Dissolution

by decrepitude @ deviantART

Holy Shiva. It's been a month since I kinda dropped off the face of the earth. 

You can't fight the river's flow. It seems Andromeda knew something I didn't: that I would eventually end up in a situation where I would be forced to make an important decision about my life in a short span of time. So what did it do? 

It told me: "Screw spirituality. Take a month off and play GW2 to your heart's content."

And that's exactly what I did.

I dropped communication on SF and FB, stopped blogging, and gamed from morning to evening each day... until the inevitable began to happen.

My parents began to probe me about my future. 

I've been hiding from that big fat question: what will I do now that I'm off from school for a year? I had a nice scenario planned out in my head, but trying to get my parents on board with it has been quite the challenge. A couple weeks ago, we sat down and discussed what had to be done, as well as a few suggestions. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out anything that I would like to do that wasn't spiritual. I NEED spiritual, but there's one huge obstacle standing in my way: credentials. 

I'm really going to need those credentials if I'm going to get into a spiritual career. I doubt I'll get far without them. I could spend a long time doing readings over the internet to build up a reputation, but that doesn't have me getting out of the house and meeting people face-to-face. 

And to make things worse, it seems that any day now, my dad will be getting a good job offer that will take him and my mom overseas. That leaves me, alone, out of school, and without a direction. But I have a direction - it's just not 100% practical to my parents. I need credentials and experience before I can just leap into a spiritual career. Two years of doing readings is so laughably lacking. A small following from SF will not help me, either, especially since I can't go back and advertise the fact that I will be charging for my services.

So where does that leave me? I have no idea. I spent almost half the day today on LinkedIn and Google trying to find ideas or openings or opportunities of some sort, but it seems these opportunities don't exist, or I'm looking in the wrong place for them. I'm clueless, and it scares me. I wish I could just sit at home and spend all my time on acquiring credentials, doing a bit of freelance work and readings on the side, but it's very unlikely that my parents will be okay with this, unless I can somehow earn a lot of money AND also get out of the house to meet people. We haven't discussed this in detail, because I'm still having trouble admitting to my parents exactly what it is I want at risk of sounding like a dreamy-eyed schoolkid. 

Before my month-long hiatus from all things spiritual, I had considered living a simpler lifestyle - like in a commune or something similar. But then I got into GW2, and after playing so much and receiving buttloads of inspiration from all the new content they've incorporated, I realized it'd be hard for me to last without that kind of escape. So in order to satisfy my parents, I need something that earns me money and has me out making connections. To satisfy myself, I need a spiritual career, credentials, and - to be blunt - time in the day to escape to a more desirable reality, as pitiful as that sounds.

You gotta love life. I never imagined I'd be the child who would be stuck at home trying to figure out what to do with her life. Actually, it's not even that. It's just trying to convince her parents to help support her, rather than have them suggest alternative, more practical solutions that would result in me becoming quite the miserable character (and, Shiva forbid, one of these solutions was joining the military). 

I realized today just how unconnected I am. I mean, yeah, I have a decent number of supporters on SF, but that's it. I'm pretty much relying on word-of-mouth right now because I'm not sure where else to go. Finding free groups in my area is quite the challenge, and a lot of groups online disallow advertising (like SF). So where else can I go? Would publishing that cheap website help (and by cheap, I mean free)? 

I knew all this would happen eventually. And now that it IS happening, I find myself trying to hide from it as much as I can. I can't figure out a solution that would please me AND my parents, so I keep ignoring it. Although I did consider one solution: shacking up with my brother.

I shudder at the thought, but at the same time, I realize it may be more to my benefit, at least to get me started on my life. Living with my brother would allow me the time to earn credentials, make some money on the side, and learn about how to live without depending on parents. Plus, he could help me take care of Hans (assuming I get to have Hans). Oh, and since he's also an avid GW2 player, there'd be plenty of time for gaming, as well. I hope. But I did notice that Florida has many more metaphysical/new age establishments and supply shops than Georgia, which may mean more available opportunities. 

For the most part, it seems like a decent plan. The only question is: will I be able to stand living with my brother for the foreseeable future? I mean, I see a situation where I can get what I need for my future, but help him with his home and stuff (and get him to eat good food) too. In return, I'd have a place to live as well as someone who can help me learn what I need to become a "proper adult." I don't think he would mind too much, because he loves to be the "teacher," but we are polar opposites, and if he's not moving anytime soon, I'd be in a one-bedroom apartment with him. And that would be a bit weird. 

It's still a possibility though. And a pretty practical one, in my opinion. I think it's more practical than just sitting around here in Georgia, trying to do the same thing while my parents are overseas. 

Who knows? All I do know is that I'm going to have another conversation with my parents very soon... like in the next few days - and I'm going to need ideas, lest I am once again bombarded with parental wrath and anxiety.

Life, man. So weird.