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| by escume @ deviantART |
Woke up to a bird alarm at my window this morning. It woke me at precisely 8:00. I'm impressed.
I drew a Mythic Oracle card today to see what energy of the Greek pantheon best represented the rest of this week, and was a little surprised by the result: Psyche, who represents sacred union. This card oozes tender love, because Eros is depicted with her, kissing her forehead. I'm not sure what to make of this unless this is a card focusing on self-love. I'd be interested to see what kind of signs and experiences come about during these next few days.
I just find this interesting because I was just reading Lulu's recent post, where she spoke of her companion in spirit, Ben. Of course, it got me thinking back to Shiva/Spike, which is funny, because I was lying in bed the other night reminiscing about the meditations I used to have in his presence... listening to his music and spending time in my "astral home," watching him with a book in his lap.
I've been somewhat expecting the whole guide thing to come back, but it hasn't yet. I do miss "the boys." I just... I don't know. It's hard to connect with "separation." I used to feel so passionate about Spike, and now, it feels so empty. It's not something I need, obviously. It's an old vibrational system. But it does make me wonder if an attraction to separation will return.
Speaking of guides, yesterday's livestream session was interesting, but I'll save that for my art blog.
In other news, I'm going shopping with my mom today. It's something that's been long overdue, because I need warm clothes. Shopping and I have a love/hate relationship. I love it because I love acquiring new clothes and fashions, but I hate it because I always have to keep money in mind. This makes me unwilling to go shopping at all. I'm hoping to find some decent stuff, though.
I've also caught myself up on series 5 of Merlin. Can I just say one thing? JESUS CHRIST. I watched all the way up through the 9th episode, which I believe catches me up with folks in the UK. And maaaaan. So many feels. I'm not sure my heart can take much more of this. Gwen's role in this series was wonderfully irritating; to be honest, I don't like her as queen. Hahaha. I mean, she's a sweetheart and everything (when she's not controlled by Morgana), but I liked her better as a servant. Also - MORDRED. Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, and sometimes I want to cuddle him. Agh.
I should also mention that I'm very impressed by Colin's acting. I love Bradley's performance, too, but Colin really nails it. When I watch film/TV, my attention is fixed to the eyes. The eyes and the physical gestures... but mainly eyes, because they're so revealing. Colin really has embraced his character, even down to the tiniest movements and glances. I freaking adored his performance as the old woman/sorceress in episode nine.
Anyway. Daily life aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my future (I know, I know, bad Evaah...) That whole destiny number thing really opened my eyes, while simultaneously answering questions I've had for many months. While everyone knows me first and foremost as a visual artist, I'm actually being pushed and inspired more in the area of writing... both fiction and non-fiction (spirituality). I mentioned before that I was feeling iffy about art because of the pressure I feel to turn it into a career of sorts, but I realize part of that feeling stems from art being a secondary passion.
When I'm gathering inspiration, it's for my writing. Rarely - if ever - is it for my art. Plus, my art as of late revolves around faces... portraits. Not counting schoolwork, of course. I just don't feel as motivated to work on my art. I feel the motivation for my writing, but when I think about art and having to learn anatomy, perspective, and all the things that make for good illustration, I feel a tug of resistance. I see it as work.
Of course, I did say that I would no longer see such things as "work." What I mean here is that compared to writing, art feels more like a chore. I don't feel like it's actually "me" or what I'm meant to be doing. I'm reminded of Tri's life purpose reading from a few months back. Should I remind myself which cards came up, and in what order?
- Books
- Flowers
- Spiritual Teacher
- Bodywork
- Support
- Talk to Your Angels
Very little about art. Creativity, yes. Creative inspiration (Flowers). I honestly don't think it's coincidence that the first three cards are based around writing, inspiring others, and spiritual teaching. It's something I've known at the root of my being for a while now.
I can't picture myself in the future. I can imagine where I'd like to be, but it's hard to see myself there. Even though I'm still trying to work out this whole idea of manifestation, I'm still doing everything in my power as Creator to draw my ideal future to me.
I'm not saying I'm going to give up on art. I'm sure art will help me on my path. I'm just saying that it's probably not going to be my main area of focus. It'll still be a passion, though.
There's a lot of thinking that needs to be done on this. A lot of research I need to do. But all in good time... for now, I'm going to enjoy a day of shopping with my mom, after which I will do whatever it is I feel like doing. I'm due to receive my Archeon deck today, so maybe I'll do the reading I owe someone on FB.
Evaah
I pretty much played Sims Supernatural all day yesterday. I haven't done that in a long time. It was kind of refreshing.
My dream was loosely based on inspiration for Crucible, which I always welcome. I don't remember much of it, though. I was also going to meditate last night but ended up just listening to a dyaan for Shiva instead. I had a lot on my mind.
And speaking of that, I wanted to mention something first before I elaborate on the main topic... I realized recently that I'm still not 100% the person I'd like to be. I know change doesn't happen overnight, but in recent times, I've been experiencing a sort of "test" and for the life of me, I can't figure out what it's supposed to mean. It's happened before - a few times in fact - and I can only assume that it keeps coming back because I'm not making progress in the way that I should. They do say everything in your life is an echo. And this "test"... well. It's not bad, but it's frustrating, and I'm trying to figure out why this is. I think I have a general idea; however, I'm not sure the best way to approach it so that it stops happening - or, at least, I stop reacting negatively to it.
I think I just need to sit down and journal about it to examine the cause. But not here.
I want to elaborate on the whole "experience" perspective because I was thinking about it throughout the day yesterday, and things were beginning to make sense. I do have a few inquiries, though, so maybe Adonai will pop in with some answers like it usually does.
Let's assume that what I observed before is really true. We have no life purpose, or any overall plan that drives us to "do good" for the planet. What is this "calling" that many of us feel, then? I get the impression that this is the universe expressing its intent. Or maybe just expressing itself through this particular human skin? I mean, if you look around, there are billions upon trillions of instances where the universe is expressing itself on this planet alone. If it's all just a matter of experience and expression, then do we even need intent? Although, to be technical, the universe's existence itself is already intent. But I mean... nature just is. Nature experiences itself, and nature is the universe, too. Why wouldn't the same apply for us? Just because we're the wise and "complex" beings that we are doesn't mean we're separate from nature. I doubt we - as the universe - would make such an exception.
Nature doesn't have a "calling." Nature doesn't worry about the future or the past. It isn't fearful and accepts change with open arms. Perhaps this "calling" that many of us feel is the piece of Adonai within us yearning to express itself on its pure path - the one aligned with our true nature. We wouldn't feel a calling if we were already on the right path. And callings... they're not all about "doing good for the planet." They're about finding the path that truly resonates and speaks with us - that best reflects the instance of Adonai that we are.
I'll use myself as example... as an artist and writer, I want to create. I want to empower people through these methods, because I want us to remember who we are. But most of all, I want to be able to live simply, freely, able to create without having to worry about judgment, or bills, or sustaining myself. Wanting to create is something all of us want to do, because we are Creator. What about the wanting to empower people, though? Where does that come from? A yearning for change... There are millions of people who are trying to change the world. Is this yearning for change a physical manifestation of the universe trying to achieve balance?
Adonai, by nature, is a balanced force. And I already mentioned before that the universe's goal is to preserve this balance. Does this count for all physical worlds, too? Do we separate planets from the rest of the universe? Or, are they like our understanding of oneness: distinct, but ultimately from the same source? In which case, the answer would be: YES, Adonai cares about the balance of Earth.
So now I still wonder: do we have any sort of pre-programming? If the universe is expressing and experiencing itself, does it want pre-programming? Or does it want to be as spontaneous as possible? And if it's as spontaneous as possible, how would that ultimately affect our lives?
I'm just trying to put this in perspective, here. I'm definitely getting into some immense stuff, because I'm having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around this (I'm probably on the right track then, lol). I can understand if we don't have purpose or "life plans." Okay, I get that. But does that mean we're not supposed to try to be something? That quote I found yesterday said: "Don't try to be anything at all."
Indeed, not being anything would be the ultimate experience of - well - experiencing. Because if we're trying to be someone/something, then we're deliberately carving out a specific path for ourselves, and hand-picking related experiences along with it. That means we're only experiencing a specific perimeter of experiences.
Here's the thing, though: do we have the capability of not being anyone in this current society? What happens when we learn to just enjoy the current moment... to enjoy existing and enjoy the experiences in the now, not the future? I'm assuming that if we were to take on this perspective, then things we've been taught to fear, such as poverty, theft, injuries, etc., would be seen as blessings - and/or good experiences.
But aren't we entitled to abundance? Ah. Think about that, though. For a second, you were implying financial abundance. Of course people want financial abundance - it's what we need to be able to sustain ourselves in such a society. When you think about it, we technically already have everything we could ever want in our purest form. Maybe the point of expressing/experiencing ourselves in the physical is to experience the exact opposite: not having everything. I mean, there's also other limiting experiences such as - oh, you know - not perceiving the whole universal existence. We experience love and negative feelings such as hatred, anger, depression, and so on...
Yeah. It's a bit scary. It's scary because I've been programmed to think that I need financial abundance to be able to sustain myself in this world. And even though I may not need a whole lot, it's still something I'm focusing on for the future - something I'm trying to manifest because I want to ensure I'm comfortable while doing the things I love.
Back in the day, we didn't think about the future. We thought only of the present and how we would survive. Each day was spent doing things that would ensure our survival... and when the next day came, we would just do the same thing. That very same concept has been reflected to us in nature for thousands of years up to this present day, reminding us of our need to live simply, to focus on each day as it comes and enjoy it to its fullest.
It's a really profound concept. It'll definitely take a while to digest, but hey - the same thing happened at the beginning of September. It's just amusing to me because I think back to all the things I used to run my life around: past lives, spirit guides, life purpose, soul lessons... and I realize now: none of that is necessary. Technically speaking, I mean. Of course, it was necessary to bring me to this current moment, but from the bigger picture, it's kind of sad that we "spiritual" folks get caught up in all this "self-work." Think about all the people at SF and beyond who get tangled up in past lives! Even if they are "your" past lives (I still don't think they are though), there's a reason why they're called past lives. And yet we believe that we have to learn something from such lives so that we don't "make the same mistakes."
Why NOT make the same mistakes? It only adds to your experiences. And from what I can see, experience is more valuable than knowledge.
Anywho. I'll let this stew for several days. This is another huge shift in my perspective and I can't hope to have it all make sense in only a couple days.
Evaah
