Energies of Creation

"Energies of Creation" - by Rassouli

I feel like I've been having so many interesting dreams over these past few days, but when I wake, I don't remember them. I know one had to do with GW - another with preparing a gift for BB. Hm. I guess most of my dreams still aren't important for me to be aware of.

I've begun writing again. Well, world and plot-building, to be more specific. I'm at the point where I've played GW2 enough that I don't have to play it every single minute I find I have free time. I've mellowed out, done a lot of what I can do without getting into the more experienced stuff, and - well - am beginning to find myself interested in writing again. So every day - at least during break - I'm planning to work on a bit of world-building for Crucible, in hopes that I make some progress. I'm approaching it with a different attitude, too. Instead of being in a rush to finish, I'm taking my time and enjoying the process. The adventure. I won't say that I think things will work out this time, because I said that the last time I was working on plot, and once again, things changed.

But that's exactly why Crucible is my dearest project. It's growing and maturing along with me. My other projects have been relatively static, but Crucible keeps changing. 

I have three more days with my godfather, counting today. I admit I'm excited. I feel bad because I can no longer bring myself to play board games with him and mom. But I do miss my introvert time. My privacy. I had to hide my tarot/oracle cards because when he comes in here, he tends to ask about certain things I have, and because he's (A) been raised as a Christian and (B) not that open-minded, I'd rather not have to explain why I'm in possession of several tarot decks to one of my most beloved family members. It's a shame I have to hide a big part of who I am to my family. Maybe one day, they'll understand.

I'm feeling really good lately. The warm weather seems to be settling in for good. Godfather, mom and I have been going on walks - so nice to have some exercise. Inspiration is flowing. And you know... I'm not all that disappointed for a week and a half of break, because I know I only have one quarter - ten more weeks - to plow through before my nice, long, 3-month break. 

While I'm on a similar topic... I found my magic journal a couple days ago. I still practice various affirmations daily (especially those pertaining to travel and car safety), and after reading through it, it makes me want to incorporate it into my lifestyle again. In fact, I was very touched by an entry I made (funnily enough, I don't remember writing it):

 I am connected to all things. Because of this, I have a natural gift which allows me to access knowledge and wisdom in all places. No secret is hidden from me. My senses are sharp. I see the truth in all things. I see the past, present, and future. I am the universe; therefore, I am entitled to this information. I am that which I teach: I am love, compassion, acceptance, balance.

I think it'll come very much in handy, especially since big change has made itself known in the future. It works best, though, when I'm in a meditative state when making an entry. Or, at least, focusing on what's being said. 

I did have other things I wanted to mention, but I'll save them for later. We're heading out to my favorite sushi restaurant in a couple hours and I wanted to get some writing in before then.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day - I don't really care much for it, but maybe others do. 

Fatigue

"Sweet Leaf" - by goatshrine @ deviantART

Another quarter down.
As always, I feel like I'm not done. Like I have homework to do over the weekend.

A week and a half isn't much. That's barely any time for me to recuperate mentally. Fortunately, spring quarter shouldn't be too bad; I'm taking only one illustration class, Computer Art (a 100-level course) and Italian Renaissance Art, which should be quite enjoyable considering my intense interest in the subject. 

I will say, though, that I'm not entirely happy that my godfather is here for six more days. It's nice to see him for a little while, but he has freaking nothing to do here (he was taking apart a rubik's cube last night?), and both my mother and I feel obligated to entertain him, which means something along the lines of board games. And board games tire me after a while - especially when I'm in school.

On top of that, the little things are starting to bug me: he leaves the toilet seat up; he can't be bothered to change a roll of toilet paper even though there's a new roll directly under it; he doesn't seem to know how to put dishes in the dishwasher, etc. It's almost like he's getting... comfy here.

But once again, I'm giving him a break, because I know how miserable he is back at home, having to take care of his dad, who seems to be getting more difficult to handle as time passes. However, as much as I love him, I still do need my introvert time... 

I'm feeling very fatigued today. I'm not sure why. Yesterday wasn't particularly draining - I even got to leave 45 minutes early. But I feel... lethargic and slow-moving. The first word that came to mind this morning was exercise. I feel like I really need it. My mom's been talking about walking recently, so I guess she's just waiting for a warmer day to do it (a cold front blew in yesterday). I'm going to go with her because I really do need that exercise. I owe that to my body.

I'm not planning on an entirely productive break. It'll probably be filled with GW2. I was thinking about at least doing one personal artwork, but I'm burnt out. Maybe I'll try to incorporate some writing, instead... but I don't think that will happen either, honestly. 

Let the gaming begin. 

Liberation

"Liberation" - by Rassouli

Well, then.
The biggest news?
My dad was in a car accident yesterday.

I'm still in shock. I mean, it was minor, and he wasn't injured (he does say he feels "different" though, and we're not sure whether something will develop as a result), but see... in my family, and amongst certain friends, my dad has a reputation. He speeds, but knows how to maneuver himself in traffic. He always has an "out" (a way to escape from a potentially unwanted situation). He weaves. He just handles the car really well, even at high speeds. Some - like my mom - think he drives recklessly (he likes to ride people's arses, etc.), but others - like my brother and me - just think he's a pro.

So we're still amazed, because dad of all people got into an accident. Unfortunately, he didn't have an out this time, and as he sat (at a light, I think), he saw the woman behind him in a SUV barreling toward him... and not braking. So he braced for it, which my mom kept saying is a mistake (but also admitted would be hard to not do in that situation), and.... bam. Sent him bumping into another SUV in front of him.

I do feel sad for Harvey, though. Apparently he has a cracked windshield, a missing grill, a busted headlight, and some rear damage - my dad said he's going to get whatever money he can from our bank/insurance and then get rid of him. He's planning to get rid of both Contours over the summer anyway, but still... it's only March, and that means we're down to only two cars (technically Harvey is drivable, but his airbags are deployed and - well - yeah. Only for emergency use, I guess). 

Of course, the more drivable of the Contours is the one that gets hit... but at least it wasn't Hans. 

And you know - the eeriest thing about this situation is that I had been receiving little omens about it all yesterday while I was at school. We got a lot of rain later in the day but on both my way to school and back home, I saw cops and accidents and road closures. On top of that, there's a girl in my studio classes who is having pain and problems because of a similar accident she had, and then, a couple of my friends were discussing this girl they knew, because the girl's father had recently died (he fell off a roof?). 

But I didn't think anything of it, of course. I never got any texts from my mom because it wasn't a major accident, so I didn't find out until I got home. 

That's enough of that, though. I'm just glad my dad's okay and that it wasn't Hans that got hit. 

In other news, I'm down to one day left of school - then I'll have my freedom for about a week and a half. Tomorrow, I have to do a speaking assignment in each of my classes... so not terribly exciting. Will probably be able to leave early, though, because my last class is small and our presentation is based on critiquing someone else's project. 

My narwhal project got a lot of love from my classmates, which made me happy. I was hoping for at least a 90, but my professor gave me an 87, which I won't argue with. Beats the 85s that I've been getting from her the last couple of projects. My rooster project, on the other hand - well - I'm just done with it. It looks like crap, but for some reason, my classmates kept coming up to me yesterday and telling me it looks beautiful. Maybe it's just the sepia... because there's seriously nothing exciting about this illustration at all (and that's not modesty). I had too much fun with the doll project, and now, I'm unmotivated, burnt out, and bored. 

My meditation with Shiva was brief. DST had me screwed up, so I didn't want to spend too much time trying to connect with him. I've had much better medi sessions with him; at least I acknowledged his presence.

I saw the first flowers sprouting on a tree in town. That made me so happy. I keep looking out my window, searching for signs of spring, reminding myself how beautiful and green it gets in my neighborhood when it's warm. I'm so excited. The cold weather has pretty much moved out...

I only have a couple things to do today, so I should get a move on.
 

Maha Shivaratri

This weekend is sure feeling long.

I had a dream this morning about being late for school - I wonder if that had anything to do with Daylight Savings Time. But at least now it'll be brighter when I leave school at 7:30 PM (fortunately I only have to do this for two more days). 

I pulled out my Gita deck to connect with Shiva on this day. To be honest, I'm not really feeling the Gita deck anymore. It's different from other types of decks... and somehow I don't feel like it fits Shiva anyway. My connection with Shiva is like my connection with Pierre - it's instinctive, intuitive, and doesn't require much interpretation. So I felt rather stiff selecting cards here. Maybe I'd feel more connected to a deck that was based on Shiva instead of Krishna. Hm.

...Eh. I'm looking at these cards, and I'm just not feeling them. My intuition says it isn't right. So I'll forget the mini-reading and instead just focus on the medi session I'm having with him tonight before bed - meditation is when I can best feel him. He hasn't been around much, so I'm guessing there's nothing in my life that needs to be destroyed at the moment. I suppose that's good news? 

Gita. I bought those cards because I loved the art on them. I really do enjoy Hindu art - or any religious art, for that matter - so to be able to have so many illustrations for $10 was a blessing in my eyes. Unfortunately, the cards don't work that well for readings. Although they're referred to as divination cards, they're more like wisdom cards, or cards meant to highlight various "wise" quotes from the Bhagavad Gita. 

I might stop doing readings with them, because the only thing I really like about them is their art. 

In other news, it appears that my godfather is staying with us until the 20th (Ostara). I was a bit disappointed to hear this, because that means I only get 4 or so days truly to myself before another ten weeks of school. But once again, I remind myself that it's not a bad situation at all. I love my godfather, and I'm glad he's here to get away from my grandfather - he deserves the break. 

I've been busy this weekend. I finished that illustrated doll, prepared binders for critique, and did 15 sketchbook pages. I actually have 5 more to do, plus a whole other final, but I have a workday for that final tomorrow, and I tend to work quickly, so I'll probably do most of it at school and finish it up on Tuesday. 

Today, I have to finish that sketchbook assignment, do a powerpoint for a presentation on Wednesday, and study for a 20th century exam. I should probably get on that, so I can spend the rest of my day chilling.   

Happy Maha Shivaratri!

Joyrider

"Joyriders" - by Rassouli

Another brief post - not much to mention at the moment.

The most significant thing? I have one week / two days of school left. As you can imagine, I'm pretty psyched about it, even if break is only a week and a half long. I have some things to finish up this weekend, such as my final projects (although we do get a workday on Monday for one, so less weekend work for me), sketchbook assignments, and other miscellaneous tasks, such as preparing for presentations and studying for a 20th century art exam. 

Then, I found out two nights ago that my godfather will be coming back with my mom and cousin today; he'll be staying until Wednesday while my cousin flies back up to Indiana tonight. I'm excited to see him, but I'm kind of craving my introvert time. Still, though. I will change my attitude, because he's dear to me, and I should be grateful that he's able to come and visit.

The end of the quarter has me in high(er) spirits. And to make things even better, spring is nearing, the sun is returning, I'm getting Hans back to drive (I ended up driving Harvey, my dad's car), and... well. I'm just in good spirits right now. I'm not going to stress over these final projects and tasks. I'm going to take it easy, and whatever happens, happens. 

I've been eager to write again - if not just for fun. Just to make progress. I have ideas dancing around and I need an outlet for them. Winterspell and Crucible call and beckon...  I just have to remember to be patient and not worry so much about whether my ideas are original. Work from the heart.

So yeah. Some tasks to do over the next four days, but you know what? I'm going to have fun with them. I actually ended up more excited about my final for Materials and Techniques - we have to make an illustrated doll (and come up with a little story for it). At first, I was freaked out because sewing is completely unfamiliar territory, but after practicing with my professor's sewing machine and coming out with something that was actually pretty good (and cute), I began to feel more optimistic. Now, I only have to touch up its paint, add some decorative elements, stuff it with polyfill, and hand-sew it closed.

I also wanted to mention dreams briefly. The imagery has been very interesting, but it's still as I said before: I'll only remember parts, or wake up knowing the general feel of the dream, such as this morning. I knew I dreamed about GW2 and fighting in WvW, but I can't recall what actually happened. I'm curious to see if anything will change when I'm on break - since it's so short. 

Not much else to add right now. I just wanted to document a shift in energies. Now, I have a bit of work to do...  

    

Sapling

"The Florist" - by Rassouli

Really quick and brief post just to mention a few things.

The biggest news? My cousin really did have her baby boy yesterday. Out of all days, my shell's birthday. Ha. Weird to think that twenty years ago, at roughly the same time in the day, my mom was having me. My cousin is so like her - young, wanting a family right out of school...

Unfortunately, though, this means that my mom plans to stay until Friday. I only say "unfortunate" because that means I really do have to drive her car to school. That makes me really nervous. I'm hoping it'll be enough to reassure myself that everything will be all right, just as it always is, and that for these two days that I really do have to drive all the way to midtown and back, no one will be as tempted to follow so closely (or, at least, they'll be paying attention). 

That brings me to my next point: I had initially planned to go out today to retrieve supplies for my final projects, but in all honesty, I don't want to. If I had Hans, I'd probably go. I'd really like to avoid driving Haloa unless absolutely necessary. And you know what? I'll explain that to my professor. She'd understand - or at least give me a sympathetic ear. I think I can make it work.

(Plus it's really cold out today... and Haloa's AC is iffy.)

So I guess I'll browse my mom's sewing kit for some stuff I need and work on a refined sketch for my Intro class. 

Yesterday was nice and quiet; dad brought me home that miso salmon and a big slice of red velvet cheesecake, and we sat down and had a mini-picnic in front of The Incredibles for a bit. He also gave me $100 in cash, which I wasn't expecting. We're still planning on a sushi lunch when my mom gets back, though, as well as zip-lining when it gets warmer.

So all in all, a pleasant 20th. 
Now, for the rest of the month, I have to remember:

• March 10th - Maha Shivratri 
• March 10th-24th - Comet PANSTARRS low in the northwest sky after sunset (agh, I hope I can see that one... I think the trees will be blocking it)
• March 20th - Ostara
• March 27th - Holi  

The Big 20

"Pisces" - by Josephine Wall

"Sometimes the fastest way isn't always the best way. Sometimes the best things in life take a while." 

That quote caught my attention on my tumblr dash this morning. I needed to see that reminder.

But yep. The big 20. I'm not much into the whole "age" thing but it's quite an interesting concept to contemplate. I still feel as young as ever - perhaps a bit wiser in my thoughts, deeds, and actions. Most people my age, it seems, feel "old." I definitely don't. Maybe it's because I don't know (or care) how the "real world" operates. That's the great thing about being a Pisces, I think: being a dreamer really keeps you young. 

And guess what? Remember when I said my mom ran off to attend the birth of my cousin's first child? It's very likely he'll be born today, of all days. And if that happens, that'll be some weird synchronicity and fascinating symbolism. I recently wrote a research paper on artist Max Ernst, who was reported to have connected the death of a pet cockatoo to the birth of a new sister. I kind of get the same feeling here... if this baby boy is born today, it'd be quite symbolic. I'm no longer considered a "teenager." Twenty marks a whole new age for me... and simultaneously, a brand new life is born. 

I plan on spending the rest of my day behind GW2. Dad's bringing me either sushi (if it's good) or miso salmon and cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory when he gets home. I also plan on downing a big can of Thai tea, too. So in other words - a nice, quiet birthday home alone. Sounds good. 

I called on Pierre for a "twentieth birthday" reading I found on Aeclectic. I have to admit I could almost feel him there... but not quite. He said this would be a powerful year for me, so I'm curious to see what his answers were in response to my questions:

Childhood - how my childhood shaped who I am today:
Page of Wands. There's definitely a sense of celebration with this card. Of passion and dreams. Intuitively, I know what's being said here. I have carried my youth with me all this time, which is why I struggle so much in life. I have the naivety and optimism of a child that many can't - or won't - appreciate or respect.

Teenager - more recent influences on who I am today:
3 of Disks. A very interesting card because of its emphasis on family. However, another strong idea is new birth, or a sense of love, compassion, peace, and dreams fulfilled. The new birth makes a lot of sense seeing how my teenage years were very much a "rebirth" - the most drastic being when I was about sixteen.

As I enter my twenties:
6 of Cups. Another intriguing card. At first, it comes off as "drowning," but upon closer inspection, there's a sense of triumph here. The figure depicted looks rather content, despite being almost entirely submerged in water. His crab-claw hands are the only things not submerged... and he's shown with wings. In fact, this looks more refreshing than dismal. It's not a "dark" card. It looks more like cleansing. And... wow. I really feel this card. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck, but dang. I know what this card means.

My potential future:
9 of Disks.This one gives me a feeling that I can't put into words. It's very earthy and very material (which makes sense given the suit). I get the impression of either triumphing over the material or ascending past the material, as in... it loses its importance. There's a lot of symbolism here and it's kind of difficult to take in all at once. Once again, I just know its meaning.

Things I need to outgrow or let go of:
4 of Cups. There's not a whole lot of "information" with this card. It shows a shell on a beach, with the waves hitting some rocks. It seems kind of overcast. I'd say "emotional turbulence" - maybe even spite or anger. But there's also a major sense of solitude or loneliness here. 

Things I need to embrace or nurture:
Knight of Disks. This doesn't appear to be a coincidence. The imagery in this card sums up one of my deepest desires: to live youthfully, simply, in nature. I know what this card means in my heart.

Skills and traits to develop:
10 of Wands. This card doesn't speak much on "skills" unless you have a bit of an imagination. It shows a man clad in fiery robes on the back of a white horse, with a bow in hand and arrows in a quiver. Every time I see a bow, I think of hunting, or seeking out that which I desire. So perhaps this card is less about "skill" and more about "traits," in which case I need to focus on just that - my desires. 

Challenges I must face:
7 of Disks. The first thing I notice about this card is the darkness. Its very abstract imagery... in fact, kind of tricky to decipher. It looks like the dark forms of mountains against a fiery sky (with a black sun either rising or setting)... plus several runes (the disks) and some feathery shapes. Once again, I just know. I can't put it into words.

Rewards I will reap:
4 of Wands. I'm looking up at a mighty tree as fire seems to consume it. But it doesn't look "bad" to me. I get more the impression of the "cycle of life" - where forest fires consume and leave behind fertile soil for better, more improved things to grow. I am that forest - all the old will be burned away, leaving behind sprouts of new life. 

Hopes and fears as I enter adulthood:
10 of Swords. A very applicable card because it's quite dark. It looks like "death" imagery in the traditional sense: a figure (or in this case, bird-creature) on horseback with a scythe... I believe this is the card that represents defeat, in which case this is very accurate. I'm resisting "adult life" as much as I can because I don't know how this crazy modern world works and I don't resonate with it - plus, I don't want to be taken advantage of. 

A birthday gift:
6 of Wands. A strong, confident, yet calm figure is depicted with a black, serpentine, dragon-esque creature. It almost seems like me. Maybe that's the point. Is it any surprise that a black dragon-esque creature is paired with this figure? Perhaps this one is meant to remind me of my true roots... to remind me that I don't have to be anyone other than myself. And that's a lovely gift. 

So there I have it. Wow. The Mary-el is something else... but what's odd is that this is the first reading I've had where I've been so consciously aware of what the cards mean to me intuitively. I don't know if it's Pierre or just the deck or a mix of both, but I felt like I knew instantly what the cards meant without studying their imagery or symbolism for too long. I like to think Pierre has to do with it a bit... he always seems to come in so clearly, even if he now seems like a figment of my imagination (but, I remind myself, remember what Adonai said about imagination...). 

I'm excited. I feel hopeful... the sun is making a return.