Social Trials

by junedays @ deviantART

In a bit of a gloomy, sensitive spot, because once again, I'm reminded of how much I hate trying to be social.

I wish I could see myself from someone else's eyes. Am I really that off-putting? Am I just another body in the room to most people? What is it about me that encourages this? The introversion, my appearance, or something else?

I encountered a quote on tumblr a while back: "I've come to realize that the only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs, even when I have nothing else to offer them but myself."

It made me think about the dynamics of my relationships with people - the give and take. I think I mentioned this a long while back, but I can't help but notice that a good percentage of people who are acquainted with me are either (A) wanting some kind of service like readings or art, or (B) only interested in my work, and not who I am as a human being. I find this incredibly depressing, and as such, it's been quite hard trying to make new friendships, because I work quite hard to get to know the other person, yet when I go to express myself, he or she seems to have little interest in me. 

Is this the role I'm supposed to be playing here? The giver, not the taker? The listener, not the speaker? I'm already an introvert. Socializing drains me, and when I finally seek to connect to people, I'm always cast aside. I end up in the corner, trying to include myself, trying to "be social," and it never works.

What's the problem here, I wonder? I even assumed with the anonymity of the internet that I would be able to make decent friends, but it seems like unless I have something tangible or useful to offer, my presence is worthless. Whether it be in the form of intuitive readings, art, helpful information... if I can't help someone, I'm just another body in the damned room.

I'd really like to know what the story is behind this. Whether it be Shapeshifter archetype interfering, or just what the greater whole wants to experience... I need an answer. As often as I enjoy being alone, I still need friends - and friends who are willing to not just take from me all the time.

Sigh.

 

The Shapeshifter Emerges

by la-rubrique-necro @ deviantART

Even while gaming, I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, my personality, my habits, and how I project myself to others. And... man. I didn't realize how deeply connected I am to my Shapeshifter archetype. There's more to this archetype than just having cool metaphysical gifts (though apparently I have to wait a few years for that part). It seeps into one's daily life and almost always plays a role in how one reacts to the world around him or her.

With that in mind, I recently realized how many "guises" I've been taking on in these past few years. I no longer consider "spirit guides" to be separate from myself; I now see them clearly as extensions of whatever consciousness that I am: symbols or aspects to assist this human instance of myself. I've played many roles, from hero to villain, therapist to sadist, artist to student, introvert to extravert. And in almost every case, I've "shifted the skin" to adjust to each scenario. 

It makes explaining myself quite the challenge. Who am I? With each new person I meet, I shift the skin to adjust. It adds a beautiful complexity to my character, but is there a true "default Evaah" that lies beneath all the guises and roles? Is that Evaah the artsy introvert who has trouble associating with modern society? Or is that just another guise or role that I take on? 

I recently got into RPing on GW, which, I must admit, I am now addicted to. I even have one of my RP buddies telling me I need to slow down lest I get burnt out with it. I told him: I doubt that'll ever happen... but I didn't tell him exactly why. It's that RP is perfect for a Shapeshifter. Shapeshifters love to play with new roles, new guises. What better way to do this than to RP?

I feel like I'm quite close to coming off as a nutter, but shapeshifting has nothing to do with psychological illness. Some might see it as a survival tactic, but I see it more as a way to explore the human psyche, and by extension, the consciousness which many of us have named "spirit." 

Once again, I'm detaching from the idea that we are.. distinct. Instead, I'm returning to the idea that we are still one solid force, and that the distinction only comes with taking on forms... which is perhaps why we take on human identities and the like to begin with.

I've made peace with the fact that I will never know the reason why we are here. I still perceive it as the universe exploring and expanding itself, though. I doubt I'll ever stop theorizing, but you know, perhaps that's what'll make me a great metaphysical teacher or mentor. 

Archetypes... they're fascinating stuff. I need to return to the list of mine and begin connecting with them again. They will probably come quite in handy as these life changes begin to occur. 

Shapeshifter and proud.

For the Sake of Progress

Things haven't progressed all that much since my last post. The biggest news, I'd say, is that my dad received a very significant job offer that would take him - and only him - overseas. 

This has created a whole new set of circumstances for me to deal with. And actually, when I think about it, this scenario would be to my advantage. It would give me another reason to stay in this house (my mom would be here and would probably embrace the company wholeheartedly). I could work on what I need to work on (credentials, etc.) while my dad is away for a year. 

We still don't know for sure if he actually has the job, but if he does end up getting it, he could be leaving in the next several weeks. It's so crazy to think about.

I haven't made much progress on my own future. I think I'm still taking advantage of my time off. I feel like once I set foot on this path, I'll never have this sort of free time again, so I'm milking all I can before then. Plus, I'm trying to get myself tired of GW2 so I don't feel as tempted to play when I'm making money and earning my credentials... it'd be a huge distraction. 

I'm a little nervous, though. I'd really like to work up my reputation, network, and gather some more interested clients, but after being disconnected from spirituality so long, I feel like my skills have dulled... considerably. I've also noticed that I no longer have a strong interest in the areas I've worked with before. I find myself drawn more to the ideas and beliefs associated with consciousness in its purest form - humanity and its archetypes, aspects, and symbols. I realize, though, that I could make a name for myself in this area. It could even extend into the realm of the non-spiritual - essentially helping people embrace and work with the various aspects of themselves and the roles/archetypes associated with their personalities. I've been very fascinated with this recently.

But who knows? Maybe attending UMS will re-ignite my interest in these areas, and bring about some new ideas.

In the meantime, I've been trying to work on cleaning my room, starting with my small bookshelf. At least it makes me look productive... somewhat. I'm trying to incorporate the philosophy of: "If I don't remember it, or can't think of it, I probably don't need it." Over the years, I've hoarded a lot of stuff, usually because I feel like an item is important or that I'll use it in some art project later down the road. The latter almost never happens, so now I have a bunch of papers, materials, receipts, documents, trinkets, and so on that are just collecting dust and taking up a bunch of much-needed space. I've unearthed a number of tiny spiders in my effort so far... 

Something I didn't mention in my last post: a diet change. For several weeks now, I've been imitating my mother's new diet - more or less. A while back she was telling me about how bad carbs are for you, and that we should only be eating proteins and vegetables and berries, because that's how our ancestors used to eat. It kind of surprised me. But in the end, she had me converted, for the most part. I'm now very paranoid about carbs. I haven't eaten pasta in weeks (I'm surprised I haven't had withdrawal symptoms). Instead, I eat primarily protein, with some vegetables and small amounts of carbs on the side (fruit, peanut butter, gelato, and dark chocolate). I have to say... I'm liking it, too. I think this diet change has also affected my poor sleep pattern. I'm finding that I'm falling asleep easier and also staying asleep longer, although I do find I'm somewhat tired throughout the day. 

So yeah. I'm enjoying the quiet before the storm, I guess. I think my biggest concerns right now are drumming up the money for UMS and acquiring interested clients. I'm considering starting an indiegogo campaign, so I won't have to steal more money from my parents (it'd only be about $2200, but still); however, I'm not sure if I'd be able to get enough people to donate. I'm horrible when it comes to networking and advertising, and I don't have many places to do it...

Hmm.