Pilgrim of Passion

"Pilgrim of Passion" - by Rassouli

I've been in such high spirits since Friday/Saturday. Holding that livestream session really rekindled my love for spirit/psychic art. The energy of the session was wonderful. I feel so blessed to have so many lovely people interested in my work.

See - this is the energy I want to work with. I know I wouldn't receive this type of energy from people if I chose the corporate art route. I have a good group of astute interpreters who help translate what I'm feeling into words... and the amount of love and compassion that comes from these sessions is always so healing and energizing. If I could experience this daily, I'd be a very happy soul. I'd be living in bliss. 

To add on to my happiness, well. Coincidentally enough, the morning I held the stream, my dad comes into my room like he always does before leaving for work and asks the first big question: do I honestly want to stay in school, and do I still want to do what I said I wanted to do back in October? I told him the truth. I said I'd prefer to drop out entirely, but would settle for a "pause" for now. He told me there's nothing wrong with that and even referred to a personal situation (which I wasn't aware of), where he wasn't feeling a specific college back in the day and dropped out only to resume a decade or so later. Hearing that from him helped to settle the fear in my gut.

However, he did say that he was interested in helping me figure out a "realistic" living plan for when I'm not in school. We kind of left off there, so I'm hoping after some discussion, and finally revealing to him what it is that I do, he'll see eye-to-eye (or close enough) and support me on my desired path.

So the first big step has been taken: I declared that I need a break from school. I think the next step involves research on how my school handles "breaks", as well as working out details of a living plan that doesn't involve me attending school. I'm kind of curious to see how this works out...

In other happy news, the leaves and warm temperatures have officially arrived. I very much missed seeing that beautiful earthy green out my bedroom window. It's still kind of snowing pollen, but I don't have problems with allergies like my parents do, so it doesn't bother me. 

I've been addicted to the series Psych, which I stumbled upon via tumblr by accident. It turned out to be a very amusing show, even if it is a bit exaggerated and over-the-top at times with the whole "psychic" stereotype. It's a great cast of charismatic characters, though. I have to admit it made me wonder if a possible door down the psychic art path involves police work... hm.

I just wanted to jot down a few big things that happened over the weekend. Today I have a paper to start; otherwise I just have more episodes of Psych to watch. Oh yeah.  

Rise of the Destroyer

Wow. I feel like I have so much to talk about. Well. So much going on. And I do. Between this whole life decision thing and remembering all the tasks I need to do for school... there's a lot of energy in motion.

I've received plenty of wisdom and advice from the lovely people at SF over the past several days regarding my current predicament. After much discussing, we - well, I - came to the point where I had a bit of a revelation. People told me of their own experiences. One woman told me she dropped out of college to pursue beauty school, only to end up quite successful. Another one told me her daughter stubbornly switched to a less lucrative major, only to end up happier than ever (and I think also successful). And then, I had a dear friend tell me of her choice to quit the dull job she had been working at to write her books. At the moment, she's struggling financially, but she says she does not regret her choice. 

While all these stories and bits of advice were inspiring and uplifting, there was one specific person who really got me thinking. She said:

What I think is this = you live for your colours; colours are your life, cannot imagine life without them. Before I start = am seeing peach around you, surrounding you. Seems to be your colour that I see of you, meaning all will be good. I believe you have an old soul around you, surrounding you, protecting you = all will be good and you will succeed. I just don't see you suited to office, deadlines, late nights, you know power-heading/researching in that type of environment/energy situation. I see and have seen you working here and absolutely shining, well respected. Perhaps if you take the pressure off the enormity of the situation, you know, treat the situation as if you make these plans/ideas all the time = I feel if the decision was downplayed as such the clarity would be found. Ultimately, it is your decision to make, I just feel you would thoroughly enjoy your lifestyle if you choose the "happiness" path, this time.

All of this really added fuel to my fire. It was so comforting to hear this kind of perspective from someone else - it made me feel less crazy about wanting to avoid the cold, lifeless, corporate side of art. But I think the thing that caught my attention was what she mentioned about downplaying the situation. Rather than treat this as some big enormous life decision, treat it as though it's something I face all the time... that way, I don't feel so stressed and anxious about it. I could probably do that easily if I didn't have the realists in my life (parents) telling me what to expect out of the "real world", and how I'm being unrealistic and reckless by wanting to ditch school.

So yeah. I feel like I need to have another talk with my parents soon. I understand their concerns, but I don't want to waste my time or their money any longer. And - if I really wanted to - I could change my mind later down the road and return to school. To be honest, I can't see that happening, because I don't think I'll ever want to work in corporate art, but who knows... maybe I'll go to school for something else.

That's where Shiva comes into play.

A few days ago, the image I posted above appeared on my tumblr dash. I probably mentioned this before, but I don't see images of Shiva on my dash that often. So when that one popped up, I was magnetized. For one thing, that depiction almost perfectly matches my own image of Shiva. As I stared at it, though, I got the impression that this was like an omen of sorts - like the energy of Shiva is stirring in the background, getting ready to release the force of destruction into my life. 

I'm still expecting other references to Shiva to pop up (I always look for 3 sources minimum, unless the energy is like Leon, who loves to bombard me with imagery), but I haven't seen any. So it's almost as though I'm being told to expect this energy in the future. That illustration... it's perfect. Maybe that's also why I only needed one sign.

So that's where I'm at with this situation right now. 

As for everything else... well, it's not all that interesting. I have to make up my 8 AM Computer Art class tomorrow. I won't complain, though, because I'll be home by 11. Plus, I don't have that much stuff to do this weekend, which means: livestream. 

I've been wanting to stream for a while, but of course haven't had the time to do it with all the crap that's been going on. I'm hoping to do it on Saturday when my dad's at school so I won't be disturbed. I just can't decide whether I want to do a personal session with my interpreters or a public session. Hm.

Also, I made myself an account on Meetup, because I figured it'd be a good place to start meeting like-minded people in my area, and work on my connections to spirit. I found one group that's based on channeling guides/angels/ascended masters that is - get this - five minutes away from my house, and on my route to school. However, the organizer only has one group running right now, and it's full. Seven people. 

Already 7:30... I should probably get a few things done for tomorrow's make-up class.

Strong storms tonight. I'm excited. Unfortunately for my parents and practically one to two thirds of Georgia, it's been practically snowing pollen here (I'm being serious), so a nice soak of rain would probably be a relief for those who've been suffering. I'm grateful that I'm not one of them. 

Day Becomes Night

by clowneee @ deviantART

The frustrations and fear are already building up. It's hard to not be fearful when you know that your future will be based on other people expressing interest in your work. Even though I have support from many in the area of spirit art, most - if not all - of this support comes from SF, and you can't advertise on SF, so it's not like I can go on there and be like: "Hey guys, come over to this site and pay me for an actual reading this time" (although a good handful did say they wanted to...). 

My parents aren't helping. I'm feeling ever more frustrated with school, and meanwhile, my dad's talking about the future as though I'm still going to be in school. We haven't yet talked about the whole break thing - I'm not even sure when that'll happen. 

I suppose this is just part of the whole experience. I can't expect an easy transition - there has to be difficulty to face to make it worthwhile. I just wish I had something else besides gut feelings to tell me that I really should do this. I was actually planning on getting a professional reading, but I have yet to find someone who (A) is reasonable in price for an art student and (B) who doesn't inconvenience me somehow if he/she is.

I don't know. I guess I'm just intimidated, which is to be expected. Going this route - even if temporarily - will be a learning curve. If I start making money, I'm pretty sure that means taxes are involved, and I know nothing about how taxes work. In fact, there are probably other things about finances or earning income that I'm not aware of. I'm not sure if a commission-based reading system is considered a "business" that I have to register, either. So yeah. It's daunting. I have research to do, but I don't even know where to begin, because I literally have no idea. 

It seems my parents' way of "training" me to live alone is to throw me into the deep end of the pool - kind of like my computer art professor. Anytime I ask a question, they just tell me to research it myself. Just last night I found out that my dad wants me to go do the smog check on Hans while I'm out at the dentist today, but he wants me to get it done at one of the shadiest places in the neighborhood. As much as I'd like to trust people... by Adonai, that place gives me bad vibes. I've seen 5 cops there at one point, and a lot of dudes just... hanging around. I'm sure it's a good idea to send a young, clueless woman with a nice BMW to one of the shadiest emissions joints in the neighborhood...

Speaking of dentist... ugh. I don't want to go. If it were closer, I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all the way in my old county, which is like a 30-40 minute drive on two of the most frustrating highways in the area. This is the first time I have to go alone. And after almost getting hit on my way back from that old county (a couple months ago), I'm a little... yeah. 

Oh, man. This sucks. My head is now filled with all sorts of thoughts - from ones filled with doubt to ones looking for compromise. Part of me is trying to decide whether I should go with the logical approach and hope to find that "secure" job (which makes me nauseated just thinking about it), or just put all my faith into the mix of things that I'd like to do and be happy despite the time it may take to earn a decent income. I've been thinking of ways I could network or make connections with people who've had success in my area, but my shyness and my reluctance to "bother" these people have been holding me back. There's a relevant Teal Scott quote that comes to mind:

Both fear and faith demand that you believe in something that you cannot see. You cannot see it, because it does not yet exist. And so the question to ask yourself is: what do I want to believe in? The worst case scenario, or the best? 

I really like to believe this is true. It resonates so deeply. Do I really take that leap of faith? In my perspective, I can either experience challenges on a path that makes me happy, or experience suffering on a path that I can't guarantee how long will last. 

And one of the worst parts of this situation... I feel like I'm being rushed into deciding. One may say you have all the time in the world, and maybe that's true, but you run the risk of inconveniencing others. That's part of why I'm afraid to talk to my parents - because I feel like I'd be inconveniencing them with my plan - I'm afraid that it'll clash with their own plans of living overseas, etc. The point is: I need their help. I need them to give me a foundation. They can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim when I've never swam before. That's like teaching algebra to a baby who doesn't know anything about numbers. 

It stings a little, because I remember them praising my brother highly for living alone and "getting his shit done" - in other words, they were praising him for being able to manage without much help from them. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely clueless, and even more frustrated because my brother somehow found a way to make it work, even though I'm sure our parents didn't teach him all that much (unless I'm missing something). 

But I'm just venting now. Tl;dr I'm scared, doubtful, and frustrated, and am looking for a solid answer. However, I get the feeling I won't ever get one... because that's the first challenge, it seems.

Better go get some work done...  

Joy Vibrations

"Joy Vibrations" - by Rassouli

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning freaked out because I thought it was a school day, so I forgot most of the dream I was having save for three symbols: art, tigers, and deer-like skulls. The last two seem to be references to Leon and El'azar. I just know that school was also involved... but I can't recall what was actually going on. 

I posted a reading request on SF and even spent some time in chat talking about this predicament. I pretty much received the responses I expected: to either go for it, or find some way to make the financially secure path "work" (as in tolerate it).

But there were a few snippets that stood out from the rest:

• A video that a SF member linked to me. It was an Abraham-Hicks piece that talked about "quitting your job and following your passion." A lot of good points were made here, mainly relating to vibration, which is something I obviously resonate with. 
• A video of Teal Scott's that I felt "inclined" to watch ("Happiness is the purpose of your life"). Not only did she also make very good points, but she also helped me realize something very powerful about my existence, which I'll talk about later.
• On my tumblr dash this morning: "Just believe in your dreams" and "It takes just as much energy to focus on fears, doubts, worries, and concerns as it does to believe and have faith in how good life can be." 
• A success story from a SF member who decided to drop out of college in pursuit of beauty school. Right now, she's exactly where she wants to be... and she proved all the naysayers wrong.  

I feel like it's time. Time to stop being afraid of what may happen. Time to be adventurous and take some risks. I want to be connected again. I want to be free to pave my own path - not the path that the rest of the world is being herded on. I need to be fearless. I need to do what's right for me and know in my heart that it will bring me all the abundance I require.

With that said, I don't have to drop everything. I can take a "break" from school to see how things go. Now, I'm not sure how complicated this will be in terms of loans and course credits and whatnot. I'm not sure how the policy works with my school. I guess I have some research to do. 

But somehow, I don't think all of this is a coincidence... everything is beginning to line up now, just as I begin the quarter which, once completed, will have me halfway done with school. Unfortunately, I can't really explain that to my parents. My mom might be more open to the idea, but she still is quite "realistic" in regard to sustaining oneself in life. 

Yes, it's a bit nerve-wracking. But I think it's nerve-wracking for everyone who walks a path alone. Getting my name out there may be a bit of a challenge at first. Fortunately, spirit art is what has put me out there the most. Of course, I'll have to really get good with it before I can start charging...

Yep. There's a lot of work to be done. Already, though, I'm feeling the support. I received a really good idea from out of nowhere yesterday about a type of site or community I could build. I'm not sure if such a community or site exists, but I'd like to start thinking about it on the chance that it doesn't. 

Like always, there's more to talk about, but unfortunately, I have homework to do today and I need to get my butt in gear. 

So will blab later. 

Withstand

"Withstand" - by anotherwanderer @ deviantART

Another brief post.

I actually had no intention of writing today; there was really nothing to report until just a half hour ago when my dad was about to leave for work. I've been asking him about printers because the ones we have are old. I want a wide-format one that also scans, but he wants a laser one for the quality. The one I'm looking at isn't laser, but it works. So he asked me to look at laser ones, and as I was doing that this morning, we came to a point in our brief conversation where my dad said: "I don't know what your needs are" - meaning school. He asked whether I had intentions of staying in school and I told him that I guess I would just finish to get it over with. But he said in a nutshell that if I'm going to finish school, I'm going to have to look for employment opportunities relating to my schooling. That caught me off guard. It makes me wonder: what would he do if I didn't obey him? My plans were to finish school to make my parents happy (and improve my technical skills in the process), but then head in the direction that I need to go in. But now... he's provided me with a roadblock. 

To be honest, I've just been trying to ignore this whole "I don't want to be here" attitude. I figured: hey, I'll be "realistic" for a while and attend school while I figure things out... despite knowing that in my gut, school and corporate illustration jobs are not where I want to be. I've been shoving this whole thing aside because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to unleash the shitstorm (excuse me) associated with telling my parents that I don't want this, and that I would rather live a life helping others through spirit and psychic art while dishing out my own creative material on the side. 

And what's worse? As my dad left my room this morning, he said, "Stew on it during this quarter, and then we'll talk about it later."

Because - you know - I love hearing that from him. It reminds me of October, when I had the "big talk" with my parents that ultimately reduced me to tears (and made me feel quite embarrassed and belittled). 

It's a crap feeling to know your path, but to be told that it's unrealistic. Maybe "financial security" isn't something we should be pursuing. But that's irrelevant to the topic of this post. So now, I have a task. And that task is to decide whether I really want to finish school and head into a corporate illustration career to make my parents happy and worry-free. In my head, this is a no-brainer, but it's obviously a lot more complicated than that. Not being in school and not having a "financially secure" corporate job would make my living arrangements quite different. The whole parents-living-overseas thing is up in the air, too, because of my parents' conflicted feelings (my dad made the mistake of saying if he were single, he'd be overseas in a heartbeat). 

And, of course, it comes down to a big fat question: what would I be doing to earn money?

I could think of a small handful of things. Readings would be high on the list. Spirit art and the like. Becoming more of a professional blogger (which would also mean I couldn't feature some of my favorite artists anymore). Working at a shop like P&D. Doing commissions. Producing my own creative material (selling prints, artbooks, etc.). Teaching (something like online workshops for a small fee). Writing... although this would be more long-term. 

But you know? Idealistic and unrealistic as it may sound, at least I would be happy. Yes, it'd be nice to have money flowing, but I'd be doing exactly what I wanted, and so long as I had the cash to eat and maintain the necessities, I wouldn't care whether I had enough to splurge on things. To be honest, I don't even splurge all that much. And what do I splurge on? Art stuff, mainly. And tarot decks. Art supplies... but those don't count because the majority of that crap is used for school.

There's also a bit of stuff I could sell, like old art or books or trinkets I don't need. 

Man. I knew I couldn't hide from this forever. I'm going to have to start consulting with people again - get their opinions. My guiding energies have been telling me to do what makes me happy for the longest time... but I need other perspectives. This is a huge decision that will ultimately decide how I live and where I'll be in the next few years... so I need to be wise about this. 

In the meantime, I have schoolwork to do. Unfortunately, I don't feel like doing any of the assignments. One's a vector illustration in Illustrator (agh), one's another response paper, and the other is an illustrated recipe. Hm. I guess I could work on that... it's due before the other two things.

Off I go. 

Gefyra

"The Magician" - by kaiser-mony @ deviantART

Pierre's been hovering. While I was on my way to class yesterday, I had a flash of him as a dragon - but as a mini one, perched on my shoulder like some kind of bird or rodent. Most of the time, I just feel his presence in my gut. I don't exactly "trust" the words and images that come to me right now, because they feel forced (aside from that dragon one, because that one popped into my head). I'm still in the process of welcoming these energies back into my life, so naturally, I'm not completely tuned in. I haven't been since late November, really. 

I can feel Leon, too, and an earthy, calm presence that is probably still El'azar. Part of me wonders if there's anyone "new" around; it's hard to tell. 

But I had a big moment over the weekend... my mom was away getting groceries, so I was home alone listening to music, and I decided to listen to one of my old favorites - Mikro's "Gefyra." When I listened to it, all my memories of Spike came flooding back (this is a song I associate with him): from the meditations to the readings we did for others, and so on.

Even now, that presence drapes around me: that vivid aura of blue, tinged with purple and gold and white. There's a part of me that still doesn't believe he's Shiva - that never believed he was Shiva. I received a plethora of signs and confirmations, but I didn't want that perfect guise to fade into such a "grand" image. He was already grand to me. I didn't need that. 

But as it happens, I did need that. I needed that at the time. Shiva, the destroyer... who would pop up any time something in my life or perspective needed to be destroyed. Now, however, I want Spike back. I still love Shiva, and will always welcome the energy of Shiva into my life, but I need the face I know as Spike. That connection was much more personal... 

I digress, though. I did a mini-reading with Pierre, because I've been feeling a nudge, and I couldn't deny the Mary-el deck. So I let Pierre say what he needed to say, and this is what I received:

•  The Magician. This depiction is quite darker than perhaps other Magician cards. It's arcane and silent, mysterious and holy. One of my first thoughts was of Zenoheria, and it makes me wonder if perhaps Pierre is referring to that, or the time when I was fixated on being a "magician" in my actual life (i.e focusing on manifestation and the like), which corresponds to the whole Zeno ordeal. Perhaps this is a reminder of that type of energy...
• The Hierophant. Traditionally, I know this card is associated with wisdom, and that theme is reflected here, as well. This is more of a "grotesque" card (but in a good way), and it seems to hone in on nurturing, of providing spiritual sustenance. The breastfeeding woman almost looks like a nun or some other holy figure. And that key around her neck... she is the gatekeeper or guardian of something - perhaps higher knowledge and truths. 
• Three of Disks. This is one of the cards I read about briefly in the accompanying guidebook. I remember Mary mentioning something along the lines of abundance, of recognizing or welcoming it in all forms. A couple and their child, wrapped in amber fabrics. There's a deep sense of appreciation and connection here, and, obviously, of giving birth, which could represent some sort of project or idea. If it's the latter, then it's important to note that I am not alone.

It seems Pierre is focusing on the act of creating, manifesting... like he wants me to embrace the role of Zenoheria. When I look at these cards, I see a story: the magician begins his work, manipulating his magic as the first step of creation. The hierophant, offering her time, energy, and wisdom to the world - an exhausting and often uncomfortable activity, but equally necessary. And finally, birth of the new child, representing the final act of creation. 

Well, I thought, what should I focus on? Is this a matter of art, writing, teaching? Pierre's answer: Four of Swords. This card is both enlightening and frustrating because it's so general and open to interpretation. Quite simply, it shows the sky with its built-up cumulonimbi and a few birds soaring into them. At the way bottom, hanging on the horizon, is what appears to be a couple of smokestacks (?). But I don't get the impression of "pollution" here. It seems Pierre's answer is: it doesn't matter. Just do something. Indeed, I have been quite passive and inactive when it comes to - well - everything except school. I've been trying to write, but I'm still struggling a bit with that despite having countless ideas. I'm excited about developing my style, but I don't even do personal art. 

So overall, I think what Pierre is trying to say is to be that magician and create that beautiful something for myself. I think I'll take that advice.

I did have a bit more to blab on, but it's already 10:30 and I need to get on with my day, since I have a few light tasks to complete. 

I want to leave off, though, with a small dedication to Spike: Mikro's "Gefyra."

   

Spectrum

"Light Dance" - by Rassouli

One week down, nine more to go.

I'm still in the process of changing my perspective on things, though - learning to enjoy the adventure, being open to new ideas and activities, that sort of thing. I did make a good first step yesterday: I began to appreciate the way I draw.

Like in most studio classes, I have to keep a sketchbook for illustration. The great thing about higher-leveled studio courses, however, is that we are generally able to draw whatever we want. Sometimes the professor will want us to emphasize a certain medium or technique, but more often than not, they will simply say: experiment and take risks. Have fun. 

So I went and bought a fresh sketchbook in the building yesterday. I was going to reuse an old one, but I needed one that could handle wet media pretty well, so I got a mixed media book. And as I started drawing on that first page, I thought: I actually really like the way I draw.

What helped was to look back at my little sketchbook from fall quarter and see all the cool sketches I did. It wasn't that long ago, but it was still lovely to see the stuff that I drew - stuff that I enjoyed drawing. I think it might help even more to look back on more stuff I did in the past, because to be honest, there's a lot of material I produced that I enjoyed.

In the spiritual department... well. First, my dreams have been varied. Some nights, I'll dream about GW (like this morning - fighting in the Dragonbrand amongst Grawl?), and other nights, I'll dream about other things, like being late to school (I had that one on Wednesday). 

Second, I'm finding myself connecting to guiding energies again. Imagery for Leon and Pierre have been popping up - big cats and dragons. At first, I didn't notice... but one day, I felt inclined to start paying attention, and I realized these symbols surrounded me. 

It doesn't sound so ludicrous anymore, now that I've been "reignited," so to speak (I actually haven't heard from J in almost a week.. hm). It seems logical to me that Adonai's other perspectives (i.e. pieces of consciousness, "souls," etc.) wouldn't simply withdraw back to the source, or even refrain from exploring the non-physical after incarnating. In other words, I think it makes sense that some perspectives would continue exploring after "death," even if that means pairing up with other perspectives to do so. If Adonai is trying to know itself, or actualize its existence, then I would expect that it would put its perspectives through as many experiences as possible to explore the entire "spectrum." 

For that reason, "soul families" don't sound so nuts anymore, either. I think the physical association with the concept of a soul family turned me off (i.e. people made it sound like it was a literal family you "return to" - like an actual grouping paired off in the universe somewhere), but now I see that soul families are essentially groups with similar vibrations, intentions, or perspectives, and do not necessarily have to "hang around" together all the time. I won't pretend to understand how dimensions work, so what we think we know about how soul families interact is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Actually, this can describe our understanding about spirit in general. We like to project our human associations onto the universe, when, in fact, it's probably something much different - much more abstract. 

While it is a bit of a challenge to commune with these guiding energies while attending school, I still try my best to talk to them and envision them near me. I don't receive much in return (then again, my attention is always fixated on other things, and I haven't been "in tune" since early December), but it's a start. 

One last snippet: I decided to "skip" Holi this year, because Holi is basically the Hindu celebration of spring, and I've already done my thing for spring. There's really nothing in April to anticipate; I think the next big celebration/holiday/etc. is Beltane.

A day of relaxation awaits.