and since they're made of blank index cards, it can get a little difficult to shuffle and handle them. So I'd like some sturdier decks with themes and illustrations I resonate with. It's funny because I actually did make a fallen angel themed deck for myself, but I got rid of it; I couldn't get the meanings right. So I'm hoping the deck I bought will be much better than mine.
Maybe I'll even offer oracle card mini-readings as a little bonus for spirit art stuff.

I might get an actual tarot deck in the future, but right now, I'm feeling too lazy to try to learn it. I would just do it Squig-style and read the pictures of the cards, but I feel like that would get repetitive after a while. I like to combine reading the image with the general card meaning, so yeah. Will learn tarot in the future. I probably shouldn't expect people to be interested in the fallen angel deck, though. Lol.

I don't know. I've just always had this fascination with the darker realms. I obviously don't believe in hell or demons, but the darkness is always much more interesting than the light - probably because we know what light is like already. I find the darker realm quite beautiful, actually. It really is misunderstood.

And speaking of darker realms, I decided to switch my Nanowrimo topic from my usual big project stuff to something darker. I was going to write the prequel to my main project, but since it's such a big story, it requires a lot more planning and deliberation. So I'm deciding to approach Nano this year the way you're meant to - jumping in with a story from scratch.. rather than something you've been working on for years. 

For those who don't know, Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month, which takes place every November. This is my fifth year participating. The goal is to write a 50,000 + word novel by the end of the month... and even though there aren't any big prizes (other than a couple of discounts and a free printed transcript), it's still a wonderful experience, because it reminds me that great novels can be written in a month. Will the novel be good right then and there? Of course not. After all, it's about quantity - not quality. But there are a lot of writers out there who take months - even years - to formuate a draft or two.

So yeah. Seven more days till that starts. Unfortunately I'll be in school for half of it, and then in Louisiana for Thanksgiving, so this will be quite the challenge. I usually have a good understanding of what I'm writing about before I jump in, but this year, I'm basically pulling something out of my arse. I'm calling it Threnody, and it's basically an experimental work (as far as the writing style goes) about an underground (literally and figuratively) culture that chooses to live life a little on the darker side. In other words, they live alongside dark entities and deities and whatnot. I haven't fully fleshed out the idea; I probably won't talk much about it though, because I do have serious intentions of publishing all my work. 

Thirteen days and counting!

Finny x