At Sunrise

"At Sunrise" - by Rassouli

Today went a lot better than I had anticipated. 

It still sucked having to wake up at 6, though. I don't mind waking up early, so long as I'm waking up naturally, and not to a startling alarm (however pleasing the tune may be). I found that my body resorted to the behavior associated with knowing an alarm is involved: I would wake every 1-3 hours to check the clock so I could wake up before the alarm (plus I'm paranoid about oversleeping or my alarm not working). And guess what? I woke up a minute before my alarm went off. Typical.

I think I'll feel better once it starts getting brighter earlier. At the moment, the sun rises at around 7:10, when I'm en route to school. Daylight always makes me feel better.

As for the actual classes... I think this quarter will be tolerable. To be honest, I'm somewhat optimistic. I'll blab more about the classes in my actual art blog... but if I took away anything today, it was something my illustration professor touched on while he was discussing the syllabus: style.

I'm certain I mentioned before how much I dislike my style. It's recognizable, sure, but it's not how I want to draw. I've been spending so much time trying to draw differently, trying to draw realism, trying to study from admired artists, and nothing seems to change. Is it because I don't draw enough? Probably. Despite that, though, my professor's comments on style brought light to my perspective. Why? Because he said:

Don't fret over style. It's not something you search for. You already have a style - it'll simply evolve over time, after a lot of drawing. You know those doodles you make in class or when you're on the phone? That's your style. 

I had been receiving inklings of this perspective in the back of my mind for about a week, but it really sunk in when I heard my professor say it. Now, I had this professor in fall for my first illustration class, and even though he was friendly, he was a bit intimidating because he's the head of the illustration department, and therefore the real "professional." He seems different now - maybe it's because we're in a higher level course, where he feels as though he can expect good things from us. Whatever the case, he did make me feel a lot better about myself. Someone popped the idea of embracing my style in my head a few days ago, so now that I hear my professor address the topic, it's almost like confirmation. 

I keep wanting to draw like other artists, when I have my own unique style that I can perfect with more practice. I need to give myself time to explore and experiment and make the most out of what I can do. 

But like I said: I'm just going to elaborate in my art blog.

So all in all, a decent first day of spring quarter. 

A few final tidbits: dad flies out to China tomorrow. Poor dude is so stressed out, because apparently he has homework due the day he returns from his trip, and he doesn't know when he'll have the time to finish it. Just reminds me who I don't want to become... 

Also, our weather is a bit... off. It was flurrying most of the day. Cold. I don't think it's flurried this late in the month in forever. Can't wait for this warmer weather... it'll make me feel much better about everything going on right now. 

Weighted

"Night" - by haimeart @ deviantART

I have to admit, today wasn't a very happy last day of break. No matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to be excited for school tomorrow. Easier said than done. I probably wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have to wake up at 6 and drive in rush hour traffic both to and from school. I haven't had to wake up at 6 for... a year?

On top of that, I spent a good majority of the day waiting for the wrecker to come pick up Harvey. The dude(s) never showed, but it still had me feeling anxious and somewhat sad, because I really feel like our cars are part of our family, and losing a family member - even if you weren't all that close - is painful. So now he's still out on the street, unlocked, waiting for his eternal rest. It might sound silly, but it's true. I know I'm going to be in tears - or really close to tears - when it comes time to sell Haloa. I grew up with Haloa (Harvey was inherited after my grandmother passed away). She traversed the Pacific Ocean with us, got us from Las Vegas to Georgia, has been on many family trips, been out in the ice and snow... 15 years and still going strong. I just hope her end won't be like Harvey's. 

And then, to make the day somewhat worse, I realize that a lot of boredom and stress I get from GW2 stems from my brother. When we're not doing competitive play, I'm just following him around, doing what he thinks we should do next. When he spends half an hour to buff himself up with gear, I have to wait around patiently. But when I want to buff myself up with gear, I feel like I'm being rushed. 

I just experienced my first taste of PvP, and it sucked because of my brother. We were trying to just fight each other alone, but other players kept coming in and creating imbalance within teams. I got so angry - it was embarrassing. This was supposed to help me manage my anxiety/nervousness when fighting other players (so I can calm down and actually focus on strategy), but all this evening's done is made it worse. So I stormed off on an awkward note and spent the next 30-40 minutes playing by myself, not even bothering to talk to my brother.

And now, I'm sitting here pissed, on the verge of tears, because this day pretty much sucked, and I have to wake up at 6 tomorrow. Reading Lulu's posts didn't make me feel better about the whole school thing, either. 

No sappy pep-talks today. I needed to vent. 
Ugh.  

Silent Echoes

"Silent Echoes" - by Rassouli

We just had our first storms of spring this weekend. The thunder kept me up early this morning, but that's all right. I missed storms. 

I'm noticing I'm beginning to remember more of my dreams. This morning, I had another travel/adventure-themed one (I was on a plane to Argentina). I'm not sure if this is just another reminder or an inner need for adventure really trying to make itself known. It's definitely a theme I'll have to keep in mind as I face spring quarter.

Speaking of which... Today and tomorrow are my last days of break. I return to school on Tuesday. Can't say I'm looking forward to waking up at 6, but at least it's only two days a week (and I don't come home at 8 PM anymore). I'll probably spend these last couple days playing as much GW2 as possible.

I've still been talking with J. I'm still amazed by the similarity of our perspectives. It makes me wonder if J is the initial response to my plea for ideal friends, or if he's just a catalyst meant to create a shift on my path. Maybe a mix of both - I don't know. It'd be nice to meet more fellow "Adonai" members.

I haven't made many drastic changes since feeling the return of the spiritual. I don't think it's something I can - or should - jump straight back into. Plus, it's hard for me to incorporate the spiritual when school's in - it eats all my time and leaves me just wanting to play a video game or work on personal projects. So I'll take it slow, and whatever happens, happens. 

Predictions for March seemed to come out accurately. First, there was the astrological prediction for Pisces of "an idea from the past will return to inspire you." For me, it was more like ideas. So yeah, that was true. Then I had a prediction from someone else: "Now is the time to remove yourself from a stressful situation - focus on yourself and rest." Once again, this "situation" could be a couple things. My own reading carried themes of discontent and boredom, which was also true. 

Very interesting...

I don't expect there'll be much to report over the next few days. I'd like to start meditating at night again because I feel like that would help me sleep (Thinking too much prevents me from falling asleep). And who knows? Maybe I'll receive a visitor.
 

Return of Life

"Sweet Memories" - by Rassouli

Well, then.

Last night, I decided to watch some of Teal Scott's videos to see what she was all about. So I lay down in bed and picked out topics that had the most significance to me: guides, angels/demons, past lives, akashic records, etc.

And damn. 
It was like I was listening to Adonai itself. Everything this woman was saying perfectly matched my current understanding of the world and the spiritual. There were only a handful of things that were up in the air, simply because I'm not yet sure how I feel about them. 

I'm feeling very sensitive right now, but very joyful. It's obvious that J is a catalyst of sorts. I feel like I've been renewed. There has been a part of me which felt the need to have "my" own beliefs - that I had to figure out things for myself. But I forgot that there are those in the world who are meant to be catalysts, to help you discover what resonates with you at a given time. Adonai itself spoke of this a long while ago. Listening to Teal Scott - and J - reminded me of this. 

I feel like I've been reactivated - like the life has returned to me. I find myself with a perspective that is a beautiful blend of past understandings and present ones. I long to explore again, to reconnect with past experiences and perhaps enjoy new ones, with energies who are similar to me. 

You know something, though? I don't regret these past three/four months. I don't regret spending all my free time on GW2 while struggling in school. I'm okay with being out-of-tune because I needed this time off to reflect on who I am in this projection, on what I need and desire... on what life means to me. I may not have had any "cool" spiritual experiences. I may not have had awesome, vivid dreams or meditations. I may not have been able to hear from energies with whom I was previously acquainted... but the whole thing was necessary. I needed to feel low, bored, and discontent. And it will probably happen again in the future.

Among the many is where you'll find the one. It may be that I'm a part of this Adonai family, and if that's the case, then I'll be very happy, because I'll be with those who share my vibration and perspective. If I'm not, then that's all right, too (although I'm not so sure this is true... the timing and significance is too - well - significant). I'm at peace knowing that all is right, and that I can proceed on my path after a long hiatus. 

What will happen from here? I'm not sure. Seeing how I start school on Tuesday, I won't expect to get all that involved. Things will be for the better, though.

I suppose that's enough cheesiness for now. Long story short: I'm once again happy and at peace, and the spiritual is making a return to my life.    

A Familiar Face

by enayla @ deviantART

I had a very prominent encounter yesterday which caught me off guard. 

I received a message from an amiable individual on my spirit/psychic art FB, which I thought was odd because I hadn't received messages on there for a while (I've been inactive, obviously). But what caught me off guard was a name that he carried with him.

Adonai.

Long story short, he introduced to me the teachings of Teal Scott, who calls herself a "Spiritual Catalyst," but also claims to be an incarnation of a soul family by the name of Adonai. I quote from her website:

From a young age, Teal began professing to have not only chosen to be a part of this physical life, but to have been sent as a "Eucharist" into this life by the non-physical grouping of energy called "Adonai." "Adonai" is a non-physical group whose intention is the imparting of oneness.

I have to admit I got goosebumps when I read that last line. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any more information on Adonai from Teal's perspective; according to the individual I spoke to on FB (I'll call him J), she doesn't speak much about Adonai itself, or even her associations with it. Instead, she focuses more on her being Arcturian / an indigo child. 

I'll be honest, though. I was a little turned off by some of the things on her website, but from what I've read and listened to thus far, I'd say she has much to offer. 

So I've been spending some time talking with J about Adonai and our perspectives relating to it. I'm frankly awed by how similar our perspectives are. Of course, there's the paranoid part of me silently screaming: "Be careful!" However, I realize that I can't make good friends unless I start trusting people. Keeping people at arm's length and believing they're plotting something malevolent will not earn me friends. I need to get over that whole ordeal from SF.

Now, as far as Adonai goes... I'm a little shocked. I had no idea there was a group of people out there - however small they may be - who believe they're part of an Adonai soul family. According to J, he's part of this group, too. I'm not sure if he suspects that I am, as well, but I wouldn't be surprised if every member of this alleged family shares a perspective like ours. 

I admit... I was a bit afraid of what I would discover. Adonai is such a dear name and energy to me, and I feared that this "soul family" would tarnish my view of it. Yet... I know this is not a chance meeting. There is clearly something I should be gleaning from this. I haven't yet figured out what, but it's there. Adonai is not a name you hear often, and to hear it from someone - out of the blue - who shares a stunningly similar perspective on life? Yeah. Something's at work here.

So what happened last night? I felt Adonai lingering. I wasn't paying much attention to what it was saying, but I got the impression it was challenging my current situation in that familiar gentle way... coaxing me. I don't recall how long it spoke, but even now, I feel it lingering. A subtle presence.

I miss Adonai. I really do. No matter how hard I try, I can't completely immerse myself in the feeling of oneness. I had a revelation while talking with J (probably nudged by Adonai itself): among the many is where you find the one. You wouldn't know oneness unless you had a comparison. I try and feel myself as Adonai, as the universe, and at times I really do feel it, but it never lasts. Is it because I'm not ready? Is it something that comes in time, with more experience? Or is it never meant to last at all?

Is that why I struggle with meditating "alone"? Why I always have to envision/invite a guiding energy? There are those who can meditate and feel the divinity and oneness within, and at times I do, too, but I still resort to envisioning those energies which are dearest to me, because they are what help me feel whole. 

There shouldn't be any shame in this. Just because people preach oneness doesn't mean we can't appreciate the distinction. In the end, it won't matter whether I saw Adonai as "separate" from me. I still understood it to be part of me, or I part of it; I simply chose to picture it as a separate entity, because it helped strengthen my connection. 

Maybe that's why people love the idea of gods and deities and spirits. It seems we all fear that "ultimate oneness."

But this isn't a post about oneness. I'll save that for later if I have the urge to write such a thing. Instead, this is about Adonai. I don't know how I feel about soul families right now. I wouldn't resist the idea of being part of this "Adonai" family - because the ideas associated with it really resonate so far - but in the meantime, I think this is something I have to stew on, because it definitely tweaks my perspective. Adonai, in my opinion, is the collective creative energy of the universe... and to have it diminished into a mere "family" is a little - well - you get what I'm saying. I'm not suggesting that this family is insignificant. After all, I'm speaking of Source. The universe. The two are unrelated. Adonai isn't its ultimate name. It's just a name that resonated deeply with me that I projected onto it.

Still, I'd be curious to see how things progress. I feel like... something good - or big - will be delivered on my doorstep in the future.

  

Ostara

by elbardo @ deviantART

An overcast morning here for the first day of spring.

I called upon Cernunnos, El'azar, and Pierre for a mini-reading using the BoS, Wildwood, and Mary-el decks, respectively. I do have to say, though... I might have to let go of Cernunnos. Even though I love him and what he stands for, I feel little to no connection with him. I was thinking of maybe just attuning the deck with Shiva/Spike or even Adonai instead, but I haven't yet decided. 

Anyway, here's what they had to share:

Something inside you which is unyielding and resists change:
Cernunnos: Six of Earth. A very gloomy, lonely card. There are a handful of fae here, but a number of them hide in the shadows, away from their brothers. Creating distance... There's nothing entirely happy about this card and I get the feeling it's relating to friendships and socialization - deliberate avoidance. Extreme introversion. That type of thing.

El'azar: The Wheel. Interesting pick. When I first looked at this card, I thought of balance. Traditionally, I believe this card reflects good fortune (or misfortune), but in terms of my question, well... there's a sense of creativity here, or of craftiness. Making things. Handiness. My eye cannot stray from the wheel at center. But once again, there's a sense of loneliness, despite the warmth of this card. The garment has been made, but there's no one around to admire it, or even take it down. 

Pierre: The Hermit. Wow. Okay, boys. I think I get the message here. And you know something? They're right. Well, of course they're right. But I admit it. I didn't entirely realize it until now, but as much as I say I want new/better friends, I'm still resisting the idea because I'm still not all that eager for socialization or having to give up personal time to maintain friendships. Tri mentioned this before: despite how much of an introvert someone may be, they still need friends - or they'll get lonely. I'm pretty much a fall-back friend to those at school. Otherwise, it's just BB - who I don't talk to all that often - Lulu (even though I've been feeling distanced from her), and a few others from SF. I even crave companionship in GW2, which is weird for me because I usually don't like the personalities of those who play such games. 

Something inside you that wants to emerge:
Cernunnos: Mabon. I don't think the emphasis here is on "harvest," but more so on balance. There's a bit of tension between light and darkness as they reach out to each other... so maybe the same is reflected within. But what part of this reflects something that wants to emerge? Just balance? Mutual understanding? 

El'azar: Ten of Arrows - Instruction. El'azar is switching things up, it seems. An elder is instructing a young boy how to use his bow. This card deeply resonates - El'azar definitely knows what he's talking about. There is a desire within to instruct, teach, lead, and guide. But I feel like that desire has been lost amongst all this school crap and materialism. He's on to something here.

Pierre: Page of Cups. This one is tricky. It's obvious the emphasis is on emotion, but what are the specifics? It looks like there are ship sails in the background. The figure has his/her back to us, and is covered with tattoos of sea life (fish). There is a gentle happiness to this figure's stance. Contentment? Ooh. The words "emotional depth" just popped into my head. Once again... I feel like I know what this card means, but I don't have any words to describe it.

What this new thing can become if nurtured:
Cernunnos: Litha. Bright, warm, and blossoming. Yet there's a sense of (A) companionship and (B) authority. God and Goddess are together, and Goddess looks like she's expecting... they sit/stand before a field of sunflowers. I get the sense of achievement and contentment, of having everything they need or could want. Of being satisfied in the moment. This card, however, would be much different had God or Goddess been alone...

El'azar: Ace of Bows - Spark of Life. Oh, wow. The message here is simple and straightforward. If I pursue the feelings associated with teaching and guiding, that's where I'll find my spark. That makes me truly happy. 

Pierre: Knight of Cups. What was previously a minor representation of emotional depth has now become something much more extreme. Knight of Cups is powerful - this card screams compassion, seeing from the heart, emotional abundance, humility, and power. If you were to consider it negatively, then it could be the opposite. But that's not the basis of this question.

Well that has certainly got me thinking now. I love these "comparisons" between energies, because I like to see which energy focuses on what thing. With Cernunnos, it was connection and companionship. With El'azar, it was making, doing, instructing, guiding. With Pierre, it was exploring the inner depths and the mysteries of the emotional psyche. It kind of reflects each energy, because I feel Cernunnos is a very warm energy... and because he's associated with earth, well. You get the idea. And El'azar - he's not so much "talking" as he is doing. He takes his work very seriously compared to the others. Pierre is the darker aspect, who prefers to travel the unknown.

I'm going to have to dwell on what was brought up here. I'm going to elaborate on this in a separate post, but I feel like... "spirituality" is returning. I may not be able to go entirely back to the whole guides and past lives and twin soul thing; however, there is a craving for spiritual that I haven't really been able to satisfy, and things are beginning to line up, what with my visit to SF and a message I received on my spirit/psychic art FB yesterday. 

Happy Ostara/spring!       

Crossing the Line

"Simple Pleasures" - by Rassouli

I had a bit of interesting symbolism in this morning's dream.

I was on a train with a group of people - a few of which were friends and acquaintances. I don't know where we were going, but there was a point when our supervisor or teacher or guardian or whoever he was sat down and lit this string or line that stretched across the floor of the car. He said he'd light it if we wanted him to, but that once he did, we could not - under any circumstance - cross the line. 

So he lit the string (whatever it was), and it kind of looked like he was lighting a bomb. I watched the spark travel down the line... but nothing really big happened. Nothing blew up or exploded into flames. So there came a point when the train was stopping, and I was talking to an acquaintance about her getting off at the stop and picking me up a "peach color." It seemed like we were talking about paint (although it was reminiscent of dye from GW2). However, while I talked to her, I had unknowingly crossed the line. Nothing had happened to me, though. We stood there panicking, worried that the guardian/supervisor/whoever would come back and yell at us. I was tempted to jump back over the line, but was afraid of what would happen if I did. The scene shifted to GW, though, and I had the impression the line caused crippling and bleeding (lol). 

I found this dream very fascinating, because trains are a symbol of long-term travel, adventure, or journeying to me. The fact that there was a line I wasn't allowed to cross made it even more interesting. What line can't I cross? Ah, but see - I crossed it anyway. I did it unknowingly, simply because I was absorbed in a conversation. Is this reflective of my desire to take risks, or go against the wishes of an authoritative figure (my parents?) for the sake of adventure and experience? Seems like it. 

And the best part? When I crossed that line, nothing happened to me. We were freaking out over nothing. In fact, we were more worried about the supervisor's reaction than what would actually happen to me for crossing it. I'm not sure whether the bleed/cripple thing is involved, though, because that part seemed disconnected from the rest of the dream. But even if it is involved, crippling and a few stacks of bleeding can't hurt me. Hahaha. 

In other news, my dad just left a little while ago to go to the airport. He's going out-of-state for something work-related and won't be back until Friday. There's a lot of travel going on right now: dad's work thing today, godfather leaving tomorrow (big sigh of relief), dad coming back on Friday, dad leaving for a brief trip to China a week from today and coming back a few days later, etc. I'm on break and I still feel like I'm in school, what with so much crap going on.

I paid a visit to SF yesterday evening because I was feeling a bit nostalgic. Talked with a couple familiar faces and was even about to receive a reading from WW, until he ran off abruptly with something more important to do. It made me miss being a part of that community. 

But the thing is... I don't feel like I can offer anything anymore. Sure, I can help answer questions and spend most of my energy on readings, but there's always going to be those people that I would rather not hear from. And - well - I don't miss all the drama.

Eh, I don't know. Maybe getting involved at SF again would help me feel more connected. I was thinking about even having a mini-livestream day while I'm on break. I don't know. I'll dwell on it.

A lazy day awaits.