The Thinker

"The Thinker" - by marctist @ deviantART

I wanted to elaborate for myself my current issues with this whole art and writing thing.

I suppose I should first say that I'm not so sure anymore what I'm "meant" to be doing. I had this grand old plan for a good solid year; I guess I was naive to think that it wouldn't change. But since I find myself changing - if not just a bit - I also find that my interests and desires are shifting, too.

I have never been happy with the way I draw. People in class always give me compliments, especially about how I have my own defined "style," but in all honesty, I hate my style. So it's very aggravating when my professor continues to say that my work is very stylized (although it is an illustration class), because it's a style I don't like, and can't seem to break out of.

But when I think about it, I don't know what kind of style I would want, which would be best suited for the material I plan on producing. See, I learned something in art school (go figure): all the best artists were/are known for doing this one thing fabulously - be it subject matter, style, or medium. I always thought it would be cool to be a "jack-of-all-trades" artist, where I can do many things fabulously, and can be utilized for a number of needs. It's what I'm most interested in, I think. After sitting in my 20th century art class, however, I've come to realize that in order to make an impact on this world, I need to have a strong message, which means that I need to pick something that will define me. 

I do have that "something" in mind, but now my question is: how do I approach it? I am definitely an independent artist. I don't want to work for or with anyone. I received some ideas in the shower the other day that might prove beneficial. I don't know. 

The problem is, I feel like I'm in a rush. I feel like I have to be amazing now, because if I'm not, I can't set myself up for that dream life I want. I suppose this is one of my biggest "flaws" - yet all the wisdom I've received in past months has been telling me to slow down, enjoy the ride, and acquire all the experience I can, even if the situation isn't ideal. 

Remember back when I said I was interested in starting an art blog? I've been thinking about that again recently, along with "identity." In the past, I wanted an identity for myself that didn't utilize my real name, because I don't resonate with my real name. But aside from E.R. and P.R., I can't decide on another "meaningful" name. I thought: "Why not just go with my real name?" Most people won't be able to pronounce it.. but then again, there have been plenty of artists in the past whose names we can't pronounce. 

But I digress. Long story short, I've been thinking about that art blog again, because I feel like it'd be a good way to document my process and development and also a way to get my name out there. People like that - they like seeing the process. They want to get in behind-the-scenes and see how fabulous works of art or film were produced. 

As far as writing goes... I'm feeling very lost. I can't really describe it, but I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps writing is the wrong method. I love stories. I'm a storyteller. I love creating fabulous worlds - especially fantasy ones. But when it comes to actually sitting down and writing something meaningful, something awesome and inspiring and that fits together perfectly, I lose hope and motivation. Is that my problem? Am I focused too much on it being publishable? Or should I just be trying a different medium, such as visual storytelling? 

I'm not a fan of sequential style, but perhaps "visual" storytelling - simply telling a story through illustrations - would be a good alternative. Hmm. No. That should be something else entirely, for projects that aren't as elaborate and complex as, say, Crucible or Winterspell. 

So yeah. I'm at a loss with this writing thing right now. Maybe I should just put it in the back of my mind. Maybe the answers will come later. I think I should enjoy not writing. World-building, yes. I could do that. Ideas for worlds and plots come through all the time. There's no harm in writing them down. But as far as actually weaving together a story goes... that'll have to wait until I can clear my head and gain some perspective.

One little side note before I end this post: I have to say, I'm actually kind of excited to be living alone. I'm terrified of having to handle everything myself, because I'm afraid of people taking advantage of me, but I realize that I can finally do almost everything I want to do in daily life without having my parents around to judge, criticize, or mock me. I can eat what I want, do readings without worrying about being walked in on, meditate in peace, and so on. It'll be a huge adjustment/learning curve, but I really have to focus on this sense of adventure, of breaking out of the familiar. So I say: bring it on. 

A day of GW2 awaits!     

Goddess of the Soul

by escume @ deviantART

Woke up to a bird alarm at my window this morning. It woke me at precisely 8:00. I'm impressed.

I drew a Mythic Oracle card today to see what energy of the Greek pantheon best represented the rest of this week, and was a little surprised by the result: Psyche, who represents sacred union. This card oozes tender love, because Eros is depicted with her, kissing her forehead. I'm not sure what to make of this unless this is a card focusing on self-love. I'd be interested to see what kind of signs and experiences come about during these next few days.

I just find this interesting because I was just reading Lulu's recent post, where she spoke of her companion in spirit, Ben. Of course, it got me thinking back to Shiva/Spike, which is funny, because I was lying in bed the other night reminiscing about the meditations I used to have in his presence... listening to his music and spending time in my "astral home," watching him with a book in his lap. 

I've been somewhat expecting the whole guide thing to come back, but it hasn't yet. I do miss "the boys." I just... I don't know. It's hard to connect with "separation." I used to feel so passionate about Spike, and now, it feels so empty. It's not something I need, obviously. It's an old vibrational system. But it does make me wonder if an attraction to separation will return. 

Speaking of guides, yesterday's livestream session was interesting, but I'll save that for my art blog. 

In other news, I'm going shopping with my mom today. It's something that's been long overdue, because I need warm clothes. Shopping and I have a love/hate relationship. I love it because I love acquiring new clothes and fashions, but I hate it because I always have to keep money in mind. This makes me unwilling to go shopping at all. I'm hoping to find some decent stuff, though. 

I've also caught myself up on series 5 of Merlin. Can I just say one thing? JESUS CHRIST. I watched all the way up through the 9th episode, which I believe catches me up with folks in the UK. And maaaaan. So many feels. I'm not sure my heart can take much more of this. Gwen's role in this series was wonderfully irritating; to be honest, I don't like her as queen. Hahaha. I mean, she's a sweetheart and everything (when she's not controlled by Morgana), but I liked her better as a servant. Also - MORDRED. Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, and sometimes I want to cuddle him. Agh.

I should also mention that I'm very impressed by Colin's acting. I love Bradley's performance, too, but Colin really nails it. When I watch film/TV, my attention is fixed to the eyes. The eyes and the physical gestures... but mainly eyes, because they're so revealing. Colin really has embraced his character, even down to the tiniest movements and glances. I freaking adored his performance as the old woman/sorceress in episode nine. 

Anyway. Daily life aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my future (I know, I know, bad Evaah...) That whole destiny number thing really opened my eyes, while simultaneously answering questions I've had for many months. While everyone knows me first and foremost as a visual artist, I'm actually being pushed and inspired more in the area of writing... both fiction and non-fiction (spirituality). I mentioned before that I was feeling iffy about art because of the pressure I feel to turn it into a career of sorts, but I realize part of that feeling stems from art being a secondary passion. 

When I'm gathering inspiration, it's for my writing. Rarely - if ever - is it for my art. Plus, my art as of late revolves around faces... portraits. Not counting schoolwork, of course. I just don't feel as motivated to work on my art. I feel the motivation for my writing, but when I think about art and having to learn anatomy, perspective, and all the things that make for good illustration, I feel a tug of resistance. I see it as work.

Of course, I did say that I would no longer see such things as "work." What I mean here is that compared to writing, art feels more like a chore. I don't feel like it's actually "me" or what I'm meant to be doing. I'm reminded of Tri's life purpose reading from a few months back. Should I remind myself which cards came up, and in what order?

1. Books
2. Flowers
3. Spiritual Teacher
4. Bodywork
5. Support
6. Talk to Your Angels

Very little about art. Creativity, yes. Creative inspiration (Flowers). I honestly don't think it's coincidence that the first three cards are based around writing, inspiring others, and spiritual teaching. It's something I've known at the root of my being for a while now. 

I can't picture myself in the future. I can imagine where I'd like to be, but it's hard to see myself there. Even though I'm still trying to work out this whole idea of manifestation, I'm still doing everything in my power as Creator to draw my ideal future to me. 

I'm not saying I'm going to give up on art. I'm sure art will help me on my path. I'm just saying that it's probably not going to be my main area of focus. It'll still be a passion, though.

There's a lot of thinking that needs to be done on this. A lot of research I need to do. But all in good time... for now, I'm going to enjoy a day of shopping with my mom, after which I will do whatever it is I feel like doing. I'm due to receive my Archeon deck today, so maybe I'll do the reading I owe someone on FB.

Evaah

Dark Night of the Artist's Soul

"Infinite Brightness" - by sovarial @ dA

Well, I'd say I'm about 99% recovered today. No pain or discomfort but I'm not taking that as a sign that everything's completely healed. I'll keep up a few of my treatments for a couple more days and then I should be back to normal. 

I was very productive yesterday - that made me happy. Ten pages of Crucible world-building and notes taken on guide-based readings. Though I have to admit... after the crap that happened this past week, I have very little desire to work on these readings now. I mean, deep down, I'd really like to do them, but I'm so fixated on other things - especially Crucible, now that my ideas are lining up. Plus, the Luminous class is being released on Wednesday, which means after that, I'll be spending hours leveling it and unwilling to do much else. 

It just makes me wonder. I always prided myself in having spirit/psychic art being my "talent" - that one thing that I do very well. But every time I sit down to actually complete the painting, I feel resistance. A lack of enthusiasm. In other words, I see it as work to be done, and I feel a little unmotivated because I want to be doing other things. It makes me wonder what the deal is. I suspect it has to do with having to attend school - because school eats away so much of my free time, which means when I do actually get time to myself, I'm using it to catch up on personal activities such as my own writing and art. 

To be honest, I've been feeling very iffy about art in general. Because it's not my primary passion, I'm not as skilled right now as I'd like to be, but at the same time, I'm very unmotivated when it comes to actually developing the skill. I love drawing - I really do - but I think the pressure of having to turn it into a career to be able to sustain myself has thrown me off balance. It reminds me of last night, when I was speaking to my dad. He asked me what I'd been doing upstairs since it was the first day in the past few days that I'd been back at my desk, and I told him I was world-building. What does he say in return?

"Oh, you mean wasting your life?"

And he laughed. I kinda stood there blankly for a moment, a little irked by his response. Then I told him it wasn't funny and returned upstairs.

My dad has little faith in my passion for writing. He told me a few years ago that he couldn't judge accurately because I don't share my writing (and for good reason). Okay, fair enough. But time after time he'll make remarks about how I should be focusing on "my craft" since I'm in school for it and because it'll be the thing that earns me a career in life. In my opinion, though, my "craft" is my writing, because it's my most powerful weapon, and my primary source of empowerment. 

I was lying in bed last night thinking about Crucible and all the other stories I might one day publish, and realized I would have to be extremely creative and/or philosophical to be able to write more stories that would have a decent impact on the world. Crucible is my baby, and my most powerful project, because it's a reflection of my own life and observations. But after that... what will come next?

I know it's future-based thinking. Maybe I shouldn't even be considering it. But as long as this stupid system exists, I'm going to have to be able to sustain myself. And considering that my parents are freaked out that I won't be able to do that without a degree, it'd be nice to have either a range of things or one big thing to earn me income. 

I can't say where I'll be skill-wise once I graduate. I'll always have my hopes and dreams to dictate where I'd like to be, but in all honesty, I won't know until I get there. Crucible is going to take a while to write, especially if things keep changing, and I can't determine whether I'll be passionate enough to continue art readings for people. It's hard to say. 

It does make me think back to manifestation. The pre-scripting perspective made me wonder how manifestation fits in to all this. To be honest, I couldn't come up with a satisfactory or fitting answer. I would have to sit and contemplate the laws of nature/universe to be able to do so... creating like from like, maintaining balance, that sort of thing.

I just... I'm losing faith in my art. I adore it to death and I'm an artist by nature, but I just feel so uncreative and unoriginal. And that's scary in a world that demands perfection, originality, skill, talent, power. If I didn't have to worry about this, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way. I'd be creating art for the sake of creating art. And maybe that's what I should be keeping in mind. It's like that quote I found on tumblr: "I want to paint because I want to, not because I have something to prove." 

As an artist in the 21st century, my thoughts have been programmed to center around one main idea: develop your skill so that you can sustain yourself. The second idea revolves around changing/influencing the world, but that's not as strong as the idea of sustaining oneself. Ensuring survival. Ensuring you have enough to keep yourself happy and comfortable. Even with Crucible, I'm thinking: "This project will earn me a really good income." While the main goal is to empower people, the idea of money comes first because hey - I need to make a living, right? 

It makes me wonder: is this why I'm uncreative and unoriginal? Will my creativity flow endlessly when I stop working for the sake of survival and start working just for the sake of creating something beautiful? I'd be curious to see how this method of thinking has affected other artists and their careers. I've listened to/read some interviews about some well-known artists who share similar methods of thinking - you know, "Oh, I just do what I love." 

Is that my problem? I say I do what I love, but when it actually comes to creating art in its various forms, my main thought is: "I have to be good at this so that I can make a living."

I bet if I look around, I'll find signs telling me that yes, this is the case. When I'm creating art - or writing - my thoughts are influenced by anxiety, because I become so concerned about inadvertently stealing someone else's idea, or I worry that something isn't original enough, or that I have to make a statement with my project that will have an impact on the world.

Is that really necessary? I can't live like that. Creating art is what allows one to nourish oneself as Creator. The fact that we have the capability of creating is a blessing in itself. Yet in this awful modern society, we become so attached to our creative property, and therefore become bitter when we find someone who shares a similar idea. 

This is why so many artists feel hopeless. This is why so many parents despair when their children want to become artists. As an artist, we have to make a living selling our creative property - most often to other people who barely give us any credit. We are expected to give our energy away for free, just because we have the label "artist" attached to us.

I could go on, but I don't think I need to, since I've found my answer. From here on out, I'm going to focus on creating art for the sake of creating something beautiful and meaningful - something appropriate for the face of Adonai that I am.

So yes, dad. I will spend my time doing what I love, even if you think I'm "wasting my life." 

Evaah        

 

That Didn't Last Long

"Firebrand" by Kimberley Petrie

So yesterday I sat down with Threnody and inched my way through about 800 words before I realized there was no way in hell I was going to reach 50,000 when I didn't know what the crap I was talking about. 

I just have a really hard time trying to write a story without any information. I mean, even though Nanowrimo is about quantity, not quality, I still want the story to be kind of complete plot and world-wise, so it does me no good to just BS my way through, writing whatever comes to mind. 

So I'm putting aside Threnody to work on in the future and falling back on Crucible, which is my biggest, dearest, most thoroughly thought-out project I have. I started it when I was sixteen, and it's changed quite a bit over the last three years - it was basically evolving with me. Essentially, it still has the same themes, but after working on it on-and-off for the past few years, I still haven't found the best way to tell such a story. I see that as a good thing, because it means whenever I do finish this story, it'll be fabulous. It'll have an impact or make a difference. It might not be as big as Harry Potter or - cringe - Twilight, but at least I'll be happy knowing that I took the time to make it as perfect as possible, rather than rushing through it just for the sake of making a profit. 

Which leads me to wonder... how many authors today spend years on their work? I'm not much of a reader - not because I dislike reading, but because I'm usually doing other things - so I don't keep on top of what authors do in today's day and age. J.K. Rowling spent five years working on Harry Potter. But she had technically already been writing for the majority of her life, so she had the experience. Tolkien spent over ten years working on Lord of the Rings, although I understand he had been world-building for about thirty years. However, these two were writing before the "extreme digital age," where it wasn't as easy to get published. 

I guess I should do a bit of research on this. I understand self-publishing is a big thing now, so because of that, I would imagine people don't spend as much time turning their projects into something seriously beautiful. 

I want my projects to be quality ones. When I was younger, I was fixated on "publishing young" and publishing fast. I wanted my work out there ASAP, but of course I never got anywhere because I didn't put much thought into what I was actually writing. I assumed I could just write and that it would all come to me.

Good writing requires effort. It requires research, hours upon hours of note-taking and contemplation. It requires countless drafts and the willingness to scrap things that don't work, despite possibly having an attachment to them. It requires work. Do you need to write well to become a best-seller? Of course not. Twilight is a perfect example of that. I'll give Meyer a break, though - I don't enjoy bashing the work of others. 

So yeah. Crucible seems to be the project I need to focus on right now, so that's what I'll stick with for Nano. I'm trying to get as much writing in as possible this weekend because I know my weekdays won't allow me to write as much...

In other news, I did a sun meditation today. I didn't actually go outside, because it was a bit chilly, but in autumn/winter, the sun floods my room, so I sat and basked in it. Took in its healing light for several minutes. Then, I moved out of the sun, kept my eyes closed, and experieced this weird "shift" where my inner eye was flooded with violet/lavender (compliment of yellow), and I felt like I was receding into myself. It was weird, but cool. So I focused on this sensation of being "inside my mind." Might do this daily if I can, because I could use the sunlight. 

My card readings are coming along. Psychic Tarot is probably the easiest one to use for most requests because it can pretty much apply to anything, and offers a bit more specific detail than my other decks. Gita is really meant only for wisdom/guidance, and Mythic Oracle tends to be really general, so I might need to start focusing on the energies of these deities and figures to see what they have to say. Same with Fallen Angels, because I've noticed that the few readings I gave with this deck - well, people weren't resonating as much with the information. I suppose I just need more practice to get accustomed to the cards.

Eight more days of class. Holy crap.

Evaah 

Countdown

Well, now that October's basically over (in 2 hours anyway), Nanowrimo will now be the center of my life for the next month. 

Yeah. I take it pretty seriously. I'm kind of fiercely competitive when it comes to word count, too. So I'm going to spring awake tomorrow morning and write as much as I can before I spend the next 6-7 hours at school. I hope I can get a good lead on the writing buddies I have living out in the west. Lol. 

One of the reasons I love Nano so much is because it gets me pumped up for writing. It puts pressure on me, and when I have that pressure - or sense of competition - I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goal. And since writing is something I've wanted to do since I was little, it's nice to know that I can come up with a whole novel in a month (usually less than a month, but in the past four years, I always had a good idea of what I was writing because it had been a project I'd been working on for months in advance - plotwork and whatnot). Plus, I like all the excitement behind it - it's so awesome - yet intimidating - to see so many people wanting to write books of their own. Intimidating because it's scary to think about all the things these people are writing about. Is it anything close to what I'm writing about? What if these people get published? Then I might get someone trying to sue me for inadvertently writing about something similar. Because you know... people love to sue.

It makes me wonder what life would be like if everything truly was paradise. If we still wrote books - and why wouldn't we - would people be so nasty to each other over creative property? Or would we finally just be able to appreciate a good story, even if some elements are inspired by another tale? Same applies to art and music. I would think if it were really peace on Earth, people would just express compassion and appreciation. Some of you might be snickering to yourself, in which case I'll link you to a relevant post on my sister blog. 

But paradise aside, that's why I'm glad I'm in the spiritual fiction department. Not that many people are gutsy enough to attempt to write - or even publish - fiction with a lot of spiritual elements to it. This isn't a matter of "guts" for me, though. This is just something I know I have to do, both for myself and as part of my quest to empower others. Plus, it's something I enjoy. 

So yeah. I had a pretty good day today. Critique went well. Came home and had absolutely nothing to do. Mom got us some sushi, and I curled up in front of a few episodes of Supernatural. Also did a few readings, two of which were for J. I was supposed to knock out a few more on my list, but eh. As long as I do at least one or so a day, I think people will be happy. 

9 days and counting!
Now excuse me while I go figure out how I'm going to start my novel in the morning. 

Evaah