My dream themes were a little interesting. It was partly Merlin-inspired and partly Louisiana trip-inspired. I'm not entirely sure what was going on; I just know that I was on a trip. I remember being at my godfather's house (although it was an actual house and not the trailer), watching him as he painted. He doesn't paint. And it was pretty stinkin' good, too. I remember feeling a bit jealous. I was then at some kind of class/school where the teacher had our laptops for something... but I wasn't focused on that. I was focused on the "trip back to Georgia."
The fun part? Apparently, we rode on the back of a dragon on our way over. I actually recall seeing this dragon in the yard, and speaking to it much like Merlin does (maybe not in dragonspeak though, lol). I also recall hearing my mom or dad mention that I would be in charge of directing the dragon.
The last time I saw a dragon in my dream was when Pierre was active in my life. It was a kind of sentimental moment for me when I woke and realized that. As much as I'd like to think it was Pierre's energy present, I know it wasn't. Even my gut knows that much.
Anywho. I'm feeling pretty excited because the inspiration for Crucible is rolling in. I'm hoping that means I'll be following a solid path, rather than one that keeps crisscrossing, backtracking, or hitting dead ends. Like I said before, though: I'm sure this project will be completed when it's meant to be.
Which brings me to my next point: I was reading some seriously profound stuff on my tumblr dash this morning. Particularly this tidbit:
"In an infinite fractal of rotation, how do you define the center? Every
point is the center. You are the center of the Universe observing the
Universe from your very own center. Wherever you select a point of
observation in the fractal, that point becomes the center from which you
are observing the Universe. That point becomes stillness. Why
stillness? Because in that point now, all of the spins of the Universe
cancel out. You need stillness in order to have a frame of reference for
rotation. That is how singularity occurs. Singularity is the point at
the center of your experience. That is the point of stillness from which
you are observing the Universe."
Along with this were some other "universal consciousness" type posts that once again have got me thinking. I really enjoy being "universal." I love this perspective. But I just made a realization: the only reason why I keep tugging on the manifestation perspective is because I feel like I "need" it to be able to survive.
Think about it: we are drawn to manifestation because we feel unhappy with our lives. We feel like we're lacking or missing something. We feel like we don't have enough. So we want the power to fix that... to fill in the "missing" information. To fulfill the heart's desires.
Our society is built around earnings. It's a law of the world that if you can't pay for it, you can't have it. It reminds me of a quote I discovered several days ago: that we are born of/on Earth, but we have to pay to be able to live on it. Because of this system, we have been led to believe that we can't have something unless we can earn it. But guess what? This wasn't how things were back in the day. We were part of nature; therefore, we had just as much right to the land as every other living creature. We didn't separate ourselves from nature. All we were concerned with was being.
So what is manifestation, really? A desire to attract stuff that we feel would make us happy. Of course, in this society, we don't exactly have a choice. There's little to no sense of equality in this area of life, so we have to work our butts off to acquire what should be rightfully ours.
But if we take away the concept of manifestation, then we come to the idea that life is centered around being happy with what you have. Other life forms don't spend their time thinking about what they want to attract in their lives. They go with the moment, and deal with crap as it happens. They live simply: they sleep whenever they are tired, they eat whenever they're hungry, they bathe and play and ultimately exist.
I'm contemplating this because I've been thinking about the future again, as I stated before. There's a lot in motion that I'm trying to keep track of, and I have to admit I'm getting a little nervous because things are speeding along, and thanks to this society, I'm worried for my future. I know where I want to be. But are those desires what I should expect to occur? What is desire? What leads us to want something? There are ego-based desires and soul-based desires... those that come from pure passion for something. Ego-based desires are easy enough to make sense of. They come from the ego's need for more. But soul-based ones? That's pure feeling right there. To me, that expresses universal intent.
Adonai knows what it's like to just be. That's its natural state. But does it know what desire is? I don't think so. Because desire suggests that you are missing or lacking something. Adonai is the universe. Adonai doesn't lack anything. Maybe that's one of the pieces to the puzzle... physical existence allows us to experience desire.
What do we do with that desire, though? What is it meant to reflect?
Maybe "soul-based" desires aren't desires at all. But to understand this, I would have to over-stand the universal intent for incarnation. Physical life has a lot to offer for a presence like the universe. But does it come down to just being, or pursuing one's desires?
Will elaborate on this later...
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| by Emilie Leger |
Dream theme was centered around our upcoming Thanksgiving trip, although there was this certain "odd" element to it that I can't remember. Hm. Like something out of place, or eerie. Eh. Oh well.
After doing another reading, I once again spent the whole day yesterday playing Sims. I've been kind of hooked on the little vamp dude I've been playing. He has a bunch of vamp kids now, and a witch for a wife... they live in this really cool creepy manor in Moonlight Falls. Hahaha. But like with all things, I assume there's a reason why I feel so driven to play Sims now. In some ways it feels like I'm buying time... or maybe I should be observing what it is I'm doing.
I was in bed last night thinking about "experience" and the future and whatnot. It made me realize that I rarely - if ever - put my full attention and awareness into any experience. Of course, there are the moments I enjoy, but even still, I don't sit and make the conscious realization of how amazing it is to be able to have this kind of limited physical experience to begin with. And what was an even worse realization was that of knowing how often I try to avoid certain experiences. If I have no choice but to experience them, it's with a heavy heart, or fear, or irritation.
I know I'm not the only one. We seek that which is comfortable, so naturally, we like to avoid the uncomfortable experiences if we can anticipate them. Has this always been so, since the dawn of time? Or were we grateful that we got to experience death, or pain, or some kind of loss?
It's definitely a powerful concept that can seriously change one's life if applied. That would be the ultimate life lived - you would truly be fearless, for you would deliberately seek that which makes you uncomfortable, and accept it as a beautiful experience which then makes you not only more powerful, but more aware of yourself as the universe. It's a lovely thing to think about.
Granted, I'm still wondering about the whole manifestation thing. It makes me wonder if... ooh. Oh, whoa. I had a piece click into place there. I was thinking about gratitude. Remember back when I was playing with manifestation and I said gratitude might have a role to play in it? I'm beginning to see why, and I'm also beginning to see a connection with experience. Gratitude.. what's the point of being thankful? What do we earn out of feeling gratitude for something or someone? If we, as manifested pieces of Adonai, feel gratitude.. is that an extension of universal consciousness? Maybe gratitude, like love, is a permanent state of being for our true nature. I mean, if you were as powerful and infinite as the freaking universe, wouldn't you be grateful for your existence? I feel like love and gratitude are intertwined, because gratitude implies humility, and humility is something born out of compassion and respect.
Hmm. Certainly some interesting thoughts there. Maybe, it's through feeling gratitude that we are still able to manifest our desires, despite life not being about "purpose." We can still be a force with intent - it's just that that intent would be wanting to experience. And it's through manifesting as billions of faces with billions of stories that we get to live through billions of different experiences.
So now the big question still is: does pre-programming still apply? I think it still could. Think about it: even if Adonai has an "Earth story" already written out, it's not affecting our idea of experience. Adonai already knows it's limiting itself. We don't know the truth on Earth, so it wouldn't be a problem. We technically could have our own stories already written, but because of our limited state, we perceive it all as free will, spontaneity --
Whoa. Another thought. Spontaneity? Isn't that perception? Spontaneity is just as much a judgment/perception as anything else... So what if spontaneity is an ILLUSION? It's an illusion because we're limited, and we don't see the bigger picture. We sit here and think we're being spontaneous by going out clubbing instead of sitting home again for another lonely night, but is it spontaneous at all? It's probably pre-scripted and we're not even aware of it. Which makes you wonder - where do our impulses come from? Where do our decisions come from? What makes us decide: "I'm going to go out clubbing today"? Free will? Or is it pre-scripting?
I can't hope to over-stand this while in this limiting skin, but we all know time doesn't actually exist at our natural level, right? Which means as Adonai, we know the past, present, and future as one singular "time." This means that Adonai already knows how the "story" ends. It used a metaphor for me a while back. It was putting the idea of "no time" in perspective by saying one could view Earth like a storybook. If a story sits on your bookshelf, you can access it whenever you want to. You can open it up and read the beginning, the middle, and the end as many times as you want without altering the story. That's right - the story never changes. BUT, your perspective may change, or you may read something that you missed the first few times. I doubt the latter applies to Adonai though. Lol.
You know why I feel so strongly about this? Not just because it's been brought to my attention - introduced to my path. It's because simultaneously, I'm being shown the interconnectedness of all things, and somehow, I don't think it's coincidence that Earth has what it has. Think about it: why do you think story is such a powerful tool for us? Why do we have stories in so many forms? Why do we have symbolism and metaphors? To help tell those stories! We're so fixated on stories. We tell them, we act them out, we paint them, we sing, we gossip about our own experiences, we try to tell our own stories rather than the ones other people project onto us.
By nature, it seems, we are storytellers. It's rooted into us! But we can't tell stories if we don't have experiences to share - fictional or otherwise. Stories can't be told without experiences. The two go hand-in-hand!
So does it really matter if Adonai already knows the story? Of course not! Because it's experiencing its story firsthand through us. Through limiting skins. And that changes the perspective of the story drastically! Adonai is seeing all the things it missed... all the different perspectives... through us. As the author, it knows everything possible about the story in its purest form. But now, it's experiencing the story from the perspective of its characters, who are not only of its own making, but who contain their own perspectives in a limited, defined world.
This is how Adonai is "expressing" itself. This is how Adonai is "experiencing" itself... by living through the stories it's created on countless worlds.
And this is also why everything we know is set in stone. We don't have free will. We don't have spontaneous natures. We don't "change our minds" on accident. Nothing is ever an accident, just like nothing is ever a coincidence. It's all defined already. But it's not a painful thought to me at all. In fact, being an artist/writer... it all makes sense to me. Characters in a book don't think they're being controlled. They don't think their lives have already been shaped - but the author still plans out every detail, ensuring that the story is fabulous, ensuring that the characters are well-defined with each of their backstories and personalities and identities.
But because their lives have already been shaped, they know which direction to go in. So they progress, believing in the illusion of free will, because they're unaware that the force pulling them in a specific direction is the future that's already been written.
At least now I understand why I've been so into Sims these past few days. I mean, I actually got a little bored playing it while in school - and I hadn't even done everything. But all of a sudden, I feel inclined to play... and what do you do when you play Sims? YOU TELL STORIES. Regardless of whether you're aware of it, you're telling stories through your Sims' lives. Each action you have them do is telling a story... just like my witch Sim, Rowena, when she was having a midlife crisis yesterday. She wanted to divorce her husband, Elliot, and even though I sat there, pondered it, and thought about how cool of a "plot twist" that would be, I deliberately chose for her to stay with him, because I wasn't done with her yet.
And I'm sure it's not by chance or free will that all of this is coming together, either.
Now off to do a reading before playing with Elliot and Rowena. Hahaha.
Evaah
I pretty much played Sims Supernatural all day yesterday. I haven't done that in a long time. It was kind of refreshing.
My dream was loosely based on inspiration for Crucible, which I always welcome. I don't remember much of it, though. I was also going to meditate last night but ended up just listening to a dyaan for Shiva instead. I had a lot on my mind.
And speaking of that, I wanted to mention something first before I elaborate on the main topic... I realized recently that I'm still not 100% the person I'd like to be. I know change doesn't happen overnight, but in recent times, I've been experiencing a sort of "test" and for the life of me, I can't figure out what it's supposed to mean. It's happened before - a few times in fact - and I can only assume that it keeps coming back because I'm not making progress in the way that I should. They do say everything in your life is an echo. And this "test"... well. It's not bad, but it's frustrating, and I'm trying to figure out why this is. I think I have a general idea; however, I'm not sure the best way to approach it so that it stops happening - or, at least, I stop reacting negatively to it.
I think I just need to sit down and journal about it to examine the cause. But not here.
I want to elaborate on the whole "experience" perspective because I was thinking about it throughout the day yesterday, and things were beginning to make sense. I do have a few inquiries, though, so maybe Adonai will pop in with some answers like it usually does.
Let's assume that what I observed before is really true. We have no life purpose, or any overall plan that drives us to "do good" for the planet. What is this "calling" that many of us feel, then? I get the impression that this is the universe expressing its intent. Or maybe just expressing itself through this particular human skin? I mean, if you look around, there are billions upon trillions of instances where the universe is expressing itself on this planet alone. If it's all just a matter of experience and expression, then do we even need intent? Although, to be technical, the universe's existence itself is already intent. But I mean... nature just is. Nature experiences itself, and nature is the universe, too. Why wouldn't the same apply for us? Just because we're the wise and "complex" beings that we are doesn't mean we're separate from nature. I doubt we - as the universe - would make such an exception.
Nature doesn't have a "calling." Nature doesn't worry about the future or the past. It isn't fearful and accepts change with open arms. Perhaps this "calling" that many of us feel is the piece of Adonai within us yearning to express itself on its pure path - the one aligned with our true nature. We wouldn't feel a calling if we were already on the right path. And callings... they're not all about "doing good for the planet." They're about finding the path that truly resonates and speaks with us - that best reflects the instance of Adonai that we are.
I'll use myself as example... as an artist and writer, I want to create. I want to empower people through these methods, because I want us to remember who we are. But most of all, I want to be able to live simply, freely, able to create without having to worry about judgment, or bills, or sustaining myself. Wanting to create is something all of us want to do, because we are Creator. What about the wanting to empower people, though? Where does that come from? A yearning for change... There are millions of people who are trying to change the world. Is this yearning for change a physical manifestation of the universe trying to achieve balance?
Adonai, by nature, is a balanced force. And I already mentioned before that the universe's goal is to preserve this balance. Does this count for all physical worlds, too? Do we separate planets from the rest of the universe? Or, are they like our understanding of oneness: distinct, but ultimately from the same source? In which case, the answer would be: YES, Adonai cares about the balance of Earth.
So now I still wonder: do we have any sort of pre-programming? If the universe is expressing and experiencing itself, does it want pre-programming? Or does it want to be as spontaneous as possible? And if it's as spontaneous as possible, how would that ultimately affect our lives?
I'm just trying to put this in perspective, here. I'm definitely getting into some immense stuff, because I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around this (I'm probably on the right track then, lol). I can understand if we don't have purpose or "life plans." Okay, I get that. But does that mean we're not supposed to try to be something? That quote I found yesterday said: "Don't try to be anything at all."
Indeed, not being anything would be the ultimate experience of - well - experiencing. Because if we're trying to be someone/something, then we're deliberately carving out a specific path for ourselves, and hand-picking related experiences along with it. That means we're only experiencing a specific perimeter of experiences.
Here's the thing, though: do we have the capability of not being anyone in this current society? What happens when we learn to just enjoy the current moment... to enjoy existing and enjoy the experiences in the now, not the future? I'm assuming that if we were to take on this perspective, then things we've been taught to fear, such as poverty, theft, injuries, etc., would be seen as blessings - and/or good experiences.
But aren't we entitled to abundance? Ah. Think about that, though. For a second, you were implying financial abundance. Of course people want financial abundance - it's what we need to be able to sustain ourselves in such a society. When you think about it, we technically already have everything we could ever want in our purest form. Maybe the point of expressing/experiencing ourselves in the physical is to experience the exact opposite: not having everything. I mean, there's also other limiting experiences such as - oh, you know - not perceiving the whole universal existence. We experience love and negative feelings such as hatred, anger, depression, and so on...
Yeah. It's a bit scary. It's scary because I've been programmed to think that I need financial abundance to be able to sustain myself in this world. And even though I may not need a whole lot, it's still something I'm focusing on for the future - something I'm trying to manifest because I want to ensure I'm comfortable while doing the things I love.
Back in the day, we didn't think about the future. We thought only of the present and how we would survive. Each day was spent doing things that would ensure our survival... and when the next day came, we would just do the same thing. That very same concept has been reflected to us in nature for thousands of years up to this present day, reminding us of our need to live simply, to focus on each day as it comes and enjoy it to its fullest.
It's a really profound concept. It'll definitely take a while to digest, but hey - the same thing happened at the beginning of September. It's just amusing to me because I think back to all the things I used to run my life around: past lives, spirit guides, life purpose, soul lessons... and I realize now: none of that is necessary. Technically speaking, I mean. Of course, it was necessary to bring me to this current moment, but from the bigger picture, it's kind of sad that we "spiritual" folks get caught up in all this "self-work." Think about all the people at SF and beyond who get tangled up in past lives! Even if they are "your" past lives (I still don't think they are though), there's a reason why they're called past lives. And yet we believe that we have to learn something from such lives so that we don't "make the same mistakes."
Why NOT make the same mistakes? It only adds to your experiences. And from what I can see, experience is more valuable than knowledge.
Anywho. I'll let this stew for several days. This is another huge shift in my perspective and I can't hope to have it all make sense in only a couple days.
Evaah
