Spectrum

"Light Dance" - by Rassouli

One week down, nine more to go.

I'm still in the process of changing my perspective on things, though - learning to enjoy the adventure, being open to new ideas and activities, that sort of thing. I did make a good first step yesterday: I began to appreciate the way I draw.

Like in most studio classes, I have to keep a sketchbook for illustration. The great thing about higher-leveled studio courses, however, is that we are generally able to draw whatever we want. Sometimes the professor will want us to emphasize a certain medium or technique, but more often than not, they will simply say: experiment and take risks. Have fun. 

So I went and bought a fresh sketchbook in the building yesterday. I was going to reuse an old one, but I needed one that could handle wet media pretty well, so I got a mixed media book. And as I started drawing on that first page, I thought: I actually really like the way I draw.

What helped was to look back at my little sketchbook from fall quarter and see all the cool sketches I did. It wasn't that long ago, but it was still lovely to see the stuff that I drew - stuff that I enjoyed drawing. I think it might help even more to look back on more stuff I did in the past, because to be honest, there's a lot of material I produced that I enjoyed.

In the spiritual department... well. First, my dreams have been varied. Some nights, I'll dream about GW (like this morning - fighting in the Dragonbrand amongst Grawl?), and other nights, I'll dream about other things, like being late to school (I had that one on Wednesday). 

Second, I'm finding myself connecting to guiding energies again. Imagery for Leon and Pierre have been popping up - big cats and dragons. At first, I didn't notice... but one day, I felt inclined to start paying attention, and I realized these symbols surrounded me. 

It doesn't sound so ludicrous anymore, now that I've been "reignited," so to speak (I actually haven't heard from J in almost a week.. hm). It seems logical to me that Adonai's other perspectives (i.e. pieces of consciousness, "souls," etc.) wouldn't simply withdraw back to the source, or even refrain from exploring the non-physical after incarnating. In other words, I think it makes sense that some perspectives would continue exploring after "death," even if that means pairing up with other perspectives to do so. If Adonai is trying to know itself, or actualize its existence, then I would expect that it would put its perspectives through as many experiences as possible to explore the entire "spectrum." 

For that reason, "soul families" don't sound so nuts anymore, either. I think the physical association with the concept of a soul family turned me off (i.e. people made it sound like it was a literal family you "return to" - like an actual grouping paired off in the universe somewhere), but now I see that soul families are essentially groups with similar vibrations, intentions, or perspectives, and do not necessarily have to "hang around" together all the time. I won't pretend to understand how dimensions work, so what we think we know about how soul families interact is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Actually, this can describe our understanding about spirit in general. We like to project our human associations onto the universe, when, in fact, it's probably something much different - much more abstract. 

While it is a bit of a challenge to commune with these guiding energies while attending school, I still try my best to talk to them and envision them near me. I don't receive much in return (then again, my attention is always fixated on other things, and I haven't been "in tune" since early December), but it's a start. 

One last snippet: I decided to "skip" Holi this year, because Holi is basically the Hindu celebration of spring, and I've already done my thing for spring. There's really nothing in April to anticipate; I think the next big celebration/holiday/etc. is Beltane.

A day of relaxation awaits.   

 

At Sunrise

"At Sunrise" - by Rassouli

Today went a lot better than I had anticipated. 

It still sucked having to wake up at 6, though. I don't mind waking up early, so long as I'm waking up naturally, and not to a startling alarm (however pleasing the tune may be). I found that my body resorted to the behavior associated with knowing an alarm is involved: I would wake every 1-3 hours to check the clock so I could wake up before the alarm (plus I'm paranoid about oversleeping or my alarm not working). And guess what? I woke up a minute before my alarm went off. Typical.

I think I'll feel better once it starts getting brighter earlier. At the moment, the sun rises at around 7:10, when I'm en route to school. Daylight always makes me feel better.

As for the actual classes... I think this quarter will be tolerable. To be honest, I'm somewhat optimistic. I'll blab more about the classes in my actual art blog... but if I took away anything today, it was something my illustration professor touched on while he was discussing the syllabus: style.

I'm certain I mentioned before how much I dislike my style. It's recognizable, sure, but it's not how I want to draw. I've been spending so much time trying to draw differently, trying to draw realism, trying to study from admired artists, and nothing seems to change. Is it because I don't draw enough? Probably. Despite that, though, my professor's comments on style brought light to my perspective. Why? Because he said:

Don't fret over style. It's not something you search for. You already have a style - it'll simply evolve over time, after a lot of drawing. You know those doodles you make in class or when you're on the phone? That's your style. 

I had been receiving inklings of this perspective in the back of my mind for about a week, but it really sunk in when I heard my professor say it. Now, I had this professor in fall for my first illustration class, and even though he was friendly, he was a bit intimidating because he's the head of the illustration department, and therefore the real "professional." He seems different now - maybe it's because we're in a higher level course, where he feels as though he can expect good things from us. Whatever the case, he did make me feel a lot better about myself. Someone popped the idea of embracing my style in my head a few days ago, so now that I hear my professor address the topic, it's almost like confirmation. 

I keep wanting to draw like other artists, when I have my own unique style that I can perfect with more practice. I need to give myself time to explore and experiment and make the most out of what I can do. 

But like I said: I'm just going to elaborate in my art blog.

So all in all, a decent first day of spring quarter. 

A few final tidbits: dad flies out to China tomorrow. Poor dude is so stressed out, because apparently he has homework due the day he returns from his trip, and he doesn't know when he'll have the time to finish it. Just reminds me who I don't want to become... 

Also, our weather is a bit... off. It was flurrying most of the day. Cold. I don't think it's flurried this late in the month in forever. Can't wait for this warmer weather... it'll make me feel much better about everything going on right now. 

Weighted

"Night" - by haimeart @ deviantART

I have to admit, today wasn't a very happy last day of break. No matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to be excited for school tomorrow. Easier said than done. I probably wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have to wake up at 6 and drive in rush hour traffic both to and from school. I haven't had to wake up at 6 for... a year?

On top of that, I spent a good majority of the day waiting for the wrecker to come pick up Harvey. The dude(s) never showed, but it still had me feeling anxious and somewhat sad, because I really feel like our cars are part of our family, and losing a family member - even if you weren't all that close - is painful. So now he's still out on the street, unlocked, waiting for his eternal rest. It might sound silly, but it's true. I know I'm going to be in tears - or really close to tears - when it comes time to sell Haloa. I grew up with Haloa (Harvey was inherited after my grandmother passed away). She traversed the Pacific Ocean with us, got us from Las Vegas to Georgia, has been on many family trips, been out in the ice and snow... 15 years and still going strong. I just hope her end won't be like Harvey's. 

And then, to make the day somewhat worse, I realize that a lot of boredom and stress I get from GW2 stems from my brother. When we're not doing competitive play, I'm just following him around, doing what he thinks we should do next. When he spends half an hour to buff himself up with gear, I have to wait around patiently. But when I want to buff myself up with gear, I feel like I'm being rushed. 

I just experienced my first taste of PvP, and it sucked because of my brother. We were trying to just fight each other alone, but other players kept coming in and creating imbalance within teams. I got so angry - it was embarrassing. This was supposed to help me manage my anxiety/nervousness when fighting other players (so I can calm down and actually focus on strategy), but all this evening's done is made it worse. So I stormed off on an awkward note and spent the next 30-40 minutes playing by myself, not even bothering to talk to my brother.

And now, I'm sitting here pissed, on the verge of tears, because this day pretty much sucked, and I have to wake up at 6 tomorrow. Reading Lulu's posts didn't make me feel better about the whole school thing, either. 

No sappy pep-talks today. I needed to vent. 
Ugh.  

Silent Echoes

"Silent Echoes" - by Rassouli

We just had our first storms of spring this weekend. The thunder kept me up early this morning, but that's all right. I missed storms. 

I'm noticing I'm beginning to remember more of my dreams. This morning, I had another travel/adventure-themed one (I was on a plane to Argentina). I'm not sure if this is just another reminder or an inner need for adventure really trying to make itself known. It's definitely a theme I'll have to keep in mind as I face spring quarter.

Speaking of which... Today and tomorrow are my last days of break. I return to school on Tuesday. Can't say I'm looking forward to waking up at 6, but at least it's only two days a week (and I don't come home at 8 PM anymore). I'll probably spend these last couple days playing as much GW2 as possible.

I've still been talking with J. I'm still amazed by the similarity of our perspectives. It makes me wonder if J is the initial response to my plea for ideal friends, or if he's just a catalyst meant to create a shift on my path. Maybe a mix of both - I don't know. It'd be nice to meet more fellow "Adonai" members.

I haven't made many drastic changes since feeling the return of the spiritual. I don't think it's something I can - or should - jump straight back into. Plus, it's hard for me to incorporate the spiritual when school's in - it eats all my time and leaves me just wanting to play a video game or work on personal projects. So I'll take it slow, and whatever happens, happens. 

Predictions for March seemed to come out accurately. First, there was the astrological prediction for Pisces of "an idea from the past will return to inspire you." For me, it was more like ideas. So yeah, that was true. Then I had a prediction from someone else: "Now is the time to remove yourself from a stressful situation - focus on yourself and rest." Once again, this "situation" could be a couple things. My own reading carried themes of discontent and boredom, which was also true. 

Very interesting...

I don't expect there'll be much to report over the next few days. I'd like to start meditating at night again because I feel like that would help me sleep (Thinking too much prevents me from falling asleep). And who knows? Maybe I'll receive a visitor.
 

Return of Life

"Sweet Memories" - by Rassouli

Well, then.

Last night, I decided to watch some of Teal Scott's videos to see what she was all about. So I lay down in bed and picked out topics that had the most significance to me: guides, angels/demons, past lives, akashic records, etc.

And damn. 
It was like I was listening to Adonai itself. Everything this woman was saying perfectly matched my current understanding of the world and the spiritual. There were only a handful of things that were up in the air, simply because I'm not yet sure how I feel about them. 

I'm feeling very sensitive right now, but very joyful. It's obvious that J is a catalyst of sorts. I feel like I've been renewed. There has been a part of me which felt the need to have "my" own beliefs - that I had to figure out things for myself. But I forgot that there are those in the world who are meant to be catalysts, to help you discover what resonates with you at a given time. Adonai itself spoke of this a long while ago. Listening to Teal Scott - and J - reminded me of this. 

I feel like I've been reactivated - like the life has returned to me. I find myself with a perspective that is a beautiful blend of past understandings and present ones. I long to explore again, to reconnect with past experiences and perhaps enjoy new ones, with energies who are similar to me. 

You know something, though? I don't regret these past three/four months. I don't regret spending all my free time on GW2 while struggling in school. I'm okay with being out-of-tune because I needed this time off to reflect on who I am in this projection, on what I need and desire... on what life means to me. I may not have had any "cool" spiritual experiences. I may not have had awesome, vivid dreams or meditations. I may not have been able to hear from energies with whom I was previously acquainted... but the whole thing was necessary. I needed to feel low, bored, and discontent. And it will probably happen again in the future.

Among the many is where you'll find the one. It may be that I'm a part of this Adonai family, and if that's the case, then I'll be very happy, because I'll be with those who share my vibration and perspective. If I'm not, then that's all right, too (although I'm not so sure this is true... the timing and significance is too - well - significant). I'm at peace knowing that all is right, and that I can proceed on my path after a long hiatus. 

What will happen from here? I'm not sure. Seeing how I start school on Tuesday, I won't expect to get all that involved. Things will be for the better, though.

I suppose that's enough cheesiness for now. Long story short: I'm once again happy and at peace, and the spiritual is making a return to my life.    

A Familiar Face

by enayla @ deviantART

I had a very prominent encounter yesterday which caught me off guard. 

I received a message from an amiable individual on my spirit/psychic art FB, which I thought was odd because I hadn't received messages on there for a while (I've been inactive, obviously). But what caught me off guard was a name that he carried with him.

Adonai.

Long story short, he introduced to me the teachings of Teal Scott, who calls herself a "Spiritual Catalyst," but also claims to be an incarnation of a soul family by the name of Adonai. I quote from her website:

From a young age, Teal began professing to have not only chosen to be a part of this physical life, but to have been sent as a "Eucharist" into this life by the non-physical grouping of energy called "Adonai." "Adonai" is a non-physical group whose intention is the imparting of oneness.

I have to admit I got goosebumps when I read that last line. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any more information on Adonai from Teal's perspective; according to the individual I spoke to on FB (I'll call him J), she doesn't speak much about Adonai itself, or even her associations with it. Instead, she focuses more on her being Arcturian / an indigo child. 

I'll be honest, though. I was a little turned off by some of the things on her website, but from what I've read and listened to thus far, I'd say she has much to offer. 

So I've been spending some time talking with J about Adonai and our perspectives relating to it. I'm frankly awed by how similar our perspectives are. Of course, there's the paranoid part of me silently screaming: "Be careful!" However, I realize that I can't make good friends unless I start trusting people. Keeping people at arm's length and believing they're plotting something malevolent will not earn me friends. I need to get over that whole ordeal from SF.

Now, as far as Adonai goes... I'm a little shocked. I had no idea there was a group of people out there - however small they may be - who believe they're part of an Adonai soul family. According to J, he's part of this group, too. I'm not sure if he suspects that I am, as well, but I wouldn't be surprised if every member of this alleged family shares a perspective like ours. 

I admit... I was a bit afraid of what I would discover. Adonai is such a dear name and energy to me, and I feared that this "soul family" would tarnish my view of it. Yet... I know this is not a chance meeting. There is clearly something I should be gleaning from this. I haven't yet figured out what, but it's there. Adonai is not a name you hear often, and to hear it from someone - out of the blue - who shares a stunningly similar perspective on life? Yeah. Something's at work here.

So what happened last night? I felt Adonai lingering. I wasn't paying much attention to what it was saying, but I got the impression it was challenging my current situation in that familiar gentle way... coaxing me. I don't recall how long it spoke, but even now, I feel it lingering. A subtle presence.

I miss Adonai. I really do. No matter how hard I try, I can't completely immerse myself in the feeling of oneness. I had a revelation while talking with J (probably nudged by Adonai itself): among the many is where you find the one. You wouldn't know oneness unless you had a comparison. I try and feel myself as Adonai, as the universe, and at times I really do feel it, but it never lasts. Is it because I'm not ready? Is it something that comes in time, with more experience? Or is it never meant to last at all?

Is that why I struggle with meditating "alone"? Why I always have to envision/invite a guiding energy? There are those who can meditate and feel the divinity and oneness within, and at times I do, too, but I still resort to envisioning those energies which are dearest to me, because they are what help me feel whole. 

There shouldn't be any shame in this. Just because people preach oneness doesn't mean we can't appreciate the distinction. In the end, it won't matter whether I saw Adonai as "separate" from me. I still understood it to be part of me, or I part of it; I simply chose to picture it as a separate entity, because it helped strengthen my connection. 

Maybe that's why people love the idea of gods and deities and spirits. It seems we all fear that "ultimate oneness."

But this isn't a post about oneness. I'll save that for later if I have the urge to write such a thing. Instead, this is about Adonai. I don't know how I feel about soul families right now. I wouldn't resist the idea of being part of this "Adonai" family - because the ideas associated with it really resonate so far - but in the meantime, I think this is something I have to stew on, because it definitely tweaks my perspective. Adonai, in my opinion, is the collective creative energy of the universe... and to have it diminished into a mere "family" is a little - well - you get what I'm saying. I'm not suggesting that this family is insignificant. After all, I'm speaking of Source. The universe. The two are unrelated. Adonai isn't its ultimate name. It's just a name that resonated deeply with me that I projected onto it.

Still, I'd be curious to see how things progress. I feel like... something good - or big - will be delivered on my doorstep in the future.

  

Ostara

by elbardo @ deviantART

An overcast morning here for the first day of spring.

I called upon Cernunnos, El'azar, and Pierre for a mini-reading using the BoS, Wildwood, and Mary-el decks, respectively. I do have to say, though... I might have to let go of Cernunnos. Even though I love him and what he stands for, I feel little to no connection with him. I was thinking of maybe just attuning the deck with Shiva/Spike or even Adonai instead, but I haven't yet decided. 

Anyway, here's what they had to share:

Something inside you which is unyielding and resists change:
Cernunnos: Six of Earth. A very gloomy, lonely card. There are a handful of fae here, but a number of them hide in the shadows, away from their brothers. Creating distance... There's nothing entirely happy about this card and I get the feeling it's relating to friendships and socialization - deliberate avoidance. Extreme introversion. That type of thing.

El'azar: The Wheel. Interesting pick. When I first looked at this card, I thought of balance. Traditionally, I believe this card reflects good fortune (or misfortune), but in terms of my question, well... there's a sense of creativity here, or of craftiness. Making things. Handiness. My eye cannot stray from the wheel at center. But once again, there's a sense of loneliness, despite the warmth of this card. The garment has been made, but there's no one around to admire it, or even take it down. 

Pierre: The Hermit. Wow. Okay, boys. I think I get the message here. And you know something? They're right. Well, of course they're right. But I admit it. I didn't entirely realize it until now, but as much as I say I want new/better friends, I'm still resisting the idea because I'm still not all that eager for socialization or having to give up personal time to maintain friendships. Tri mentioned this before: despite how much of an introvert someone may be, they still need friends - or they'll get lonely. I'm pretty much a fall-back friend to those at school. Otherwise, it's just BB - who I don't talk to all that often - Lulu (even though I've been feeling distanced from her), and a few others from SF. I even crave companionship in GW2, which is weird for me because I usually don't like the personalities of those who play such games. 

Something inside you that wants to emerge:
Cernunnos: Mabon. I don't think the emphasis here is on "harvest," but more so on balance. There's a bit of tension between light and darkness as they reach out to each other... so maybe the same is reflected within. But what part of this reflects something that wants to emerge? Just balance? Mutual understanding? 

El'azar: Ten of Arrows - Instruction. El'azar is switching things up, it seems. An elder is instructing a young boy how to use his bow. This card deeply resonates - El'azar definitely knows what he's talking about. There is a desire within to instruct, teach, lead, and guide. But I feel like that desire has been lost amongst all this school crap and materialism. He's on to something here.

Pierre: Page of Cups. This one is tricky. It's obvious the emphasis is on emotion, but what are the specifics? It looks like there are ship sails in the background. The figure has his/her back to us, and is covered with tattoos of sea life (fish). There is a gentle happiness to this figure's stance. Contentment? Ooh. The words "emotional depth" just popped into my head. Once again... I feel like I know what this card means, but I don't have any words to describe it.

What this new thing can become if nurtured:
Cernunnos: Litha. Bright, warm, and blossoming. Yet there's a sense of (A) companionship and (B) authority. God and Goddess are together, and Goddess looks like she's expecting... they sit/stand before a field of sunflowers. I get the sense of achievement and contentment, of having everything they need or could want. Of being satisfied in the moment. This card, however, would be much different had God or Goddess been alone...

El'azar: Ace of Bows - Spark of Life. Oh, wow. The message here is simple and straightforward. If I pursue the feelings associated with teaching and guiding, that's where I'll find my spark. That makes me truly happy. 

Pierre: Knight of Cups. What was previously a minor representation of emotional depth has now become something much more extreme. Knight of Cups is powerful - this card screams compassion, seeing from the heart, emotional abundance, humility, and power. If you were to consider it negatively, then it could be the opposite. But that's not the basis of this question.

Well that has certainly got me thinking now. I love these "comparisons" between energies, because I like to see which energy focuses on what thing. With Cernunnos, it was connection and companionship. With El'azar, it was making, doing, instructing, guiding. With Pierre, it was exploring the inner depths and the mysteries of the emotional psyche. It kind of reflects each energy, because I feel Cernunnos is a very warm energy... and because he's associated with earth, well. You get the idea. And El'azar - he's not so much "talking" as he is doing. He takes his work very seriously compared to the others. Pierre is the darker aspect, who prefers to travel the unknown.

I'm going to have to dwell on what was brought up here. I'm going to elaborate on this in a separate post, but I feel like... "spirituality" is returning. I may not be able to go entirely back to the whole guides and past lives and twin soul thing; however, there is a craving for spiritual that I haven't really been able to satisfy, and things are beginning to line up, what with my visit to SF and a message I received on my spirit/psychic art FB yesterday. 

Happy Ostara/spring!       

Crossing the Line

"Simple Pleasures" - by Rassouli

I had a bit of interesting symbolism in this morning's dream.

I was on a train with a group of people - a few of which were friends and acquaintances. I don't know where we were going, but there was a point when our supervisor or teacher or guardian or whoever he was sat down and lit this string or line that stretched across the floor of the car. He said he'd light it if we wanted him to, but that once he did, we could not - under any circumstance - cross the line. 

So he lit the string (whatever it was), and it kind of looked like he was lighting a bomb. I watched the spark travel down the line... but nothing really big happened. Nothing blew up or exploded into flames. So there came a point when the train was stopping, and I was talking to an acquaintance about her getting off at the stop and picking me up a "peach color." It seemed like we were talking about paint (although it was reminiscent of dye from GW2). However, while I talked to her, I had unknowingly crossed the line. Nothing had happened to me, though. We stood there panicking, worried that the guardian/supervisor/whoever would come back and yell at us. I was tempted to jump back over the line, but was afraid of what would happen if I did. The scene shifted to GW, though, and I had the impression the line caused crippling and bleeding (lol). 

I found this dream very fascinating, because trains are a symbol of long-term travel, adventure, or journeying to me. The fact that there was a line I wasn't allowed to cross made it even more interesting. What line can't I cross? Ah, but see - I crossed it anyway. I did it unknowingly, simply because I was absorbed in a conversation. Is this reflective of my desire to take risks, or go against the wishes of an authoritative figure (my parents?) for the sake of adventure and experience? Seems like it. 

And the best part? When I crossed that line, nothing happened to me. We were freaking out over nothing. In fact, we were more worried about the supervisor's reaction than what would actually happen to me for crossing it. I'm not sure whether the bleed/cripple thing is involved, though, because that part seemed disconnected from the rest of the dream. But even if it is involved, crippling and a few stacks of bleeding can't hurt me. Hahaha. 

In other news, my dad just left a little while ago to go to the airport. He's going out-of-state for something work-related and won't be back until Friday. There's a lot of travel going on right now: dad's work thing today, godfather leaving tomorrow (big sigh of relief), dad coming back on Friday, dad leaving for a brief trip to China a week from today and coming back a few days later, etc. I'm on break and I still feel like I'm in school, what with so much crap going on.

I paid a visit to SF yesterday evening because I was feeling a bit nostalgic. Talked with a couple familiar faces and was even about to receive a reading from WW, until he ran off abruptly with something more important to do. It made me miss being a part of that community. 

But the thing is... I don't feel like I can offer anything anymore. Sure, I can help answer questions and spend most of my energy on readings, but there's always going to be those people that I would rather not hear from. And - well - I don't miss all the drama.

Eh, I don't know. Maybe getting involved at SF again would help me feel more connected. I was thinking about even having a mini-livestream day while I'm on break. I don't know. I'll dwell on it.

A lazy day awaits.

Energies of Creation

"Energies of Creation" - by Rassouli

I feel like I've been having so many interesting dreams over these past few days, but when I wake, I don't remember them. I know one had to do with GW - another with preparing a gift for BB. Hm. I guess most of my dreams still aren't important for me to be aware of.

I've begun writing again. Well, world and plot-building, to be more specific. I'm at the point where I've played GW2 enough that I don't have to play it every single minute I find I have free time. I've mellowed out, done a lot of what I can do without getting into the more experienced stuff, and - well - am beginning to find myself interested in writing again. So every day - at least during break - I'm planning to work on a bit of world-building for Crucible, in hopes that I make some progress. I'm approaching it with a different attitude, too. Instead of being in a rush to finish, I'm taking my time and enjoying the process. The adventure. I won't say that I think things will work out this time, because I said that the last time I was working on plot, and once again, things changed.

But that's exactly why Crucible is my dearest project. It's growing and maturing along with me. My other projects have been relatively static, but Crucible keeps changing. 

I have three more days with my godfather, counting today. I admit I'm excited. I feel bad because I can no longer bring myself to play board games with him and mom. But I do miss my introvert time. My privacy. I had to hide my tarot/oracle cards because when he comes in here, he tends to ask about certain things I have, and because he's (A) been raised as a Christian and (B) not that open-minded, I'd rather not have to explain why I'm in possession of several tarot decks to one of my most beloved family members. It's a shame I have to hide a big part of who I am to my family. Maybe one day, they'll understand.

I'm feeling really good lately. The warm weather seems to be settling in for good. Godfather, mom and I have been going on walks - so nice to have some exercise. Inspiration is flowing. And you know... I'm not all that disappointed for a week and a half of break, because I know I only have one quarter - ten more weeks - to plow through before my nice, long, 3-month break. 

While I'm on a similar topic... I found my magic journal a couple days ago. I still practice various affirmations daily (especially those pertaining to travel and car safety), and after reading through it, it makes me want to incorporate it into my lifestyle again. In fact, I was very touched by an entry I made (funnily enough, I don't remember writing it):

 I am connected to all things. Because of this, I have a natural gift which allows me to access knowledge and wisdom in all places. No secret is hidden from me. My senses are sharp. I see the truth in all things. I see the past, present, and future. I am the universe; therefore, I am entitled to this information. I am that which I teach: I am love, compassion, acceptance, balance.

I think it'll come very much in handy, especially since big change has made itself known in the future. It works best, though, when I'm in a meditative state when making an entry. Or, at least, focusing on what's being said. 

I did have other things I wanted to mention, but I'll save them for later. We're heading out to my favorite sushi restaurant in a couple hours and I wanted to get some writing in before then.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day - I don't really care much for it, but maybe others do. 

Fatigue

"Sweet Leaf" - by goatshrine @ deviantART

Another quarter down.
As always, I feel like I'm not done. Like I have homework to do over the weekend.

A week and a half isn't much. That's barely any time for me to recuperate mentally. Fortunately, spring quarter shouldn't be too bad; I'm taking only one illustration class, Computer Art (a 100-level course) and Italian Renaissance Art, which should be quite enjoyable considering my intense interest in the subject. 

I will say, though, that I'm not entirely happy that my godfather is here for six more days. It's nice to see him for a little while, but he has freaking nothing to do here (he was taking apart a rubik's cube last night?), and both my mother and I feel obligated to entertain him, which means something along the lines of board games. And board games tire me after a while - especially when I'm in school.

On top of that, the little things are starting to bug me: he leaves the toilet seat up; he can't be bothered to change a roll of toilet paper even though there's a new roll directly under it; he doesn't seem to know how to put dishes in the dishwasher, etc. It's almost like he's getting... comfy here.

But once again, I'm giving him a break, because I know how miserable he is back at home, having to take care of his dad, who seems to be getting more difficult to handle as time passes. However, as much as I love him, I still do need my introvert time... 

I'm feeling very fatigued today. I'm not sure why. Yesterday wasn't particularly draining - I even got to leave 45 minutes early. But I feel... lethargic and slow-moving. The first word that came to mind this morning was exercise. I feel like I really need it. My mom's been talking about walking recently, so I guess she's just waiting for a warmer day to do it (a cold front blew in yesterday). I'm going to go with her because I really do need that exercise. I owe that to my body.

I'm not planning on an entirely productive break. It'll probably be filled with GW2. I was thinking about at least doing one personal artwork, but I'm burnt out. Maybe I'll try to incorporate some writing, instead... but I don't think that will happen either, honestly. 

Let the gaming begin. 

Liberation

"Liberation" - by Rassouli

Well, then.
The biggest news?
My dad was in a car accident yesterday.

I'm still in shock. I mean, it was minor, and he wasn't injured (he does say he feels "different" though, and we're not sure whether something will develop as a result), but see... in my family, and amongst certain friends, my dad has a reputation. He speeds, but knows how to maneuver himself in traffic. He always has an "out" (a way to escape from a potentially unwanted situation). He weaves. He just handles the car really well, even at high speeds. Some - like my mom - think he drives recklessly (he likes to ride people's arses, etc.), but others - like my brother and me - just think he's a pro.

So we're still amazed, because dad of all people got into an accident. Unfortunately, he didn't have an out this time, and as he sat (at a light, I think), he saw the woman behind him in a SUV barreling toward him... and not braking. So he braced for it, which my mom kept saying is a mistake (but also admitted would be hard to not do in that situation), and.... bam. Sent him bumping into another SUV in front of him.

I do feel sad for Harvey, though. Apparently he has a cracked windshield, a missing grill, a busted headlight, and some rear damage - my dad said he's going to get whatever money he can from our bank/insurance and then get rid of him. He's planning to get rid of both Contours over the summer anyway, but still... it's only March, and that means we're down to only two cars (technically Harvey is drivable, but his airbags are deployed and - well - yeah. Only for emergency use, I guess). 

Of course, the more drivable of the Contours is the one that gets hit... but at least it wasn't Hans. 

And you know - the eeriest thing about this situation is that I had been receiving little omens about it all yesterday while I was at school. We got a lot of rain later in the day but on both my way to school and back home, I saw cops and accidents and road closures. On top of that, there's a girl in my studio classes who is having pain and problems because of a similar accident she had, and then, a couple of my friends were discussing this girl they knew, because the girl's father had recently died (he fell off a roof?). 

But I didn't think anything of it, of course. I never got any texts from my mom because it wasn't a major accident, so I didn't find out until I got home. 

That's enough of that, though. I'm just glad my dad's okay and that it wasn't Hans that got hit. 

In other news, I'm down to one day left of school - then I'll have my freedom for about a week and a half. Tomorrow, I have to do a speaking assignment in each of my classes... so not terribly exciting. Will probably be able to leave early, though, because my last class is small and our presentation is based on critiquing someone else's project. 

My narwhal project got a lot of love from my classmates, which made me happy. I was hoping for at least a 90, but my professor gave me an 87, which I won't argue with. Beats the 85s that I've been getting from her the last couple of projects. My rooster project, on the other hand - well - I'm just done with it. It looks like crap, but for some reason, my classmates kept coming up to me yesterday and telling me it looks beautiful. Maybe it's just the sepia... because there's seriously nothing exciting about this illustration at all (and that's not modesty). I had too much fun with the doll project, and now, I'm unmotivated, burnt out, and bored. 

My meditation with Shiva was brief. DST had me screwed up, so I didn't want to spend too much time trying to connect with him. I've had much better medi sessions with him; at least I acknowledged his presence.

I saw the first flowers sprouting on a tree in town. That made me so happy. I keep looking out my window, searching for signs of spring, reminding myself how beautiful and green it gets in my neighborhood when it's warm. I'm so excited. The cold weather has pretty much moved out...

I only have a couple things to do today, so I should get a move on.
 

Maha Shivaratri

This weekend is sure feeling long.

I had a dream this morning about being late for school - I wonder if that had anything to do with Daylight Savings Time. But at least now it'll be brighter when I leave school at 7:30 PM (fortunately I only have to do this for two more days). 

I pulled out my Gita deck to connect with Shiva on this day. To be honest, I'm not really feeling the Gita deck anymore. It's different from other types of decks... and somehow I don't feel like it fits Shiva anyway. My connection with Shiva is like my connection with Pierre - it's instinctive, intuitive, and doesn't require much interpretation. So I felt rather stiff selecting cards here. Maybe I'd feel more connected to a deck that was based on Shiva instead of Krishna. Hm.

...Eh. I'm looking at these cards, and I'm just not feeling them. My intuition says it isn't right. So I'll forget the mini-reading and instead just focus on the medi session I'm having with him tonight before bed - meditation is when I can best feel him. He hasn't been around much, so I'm guessing there's nothing in my life that needs to be destroyed at the moment. I suppose that's good news? 

Gita. I bought those cards because I loved the art on them. I really do enjoy Hindu art - or any religious art, for that matter - so to be able to have so many illustrations for $10 was a blessing in my eyes. Unfortunately, the cards don't work that well for readings. Although they're referred to as divination cards, they're more like wisdom cards, or cards meant to highlight various "wise" quotes from the Bhagavad Gita. 

I might stop doing readings with them, because the only thing I really like about them is their art. 

In other news, it appears that my godfather is staying with us until the 20th (Ostara). I was a bit disappointed to hear this, because that means I only get 4 or so days truly to myself before another ten weeks of school. But once again, I remind myself that it's not a bad situation at all. I love my godfather, and I'm glad he's here to get away from my grandfather - he deserves the break. 

I've been busy this weekend. I finished that illustrated doll, prepared binders for critique, and did 15 sketchbook pages. I actually have 5 more to do, plus a whole other final, but I have a workday for that final tomorrow, and I tend to work quickly, so I'll probably do most of it at school and finish it up on Tuesday. 

Today, I have to finish that sketchbook assignment, do a powerpoint for a presentation on Wednesday, and study for a 20th century exam. I should probably get on that, so I can spend the rest of my day chilling.   

Happy Maha Shivaratri!

Joyrider

"Joyriders" - by Rassouli

Another brief post - not much to mention at the moment.

The most significant thing? I have one week / two days of school left. As you can imagine, I'm pretty psyched about it, even if break is only a week and a half long. I have some things to finish up this weekend, such as my final projects (although we do get a workday on Monday for one, so less weekend work for me), sketchbook assignments, and other miscellaneous tasks, such as preparing for presentations and studying for a 20th century art exam. 

Then, I found out two nights ago that my godfather will be coming back with my mom and cousin today; he'll be staying until Wednesday while my cousin flies back up to Indiana tonight. I'm excited to see him, but I'm kind of craving my introvert time. Still, though. I will change my attitude, because he's dear to me, and I should be grateful that he's able to come and visit.

The end of the quarter has me in high(er) spirits. And to make things even better, spring is nearing, the sun is returning, I'm getting Hans back to drive (I ended up driving Harvey, my dad's car), and... well. I'm just in good spirits right now. I'm not going to stress over these final projects and tasks. I'm going to take it easy, and whatever happens, happens. 

I've been eager to write again - if not just for fun. Just to make progress. I have ideas dancing around and I need an outlet for them. Winterspell and Crucible call and beckon...  I just have to remember to be patient and not worry so much about whether my ideas are original. Work from the heart.

So yeah. Some tasks to do over the next four days, but you know what? I'm going to have fun with them. I actually ended up more excited about my final for Materials and Techniques - we have to make an illustrated doll (and come up with a little story for it). At first, I was freaked out because sewing is completely unfamiliar territory, but after practicing with my professor's sewing machine and coming out with something that was actually pretty good (and cute), I began to feel more optimistic. Now, I only have to touch up its paint, add some decorative elements, stuff it with polyfill, and hand-sew it closed.

I also wanted to mention dreams briefly. The imagery has been very interesting, but it's still as I said before: I'll only remember parts, or wake up knowing the general feel of the dream, such as this morning. I knew I dreamed about GW2 and fighting in WvW, but I can't recall what actually happened. I'm curious to see if anything will change when I'm on break - since it's so short. 

Not much else to add right now. I just wanted to document a shift in energies. Now, I have a bit of work to do...  

    

Sapling

"The Florist" - by Rassouli

Really quick and brief post just to mention a few things.

The biggest news? My cousin really did have her baby boy yesterday. Out of all days, my shell's birthday. Ha. Weird to think that twenty years ago, at roughly the same time in the day, my mom was having me. My cousin is so like her - young, wanting a family right out of school...

Unfortunately, though, this means that my mom plans to stay until Friday. I only say "unfortunate" because that means I really do have to drive her car to school. That makes me really nervous. I'm hoping it'll be enough to reassure myself that everything will be all right, just as it always is, and that for these two days that I really do have to drive all the way to midtown and back, no one will be as tempted to follow so closely (or, at least, they'll be paying attention). 

That brings me to my next point: I had initially planned to go out today to retrieve supplies for my final projects, but in all honesty, I don't want to. If I had Hans, I'd probably go. I'd really like to avoid driving Haloa unless absolutely necessary. And you know what? I'll explain that to my professor. She'd understand - or at least give me a sympathetic ear. I think I can make it work.

(Plus it's really cold out today... and Haloa's AC is iffy.)

So I guess I'll browse my mom's sewing kit for some stuff I need and work on a refined sketch for my Intro class. 

Yesterday was nice and quiet; dad brought me home that miso salmon and a big slice of red velvet cheesecake, and we sat down and had a mini-picnic in front of The Incredibles for a bit. He also gave me $100 in cash, which I wasn't expecting. We're still planning on a sushi lunch when my mom gets back, though, as well as zip-lining when it gets warmer.

So all in all, a pleasant 20th. 
Now, for the rest of the month, I have to remember:

• March 10th - Maha Shivratri 
• March 10th-24th - Comet PANSTARRS low in the northwest sky after sunset (agh, I hope I can see that one... I think the trees will be blocking it)
• March 20th - Ostara
• March 27th - Holi  

The Big 20

"Pisces" - by Josephine Wall

"Sometimes the fastest way isn't always the best way. Sometimes the best things in life take a while." 

That quote caught my attention on my tumblr dash this morning. I needed to see that reminder.

But yep. The big 20. I'm not much into the whole "age" thing but it's quite an interesting concept to contemplate. I still feel as young as ever - perhaps a bit wiser in my thoughts, deeds, and actions. Most people my age, it seems, feel "old." I definitely don't. Maybe it's because I don't know (or care) how the "real world" operates. That's the great thing about being a Pisces, I think: being a dreamer really keeps you young. 

And guess what? Remember when I said my mom ran off to attend the birth of my cousin's first child? It's very likely he'll be born today, of all days. And if that happens, that'll be some weird synchronicity and fascinating symbolism. I recently wrote a research paper on artist Max Ernst, who was reported to have connected the death of a pet cockatoo to the birth of a new sister. I kind of get the same feeling here... if this baby boy is born today, it'd be quite symbolic. I'm no longer considered a "teenager." Twenty marks a whole new age for me... and simultaneously, a brand new life is born. 

I plan on spending the rest of my day behind GW2. Dad's bringing me either sushi (if it's good) or miso salmon and cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory when he gets home. I also plan on downing a big can of Thai tea, too. So in other words - a nice, quiet birthday home alone. Sounds good. 

I called on Pierre for a "twentieth birthday" reading I found on Aeclectic. I have to admit I could almost feel him there... but not quite. He said this would be a powerful year for me, so I'm curious to see what his answers were in response to my questions:

Childhood - how my childhood shaped who I am today:
Page of Wands. There's definitely a sense of celebration with this card. Of passion and dreams. Intuitively, I know what's being said here. I have carried my youth with me all this time, which is why I struggle so much in life. I have the naivety and optimism of a child that many can't - or won't - appreciate or respect.

Teenager - more recent influences on who I am today:
3 of Disks. A very interesting card because of its emphasis on family. However, another strong idea is new birth, or a sense of love, compassion, peace, and dreams fulfilled. The new birth makes a lot of sense seeing how my teenage years were very much a "rebirth" - the most drastic being when I was about sixteen.

As I enter my twenties:
6 of Cups. Another intriguing card. At first, it comes off as "drowning," but upon closer inspection, there's a sense of triumph here. The figure depicted looks rather content, despite being almost entirely submerged in water. His crab-claw hands are the only things not submerged... and he's shown with wings. In fact, this looks more refreshing than dismal. It's not a "dark" card. It looks more like cleansing. And... wow. I really feel this card. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck, but dang. I know what this card means.

My potential future:
9 of Disks.This one gives me a feeling that I can't put into words. It's very earthy and very material (which makes sense given the suit). I get the impression of either triumphing over the material or ascending past the material, as in... it loses its importance. There's a lot of symbolism here and it's kind of difficult to take in all at once. Once again, I just know its meaning.

Things I need to outgrow or let go of:
4 of Cups. There's not a whole lot of "information" with this card. It shows a shell on a beach, with the waves hitting some rocks. It seems kind of overcast. I'd say "emotional turbulence" - maybe even spite or anger. But there's also a major sense of solitude or loneliness here. 

Things I need to embrace or nurture:
Knight of Disks. This doesn't appear to be a coincidence. The imagery in this card sums up one of my deepest desires: to live youthfully, simply, in nature. I know what this card means in my heart.

Skills and traits to develop:
10 of Wands. This card doesn't speak much on "skills" unless you have a bit of an imagination. It shows a man clad in fiery robes on the back of a white horse, with a bow in hand and arrows in a quiver. Every time I see a bow, I think of hunting, or seeking out that which I desire. So perhaps this card is less about "skill" and more about "traits," in which case I need to focus on just that - my desires. 

Challenges I must face:
7 of Disks. The first thing I notice about this card is the darkness. Its very abstract imagery... in fact, kind of tricky to decipher. It looks like the dark forms of mountains against a fiery sky (with a black sun either rising or setting)... plus several runes (the disks) and some feathery shapes. Once again, I just know. I can't put it into words.

Rewards I will reap:
4 of Wands. I'm looking up at a mighty tree as fire seems to consume it. But it doesn't look "bad" to me. I get more the impression of the "cycle of life" - where forest fires consume and leave behind fertile soil for better, more improved things to grow. I am that forest - all the old will be burned away, leaving behind sprouts of new life. 

Hopes and fears as I enter adulthood:
10 of Swords. A very applicable card because it's quite dark. It looks like "death" imagery in the traditional sense: a figure (or in this case, bird-creature) on horseback with a scythe... I believe this is the card that represents defeat, in which case this is very accurate. I'm resisting "adult life" as much as I can because I don't know how this crazy modern world works and I don't resonate with it - plus, I don't want to be taken advantage of. 

A birthday gift:
6 of Wands. A strong, confident, yet calm figure is depicted with a black, serpentine, dragon-esque creature. It almost seems like me. Maybe that's the point. Is it any surprise that a black dragon-esque creature is paired with this figure? Perhaps this one is meant to remind me of my true roots... to remind me that I don't have to be anyone other than myself. And that's a lovely gift. 

So there I have it. Wow. The Mary-el is something else... but what's odd is that this is the first reading I've had where I've been so consciously aware of what the cards mean to me intuitively. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck or a mix of both, but I felt like I knew instantly what the cards meant without studying their imagery or symbolism for too long. I like to think Pierre has to do with it a bit... he always seems to come in so clearly, even if he now seems like a figment of my imagination (but, I remind myself, remember what Adonai said about imagination...). 

I'm excited. I feel hopeful... the sun is making a return.