2013: Introspection & Adventure

"Contemplation" - by Alex Grey

Ah, 2013: year of the Pisces. I was really supposed to shine this year, but when I reflect on these past 12 months, I didn't feel like I accomplished all that much. Or maybe I did, but I'm not giving myself enough credit. It's hard to say. I feel like the year was split in two halves: art school misery and post-art school misery. 

The first half was pretty self-explanatory. I was completing the last two quarters of sophomore year, but was struggling intensely with feelings of depression, gloom, bitterness, anger, and exhaustion as I realized how out-of-place I felt sitting in class learning the skills necessary for a corporate art career. I can't say I was very adventurous during this time, although I went through cycles of gloom and inspiration. I mourned my lack of spiritual connection, though I kept trying to get myself back into that domain. Most of my posts were centered around my need to vent and complain and talk through these painful feelings. 

As spring drew nearer, I started to feel happier. Sunshine and warm weather tends to do that to me, but I was so psyched to finish spring quarter. Unfortunately, this was also the time when I started seriously thinking about art school versus my dreams. I decided for myself that I would pursue those dreams, and almost immediately, began feeling the fears and frustrations associated with that decision. I experienced highs and lows as I started having various talks with my parents. At the same time, though, I was starting to delve back into spirit and philosophy, and examining the idea of unique, individual perspectives. I even was guided to start contemplating/utilizing the "Dream" tool for various readings. 

Things started to line up quite a bit. I was introduced to handful of potential opportunities regarding my interests. I received that enlightening archetype reading. I began exploring myself in-depth through more readings and meditations. I began using the Dream tool in actual readings, and found it incredibly accurate and useful. I had "the talk" with my dad. 

And then May 30th came along: the last day of spring quarter. After that day, I felt so liberated. June was a month of self-exploration. I felt free and hopeful. I ventured into my inner worlds and those of others, and experienced some really nifty stuff. But then, toward the end of June, everything came to a standstill, and I was guided away from spirit. I instead wanted to play hours and hours of GW2, which was really nice, until the day came when I was reminded I had to figure out what to do with my life. 

Past experiences and feelings started coming up again: stress, agitation, gloominess, anxiety. I kept playing GW2, trying to hide from having to make such serious decisions (after all, I was still clueless), but then life - or spirit - finally sat me down and said, "You're dealing with your issues now." I realized that I had never really resolved my insecurities and fears - only buried them deep and pretended I had already healed them. 

This went on into September, October, and November. I was still playing GW, but that didn't stop the flow of energies in my life. Because I was always at home, and behind GW, my issues became centered around my social life in-game. It was as though spirit said, "You can't hide from your issues in a fantasy world. If you refuse to face them in waking life, we'll have you face these issues in your place of safety." I was forced to face the insecurities I had convinced myself I had healed. The people and friends I met with regularly in-game helped me face these fears and insecurities. I experienced a fair bit of drama as a result, but in the end, I think I finally - well - learned my lesson. 

I haven't entirely absorbed that lesson, though. I'm still trying to heal and forgive. But this whole situation brought me to wonder again: is learning "lessons" really part of the reason we're here? I had felt resistance to that idea for many months, but I'm wondering if I'm being led toward that initial understanding again. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The biggest - and most recent - influence on my fears and insecurities has been my partner, who I'll refer to as Lor. I met him around September, I believe, in-game. At the time, I just knew him as my friend's brother, but I was charmed by him somehow. He had a presence that I was drawn to very early on; however, I noticed he was always hanging around with this one female friend of his, so I assumed she was his girlfriend. I was pretty happy just hanging out with him, but a secret part of me was a little jealous of that girl. After all, he told me she was the one who kept him playing GW.

Lor shared a love of roleplay, as well, so we often did guild and private RP together. We also seemed to have mutual interests when it came to RP, and we soon became pretty good friends. He became a source of inspiration and encouragement for me. 

Before I knew it, Lor was treating me... differently. He started talking to me a lot more often, and starting saying things that made it obvious he liked me more than a gaming/RP buddy. I wasn't sure how to handle this, because I had made it clear to myself that I had no intention of being in a relationship - and I definitely didn't want to be in a long-distance one, because I saw it ending very quickly. But something strange happened: I couldn't deny him. I couldn't deny this source of inspiration, love, and encouragement. He genuinely seemed to like me for who I was. My fears and insecurities went nuts, of course, and tried to convince me he was malevolent, and that I was making a huge mistake by letting him in. But the next thing I knew, I was his partner. He never asked me outright if I wanted to be with him - it was almost as though we both felt the question was unnecessary. 

So far, I haven't regretted it one bit. Lor is helping me tremendously with these fears and insecurities. The only thing I worry about is the long-distance aspect. Since he lives in a remote/rural place, he gets crappy internet, so lately it's been difficult to find him in-game or even on skype. I talk to him nightly, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and most evenings, he's too tired to stay long. It's been tough, but I'm trying to hang in there because I know it's worth it - at least for now.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this digression is that meeting Lor and becoming his partner has been one of the highlights of my year; it's probably the most adventurous thing I've done in 2013. After all, I was quite firm about the "no-relationships" thing. But it seems I can't beat fate, if that's what's responsible for our meeting. 

All in all, 2013 could have been a little better, but it needed to happen. I needed that time to reflect and unearth the issues I had tried to bury. If I don't release those issues now, it'll be that much harder to make progress toward my goals. How can I help people if I can't even help myself?

I'm looking forward to what 2014 has to offer. I expect a lot of change, fear, and instability, but if my reading was any indication, there's plenty of passion and abundance supporting me. 

It's time for a new chapter.  

The First Chapter

"Shower of Nectar" - by Rassouli

8:12 AM on January 1, 2013, and it's dark and cloudy outside. Expecting a good amount of rain today. I like that - it's kind of symbolic... like a cleansing or purification of all the "icky stuff." 

I drew a Mythic Oracle to ask Apollo who would be best to guide me during the first "chapter" of this new year. And once again, I freaking pull Psyche (with Eros depicted) with her emphasis on sacred union, and the message of doing whatever it takes for love.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have Thanatos backing me up this month (based on the annual reading I did for myself) to assist with change and transformation, but it seems, based on all the predictions, this month will revolve around friendships... I wonder how Psyche comes into play with that. Guess we'll see.

Last night was pretty anticlimactic. New Year's is becoming like Christmas for me - I'm becoming less interested in the hype with each one that passes. It also doesn't help to know that time is man-made and that every other living thing on earth doesn't give a crap whether it's 2013. They just live.

With that said, I was playing Guild Wars 2 until about 11:30, after which I worked a bit on Winterspell world-building, brushed my teeth, had my brother purchase me the game (after playing extensively on his account), and casually handed out "Happy 2013s" to the family before retiring to bed. Oh - but I did watch my desktop calendar roll over, which is always kind of cute. 

So yeah. I guess you can say the interest in New Year's is dwindling. I'm all for "new cycles" - I always embrace them - but as far as the numbers are concerned... well. After 2012 it's pretty insignificant. I do have a general list of "goals" for this year, but they have more to do with mindsets or states of awareness. I want to practice embracing all experiences. I want to be more adventurous. I want to eliminate fear, because fear is mental. I want to work from the heart, and not because I know I have to make a living off of what it is I do. I want to become awareness, not become aware that I am awareness. Stuff like that. 

Yesterday was spent with my brother as he taught me a lot of the basics of GW2. It's a pretty cool game - and very visually striking - but I'm still working on my frustrations with the camera (one of the biggest reasons I dislike 3D RPGs). I like the game enough, though, to just keep practicing. I love the emphasis on story, too...

When I wasn't doing that, I was world-building for Winterspell, because I'm almost finished with that massive list of questions. I'm at 15,500 words (39 pages), and now, it's like everything is coming together in my head. Pretty awesome. Just need to continue letting it flow... rather than thinking too much on whether it's original.

I also decided that I wouldn't worry about that art blog right this second. Even though it would help motivate me, I realized I didn't have to post my drawing-a-day challenge on the internet. I was considering FB, but I don't want people to ask about my characters and whatnot. Well. I guess I could post there, and just label them "OC" without any reference to an actual story/novel. Hmm. Fortunately, the majority of people I have added on there aren't artists or writers. 

That, however, reminds me of something I read on tumblr yesterday. It seemed like a sort of confirmation to this question I've been asking, about getting your name out there. The person who posted it is one of my favorite artists; she has a webcomic that has a little over 3000 fans and a dA account that is fairly - but not uber - popular. In this post, she was describing ways to get people to notice your work, which included the suggestion of joining dA and tumblr and tagging the hell out of your stuff, etc. 

I was wondering whether I should get a little tumblr for myself; I just wouldn't know whether to post "miscellaneous" art, or art relating to my projects. Eh. No rush, I guess. 

Gotta make my daily doodle, though! 

Hogmanay

"Divine Grace" - by Rassouli

Because the Scottish term for New Year's Eve is much cooler. 

Damn. Wasn't it just New Year's Eve already? I can remember going downstairs trying to watch the peach or ball drop, but my parents were watching some other thing, and I missed it, and I kept thinking: "Jesus, it's 2012 - the year we've all been waiting for." 

And now it's gone... until you remember that we, as humans, put too much value in the concept of time.

2012 was probably the best year I've had yet (they seem to get better and better), full of interesting experiences, meetings, dreams, chats, and inspirations. I had a traditional "goal" list like I do every year, but when I dug it up the other day, I realized I had only completed about 5 items on it, and decided I wouldn't make goal lists anymore. I will just be, and accept all experiences as they come, continuing to work on my passions, working from the heart, with no regard to how people will respond or react. As astrologers keep saying, 2013 is the year for Pisces to really shine. I will ensure that I do.

The final draw - which concludes the Sacred Days of Yule - is for Hogmanay, or New Year's Eve, and represents the best way to release the old and bring in the new. I picked Three of Earth - Plant Life, which is a sweet little "ending" card because it's all about blooming... blooming with beauty, with new life, with new creativity and abundance. Seems to be a common theme with my cards/readings these days. It's true, though... I feel like I have the potential to really be something, but I have all these factors holding me back (mainly family). So 2013 will be a year of blooming for me. I'll make sure of that. Traditionally, though, this card is about working together with people to produce something wonderful, but I don't get that from this card at all, so I'm ditching that interpretation.

(Jeez. At this rate, I really will get my Druid Craft deck after my brother leaves. Still out of stock... hm.)

I had another intensely productive world-building day yesterday, thanks to my parents & brother going to see Django. I'm at 12,600 words, or 31 pages of how society, magic, government, customs, etc., work in this world. At first, it was a bit painful, because I just want to get to the story already, and I found myself thinking too hard - not letting it flow. But now that I'm 12,600 words in, I'm finding the world really coming together, which means it'll be a lot easier to describe when I actually begin writing the first draft. I'm excited.

But I still don't know whether it's worth it - or wise - to post information about this story on the internet for all to see. I wrote a thread asking about this on the dA forum yesterday, but no one has bothered to respond. So now I'm not sure who to ask other than actual artist-writers who do this, and most of them are busy and popular which means they have lots of questions coming in daily. Hmm. 

That brings me to my next thought: I really want to try this drawing-a-day challenge. I wanted a blog to keep track of this stuff, but I encountered the problem of: do I make it under P.R.? Do I relate it to my personal projects? Or must I will myself to draw things completely unrelated to my projects? 

I was thinking that I could be very discreet about it, and instead of saying "this is so-and-so character from this story," I could just say: "character from personal project." That way, I can acquire interested peeps, but not reveal too much about the story that would either A.) affect publishing outcomes or B.) be stolen by thieves. Because I'm much more interested in producing art for my writing than I am in producing art for other reasons (not that I would be disinclined, but I do favor the art that goes into visually describing a world). 

We'll see, I guess. I need to make a quick decision, though, what with tomorrow being the first day.

In other news, I finally caved and downloaded Guild Wars 2 to try, at my brother's ceaseless insistence. He does have a point - there's no harm in trying. Plus, from what I've seen, GW2 may provide plenty of inspiration for my personal writing, especially for Winterspell. So in some ways, I'm kind of hoping I do enjoy it, or can at least work up to enjoying it; that way, when I hit a block, I'll have new, fresh material to assist me. I did try GW before, and didn't care much for it, but according to my brother, GW2 is a totally different - and vastly improved - experience. I guess I'll see when he wakes up in a few hours. 

Like last year, I'm not doing anything special for NYE. It's traditional for me (and brother) to have a shrimp ring to eat this day (don't ask) and to have some bubbles (for me, sparkling blueberry juice, for brother, champagne). But other than that, nothing special. 

Well... it seems that's that. I got a lot accomplished this year, and hope to accomplish even more for 2013. 

Happy New Year!

Annual Overview

Today was a slow day. The weather didn't help much, either - it's the kind of weather in which you're supposed to curl up inside behind a book or film or some writing/art... but at least it's over now. Six days left.

Referring to the thing about manifestation I said this morning - it happened again. I demanded the garage door be up, and when I got there, it was down. But guess what?

There was a spot available on the second level that was right next to the freaking entrance.

There's never a spot available near the entrance on the upper floors... not at 10 AM. So that's exactly what I mean. The universe "denies" my original request and gives me something better. 

That makes me happy.

In other news... we find out who the president is in a few hours. I know voting in my area ends at 7 PM. It's currently 5:30. I forget when they actually show the results. But I felt kind of... I don't know. It's just that practically all my classmates voted today, and when I was asked why I didn't vote, I couldn't really give a good answer. I just told them that if I did vote, it would just come down to me picking who's more tolerable. 

And I mean - I like Obama. I really do. He has a lot better vibes than Romney, but when it comes down to it, Obama's still a politician, and for the life of me, I can't think too highly of someone who sits down and decides, "I'm going to rule the free world" - unless they're seriously, genuinely trying to make the world a better place. Back in 2008, I was a bit more naive. I was all excited for Obama because he was a big step up from Bush, and I was happy to see someone who wasn't an old Republican white guy taking charge of things for once. Now, however, I realize that there's a lot more to the book than its cover.

Meh. I'll just be glad when this is over. I've been quite indifferent toward politics all my life, so I just don't see the point. Although I'll be disappointed in America if it chooses Romney, life will just go on. And who knows? Maybe if Romney is elected, it'll stir up a crapload of rebellion, and people will begin pursuing the truth.

Anyway. I decided to do another annual reading for myself for 2013 using my Psychic Tarot and Mythic oracle decks. So let's see...

The rest of 2012
Disruption. Oh, that's lovely. Makes sense. Then again, I wonder if this means I'm going to "sectionalize" myself or will hold myself back... because I don't see much "disruption" happening unless it's all energetic/spiritual (I'm going to be at home most of the time). I guess I'll see.

January
Balance and Thanatos. So balance... but change at the same time? Thanatos I can understand well, because he's representing renewal or transformation here. Moving into a new state of being or new cycle. As for balance, I can't say if this is going to be a goal or an external state. 

February 
Heartache & Loss and Hermes. I've never seen the former in a reading before. Huh. I do admit this is a tad concerning. Then again, this is a mental card, so "loss" can pretty much apply to anything I may be mentally attached to. That should be interesting. As for Hermes... he seems to be communicating movement more than "messages." "Messages" is a pretty general idea. So I'll go with movement. 

March
Discontent & Boredom, and Hestia. My birth month... this is kind of disappointing. I do tend to get bored a lot, so I do wonder what this will pertain to. As for Hestia, she's comforting to see, because she stands for home and hearth. Then again, she carries fire, and to me, that's communicating passion or spirit, like enthusiasm. Interesting.

April
Spiritual Union and Themis. Errr wow. That first one. That caught me off guard, because that's a very "romantic" card. Then again, it doesn't have to indicate only romance. Spiritual union can relate to my sense of unity with others and the world. But it'll be emphasized this month, along with Themis, who's associated with natural order. This month is chock full of more balance.

May
Emotional Withdrawal and Persephone. Spending some time to look inward this month, but Persephone's indicating an awakening of sorts. Me likey. Perhaps that awakening will cause the emotional withdrawal. 

June
Wisdom and Achilles. Wow. This pairing indicates movement toward one of my dreams/desires. Sharing wisdom and being recognized for it... that's what June's saying to me. Cool beans. (More fire symbolism by the way)

July
Sacrifice and Uranus. Yeah, that first card isn't terribly happy (the illustration makes it seem brighter though). I find it interesting how Uranus plays into this one, though, since he represents "Father." I wonder if this will relate to my dad, then?  

August
Choose Wisely and Bellerophon. Choices to make, huh... That's always fun. And an emphasis on humility. Seems like August may be a big month as far as chasing heart's desires go. Oh, jeez. I hope it's not a repeat of October...

September
Emotional Loss and Artemis. Wow. 2013 is quite the emotional year for me, apparently. And loss. Second time. Although the card associates Artemis with purity, I personally associate her with the hunt. Striking a target. 

October
Temptation and Cronus. Interesting mix. Cronus here represents cycles... so I wonder how temptation will play into this. New cycles - could that have anything to do with the previous month?

November
Destiny and Odysseus. An emphasis on JOURNEY and DESTINY. How so very interesting. It's like I'm seeing a new path here... over these past few months.

December 
Stand Your Ground and Ares. Hahaha. What a perfect duo. Lots of battle going on this month. I get the feeling this may have to do with my ambitions... doing what my parents want versus what I want. Again. Oh dear...

Significator (Overall Theme)
Solitude and Gaia. Spending time on my own... self-exploring. An emphasis on feminine/motherly OR nature. Hm. 

Now for the numerology... 1, 2, and 5 came up the most (mainly 2). 1 indicates leadership, beginnings, self, courage, and willpower (appropriate). 2 indicates balance, duality, partnership, choices, reflection, and diversity (also appropriate). And 5 indicates change, uncertainty, realignment, freedom, and travel (also appropriate). 

Ugh. That last one reminds me of Spike/Shiva... 5 is his number. 

Well, as far as growth goes, 2013 is looking good. I should be well-prepared for this "loss," at least. 

Now I'm off to watch Half-Blood Prince. 

Evaah