Artist Troubles

by satanarchist @ deviantART

Not an entirely relevant topic, but it does have a significant impact on my life, so I'm writing about it here. Feel free to ignore this one if you'd like. 

Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

A while back I had this whole spiel about pen names/artist names/pseudonyms and how I would establish myself as an artist in this world. Well... as I was getting myself organized with a new art blog, I was beginning to have second thoughts about my "identity." P.R. was always first and foremost a pen name for me. So sitting here with a blog utilizing P.R. as an artist name... well, it has me feeling hesitant.

Okay. I should back up. A little while ago, I was trying to create myself a new gmail account for this new art blog, but Google kept prompting me to give them a phone number for verification, which I did not want to do (I think it's because I have two Google accounts already), so I went and made another hotmail account under the P.R. name. Because it's hotmail, and not a Google account, I couldn't make another blogspot, so I decided to run with WordPress after some research (whether artists tend to utilize WordPress). 

I picked up some helpful tips on how to gain exposure as an artist, and after creating that WordPress blog, I began sprucing it up, and got to the "About" page before I realized: 

Holy crap. Should I really be using P.R. as an artist name?  

It was definitely a question that stopped me in my tracks. I kept rereading what I had written about myself, and then contemplating how this would all work out in the future. After all, I'm an illustration student, and there may be a chance I work "professionally" for a certain period of time (although I like to think this won't happen). If this is the case, wouldn't it be more professional to use my real name?

This is a huge deal to me. I always went with P.R. up until now because I was/am a student. My technical work is average - maybe a step above decent. So it didn't bother me that I used an artist name, because I didn't have anything spectacular to show. I was just a student trying to improve her skill.

But now... I'm almost halfway done with my schooling, and even if I am successful enough with my own ambitions so that I don't have to take on a "professional" job as an illustrator, there's still the matter of identity - or presentation - to consider. I wondered first if acquiring a pseudonym as an artist was a wise thing to do in terms of copyright and whatnot. Unfortunately, a lot of that is over my head, which means I have a lot of reading to do. 

Ugh. I have too much to say about this. My thoughts are all over the place. I've been doing quite a bit of research today on copyright, art thievery, pseudonyms/pen names, how to gain exposure, and so on... it's all very complicated and part of me just wants to give up, to throw in the towel and say "Screw it, I'll just spend the rest of my life as a slave like everyone else."

I've been doing a lot of comparing, seeing how artists put their work out there. I've seen plenty of artists posting artwork relating to a novel (or series of novels) they haven't even published yet, which makes me very nervous - and it isn't even my own work. It's a bit frightening to think of the millions of people who prowl the internet each day, stealing ideas from others to use for their own gain. Of course, it wouldn't be such a big deal if we were all respectful of each other's ideas (and didn't have to pay bills). But unfortunately, society hasn't changed yet in that area, so I will continue to guard my precious work until I know for certain it's copyrighted.

That's why I was agonizing over the idea of having a blog to begin with. But then, I look at all the well-known artists who post their work without a moment's hesitation, because that's how they gain exposure. You need people to see your work if you expect support. I can't be a "successful" artist without people knowing about what I do.

That still brings me back to the whole thing about identity, though. I could just make this really easy and use my real name for everything, but that would make me unhappy. Sure, I could use it for my "professional" work; however, what qualifies as "professional"? If I do end up freelancing or working for a company of some sort, I'm going to need a portfolio, and if I'm working under a pseudonym, will that lead to confusion? Will I even be hired? I can't run a blog/website under a pseudonym and then use the same works for a professional portfolio using my real name/identity. I feel like that would cause a lot of trouble.

So now I'm at a loss. There are plenty of artists out there who draw for the sake of drawing under cute, silly, serious, wacky usernames. But what happens when it comes to professional work? Do they still use those names, or do they switch to their real name? Do they hide behind a pseudonym?

Unless something changes, P.R. will still remain my pen name. I will let people assume I am male; that means nothing to me. But as far as art is concerned... I'm struggling, here. It's not uncommon for artists to take on several pseudonyms as means of preventing confusion amongst fans (e.g. one name for watercolor painting and another for classical portraiture). So what does that mean for me? As an artist, my interests are varied. My primary interest lies in creating art for the stories I write, but I don't want to disclose too much information about those worlds until they're actually published.

In fact, I was reading about that today, too. If I do post any artwork relating to stories I want published, I have to be very careful about what I post, because that may interfere with my ability to get published, assuming I go the traditional route and not the self-publishing route (although I'm leaning toward the latter only so I don't get screwed over). 

Damn it. So what do I post? Should I even share my art at all? Do I take on different pseudonyms like I would prefer, or do I just go the "professional" route and use my real name? 

I need exposure if I'm going to fulfill my ambitions. But because of my varied interests and goals, the matter of "identity" poses as a pretty big problem. My parents will expect me to commit to a job as an illustrator of sorts, and will therefore expect me to use my real name. 

Aghhh. I don't know. This would be much easier if I was just a writer, because then it'd be easy: one pen name. But nope. Aspiring author, spirit artist, spiritual blogger, potential professional illustrator, and passionate artist of varied forms all in one. 

Maybe answers for this will come later... hm.  

Flora

by pixiecold @ deviantART

Another unproductive morning of gaming... but that's all right, because it's giving me more inspiration for Winterspell, which, I must admit, is coming along nicely. A lot better than Crucible, anyway.

This morning's dream was once again based on shopping. If I'm not at school, I'm at a store of some sort. But the theme behind this one was independence. 

I always find it interesting how my dream themes tend to repeat. The last time this happened was during the summer, when I kept having dreams about my family - particularly RJ's. It's clear that my priorities right now in the subconscious world are relating to career, job opportunities, and ways to establish myself in the world. 

Which brings me to my main topic: thanks to a deviant I watch on dA, I had a bit of a revelation when it comes to my art. See, this deviant decided she would leave dA, because she claimed to be sick of the site it's become - how it's primarily a fandom-centered site, and how she is tired of being herded around like a llama by her watchers, etc. I do agree with her in some ways. I haven't posted anything to dA since August. I used to be obsessed (well, not really obsessed) with posting things on dA. I wanted to network and put my name out there like any other artist. I wanted people other than my friends and family to know my work. 

But this deviant made me realize something: I'm not the artist I want to be, and I haven't really made much progress in establishing my presence in the artistic world. 

In other words: I care too much what people think.

This actually plays on a recent realization I made for myself - about doing things for myself, about putting my heart into my work, and creating art for the sake of creating art - not because I have something to prove, or have a reputation to build, or money to be made. 

I reflect on the time I've spent at dA. I've bounced through four different accounts (maybe five - can't remember): one was based on my old high school fashion; one was based on Pokemon art; one was based on crappy personal art and my present account consists of a mix of schoolwork and story-based art (most of which I deleted in order to ensure my creative material isn't jacked by thieves). 

However, in recent times, I find myself not as drawn to dA. I'm really only there to keep an eye on the people I watch, because despite what I do, I still haven't established myself there. Fortunately, I have enough respect for others to not play them like some other deviants do; by this, I mean, go on a fave spree through the "newest deviations" section just to lure amateur artists to your page, or give out a buttload of llama badges for the same reason, or watch a whole bunch of amateurs because you know they'll watch you back. I tried the whole group thing for a while, but that didn't earn me a whole lot of recognition; plus, it got tiring having to remember which groups had what submission policies. 

So I guess the conclusion I've drawn for myself is that I should find somewhere else to build up a reputation. I was thinking about tumblr, but the fear I have with tumblr is that the credits will be removed... unless I watermark my stuff (speaking of which, I don't know why that pisses so many people off - you'd think people would understand in a world of creative thievery). I supposed I could also follow the footsteps of certain other artists and make another blogspot for it. I don't feel "professional" enough to have my own website. 

But it's not just a matter of finding ways to get my name out there. It's also a matter of what it is I actually produce. I feel like I'm in the process of being reborn as a visual artist... like I should expect my interests, tastes, preferences, and so on to change. I haven't been satisfied with my work for a long time, and I think something fresh and new is needed. Something that will excite me - something that resonates better.

Most of all, though, I need to stop caring what other people think. Artists are not born to satisfy others... it is by doing what we do for ourselves that we make an impact on others. I need to stop creating for others and start creating for myself.

So yes. A change is needed. Maybe I'll remove myself from dA in the meantime and see how tumblr or another blog goes. I haven't had any particularly bad experiences with dA, but it's becoming more of a site for anime, cosplay, and fanart, and I feel like its professionalism has decreased dramatically since I first joined. I'll still stick around to see what the deviants I watch produce, but I probably won't post there anymore. No one has ever expressed much interest in my stuff, anyway.

Time for some veggie stew and a bit of Merlin.
    

Dark Night of the Artist's Soul

"Infinite Brightness" - by sovarial @ dA

Well, I'd say I'm about 99% recovered today. No pain or discomfort but I'm not taking that as a sign that everything's completely healed. I'll keep up a few of my treatments for a couple more days and then I should be back to normal. 

I was very productive yesterday - that made me happy. Ten pages of Crucible world-building and notes taken on guide-based readings. Though I have to admit... after the crap that happened this past week, I have very little desire to work on these readings now. I mean, deep down, I'd really like to do them, but I'm so fixated on other things - especially Crucible, now that my ideas are lining up. Plus, the Luminous class is being released on Wednesday, which means after that, I'll be spending hours leveling it and unwilling to do much else. 

It just makes me wonder. I always prided myself in having spirit/psychic art being my "talent" - that one thing that I do very well. But every time I sit down to actually complete the painting, I feel resistance. A lack of enthusiasm. In other words, I see it as work to be done, and I feel a little unmotivated because I want to be doing other things. It makes me wonder what the deal is. I suspect it has to do with having to attend school - because school eats away so much of my free time, which means when I do actually get time to myself, I'm using it to catch up on personal activities such as my own writing and art. 

To be honest, I've been feeling very iffy about art in general. Because it's not my primary passion, I'm not as skilled right now as I'd like to be, but at the same time, I'm very unmotivated when it comes to actually developing the skill. I love drawing - I really do - but I think the pressure of having to turn it into a career to be able to sustain myself has thrown me off balance. It reminds me of last night, when I was speaking to my dad. He asked me what I'd been doing upstairs since it was the first day in the past few days that I'd been back at my desk, and I told him I was world-building. What does he say in return?

"Oh, you mean wasting your life?"

And he laughed. I kinda stood there blankly for a moment, a little irked by his response. Then I told him it wasn't funny and returned upstairs.

My dad has little faith in my passion for writing. He told me a few years ago that he couldn't judge accurately because I don't share my writing (and for good reason). Okay, fair enough. But time after time he'll make remarks about how I should be focusing on "my craft" since I'm in school for it and because it'll be the thing that earns me a career in life. In my opinion, though, my "craft" is my writing, because it's my most powerful weapon, and my primary source of empowerment. 

I was lying in bed last night thinking about Crucible and all the other stories I might one day publish, and realized I would have to be extremely creative and/or philosophical to be able to write more stories that would have a decent impact on the world. Crucible is my baby, and my most powerful project, because it's a reflection of my own life and observations. But after that... what will come next?

I know it's future-based thinking. Maybe I shouldn't even be considering it. But as long as this stupid system exists, I'm going to have to be able to sustain myself. And considering that my parents are freaked out that I won't be able to do that without a degree, it'd be nice to have either a range of things or one big thing to earn me income. 

I can't say where I'll be skill-wise once I graduate. I'll always have my hopes and dreams to dictate where I'd like to be, but in all honesty, I won't know until I get there. Crucible is going to take a while to write, especially if things keep changing, and I can't determine whether I'll be passionate enough to continue art readings for people. It's hard to say. 

It does make me think back to manifestation. The pre-scripting perspective made me wonder how manifestation fits in to all this. To be honest, I couldn't come up with a satisfactory or fitting answer. I would have to sit and contemplate the laws of nature/universe to be able to do so... creating like from like, maintaining balance, that sort of thing.

I just... I'm losing faith in my art. I adore it to death and I'm an artist by nature, but I just feel so uncreative and unoriginal. And that's scary in a world that demands perfection, originality, skill, talent, power. If I didn't have to worry about this, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way. I'd be creating art for the sake of creating art. And maybe that's what I should be keeping in mind. It's like that quote I found on tumblr: "I want to paint because I want to, not because I have something to prove." 

As an artist in the 21st century, my thoughts have been programmed to center around one main idea: develop your skill so that you can sustain yourself. The second idea revolves around changing/influencing the world, but that's not as strong as the idea of sustaining oneself. Ensuring survival. Ensuring you have enough to keep yourself happy and comfortable. Even with Crucible, I'm thinking: "This project will earn me a really good income." While the main goal is to empower people, the idea of money comes first because hey - I need to make a living, right? 

It makes me wonder: is this why I'm uncreative and unoriginal? Will my creativity flow endlessly when I stop working for the sake of survival and start working just for the sake of creating something beautiful? I'd be curious to see how this method of thinking has affected other artists and their careers. I've listened to/read some interviews about some well-known artists who share similar methods of thinking - you know, "Oh, I just do what I love." 

Is that my problem? I say I do what I love, but when it actually comes to creating art in its various forms, my main thought is: "I have to be good at this so that I can make a living."

I bet if I look around, I'll find signs telling me that yes, this is the case. When I'm creating art - or writing - my thoughts are influenced by anxiety, because I become so concerned about inadvertently stealing someone else's idea, or I worry that something isn't original enough, or that I have to make a statement with my project that will have an impact on the world.

Is that really necessary? I can't live like that. Creating art is what allows one to nourish oneself as Creator. The fact that we have the capability of creating is a blessing in itself. Yet in this awful modern society, we become so attached to our creative property, and therefore become bitter when we find someone who shares a similar idea. 

This is why so many artists feel hopeless. This is why so many parents despair when their children want to become artists. As an artist, we have to make a living selling our creative property - most often to other people who barely give us any credit. We are expected to give our energy away for free, just because we have the label "artist" attached to us.

I could go on, but I don't think I need to, since I've found my answer. From here on out, I'm going to focus on creating art for the sake of creating something beautiful and meaningful - something appropriate for the face of Adonai that I am.

So yes, dad. I will spend my time doing what I love, even if you think I'm "wasting my life." 

Evaah