Year of the Snake

"Medusa" - by Rob Shields

Although I'm a little sad to see Year of the Dragon go, I have to admit I'm very happy to see Snake arrive. Like dragons, snakes hold a special place in my heart. I love them to bits. And I feel like this is a good year for them to represent... shedding. 

I pulled two cards from my Wildwood deck, asking El'azar what I should work on at this time (or what I can eliminate). The cards that I pulled were Nine of Vessels - Generosity and Six of Bows - Abundance. Funny, because I looked at the Generosity card first without acknowledging the name and thought, "Oh, that looks like abundance."

Generosity and abundance... The former I can understand easily, although I have mixed feelings about my generosity. Do I give enough? Sometimes I feel like I do. I try to help whenever I can, give whatever I can. But there are times when I'm burnt out or need to hold on to something... 

Interesting, though. Generosity and abundance are obviously connected to one another, so what is El'azar trying to say here? That I need to be more abundant with my generosity? If that's the case, I certainly wasn't expecting this. 

What strikes me as interesting for the Abundance card is that the abundance is depicted (barrels of fruits and veggies), but no one is around to enjoy it. There is evidence people are close (a lit fire), yet the abundance remains untouched - as though it's being saved or savored. Appreciated, maybe?

Gratitude... I haven't been as actively grateful as I'd like to be. There are times when I do express gratitude for the small things: a gap in traffic, safety in my travels, a good parking spot. Of course, I'm grateful in my heart for everything else in my life, but I don't acknowledge that gratitude actively; that is, I don't say thank you for every little thing. 

I suppose while I'm in this dark(er) moment of my life, I should reflect on these things. Because the source of my troubles is worrying about the future and not being able to live the way I want to live. But when I actually remind myself, I have a pretty good life. Perhaps I'm not happy with having to go to school and acquire a job; however, when I think about it, I'm in a decent situation to change all that, or at least make the most of what it is I do end up doing until things shift globally for the better. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor. Therefore, I have the room or capability to do more of what I want to do. It'll take baby steps, sure... in the end, though, I know that I'll receive whatever is most appropriate for me. 

So as Year of the Snake begins, I have made it a general goal to transform and acquire a new skin. Something fresh and new and far less dull and itchy. I will appreciate what I have and give as much as I can to others in hopes that my own generosity will inspire theirs. I'll develop a good sense of adventure...

On a last note, I was thinking about Andromeda yesterday while I went about my tasks. It seems to be more and more fitting, despite meaning "ruler of men." I'm actually more interested in the galaxy then the actual mythological figure, although the latter still does make sense when I think about what I want to contribute to the world as an artist. To some degree.

I won't jump into anything just yet, though. I'm in no rush. I'd like to be at least in the process of developing a certain personal style before committing myself to more blogs and websites. I want to be happy with my work. So I'll let it stew... and maybe in a few more months - hopefully around my summer break - I'll be somewhere where I'm content with what I'm producing, even if it's in the drafting stages. 

I have all the time in the world... and if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be.
But I need to be honest with myself. I need to work from my heart.

Happy CNY!

The Summons

"The Summons" - by Rassouli

I need to figure out a solution for this sleeping problem. In a nutshell, this is what happens: it takes me forever to fall asleep (I toss and turn a lot), and when I finally do, I'm practically dead until I finally wake at around 8, after which I still feel tired. The somewhat scary part (at least for me) is the whole not being able to hear noises anymore. Before, I used to be able to hear all sorts of things... but lately, my mom's been asking me whether I heard certain things at night: a cat screeching, the fire alarm's low-battery beep, etc. And I haven't. 

I would say: well, maybe that's a good thing. It means I would have undisturbed sleep, right? That's the funny thing. Even though I would hear all sorts of things overnight before, it would never take me long to fall back asleep again. And now that I know I'm probably going to be living alone, well... you get the idea.

I might have to bring out the music again, or at least try meditation. Music has been known to put me to sleep - probably because it stops me from thinking so much.

We'll see. I'll try it tonight. 

For a while, I've been thinking about the past several months in comparison with the present. I notice that I do feel much more connected to nature now, but not so much connected with spirit anymore. I don't feel like Adonai exploring the world... I've fallen back to my identity as Evaah, aspiring artist and writer, curled up in her room struggling through school and playing countless hours of GW2 to balance out her mental conflicts. 

I don't know whether that's a good thing. It feels like it's been so long since I was so deeply immersed in the world of spirit. I rarely think of my boys anymore - only when I see something relating to them, like dragons and lions and wolves. I've only recently been acknowledging Pierre, because the idea of him makes me feel safe and secure; his personality keeps me sane. But... when I try to actually communicate, it feels like I'm just talking to space. There's no presence, and not much meaning. 

I still do communicate, technically. Whenever I do tarot/oracle readings for myself, I call upon the assigned energy of the deck (although I don't have a deck for Pierre yet... he'll probably be assigned to the Mary-El I'm getting myself for my birthday). It seems that's all I have left, because sitting down with them... it's like I know they're not real. Or at least feel that they aren't.

Shiva - I haven't even heard from him since November or December. Can't recall exactly. I guess that just means there's nothing in my life that needs to be "destroyed" right now. 

There was a point in time when I was despairing over the "loss" of my boys. But now... I could hardly care. I look up at the drawing I did of me and Shiva and I can't even feel anything from it anymore. I used to be so passionate about that drawing - about him. Convinced we had this relationship that crossed over into the ethereal realms.

I'd laugh if this was all part of the "plot." It probably is, because I'd describe this moment in my life as a moment of "silence" - dark night of the soul, lacking creativity, feeling directionless, and so on... And whether I "created" this for myself, or whether it was already pre-destined, it still has one clear message: I need to slow down and live simply. It's okay to spend my time between GW2 and homework. I don't need to be productive all the time. 

I should probably turn that into an affirmation, because that idea is hard-wired into me.

...Eh. I had a whole lot more to write about regarding this topic, but I'll let it go for now. I have a list of things to do today that I'd like to get done soon: sketchbook drawings, a paper to write, and a reading quiz to take (if my professor would actually post it...). 

Also: I think I found a good artist name for myself.
Andromeda. 
But I'll stew on that.  

The Fall-Back Friend

johnofthenorth @ deviantART

Had a dream this morning about Hans (that would be my beamer... decided to drop the "Pierre" since I've been spending time with that French dragon lately). He was stolen in my school parking deck.

That's not very reassuring, because my mom and I took him this morning to get this audio thing installed as per the wishes of my dad. I personally think it's pointless, and a waste of money, especially if my dad plans on living overseas. But whatever. The point is, Hans will be at this place for the day - possibly overnight. So I'm a little wary.

I'm probably just overreacting, though. After all, that dream plays on my fear of having something happen to Hans while I'm at school - especially once I live alone... because my parents plan to get rid of our other two Ford Contours, which means I'm stuck with one car. And knowing how expensive he was, and all the care that was put into him... well. It makes him a very valuable gentleman. Lol. So I don't know. I've only had one precognitive dream that I can remember; I'm hoping that this one was just playing on my fears. I think it was, because the precognitive dream I had - the one about Lily from SF - felt different, and included no extraneous detail.

I had a couple of revelations yesterday. One was something that I always knew at the back of my head, and something that people often talk about, but at the same time, didn't truly "sink in" until last night in the shower: my worth in this society is determined by a piece of paper. That piece of paper being a degree.

Here I am, capable of being truly infinite, yet this society insists that I can't be anyone without a piece of paper to determine whether I have value. 

My other revelation was something I've been talking about for a while, but "sunk in" like the previous one... regarding how I stand as a friend. It truly hit me when I was in the restroom at school with my high school friend N and a class acquaintance, S. N and S were in the restroom before me. And rather than wait for me even as I was drying my hands, they left. I was walking a number of paces behind them back to class when I had the revelation: I'm always a fall-back friend. The one to go to when there's no one else to talk to.

I don't know whether to be insulted. Being an extreme introvert, a good majority of me thinks: who cares? All I need is myself, and maybe one really good friend who matches my vibration. At the same time, though, it really raises questions about the type of person I am. I'm very conscious of the way I communicate with people. I know when I'm not being truly honest with what I say, or whether I'm trying too hard to make a good impression on someone. 

But there's one quality about myself that I'm very proud of: my capability to listen.

It comes with being an introvert, I guess. Conversation is not my strong suit in the slightest; rather, I'm a listener. And people... people take advantage of that. I even observe it in my family. Like my brother, for instance. I recently learned that he does all his venting to me, but tells my mom all the important or secretive details of his life (especially regarding women). 

Is that what I am to people? A trash can? A receptacle in which to throw all your anger, drama, boasting, and insignificant details of your life? 

Oh, yes. Evaah's a good person to talk to, because she doesn't talk about herself much. She just allows me to talk about myself endlessly. 

I notice this in abundance with high school friend N. N loves to talk about herself, her family, how weird she and her family are, what all she can do, and so on. After spending four years around her, well... you get the point. There was a time when I thought I wouldn't care much whether I grew distant from her, but I kept up with her because we were both planning to attend the same college, and I felt it'd be good to have a solid friendship with someone when first starting out. But it's obvious that, when it comes down to it, I'm a last resort friend to her. And yet when she's not included into a conversation, etc., she tries desperately to throw herself in.

I'm getting a little tired of trying to maintain friendships. No. I'm getting way tired. These are not the "friends" I want. I don't do well with idle chatter. I don't like conversations about school and assignments and career and boyfriends. I want friends who can appreciate and embrace me, who share similar perspectives or a respect toward my own, who want to live simply, away from society, and take care of themselves. 

I was thinking about how cool it would be to have this home or organization for people who want to do what they love without conforming to the bullshit with which society has burdened us. Or better yet - a self-sustaining community, out in nature, without governmental influence. Unfortunately, the latter would be hard to accomplish.

A girl can dream, right? 

Odyssey

"Odyssey" - by Rassouli

I had a weird night in that I felt like I slept through a whole day. It seriously felt that long. I woke up and thought it was Wednesday, until I realized: "No. I have two projects to finish today."

I'm already finding myself burnt out. It's already midterm week - week 5 out of 10. I'm halfway done. This will be the busiest month because I have 3 papers to write on top of projects, memorizing art history, and keeping up with a sketchbook (I have 40 pages due next week, and I only have... 6?).

I know, I know. It hardly compares with my dad, who's balancing three jobs and is finishing up his last few courses for his master's degree. I shouldn't be complaining, right? We all have to work hard and stress ourselves out to the bone - otherwise, we're not worthy of anything.

Tsk. 

It's a battle, that's for sure. My lack of creativity has me in a semi-depressed state; the only thing that's keeping me going is my stubbornness. Thank Adonai for that. 

I just have to be patient and gentle with myself. It's not a very good feeling when you know in your heart that a path is wrong for you, yet you still walk it because everyone around you is attempting to convince you that it's the right thing to do. I don't belong in school. I'm not aiming for a corporate art career anymore, despite what my parents may think. 

But enough of that. I think I've whined about it enough. I have other issues bugging me aside from art, writing, and school... like not being able to sleep well. Then again, I think school's to blame. It got much worse at the beginning of last month. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I'm practically dead. Things don't wake me up easily anymore, unless my body feels it's had enough sleep... which is uncommon. 

I was just looking at Voices of Adonai earlier. My last post was almost two months ago. I do miss those conversations. Perhaps I should go back and reread those posts to remind myself of everything I learned. As much as I would like to channel again, I don't think it's the right time. I definitely don't have the motivation. 

Pah. Some life, huh?

I really want to work on my sense of adventure. I'm so used to the familiar, the safe. I'm used to a sheltered life, where I approach only the things I know and am comfortable doing. But I think... I think to make the most of this life, I need to be adventurous. That seems to be the keyword for me this year. Maybe living alone will help me with that. 

One last bit of good news: I'm commissioning a dear friend of mine again. At first, I wasn't going to, because I wanted to save my money, and every time I commission her, I always want to spend so much... but she kept reposting the journal on dA, and I finally succumbed. I do have the money to spare, so it's not a big deal. I'm more than willing to part with $40 or so for her work. So I'm excited to see what she comes up with for my character. 

Now, to chill the rest of the day. 

The Thinker

"The Thinker" - by marctist @ deviantART

I wanted to elaborate for myself my current issues with this whole art and writing thing.

I suppose I should first say that I'm not so sure anymore what I'm "meant" to be doing. I had this grand old plan for a good solid year; I guess I was naive to think that it wouldn't change. But since I find myself changing - if not just a bit - I also find that my interests and desires are shifting, too.

I have never been happy with the way I draw. People in class always give me compliments, especially about how I have my own defined "style," but in all honesty, I hate my style. So it's very aggravating when my professor continues to say that my work is very stylized (although it is an illustration class), because it's a style I don't like, and can't seem to break out of.

But when I think about it, I don't know what kind of style I would want, which would be best suited for the material I plan on producing. See, I learned something in art school (go figure): all the best artists were/are known for doing this one thing fabulously - be it subject matter, style, or medium. I always thought it would be cool to be a "jack-of-all-trades" artist, where I can do many things fabulously, and can be utilized for a number of needs. It's what I'm most interested in, I think. After sitting in my 20th century art class, however, I've come to realize that in order to make an impact on this world, I need to have a strong message, which means that I need to pick something that will define me. 

I do have that "something" in mind, but now my question is: how do I approach it? I am definitely an independent artist. I don't want to work for or with anyone. I received some ideas in the shower the other day that might prove beneficial. I don't know. 

The problem is, I feel like I'm in a rush. I feel like I have to be amazing now, because if I'm not, I can't set myself up for that dream life I want. I suppose this is one of my biggest "flaws" - yet all the wisdom I've received in past months has been telling me to slow down, enjoy the ride, and acquire all the experience I can, even if the situation isn't ideal. 

Remember back when I said I was interested in starting an art blog? I've been thinking about that again recently, along with "identity." In the past, I wanted an identity for myself that didn't utilize my real name, because I don't resonate with my real name. But aside from E.R. and P.R., I can't decide on another "meaningful" name. I thought: "Why not just go with my real name?" Most people won't be able to pronounce it.. but then again, there have been plenty of artists in the past whose names we can't pronounce. 

But I digress. Long story short, I've been thinking about that art blog again, because I feel like it'd be a good way to document my process and development and also a way to get my name out there. People like that - they like seeing the process. They want to get in behind-the-scenes and see how fabulous works of art or film were produced. 

As far as writing goes... I'm feeling very lost. I can't really describe it, but I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps writing is the wrong method. I love stories. I'm a storyteller. I love creating fabulous worlds - especially fantasy ones. But when it comes to actually sitting down and writing something meaningful, something awesome and inspiring and that fits together perfectly, I lose hope and motivation. Is that my problem? Am I focused too much on it being publishable? Or should I just be trying a different medium, such as visual storytelling? 

I'm not a fan of sequential style, but perhaps "visual" storytelling - simply telling a story through illustrations - would be a good alternative. Hmm. No. That should be something else entirely, for projects that aren't as elaborate and complex as, say, Crucible or Winterspell. 

So yeah. I'm at a loss with this writing thing right now. Maybe I should just put it in the back of my mind. Maybe the answers will come later. I think I should enjoy not writing. World-building, yes. I could do that. Ideas for worlds and plots come through all the time. There's no harm in writing them down. But as far as actually weaving together a story goes... that'll have to wait until I can clear my head and gain some perspective.

One little side note before I end this post: I have to say, I'm actually kind of excited to be living alone. I'm terrified of having to handle everything myself, because I'm afraid of people taking advantage of me, but I realize that I can finally do almost everything I want to do in daily life without having my parents around to judge, criticize, or mock me. I can eat what I want, do readings without worrying about being walked in on, meditate in peace, and so on. It'll be a huge adjustment/learning curve, but I really have to focus on this sense of adventure, of breaking out of the familiar. So I say: bring it on. 

A day of GW2 awaits!     

Progression

bao22.blogspot.com

Quick post to note a few things; I have a project to work on today and the sooner I can make a certain amount of progress, the sooner I can relax and do what I really want. I'm still working on adjusting my attitude (not seeing it as work - I mean, come on, it's art), but I like making sure I'm in a good mental state to avoid getting stressed and ill.

Things are still on a small upward incline. But I'm in no rush. I have well learned by now that things are always as they should be. So I will enjoy this moment of "down" time, which has given me yet another experience to add onto my list. 

Big news yesterday. My dad has finally reached a point where he can say that it's very likely he and mom will be moving overseas for his teaching job in 6 months. He's saying August.

Now, we had a bit of discussion on this, and we came to the conclusion that there's no reason I couldn't live alone. They were talking about either having my cousin and her boyfriend move in or my beloved godfather - but I spoke up and told them that I would feel awkward with my cousin, and that despite how much I love my godfather, I don't think I would enjoy living with him permanently. 

So the big goal now is for my parents to "train" me on how to handle certain responsibilities on my own, and for them to make a list of A.) everything I would have to take care of by myself, and B.) everything they need to get done in the next six months.

Out of curiosity, I looked up those 3 annual readings I compiled and noted what the results were for August/September. August will seem to revolve around making choices, following heart's desires, evolving, growing, having adventures, and achievements. September, on the other hand, promises emotional loss, searching for something significant to self, and stress. 

I suppose that makes sense.

In other news, my desires when it comes to art and writing are shifting a bit. I'll probably sit down and write another post for myself in more detail, but in a nutshell, I'm wondering if writing is supposed to be more of a "long-term" project for myself, rather then something that earns me my biggest income. I say this because I never seem to be able to work consistently on my projects without coming to a wall or rethinking the plot, etc. I don't know if this is just because I'm not working in the way that I need to be, or if it's something I should be working on gradually in the background. I keep reminding myself that things don't have to be done ASAP. Society has groomed me into thinking this way. In fact, while watching Heroes yesterday, a relevant piece of dialogue came to my attention:

There's nothing wrong with being a seventeen-year-old girl for a while.

Of course, replace seventeen with almost twenty... but it's the context that applies. The whole basis of that quote is taking on something much bigger than yourself without even figuring out who you are first. I've been faced with that idea a few times recently - first, from Lulu, then, in a couple of other places. It really is true. We're all conditioned to think we need to perform some great act or deed or change the world in some significant way... I suppose that's the reason people often say: "Change must first come from within."

The only problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be changing. I guess I should first start by practicing what I preach. Maybe then a path will form before me.

But I'll talk about this more later. Right now, I have a spring-themed project to work on.

Imbolc

"Luminous" - by Raipun @ deviantART

Beginning to find my light again. I'm still very unhappy with society, but at least I'm beginning to see everything in perspective again now. 

Speaking of perspective... I did my Imbolc reading last night for two main reasons: one, because I have to make up my 20th century art class tomorrow (from MLK), and two, because Friday and Saturday are usually my heavy homework days (since I take off Thursday and Sunday if possible). 

I assign a significant energy to each of my decks: Shiva for Gita, Leon for Psychic Tarot, Apollo for Mythic Oracle, Lucifer for Fallen Angels, Cernunnos for BoS, and Hades for Archeon. So now, with the arrival of Wildwood, I have assigned El'azar, one of my old quiet friends, to it. 

I sat down with him and Cernunnos and asked them each five questions based on the Imbolc ideas of new beginnings, lights in the darkness, etc. These were their answers...

1.) What was important in the past few months?
El'azar: Seven of Arrows - Insecurity.This caught me off guard. El'azar always struck me as a blunt type of guy, even in my past meditations with him. The card illustration definitely seems appropriate. It's very Saint Sebastian, only with more arrows. I do admit I have some minor insecurity issues only when it comes to what other people think. Fortunately, though, I've been catching myself every time the issue pops up, so I correct myself and say: "Why should I care?" But yes. This has been a very prominent theme in past months since it has to do directly with what I truly want to do in life.

Cernunnos: Ace of Fire - The Sun. A card of passion, success, and strong personal energy, but also ego and self-centeredness. I think the focus here is on passion (or the struggle with it) and ego, since I've still been in a constant battle with it. I guess my problem is that I don't know whether ego is "bad" and something I should be trying to avoid. There was a time when I was in harmony with it, but now I wonder: is it possible to be in balance with ego?

2.) Where am I now?
El'azar: Page of Stones - Lynx. I'm on the hunt, according to El. Looking for my prey. Using stealth and cunning to assist me. I do agree that I'm on the hunt, but I feel like there's a bit more to this message, so I'm going to pop open the book... "Mocking concepts of authority. Messages of prosperity or benefit. Learning the ropes. Keeping things down-to-earth." Yeah, that also makes sense.

Cernunnos: Five of Earth - Waterfalls. The strong concept here is stability and steadiness. Flowing at a strong, constant pace with nothing to hold me back. I need to be that waterfall now, he says. I need to flow unrestricted. Wash past the obstacles.

3.) What needs to be released?
El'azar: Six of Stones - Exploitation, Six of Vessels - Reunion, and Knight of Bows - Fox. Whew. El certainly had a lot to say here. Like I said: nice and blunt. Six of Stones has an air of suffering - of lack, of struggling to survive. Looking to the heavens for hope and prosperity, but receiving very little. Yes. Very appropriate. Six of Vessels shows more emotional prosperity. There's a quietness about this card that I really enjoy... it also emphasizes solitude, or at least communing with someone close to me.  and Knight of Bows... Trickery. Cleverness. This fox has the silliest expression on its face. I feel like the message here is deception. To stop deceiving myself and possibly others. 

Cernunnos: Nine of Water - Lakshmi. Once again, emotional prosperity. Even spiritual and physical, to some degree. A card based on abundance and enlightenment.

4.) What is important in the upcoming months?
El'azar: The Shaman. This is a very powerful card for me, and I know its meaning in my heart, so I won't bother to go into detail here.

Cernunnos: Three of Water - Flora. Creativity and abundance. Flowing fertility. That makes me excited, if not hopeful. I need to stop dwelling on the originality of my ideas and just go with what makes me happy - what defines "me." I take this message to heart.

5.) How can I turn my plans into reality?
El'azar: Knight of Stones - Horse. A card of freedom upon first glance. A wild and free spirit. Caring little for the thoughts of those around me. Doing what makes me happy - what empowers and fuels me. 

Cernunnos: Two of Earth: Beach. A gentle card of nurturing the self, soul-searching, being at peace, and being in balance with it all. 

So yeah. I'd say this was enlightening. I should probably read for myself more often, but when I'm in school, the desire to connect with the spiritual falters. So I guess my next "big" reading will be for Ostara, although I may do another mini one before that just to see how things are going. Maybe this is metaphorical... after all, it's winter. Much of what I've been feeling can be related to the concepts associated with winter. And now that spring is on the horizon... it's like the light is returning to my life.

I hope El'azar and Cernunnos are right.

Now I'm actually going to enjoy doing a bit of homework today. I have to do something to keep myself on track, especially since I'll be wasting a few hours of my day tomorrow at school. So off I go.

Happy Imbolc!